Totally fine

So. This is the picture that daycare sent me yesterday:

Needless to say, Hulk likes daycare.

And I have to admit, I like working. I was nervous that while I was out -they would discover that they didn't really need me - my boss didn't get a temp for my job while I was gone. His theory was that everyone would take on 10% of my job, and it would all work out. More than one person said that it was more like 40% extra work. Ha! Definitely makes me feel good.

We got home last night, Aaron and I took the dogs and Hulk for a walk. Aaron fed him his bottle while I made dinner and our lunches for the next day. He passed out in his swing while Aaron and I ate dinner... and slept there for almost 2 hours. We woke him up for a bath and a bottle, and he slept for 9 hours!

I was so nervous for this whole thing, and now that it's finally happening, I know it will be totally fine. I got up with Hulk this morning, gave him his bottle and we snuggled and played in bed for about 45 minutes. He played on the bed while I got ready - and then I dropped him off - so far, seems like a doable routine.

I guess the best way to explain it is that when I'm home with him, I'm always on edge. Sure - he sleeps, but I always have one ear listening for him. When he is awake, I feel like I need to be right with him, playing or 'engaging' him. And you are always trying to schedule the day around when he needs a bottle or whatever. Add into the mix two hyper active boxers. When Hulk would sleep and I would try to get stuff done, they would be on my heels and tripping me up. When Hulk would be crying - they would be wrestling and running around the house. By the end of the day, I would just be totally DONE. Baby-tending is really hard work! Yesterday, I slayed all the dragons at the office, picked up Hulk, and had a really nice evening with him (even got to take the dogs for that little walk!). I'm thinking that working/day care is going to make me a better mom.

Thanks for all the nice words yesterday - it helped me get through the day.

I'm here

Well. I'm at work. I thought I was going to be totally fine dropping Hulk off at daycare... but when I arrived, there was a sign on the front door that said 'Welcome Hulk' and I started crying.

I really thought I was tougher than that.

Work is fine. I've been here for 2 hours, and no one is here! Banker's hours, I guess - lol. I'm probably going to leave at 3:30 to go gather up my little man.

Overwhelmed? PMS? Who the hell knows

To more I think about going back to work, the more I think about how hard it is to get things done around here now. And I started getting totally overwhelmed. Aaron is better that about 99% of the husbands I know... but still - inside the house, I do more. He volunteers to help, but I usually just say I'll do it - that it's 'no problem'. And it usually isn't. But for whatever reason, today it is. The fact that I cook dinner, and do the dishes. It actually isn't so much the WASHING of the dishes, but the putting away of the dishes. Or I grocery shop. Or I pick up for the cleaning ladies. Or, when he is sitting and feeding Hulk, and I'm sitting trying to do something else - I hear "Mom!? Burp cloth?" And I run over and get him one. Sigh. See how silly the things that that are pissing me off?

There are loads of other things that are pissing me off right now, but I know a lot of it is wrapped up in the stress of going back to work. The fact that I know a bunch of people quit when I was gone. And the joy of working in banking, where things are totally stressed out.

And. I'm guess that I will be getting AF soon.

Awesome.

Sad and maybe losing it.

So. Thursday I go back to work. I've known it was coming for a while - and honestly, I know it's the right thing for me. Definitely. Not just for the family's finances, but for me as a person. I'm vested in my job, the success of the projects, and the guys that work for me. I take pride in what we do, and I've been there for 8+ years (since the very beginning of the product I work on) and with that comes a level of understanding that many don't get.

But. And this is a BIG but. I freaking love being here with Hulk. I love getting up with him at night (even when I'm super tired) and cuddling with him while he drinks that night-time bottle. I love the huge smile I get when he wakes up at 7 and comes and plays in bed with me until we decide to move on with our day. I love talking with him as we go for walks and do chores. I love the little noises he makes (like his is doing right now) at he settles down to take a nap. I love the fact that people comment as they look at him that he follows my voice around the room. I love sticking him in the Moby wrap and holding him close.

Today I went to the mall to get some clothes, with limited success (found pants but no shirts. damnit). I came home, and made lunch - and in the process dropped and smashed a bowl with a yummy spinach salad in it. And yelled FUCK at the top of my lungs, and then lost it at the dogs (who are constantly plotting against me to achieve this exact thing. It has never worked before, and the sheer look of JOY that they maybe were getting a treat royally pissed me off. Add in the fact that when they found it was a salad, they turned there noses up and walked away really made me lose it). Normally, this wouldn't have set me off.

I guess I'm more conflicted than I thought. I'm a bit annoyed at little things - like last night when I wanted to go to bed at 8:30, my husband was like - you know, you aren't going to be able to do that when you go back to work. First of all - who the fuck cares? I'm NOT going back to work until Thursday! And second... whatever. It think he (and me to to tell the truth) is nervous for me to go back to work. Although technically we agreed my 'job' was to just take care of Hulk - once I got the hang of things - I've been making the dinners, cleaning up the kitchen, washing Hulk's clothes, putting them away, cleaning up the house for the cleaning ladies (I know, I know). And it isn't like Aaron hasn't been doing anything - he finished the laundry and deals with the snow and the garbage and does his totally fair share of the 'Baby Maintenance' as we like to call it (feeding, washing, changing). So - something is going to have to give... wonder if it's going to be my sanity?

