The new normal

Aaron decided to go back to work today - just to get his mind on something else, which is a good thing, I think. I managed to do the morning routine pretty well - but I had help from the gang. Maggie woke up at 6:15 and was pretty well done with her bottle and fussing by the time Hulk woke up at 7. She hung out while I got Hulk dressed and ready to go. The only hitch was moving from upstairs to downstairs - as Hulk can't go downstairs on his own yet - and I forgot to bring up a sling. I put Maggie down, went down with Hulk, and got him situated with milk in his highchair and of course, while I was pouring it, I hear Mags flipping out upstairs. Run up, get her, and then we were all set. Phew.


The service was totally beautiful and exactly what we needed. The minister talked a lot about hope and honoring Nora by continuing to live our lives with love and joy. And that is exactly what we wanted to pass on to everyone (and us). We were at a loss of what to do, angry... the whole mix of emotions you can expect at a time like this - but mostly our life is joyful. We have a wonderful family, and wonderful friends and Nora would want us to go on living our life with love and happiness. It's not easy, but we are trying.


Yesterday, the fireman came and put up our lights and they were really wonderful. How often do you get to see fireman climbing up the side of your house?

I was joking with Aaron that we were probably freaking out a few neighbors to have fire trucks in our front yard. But most of the kids were over checking out the fire truck - Hulk was loving it:

Sunday was also the day that Santa was riding the fire truck around town to see all the kids. Maggie said hi:

And here we all are (Hulk was totally fascinated by the fireman on the ladders - so he wouldn't look at the camera):

A new normal. Our little family. Not what we expected, but we are adjusting.

Doing well

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day - but I think a good day. The memorial service for Nora is tomorrow, and I feel like it will help, but also just be a hard, hard day. You all have helped make it better by sending some beautiful flowers - and I must thank you all for that. It was just signed the ALI community - so a big hug to you all!


Maggie is doing beautifully. She eats about every 3 hours, and gives us a big lusty cry when she is ready for attention, which we love to hear. The only issue she has is a pretty nasty diaper rash as she had diarrhea from the IV antibiotics. But that is clearing up really well too. Today, I took out the vibrating seat that we used with Cameron - thinking I would maybe put her down in it. Aaron came into the room and laughed at me around 4 PM this afternoon - he said 'Good job using that seat today, babe' - as this is where Maggie spent her day:

That is my lap.

: )

Comfort in community

One of the most amazing things that I've seen is the complete outpouring of support of Aaron and I. Food, flowers, offers of running errands... but some things are blowing me away.

The town fire department flew their flag at half mast yesterday for us. And they have set up snowplowing for the whole winter, along with plans to bring the ladder truck over on Sunday afternoon to put up our Christmas lights. They were desperate to do something - and here I was feeling bad for the poor ambulance driver who I basically tossed Nora at on Friday and screamed for him to help us. For most of the emergency/health care professionals we have worked with over the past 3 days, this is the first time they have dealt with something like this. They seem just as heartbroken as Aaron and I. And it is amazing the support they have given us.

Maggie is doing wonderfully. We got home from the hospital last night. She was in the hospital for 48 hour observation pending results from her and Nora's blood work, and also putting her on a broad spectrum of antibiotics for safety. The first blood work results on Maggie came back with bacteria in it - but my doc was pretty sure it was a contaminated sample (the bacteria was a bacteria commonly found on the skin), but until the confirmed otherwise, would continue her on antibiotics. By Monday, we were sure it was a contaminated sample, so they drew another, and by noon yesterday we had confirmation that nothing was wrong with her (and second opinions confirming that again) so we brought her home. And she's been wonderful. She had a bottle at 8 PM, slept until 11, another bottle at 2:30, and then slept until 5:30. We managed to sleep also - which to me was a small miracle... but every time we heard her little 'chirp' from her bed (which we moved to within arms reach of my side of the bed) both of us would giggle a little. My one moment of panic was that she woke up at 5:30, but was mostly just chirping (which for her is a warm up to full on screaming. The girl knows when she wants to eat). I was just laying there waiting for her to really wake up - because she is easier to feed that way. Well, I guess we both feel asleep again, because I woke up at 6:30 in a total panic that she was quiet again, and ripped her out of bed (she was sound asleep and totally fine. The girl is going to have no startle reflex when she is older). I'm sure it was easier for her to sleep here than at the hospital where she was hooked up to the IV and what seemed like a million monitors.

