So - last night we had to do split duties. Hulk was really fussy on Weds night, and continued to be sad during the day yesterday. He ended up with a fever of 100.8 by the end of the day, so of course, we freaked out. In the back of my mind I was sure it was an ear infection (or more I was praying that it was?) but nervous nonetheless. We were a little freaked that it could be something contagious - gotta love daycare - and then I just wasn't sure what we would do. But, Aaron got him to the doc, and he confirmed it was a pretty bad ear infection. But the doc warned us that Hulk probably wouldn't sleep well. We decided to divide and conquer.
Aaron slept downstairs with Hulk's monitor, and I had Maggie with me in bed (and thanks for the heads up on the Amby Baby bed recall, but the issue is more with people who were using it with children who could sit up and/or roll over - which a) they tell you not to use it for children who can do that, and b) it doesn't seem to be working anyway so we stopped using it). She is much easier to calm down if I'm close, so last night she slept just as well as other nights but with less freaking out. She goes about 3 - 4 hour between feedings, which I think is pretty great. It's just the getting her to fall asleep that is the stressful part. She is just such a shrieker, that it goes right to Aaron's core. It sounds like something is wrong with her - even though there isn't. She just needs to settle down, and we are finding that takes some time. With Aaron in another room, I could deal with settling her down. And I can take a nap in the daytime to make up for any lost sleep (although thank god for the weekend!). Hulk only stirred a few times, so here is hoping the ear infection passes quickly.
We are getting there.
In August, I picked out the cutest baby announcements (little sheep!) for the girls. They were from Paper Culture, and the day I got home from the hospital, I ordered a bunch. I wanted to send them out ASAP. When the proof arrived, a day later, we had already lost Nora. I wasn't sure at that point what I was going to do about the announcements*, but I couldn't bring myself to get those. I wrote to tell them them of Nora's passing, and the CEO of the company actually wrote me back. He dealt with the whole thing in a very classy manner - and I'm hoping that anyone that needs announcements or cards will check them out. I picked out this for our Christmas card (I changed the wording to Peace, Love and Joy instead of what they have there). I know I don't have to do Christmas cards, and this is the one year I could easily get away with it - but I now feel like Maggie and Hulk have this huge family that is following up on them, and deserve a sweet Christmas card.
* We did a baby naming for Nora at the memorial service, so that was her 'announcement' and Maggie will be getting her own soon.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Burned
It's all starting to hit now. The knowledge that I would be getting minimal sleep with a newborn is highlighted by the fact that I'm sleeping with one eye open. I know that I can't stay awake 24 hours a day, but it's still hard to sleep. And even if I do manage to close my eyes, about 50% of the time I'm reliving that night over and over. Which sucks.
I try to keep myself busy during the day, but that is getting hard too, because I'm so tired. My stepmother is here visiting, and she is helpful - but in her 70s and I'm not willing to let her drive and honestly don't even really trust her to watch Maggie while I sleep. It isn't that she isn't good with babies either - I pretty much only trust Aaron and his Aunt Mary (she is the one that stayed in the hospital with Maggie when she was in for observation). And in my heart, I know that is a little silly, but I'm not ready yet to just hand her over to anyone.
And Maggie is a hard baby to figure out. Hulk was so easy - he would cry when he was hungry, tired or needed a diaper change. Maggie cries to eat, then eats, and then seems perfectly fine, she burps, you try to lay her down? Shrieking. Louder than you can imagine. And comforting to a point to hear her use those lungs, but I wish I could comfort her! She isn't rearing back or any of the other classic signs of reflux - and does totally fine so long as she is close to me - like during the day, I can hold her and she sleeps fine. Or I got a swing that goes side to side - she loves that. But at night, we try the Amby Baby bed, and it seems like a failure. I'm tempted to just let her sleep in the swing all night - but that seems like a bad idea. She also doesn't take a pacifier yet - which I do think would be a big help. I let her sleep in bed with me this morning - but while SHE can sleep - I lay there with my eyes wide open making sure I don't roll anywhere near her. So that isn't a solution either.
So - with all that - we are pretty much getting sleep in 2 or 3 hour bits. She will generally need a bottle around 8, and it takes about an hour to get her done with a bottle, diaper change and then all it takes to settle her. Then she'll go for a 2 hour sleep, up at around 11 (which Aaron will wake up for), then I'll do the next one (usually around 3) and then she seems to wake up again at 6:15. But, because she is in the same room as us, even though we take turns with getting out of bed, her crying wakes up the other person. And we can't have someone sleep in the guest room, because we have my stepmother here. At Nina's yesterday, I found that she was up to 7 lbs 10 oz - so maybe as she gains more weight this will settle down? Cameron was never this little, so I think that was some of our success with him.
