Monday, December 31, 2007


Hey Gang! Sorry I've been out of touch for so long, but Aaron got the new hardwood floor installed in our new room. It's attached to the office, so using the computer has been pretty toxic for the past week or so. But - it's exciting that another big part of that room is finished. Of course, once this room is done - an even BIGGER remodel will be underway... I'm just not thinking about that right now.

Christmas was pretty good. We didn't go to overboard with the presents, but each got some things we were excited to receive. My mom visited, and as I said in my last post, she was pretty tiring to have as a guest. She isn't one to just sit and relax, I'm sure you all know the type. And, she has been listening to 'advice' from people she works with - talking to me about 'just relaxing' and stuff like that. I didn't get mad with her - she really is at a loss for what to say to me at this point.

The final shitty thing of the year is that my maternal grandmother passed away on Sunday morning. We weren't very close to begin with, but about 15 years ago, my mother and her had a falling out and some pretty horrible things were said to my mother. She isn't the type to forgive and forget, so she 'divorced' herself from her mother. They haven't spoke since. And I, because I felt like I had to support my mother, didn't either. My grandmother wasn't a very loving or warm person, so it wasn't a huge loss. But I did know that it still bothered my mom, because she was always telling my stuff she heard about her mom from her cousins... she pretended like she didn't care but she did. When she called me to tell her that she died, I asked if she wanted to go to the funeral. She said she didn't, and then she started crying. So, we've arranged for a private viewing on Weds so she can say goodbye but not have to see the part of the family that was so cruel to her.

NO matter what, it's never easy to learn that your mother has died.

I've been battling a pretty bad cold for the past few days (what a fun vacation, let me tell you) - but looking forward to a fun New Year's eve party at my friend's house tonight. They have the game Rock Band for Xbox 360 - and it's SUPER fun. We are going to dress up like rock stars and everything.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Fakin' it till I'm makin' it.

That is my theory. If things are shitty, just pretend that they aren't... and eventually, it'll be true. Well, I've never really needed to fake it for quite this long (well at least not for a very long time). And it's exhausting. My mom was here from Saturday, and we went to a show on Saturday, out shopping on Sunday, had a dinner party on Monday night. Tuesday I couldn't function. I just opened presents and then sat in the living room all day. I felt really bad that I wasn't entertaining her... but I just couldn't do it anymore.

The cleaning ladies came today - giving Aaron and I reason to totally get rid of any signs of Christmas in the house. I feel better now that my living room isn't crowded by a tree that is leaving needles everywhere. I feel like such a scrooge!

I did go for a massage today, and it felt great. But, for at least the next 24 hours I'm allowing myself to just veg out and do NOTHING. I'm tired, still a bit sad, and wanting it to be my turn. I almost wrote 'wanting it to be my turn for the good stuff' and even I'm not that bitter yet. I know I have a better life than I won't go there.

Monday, December 24, 2007


Well, let's list out the shitty things that have happened in the past 72 hours.

1. D&C
2. Main Septic line on house backed up (fixed, thankfully)
3. Dog peeing all over house
4. Cece gets car stuck in snow
5. Aaron breaks shear pin on snowblower (while trying to get car unstuck)
6. MIL visits (OK, that wasn't all that shitty, but I had to throw it in)
7. Melting snow/ice combo leaks water into new addition

Each night we go to bed and figure that nothing else bad can happen, can it? Thankfully, today is finally going smoothly. We are cooking dinner for some friends, my mom is here and being the right level of 'annoying mother' to make it fun... and all the presents are wrapped under the tree.