I am so thankful that I am am surrounded by this wonderful community that is just allowing me to concentrate on my Maggie, Hulk and our grief. Everything else is totally taken care of.

Finding the good

Something I've found comfort in today is remembering that without great love, you wouldn't have sorrow. My heart is filled with a mixture of sadness and love and joy - and I am thankful to have celebrated Hulk's first birthday today.

..

There is no real way to say this. Nora passed away last night. We don't know why or how - they are trying to figure it out. Maggie is in the hospital for observation for 48 hours with IV antibiotics as a safety measure - but we are told that she is totally ok.

Cameron is turns one today. We are trying to still keep it as his special day - and the joy in his laughter is keeping me sane for now.

The first night...

Wow. So the combination of no nap for me (it took forever to get out of the hospital yesterday. I was ready to go at 9. We got in the car at 1:30), my milk coming in (screw you boobs) and the girls adjusting to being home, last night was kind of rough. Someone was awake from about 11 - 2 AM. I figured we would just do what we did with Hulk, trading off wake ups, but that doesn't go so great when there are 2 babies! You get one calmed down, and the next is up. Tonight we are moving to a shift schedule, lol.

I did make the decision in the hospital to not breastfeed. I feel really great with the decision, as we were fighting the same issues as I had with Hulk - and Aaron and I decided that we would not do any major interventions this time. No SNS, no pumping, no supplements. And when I switched to the bottle, they both took to it so well - and I was so happy just holding them and watching them eat and NOT stressing, that I still know that I did the right thing. But. Last night, when it was Aaron's 'shift' - I'm hearing them cry and my uterus is contracting and my boobs are leaking - seriously!? Augh.

Today has been great. I've been a little teary, but I would expect that. I'm still not really able to play with Hulk - I came downstairs this morning to help Aaron with breakfast and of course one of the girls woke up right then. I know that he is OK and knows he is loved and all that - but it's different. And of COURSE it's going to be different. But it's all a big adjustment!

We got to go to daycare and bring Hulk his birthday cake - which we have some super cute pictures of him eating. I had my We'll have a repeat performance tomorrow with family and friends at lunch time tomorrow with presents.

One funny thing is that I didn't really get any newborn sized clothes - Cam pretty much started in 0 - 3 size. The girls are SWIMMING in the 0-3 size. So I sent out a plee for newborn sized PJs, and I forget how much people love shopping for babies. A neighborhood friend is running out for me right now to get a few pairs to make it through the night, and my cousin, who is coming tomorrow - is SUPER excited to get some too.

Leaving my cocoon....

The past 4 days have been wonderful. After my girls arrived on Sunday, I've been staying here at the hospital with them, while Aaron went to work and took care of Hulk. It's kind of crazy, because with Hulk, I couldn't have been separated from Aaron for even an hour.... this time? I'm totally in control. I've been using the nursing staff when I need help, but I'd rather Aaron be with me at home when we don't have anyone to help. He slept here the first night, and after seeing how miserable he was on the pullout couch - and the fact that we had already decided to send the girls to the nursery each night - it just made more sense to have him at home in our bed.

Hulk has been on my mind - but another reason that I have Aaron going home is because I know he is happy with his Dad. Hulk loves my Aunt, of course, but more for play time - I'm sure it would have been weird to wake up in the morning and not see either of us!

The girls are just wonderful. They eat well, sleep well and cuddle perfectly. I've been spending the days feeding them, and then we spend and hour or so sleeping together in bed. I'm the luckiest woman in the world, and I can't wait to get home today and introduce them officially to Hulk. Hulk did come on Sunday - but I'm sure the whole thing was totally overwhelming for him, as I was still hooked up to my IV and everything.

As for me, I'm feeling SO much better than the last time. I'm sore, but totally able to get out of bed on my own (that is one reason Aaron couldn't leave - I seriously needed him to help me get out of bed). I've been walking around, caring for the girls (figuring out how to feed 2 at once!) and getting as much rest as possible. I think not laboring for 20 hours BEFORE the c-section is a big reason for the difference. I also just feel grounded and 'ok'. I don't feel nervous about anything. I feel grateful for my perfect girls, and confidant that I'm able to parent them.

For those of you worrying about a second - it's SO much better the second time around! You can do it!

Trust me, more pictures later. Right now, I'm packing up my bags and waiting for Dad to come and take us home. Oh - one last funny story. Aaron installed the girls carseats last night, and when he picked up Hulk at daycare - he said that Hulk was eyeing the seats VERY suspiciously. LOL.