And thanks for all the words of support. I'm glad that most of you get what I am trying to portray. I try to stay strong, but it's hard. Well meaning people ask me how I'm doing, and then for whatever reason I feel like I'm being judged for either being not sad enough or too sad (depends on the day what my reaction is). Everyone wants to help - and at times I just want to be left alone- but at the same time - I dread being alone. My friends call to check up on me, and I don't want to answer the phone, but I know they need to hear my voice to be sure I'm OK. And some people just push and push and I lose it a little... and I feel like I need to apologize. And then I'm like 'Fuck it'. I'm sick of worrying about how other people feel. I'm trying to concentrate on me, Aaron and my children.
At church on Sunday some random woman I didn't know came up and asked me if I was pregnant again. I was holding Cameron. It was the day of remembrance for those who lost children - and I had stood up and lit a candle for Nora. So I turned to her and said - I gave birth to twins 14 days ago! Hoping to shut her down, assuming she hadn't been at that part of the service. Then she went on to ask if they knew what happened to my daughter. I walked away and she followed me - I turned and just said 'Please just leave me alone'. Seriously. WTF.
So. That is where I am. Now I'm going to try to order Christmas cards. The fun never ends.
I try to keep myself busy during the day, but that is getting hard too, because I'm so tired. My stepmother is here visiting, and she is helpful - but in her 70s and I'm not willing to let her drive and honestly don't even really trust her to watch Maggie while I sleep. It isn't that she isn't good with babies either - I pretty much only trust Aaron and his Aunt Mary (she is the one that stayed in the hospital with Maggie when she was in for observation). And in my heart, I know that is a little silly, but I'm not ready yet to just hand her over to anyone.
And Maggie is a hard baby to figure out. Hulk was so easy - he would cry when he was hungry, tired or needed a diaper change. Maggie cries to eat, then eats, and then seems perfectly fine, she burps, you try to lay her down? Shrieking. Louder than you can imagine. And comforting to a point to hear her use those lungs, but I wish I could comfort her! She isn't rearing back or any of the other classic signs of reflux - and does totally fine so long as she is close to me - like during the day, I can hold her and she sleeps fine. Or I got a swing that goes side to side - she loves that. But at night, we try the Amby Baby bed, and it seems like a failure. I'm tempted to just let her sleep in the swing all night - but that seems like a bad idea. She also doesn't take a pacifier yet - which I do think would be a big help. I let her sleep in bed with me this morning - but while SHE can sleep - I lay there with my eyes wide open making sure I don't roll anywhere near her. So that isn't a solution either.
So - with all that - we are pretty much getting sleep in 2 or 3 hour bits. She will generally need a bottle around 8, and it takes about an hour to get her done with a bottle, diaper change and then all it takes to settle her. Then she'll go for a 2 hour sleep, up at around 11 (which Aaron will wake up for), then I'll do the next one (usually around 3) and then she seems to wake up again at 6:15. But, because she is in the same room as us, even though we take turns with getting out of bed, her crying wakes up the other person. And we can't have someone sleep in the guest room, because we have my stepmother here. At Nina's yesterday, I found that she was up to 7 lbs 10 oz - so maybe as she gains more weight this will settle down? Cameron was never this little, so I think that was some of our success with him.
And thanks for all the words of support. I'm glad that most of you get what I am trying to portray. I try to stay strong, but it's hard. Well meaning people ask me how I'm doing, and then for whatever reason I feel like I'm being judged for either being not sad enough or too sad (depends on the day what my reaction is). Everyone wants to help - and at times I just want to be left alone- but at the same time - I dread being alone. My friends call to check up on me, and I don't want to answer the phone, but I know they need to hear my voice to be sure I'm OK. And some people just push and push and I lose it a little... and I feel like I need to apologize. And then I'm like 'Fuck it'. I'm sick of worrying about how other people feel. I'm trying to concentrate on me, Aaron and my children.
At church on Sunday some random woman I didn't know came up and asked me if I was pregnant again. I was holding Cameron. It was the day of remembrance for those who lost children - and I had stood up and lit a candle for Nora. So I turned to her and said - I gave birth to twins 14 days ago! Hoping to shut her down, assuming she hadn't been at that part of the service. Then she went on to ask if they knew what happened to my daughter. I walked away and she followed me - I turned and just said 'Please just leave me alone'. Seriously. WTF.