The piece of good stuff I wanted to tell you all about? The Gathering Kitchen. It's is even better than it sounds. You go to this place, they have all the ingredients and spices and everything you need right in front of you, chopped and ready to go! Nothing could be easier! And the portions are for 4 - 6 people, so I got 2 or 3 meals out of each! I'm totally planning on going each month.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas Eve - I hope nothing else decides to go wrong. I'm a little nervous - because Aaron decided that right now, 2 hours before guests arrive, was the right time to install a new light in the dining room. Fingers crossed.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Freaking snow

Now, I'm not one to complain about the snow... I live in New England because I love it. But WILL complain about it when it forces my 1 PM D&C, which I was NOT happy to be getting in the first place, to be delayed until 5:30. We left the hospital at 7 PM.

The procedure itself was no big deal - but it was the first time that I've gotten a tube down my throat during surgery - and that is what is sore today - nothing else. The big deal was the not eating for almost 16 hours, dehydrated headache, and listening to all the people in the waiting room whine and complain about the delays. I was crying on and off with frustration, mostly.

The good news was the doc I had was the same doc as my ET - and I like her a lot - she was very sweet. And now I'm feeling fine. I got a blood HCG to see that the levels are down to zero - if they aren't I needed to get more blood drawn to watch them go down.

**Breaking news bulletin***. Today is supposed to be an EASIER day! As I was sitting here typing, and I could hear water running! All over the bathroom. And as we were mopping everything else, our dog decided to pee everywhere (pay attention to me, Ma!). AUGH! Aaron just drove out to get a snake to fix it. Christ.

Tonight, my MIL is visiting. This is the woman that knows what I'm going through because it took her 3 months to get pregnant once. And now she is told Aaron that she's also had a D&C (do you get those is you haven't had a miscarriage? I don't think so).We were supposed to go down to Westport, MA to pick her up (1.5 hour drive) but I told Aaron to use the pity card - and his brother is driving her here instead. So, I still have to deal with her, but only for a quick overnight, and then my Mom is here until the day after Christmas.

I have some fun new things to share with you, but don't want to throw it at the bottom of that whining post!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

And the hits just keep on rolling...

I'm scheduled for a D&C tomorrow, 1 PM.

I got a bad feeling when the u/s tech was asking me if I had a lot of cramping (which I haven't), and then showed me on the ultrasound that I should have a line down the middle of my uterus(which I didn't). And, since I had breakfast, we couldn't do it today.... so now we have to drive all the way into Boston AGAIN tomorrow.

I've scheduled a massage for myself this afternoon - my shoulders are so tight they are killing me.

So - thing start getting better when?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


I'm at work today, and god forbid anyone dares to cross me. I'm SUPER cranky. We moved from one floor to another at work, and I went from having an office (with a DOOR) to a cube. Now, the cube is very nice and spacious and I have a window and anything... but NO DOOR. And the people who are sitting around me are very very very annoying. I guess I'll have to learn to tune them out. One sounds like a crow when she talks. AUGH!

Tomorrow I go in for my ultrasound to see if everything is cleared up. I think it should be - I finally stopped bleeding last night with a bit of spotting today. I really do NOT want to have to have surgery - so keep your fingers crossed on that front. I'll be seeing my nurse after the u/s - so I'll ask her questions on the plan for the next cycle. I do know I have to have it before March 31st (for insurance), but I don't think that will be an issue. I am planning on taking the whole day tomorrow as a sick day - so that will be nice in a not so nice way....

Alright - I need to go to the store and pick up a few random things for Aaron for Christmas. We aren't doing anything major - but I have some funny joke things that I'd like to get.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Heavy Sigh

I learned 2 things this weekend. I like Manhattans (the adult beverage). 6 is too many.

We went to a holiday party on Friday. For a passing moment, I thought it was maybe a bad idea. But Aaron wanted to go so badly, that I went along for the ride. I was going to use the same coping mechanism that I use with Aaron's family... have 2 drinks within the first 1/2 hour, and then maintain the buzz all night. (I highly recommend this to anyone with horrible in-laws. You just look at them and smile when they come over and ask for the 100th time if you are pregnant yet, or how much your new car cost or when will you be visiting again? Take another sip and smile.) The secret is NOT getting drunk. Turns out that 2 Manhattans is like 4 drinks - because I was wasted in short order. Normally that would be fun, but a bunch of Aaron's work friends were there, and I was pouring out my life story. And really only giving the BAD parts.