Add into the fact that I thought that I'd do all this working out while I was on leave. Project 'Get my Body Back'. And I totally haven't been able to. I was doing well there for a while - going for walks and stuff - then we got the plague. Lately, I just haven't been going for walks during the day or pushing to go to the gym at the end of the day, when Aaron could be watching him. And now, I feel like I totally won't ever have time to go - is it even worth joining the gym again? I just don't know.

So. Here we go. Life is going to totally change again. And I'm freaking out a little bit.

New Phase and a condensed TTC history for IComLeavWe

Wow. For the past week, Hulk has been sleeping 8 - 9+ hours a night. It's freaking awesome. What is NOT awesome is that he now is totally up in the morning, but not really sure what he wants. I swear, this is his thought process:

Hi! Hi! *smiles*
Wait. What is that thing (staring at the window)?
I don't WANT TO BE IN MY SWING ANYMORE.
CRY
Oh. Hi mom. *smiles*
Nice. I like being on Mom's shoulder (nuzzles in).
Wait! I don't want to be held. putmedownputmedonputmedown.
Phew. I really want to be put down. Laying on this play mat this is nice.
AUGH! I don't want to lay down!
NOOOOOOO not on the shoulder!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! All you do is torture me!!!!!
Yes. That is nice. Bumbo seats are fun, thanks.
Oh. I'm getting sleeping.... so sleepy.
NO! NO! NOT IN THE SWING!
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME. (insert baby in sling)
*pause for 5 minutes of happy baby, sometimes maybe up to 15 minutes*
Mom. Mom. Mom. I'm hot. Take me out. OUT OUT OUT.
Wait. Yes. Yes, maybe the swing is ok.

Lather, rinse repeat. People who asked if I was sad about going back to work? Not so much right now, lol.

For those of you here from Icomleavwe - figured I'd give a quick condensed history of our TTC:
Spring 2005 - off the pill.
Spring 2006 - first visit to RE. Diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility. 3 cycles of clomid with IUI
Oct 06 - in between the clomid cycles and starting injectables, got pregnant. Turned out to be ectopic. Devestated.
Oct 06- Oct 07: Forced break because insurance now deems me fertile because of the ectopic pregnancy. Frustrating and annoying.
Sept 07 - change REs because mine is an asshole.
Nov 07, get pregnant on first IVF cycle, very low HCG, miscarriage in Dec.
March 08: Pregnant with Hulk after second IVF cycle!
Dec 08: Hulk enters the world.... life as we know it changes dramatically!

List Day

I'm totally starting to get a 'flow' with this whole parenting thing. Since I'm on a roll with getting stuff done today, I'll throw my past week into bullet form:

• Valentine's Day! We went to an AWESOME dinner at Burton's Grill. Good martini's, awesome steak, and 3 hours together without Hulk. It's totally different to be eating without someone holding a baby.
• Day Care. I dropped off all the paper work for Hulk's first day at daycare... I'm still trying to figure out what I think of all that. On one hand - glad to have a job to go back to, but on the other hand - loving being with my little man.
• Dinner guests! 2 nights in a row, I cooked for other people! Before going through IVF, we used to be the 'dinner party people'. We would often throw dinner parties for 4 couples or more. Doing that again made me feel totally normal. And the fact that both dinner were totally tasty was a plus.
• Sleeping! The past 3 nights, Hulk has slept 8+ hours (last night, 9). I feel that I have regained about 20 IQ points with a full night's sleep.
• Shopping! Today, I went to the mall and got myself a few things that I've wanted for a while. I figured it was ok to get myself some 'going back to work' presents. I got a new wallet, some stuff from Lush, and a panini maker! Hurrah.
• Baking! I used to bake bread every once in a while, but I was afraid to even try with Hulk in the picture. I baked some awesome bread on Saturday, and today, I'm thinking of trying English Muffins. I've never made those before - so we'll see.
• The truck. Aaron is going to give the check and pick up the truck today. I'll be glad to have that drama OVER. Anyone want to buy a 2002 Max.ima?

I think that is everything for now - off to give those English Muffins a whirl.

Nesting?

WTF? I just spent all morning cleaning all our bed linens. Since I was upstairs, I went through all of Hulk's clothes. We are lucky enough to have friends that have given us AWESOME hand me downs (the coolest was right after he was born, a neighbor brought over newborn 'boy' stuff - I loved dressing him up in those little blue outfits! Not that I don't still love dressing him up....). I also have a huge amount of gifts now that we are hitting the 6 month size.

That's right. 6 month size at almost 11 weeks. Never call my boy petite!

But I went through all the drawers, pulled out everything. I took the stuff that didn't fit and sorted by 'to give away' and 'save'. I pulled out a bunch of gifts and good thing I did! Some were ready to be worn! And then I put them all back in the drawers with some semblance of order.

Hulk hung out in his crib... happily playing along - until the batteries in his mobile died. That was a massive crisis... heightened by the fact that the rechargeable batteries weren't recharged. Why is it that baby toys have all the batteries SCREWED into the back of the toy!?! I had to move the crib, find a screwdriver, put in the batteries, screw it BACK on... only to find out the damn batteries weren't charged. I ran downstairs, got normal batteries, unscrewed the back, put them in.... all the while Hulk is whimpering (thank god we didn't make it to meltdown) for me to get it going again. Then he fell asleep! In his crib! For almost an hour!!!!!

I then went and organized my bedroom a little. But seriously - this is more nesting that I did before Hulk arrived. Did anyone else go wacko before they went back to work!? I've only got a week left on my maternity leave.