So. That is where I am. Now I'm going to try to order Christmas cards. The fun never ends.
Monday, December 14, 2009
The new normal
Aaron decided to go back to work today - just to get his mind on something else, which is a good thing, I think. I managed to do the morning routine pretty well - but I had help from the gang. Maggie woke up at 6:15 and was pretty well done with her bottle and fussing by the time Hulk woke up at 7. She hung out while I got Hulk dressed and ready to go. The only hitch was moving from upstairs to downstairs - as Hulk can't go downstairs on his own yet - and I forgot to bring up a sling. I put Maggie down, went down with Hulk, and got him situated with milk in his highchair and of course, while I was pouring it, I hear Mags flipping out upstairs. Run up, get her, and then we were all set. Phew.
The service was totally beautiful and exactly what we needed. The minister talked a lot about hope and honoring Nora by continuing to live our lives with love and joy. And that is exactly what we wanted to pass on to everyone (and us). We were at a loss of what to do, angry... the whole mix of emotions you can expect at a time like this - but mostly our life is joyful. We have a wonderful family, and wonderful friends and Nora would want us to go on living our life with love and happiness. It's not easy, but we are trying.
Yesterday, the fireman came and put up our lights and they were really wonderful. How often do you get to see fireman climbing up the side of your house?
I was joking with Aaron that we were probably freaking out a few neighbors to have fire trucks in our front yard. But most of the kids were over checking out the fire truck - Hulk was loving it:
Sunday was also the day that Santa was riding the fire truck around town to see all the kids. Maggie said hi:
And here we all are (Hulk was totally fascinated by the fireman on the ladders - so he wouldn't look at the camera):
A new normal. Our little family. Not what we expected, but we are adjusting.
The service was totally beautiful and exactly what we needed. The minister talked a lot about hope and honoring Nora by continuing to live our lives with love and joy. And that is exactly what we wanted to pass on to everyone (and us). We were at a loss of what to do, angry... the whole mix of emotions you can expect at a time like this - but mostly our life is joyful. We have a wonderful family, and wonderful friends and Nora would want us to go on living our life with love and happiness. It's not easy, but we are trying.
Yesterday, the fireman came and put up our lights and they were really wonderful. How often do you get to see fireman climbing up the side of your house?
I was joking with Aaron that we were probably freaking out a few neighbors to have fire trucks in our front yard. But most of the kids were over checking out the fire truck - Hulk was loving it:
Sunday was also the day that Santa was riding the fire truck around town to see all the kids. Maggie said hi:
And here we all are (Hulk was totally fascinated by the fireman on the ladders - so he wouldn't look at the camera):
A new normal. Our little family. Not what we expected, but we are adjusting.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Doing well
Tomorrow is going to be a rough day - but I think a good day. The memorial service for Nora is tomorrow, and I feel like it will help, but also just be a hard, hard day. You all have helped make it better by sending some beautiful flowers - and I must thank you all for that. It was just signed the ALI community - so a big hug to you all!
Maggie is doing beautifully. She eats about every 3 hours, and gives us a big lusty cry when she is ready for attention, which we love to hear. The only issue she has is a pretty nasty diaper rash as she had diarrhea from the IV antibiotics. But that is clearing up really well too. Today, I took out the vibrating seat that we used with Cameron - thinking I would maybe put her down in it. Aaron came into the room and laughed at me around 4 PM this afternoon - he said 'Good job using that seat today, babe' - as this is where Maggie spent her day:
Maggie is doing beautifully. She eats about every 3 hours, and gives us a big lusty cry when she is ready for attention, which we love to hear. The only issue she has is a pretty nasty diaper rash as she had diarrhea from the IV antibiotics. But that is clearing up really well too. Today, I took out the vibrating seat that we used with Cameron - thinking I would maybe put her down in it. Aaron came into the room and laughed at me around 4 PM this afternoon - he said 'Good job using that seat today, babe' - as this is where Maggie spent her day:
That is my lap.
: )
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Comfort in community
One of the most amazing things that I've seen is the complete outpouring of support of Aaron and I. Food, flowers, offers of running errands... but some things are blowing me away.
The town fire department flew their flag at half mast yesterday for us. And they have set up snowplowing for the whole winter, along with plans to bring the ladder truck over on Sunday afternoon to put up our Christmas lights. They were desperate to do something - and here I was feeling bad for the poor ambulance driver who I basically tossed Nora at on Friday and screamed for him to help us. For most of the emergency/health care professionals we have worked with over the past 3 days, this is the first time they have dealt with something like this. They seem just as heartbroken as Aaron and I. And it is amazing the support they have given us.