Then, on the way home, I had a meltdown - telling him that I'm so frustrated that most of my friends that got married in the same year as us have kids (yes, kids plural) and that it must suck for him to be married to me.... having to go through all this bullshit to have children when so many others don't even have to think about it.... and on an on an on and on.

Good times.

What I'm thinking that that I shouldn't be drinking heavily for a bit. Or maybe do it when I only have a few minutes drive home? Not an hour? Poor Aaron.

I had another holiday party last night. This was with the ladies on my street, and it was fun. Get together with a group of woman who have had children, and you learn, again, that pretty much everyone has had miscarriages. Totally normal (but still sucky). I got a lot of hugs and offers of help if I need it. I found out there there are 3 nurses on my street, and one of them actually has gone as a traveling nurse to the homes of people doing IVF to administer shots! Because the husband won't do it! I told that to Aaron, and he said any man who won't do the shots, when his wife is willing to put her body through so much - is lame! It's good to know that if Aaron needed to go away on business, I have other options.

That party last night was the same party that threw me for a loop last year. We went around the room last year, and said what we were thankful for. There were 20 woman there, and 3 were visibly pregnant (this was a month after my ectopic). Those 3, and two more, gave thanks for their healthy pregnancy. All I could do was sit there and throw on the fake smile. This year - I just told the people in charge that if they did the thankful thing I would kill them. (We are also friends now, and I told them that story, and they still feel bad about it.).

Onto my final week of work before vacation. Thank god.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Good things

Because I really don't have much more to say about the miscarriage than 'Fuck.' - I thought I'd take a bit this week to talk about the good things. I'm very lucky in my life to not only have a pretty much perfect husband (trust me, he has his faults, but he's perfect where it matters), but also a great group of wonderful friends. Last night, one of them brought over some take out food, and other joined later to sit and knit, eat chocolate cake and drink wine coolers with me. (Wine coolers! It's been like 10 years! They are AWESOME). There was also a card that read:

"The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour".

And on the inside it said: "Happiness is on it's way!".

What a perfect card. It made me smile, and it's right next to my desk. I do know that the ectopic, the years of trying and the miscarriage are just our detours on the way to parenthood. I have complete faith that we'll be parents. I'd just really like to get on the main road soon.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Hey everyone. Thanks for your nice, thoughtful and supportive comments yesterday. After all the spotting last week - I had a pretty good feeling that things were going south, but was trying to stay positive.

You know, because staying positive is important. And relaxing. Drink some wine and you'll get pregnant.

Whoops, bitter Cece has entered the building.

All last week I had bright red spotting. I knew it was bad when I called the nurse and they wanted to know the size of the spots - dime sized or quarter? And I was like, well - they are all smooshed together now... I can't tell how big they are when they overlap! Sigh. And then on Monday night, I was home and sitting in the living room, and I felt a gush. No pain, just a gush. I went to the bathroom, and I was bleeding... but I would wipe and it would stop. I would go back and sit, and a few minutes later a bit more. Again and again. I called Aaron, who was working late, and told him I was spotting again.... and I could tell that he was sick of me obsessing about it (I couldn't come out on the phone and say I was bleeding for whatever reason.). I just knew that it was a miscarriage, but didn't want to say the words.

After a restless night's sleep, Aaron asked me in the morning what I wanted to do. Did I want to wait until Weds for the u/s? I did but I didn't. So we went in. They confirmed everything, but were very nice and understanding.

I'm OK. Sad, but OK. Everyone has been really great, and Aaron is being wonderful. The doc told me that they'll review my case, and once I get my period, we'll start again. And I'm ready, trust me. I have the whole week of Christmas off, and we are staying home. My boss is being really understanding (he wife went through this also) so that is good. But I'm working today - if I just sit here, all I'll do is cry. And that sucks.

I go in again next week for an u/s to be sure everything is OK again, and then I'll just relax for a bit.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

That sucks

Went to the doc this morning. After I posted last night - I had a LOT of bleeding. They confirmed a miscarriage.

Damn it.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Random Thoughts

I did call my nurse. She makes the following good points:
1. There is nothing they could actually do if I was having a miscarriage.
2. I'm not having major pain, so that is a good sign (hey Jo - it's like you are a doctor or something, you are just so smart)
3. I could come in for the u/s tomorrow, but it would be on an emergency basis. Which means I'd sit there and wait for hours until they could fit me in.

Since Rational Cece is in the house, and points 1 - 3 make it seem a bit silly to go in and waste hours when I have a 8:45 u/s appointment for the next day... I'm waiting. Come on Wedsday... and bleeding? You can stop anytime now. Seriously.

Other random points:
- I cleaned out my desk for the first time in years. I found 25 euros from my honeymoon. Sweet! Now I need to get them exchanged for cold hard American cashola.
- Our Christmas tree is up and beautiful. Probably our best yet. Not to tall, not to wide.... and it looks great.
- I received my Christmas CD from JJ. Damn that gal can sing! I would recommend that everyone rush over and buy one (and help fund her baby making!)
- I've lost a bunch of subscribers on bloglines. Perhaps people are pissed that I'm whining so much and can't just be happy I'm pregnant? Sorry - I'll work on that. Or maybe it's the swearing.
- I finally gave into my first craving. Doritos. Oh how I love you and your cheesy, orangie, salty wonderfulness.

Since I'm a doctor...


I'm thinking that clot/bleeding is/was a Subchorionic Hematoma. Just because I haven't had any real pain, and once that clot passed yesterday, I've barely had any spotting.

I know a bunch of you are recommending I call and see if I can get the u/s early - but I'm not going to do that. I know that if I go in early, and don't see a heartbeat because I pushed it too early, I'll be MORE freaked out than I am about the bleeding. As of today, I'm 6.5 weeks. When we go on Wends, I'll be 7 weeks, and I know we should see a heartbeat at that point.

Also - honestly - if I'm going to get bad news, I rather wait and not rush it, know what I mean?

Sunday, December 9, 2007


So. I've been spotting red since Tuesday. Tonight, I went to the bathroom, and a swear, a clot the size of my thumbnail came out. I freaked out and showed Aaron (I'm sure he is loving this). He says it's normal for all we know - considering I'm on the progesterone and everything. I hate this. I want Weds to be here NOW.

I was thinking I should call the IVF fellow on call - but everytime I've mentioned my spotting to the nurse - she says it's normal - and I know plenty of you out there that have had it and are fine. And another part of me would just like to wait until Weds in case it's bad news too.


Friday, December 7, 2007

6 Weeks and change

I just found out today that one of my friend's wife is also pregnant - and due just a few weeks before me! Makes me feel bad that he was worried to tell me - but I think it's cool. Of course, my first thought was that I hope we get to be pregnancy buddies... and then I flashed to... why wouldn't we? It isn't like I have a history of miscarriages! I have a history of trouble getting pregnant and of it not being in the right place. Well, I AM pregnant and it IS in the right place. Plus - remember I had that implantation bleeding at 10 DPO? That is a little later than normal... so being a little behind makes sense. Of course - I'll hold off on total excitement until Weds... but I think this is great news, having a buddy IRL to go through pregnancy with. And this is her second baby - so she'll be a great resource.

In other news, I've been trying to follow a good pregnancy diet. I'm eating a lot of fruits and veggies, eating Total for breakfast, and including a lot more calcium in my diet. I also stopped caffeine and am taking my prenatal vitamin daily. I told myself in the beginning that I wasn't going to let myself be all obsessed with what people tell me to eat (Christ - my mother drank coffee and alcohol the whole time she was pregnant with me!)... but it does make sense. Mostly it's just being healthy. I also really want to start getting back to the gym, but my nurse says to wait on that until the spotting stops... which makes sense.