Maggie is doing wonderfully. We got home from the hospital last night. She was in the hospital for 48 hour observation pending results from her and Nora's blood work, and also putting her on a broad spectrum of antibiotics for safety. The first blood work results on Maggie came back with bacteria in it - but my doc was pretty sure it was a contaminated sample (the bacteria was a bacteria commonly found on the skin), but until the confirmed otherwise, would continue her on antibiotics. By Monday, we were sure it was a contaminated sample, so they drew another, and by noon yesterday we had confirmation that nothing was wrong with her (and second opinions confirming that again) so we brought her home. And she's been wonderful. She had a bottle at 8 PM, slept until 11, another bottle at 2:30, and then slept until 5:30. We managed to sleep also - which to me was a small miracle... but every time we heard her little 'chirp' from her bed (which we moved to within arms reach of my side of the bed) both of us would giggle a little. My one moment of panic was that she woke up at 5:30, but was mostly just chirping (which for her is a warm up to full on screaming. The girl knows when she wants to eat). I was just laying there waiting for her to really wake up - because she is easier to feed that way. Well, I guess we both feel asleep again, because I woke up at 6:30 in a total panic that she was quiet again, and ripped her out of bed (she was sound asleep and totally fine. The girl is going to have no startle reflex when she is older). I'm sure it was easier for her to sleep here than at the hospital where she was hooked up to the IV and what seemed like a million monitors.
I am so thankful that I am am surrounded by this wonderful community that is just allowing me to concentrate on my Maggie, Hulk and our grief. Everything else is totally taken care of.
The town fire department flew their flag at half mast yesterday for us. And they have set up snowplowing for the whole winter, along with plans to bring the ladder truck over on Sunday afternoon to put up our Christmas lights. They were desperate to do something - and here I was feeling bad for the poor ambulance driver who I basically tossed Nora at on Friday and screamed for him to help us. For most of the emergency/health care professionals we have worked with over the past 3 days, this is the first time they have dealt with something like this. They seem just as heartbroken as Aaron and I. And it is amazing the support they have given us.
Maggie is doing wonderfully. We got home from the hospital last night. She was in the hospital for 48 hour observation pending results from her and Nora's blood work, and also putting her on a broad spectrum of antibiotics for safety. The first blood work results on Maggie came back with bacteria in it - but my doc was pretty sure it was a contaminated sample (the bacteria was a bacteria commonly found on the skin), but until the confirmed otherwise, would continue her on antibiotics. By Monday, we were sure it was a contaminated sample, so they drew another, and by noon yesterday we had confirmation that nothing was wrong with her (and second opinions confirming that again) so we brought her home. And she's been wonderful. She had a bottle at 8 PM, slept until 11, another bottle at 2:30, and then slept until 5:30. We managed to sleep also - which to me was a small miracle... but every time we heard her little 'chirp' from her bed (which we moved to within arms reach of my side of the bed) both of us would giggle a little. My one moment of panic was that she woke up at 5:30, but was mostly just chirping (which for her is a warm up to full on screaming. The girl knows when she wants to eat). I was just laying there waiting for her to really wake up - because she is easier to feed that way. Well, I guess we both feel asleep again, because I woke up at 6:30 in a total panic that she was quiet again, and ripped her out of bed (she was sound asleep and totally fine. The girl is going to have no startle reflex when she is older). I'm sure it was easier for her to sleep here than at the hospital where she was hooked up to the IV and what seemed like a million monitors.
I am so thankful that I am am surrounded by this wonderful community that is just allowing me to concentrate on my Maggie, Hulk and our grief. Everything else is totally taken care of.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Finding the good
Something I've found comfort in today is remembering that without great love, you wouldn't have sorrow. My heart is filled with a mixture of sadness and love and joy - and I am thankful to have celebrated Hulk's first birthday today.
..
There is no real way to say this. Nora passed away last night. We don't know why or how - they are trying to figure it out. Maggie is in the hospital for observation for 48 hours with IV antibiotics as a safety measure - but we are told that she is totally ok.
Cameron is turns one today. We are trying to still keep it as his special day - and the joy in his laughter is keeping me sane for now.
Cameron is turns one today. We are trying to still keep it as his special day - and the joy in his laughter is keeping me sane for now.
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