Looking forward to the weekend - I need to put up our Christmas tree!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

I'm an ass

I can't let myself me happy about my pregnancy! It's annoying! The spotting continued yesterday (but has almost totally stopped today) and even though I was told to expect it... I didn't know how LONG was normal.

Also - my nausea? It's more in the form of *burp*, *BURP*, *BURP*, *GROSS BURP*. Do you know what I mean? I'm not throwing up... but there is a lot of burping and the occasional gross, throw-upy kind of burp.

But yesterday, one of my neighbors stopped by with this really cool pregnancy journal thing - it tells you what is happening every single day. And has a bunch of good tips (like don't drink water WITH food - I have noticed that increases the chance of gross burps).

Aaron is SO positive and optimistic that he's kind of forcing me to be too... and I have no real reason to think that everything isn't just fine... but I'm nervous. You know what I mean?

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The day after...

I woke up this morning all excited and happy. It's a great feeling. I guess yesterday's appointment was weighing on me a heck of a lot more than I thought.

I'm feeling a lot more 'pregnant' today. Yesterday I had my first real bout of nausea! Who knew I'd be excited for that to start? But, on the other hand, the spotting hasn't stopped. God forbid that nerve wracking, supposedly 'normal' thing would just stop for me! But - the nurse did make a point of telling me yesterday to expect spotting from my trans-vag u/s yesterday. I understand that they needed to be totally sure the second embryo didn't implant where it wasn't supposed to - but I was violated by the u/s tech. I seriously was in pain. Which is why this current bit of red spotting isn't freaking me out (much). I would be more surprised if I didn't spot, I think.

Well gals, guess this is really happening! I even added the little ticker on my sidebar with a picture of what little Hulk looks like. How is that for positive thinking?

Monday, December 3, 2007

good news! One yolk sack in the right place!

I'm home! What a great day. First - what you all came to see:

I got to the appointment about 45 minutes early - and they only made we wait for a bit. I went in the room, and right away she did the u/s on my stomach - they saw the sac right away! Huge relief for me, obviously.

Then I had to wait a bit for the trans-vaginal one, as the radiologist needed to be there. That was really NOT pleasant. Since they put in two, and I have a history with an ectopic, they had to look everywhere for a second sac. Let's just say that if I was worried about having sex because of the baby, I am no longer. It was VERY uncomfortable.

We didn't see a heartbeat, but I'm not worried about that. I'm measuring 5 and a half weeks - which is what I was thinking I would be (with that later implantation spotting and my low numbers to begin with). My nurse has me coming in next week on Weds for an ultrasound where we should definitely see a heartbeat... and Aaron will be back in town for that... which obviously makes me happy. I know seeing the hearbeat is yet another thing for me to obsess about - but for whatever reason - I'm not. At least not just yet.

Happy Sigh.

Sunday, December 2, 2007


I've come to a sort of peace (kind of). There is not one thing that I can do to change tomorrow's ultrasound. It will be what it will be. Aaron and I have done everything just as the doctor told us, and so far, so good. Tomorrow at 1:30, I'll find out what is going on inside... and that is both exciting and scary. And, like Aaron told me before he left tonight - no matter what happens - we are going to be OK.

Not saying I won't cry if things aren't as we hope... but I know that I'll be OK. I certainly wish that I had him by my side for everything - but I've got a pretty great 'stand-in'... and I'm really hoping that all this worry is for naught.

I keep on reminding myself that my numbers were great. Everything looks good. The spotting is minimal. So, I'll keep on thinking good thoughts, and know that I have a huge support team out there putting out good, positive vibes too.

I promise to update when I get home tomorrow!