Friday, June 29, 2007
I guess my plan of a weekend in the woods at my family's cabin was just about the best idea I've have in a while. Aaron is driving up with me, but then going home because he needs to work on Monday. I don't. I have Monday - the 4th off, and I plan to hang out, just me and the dogs, relax, knit, go for walks, go swimming in the lake...and pray to the fertility gods that my stupid doctor gets the insurance decision reversed.
See you on the flip side!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Aaron and I have been talking about this whole situation. Both of us are analytical types. When we first started the whole IF process, I knew a little bit about what would happen. Not too much. And my default reaction when dealing with medical people is trust. I assume they have my best interests in mind, and are the experts. I defer to them. When Aaron and I first had our treatments laid out, we started with the normal tests, and moved onto clomid. I had no idea what to expect from the first meeting, so was excited when I left, figuring we would be pregnant the next month. And the doc was very optimistic about the whole thing also.
Next month, we moved to clomid with IUI. Without question. And then when that didn't work, another month of clomid with IUI. That month I had a cyst... so we decided to take a month off before starting injectables with IUI. I needed to get an HSG for this next step. He really didn't mention how much that would HURT! This wasn't the first time he forgot to mention the 'downsides' of a treatment. He didn't really mention about the side effects of clomid either.
And then I got pregnant. And I came for the u/s. And that is when the shit hit the fan. Nothing in my uterus. I was shuttled to Boston for a 'better' u/s. Send BACK to my doc's office. I sat in the waiting room with all the babies and pregnant women for over an hour until someone realized that was a bad idea. He told me that day, that once this cleared up, I would need to go straight to IVF. Nothing about the rules we would have to follow. Nothing about the waiting time. And, misinformation about expected weight loss. Nothing about additional required testing for Aaron.
This whole IVF process has been much more harrowing than it needed to be. If we understood the expected next steps, or the issues we may have encountered, I would have been able to deal with the last month of disappoints much better. In addition, his continuous focus on my weight (which even came up on the phone when I talk to him yesterday!) when all of the tests I have undergone have rules out my weight as the issue.... I think I need to move on. He did tell me that he is submitting a protest on Friday to the insurance companies ruling. If he is somehow successful in getting me in for IVF before Oct, I'll at least go through this next cycle with him. But, I have made an appointment with a doctor at Brigham and Woman's for August 7th.
Aaron and I both feel that talking to a different doctor can't hurt. And she may have different input for us. We are certainly better educated after a year of dealing with IF -and know what questions to ask. We also know what WE need from our doctor. The group at Brigham and Woman's is large enough, that I feel like if I explain to her what we, as a couple dealing with infertility, need - and she can't provide it - maybe she could point us to another doc that can.
Might as well give success a chance to happen, right?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I got the official letter in the mail from the insurance company rejecting my claim. If I had the ectopic on the month we did the IUI - it would be no question to move onto IVF. The fact that it was the month AFTER the IUI is the issue.
With the list of problems I have had with this doc and his office, I find myself wondering if I should switch to another office. He has been insensitive and callous at times. I am of the mind that I would rather have honesty from a doctor than someone pussy footing around stuff.... but sometimes he is brutal. And, with all this IVF stuff, has been giving us false hopes. So, if we get pushed off until October, I think I'm going to consider stitching. Anyone have recommendations for a good RE in the Boston area that takes Tufts heath insurance?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Anyhoo... the nurse called Aaron back and explained in more detail (and I will agree with you - I'm loving the term 'exposed to sperm'). Apparently, the fact that I got pregnant, no matter that is was a) the cycle after I took clomid, so YES technically a medicated cycle as clomid stays in your body for 6 weeks and b) ectopic and c) we have now been trying for 27 months to have a baby, means that I do not have a fertility issue. Because I was pregnant less than 12 months ago.
My doc is apparently really annoyed and will be protesting it. The nurse is sure that once he explains about the ectopic, that I will get approved. But I'll tell you what - when I called my insurance company to talk about this? She said that clinicians went over my chart to determine if I was approved or not - and I think that is a HUGE load of bullshit. If they had really looked, and looked past my BFP in October, they would have seen the ectopic, and I wouldn't be going through all this now.
It's going to be interesting to see when (if!?!?!) we get approved in time to do the July cycle.
Thanks for all the support, guys.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Aaron is calling the doc's office right now.
But WTF! I'll keep updating this post as a learn more - but this would mean that I couldn't do IVF until OCTOBER.
Saturday was such a beautiful day weather-wise, I took an 8 mile walk. It felt great to be outside. And Sunday - after yoga, I actually cleaned the house, and organised some things. I know - it seems weird to say that would make a good weekend, but usually we have our house cleaned by a cleaning service. I had canceled them for a few weeks, as we are in the middle of getting a new driveway. So, it's been about 3 weeks since the house has been cleaned. And - we have a cleaning service for the obvious reason - I'm too busy to clean. To actually have time to clean! And - I was moving platters and table linens into our new dining room built in. Then I was inspired to iron all the napkins. Funny how those things were weighing on my mind.
Sunday night, we had friends and family over for a little dinner party - and we grilled steaks, swordfish, salmon and chicken. I had made a cucumber salad and Love, Hope and Faith's Sweet Potato salad. Someone brought coleslaw, and for dessert, berries and fresh whipped cream. It was a fun dinner - good food and great company!
And it's now Monday. Blech. I called my insurance lady, and my stuff has been submitted but not yet approved. Gah.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
I think he loves me!
Ha. Speaking of the man that loves me, he is coming home early from Vegas. He was able to give his presentation yesterday, and told me that it went really well... but his hives are still there. And his hands are swollen to twice their normal size. He just wants to come home and go to the doctor and get this fixed! Which is good for both of us. I like having a little bit of time alone, but after a few days I get lonely. I'm really looking forward to seeing him tonight!
No new IVF news. I'm one week into the 2ww... and still haven't heard from the insurance lady. I think I'm going to call on Monday if I still haven't heard. And I think I'm going to force myself to resist POSing until the 30th. Think I can last?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Childhood years: Mom send me to Weight Watchers when I was 12. I was a national level swimmer, working out 2 -4 hours a day, and my calorie intakes was at about 1200 cals a day. (that is insanely low, for those of you that aren't obsessed with weight). If my mom left me home alone? I would cook myself rice or pasta because I was SO hungry. I really think she was doing what she felt was best, as she was chubby in high school and got called Hippo Hips (kids are awesome, no?). Even with all this work, I was still about a size 12 - 14.
College: First time I was really allowed to eat whatever I wanted. But was still swimming (and now that I was in college, was working out 5 -6 hours a day with the swim team). I didn't gain much weight, but was a size 14 - 16.
Out of college: Worked a consulting firm about 90 - 100 hours a week for 2 straight years. Gained weight, stopped working out, and was up to a size 16 - 18.
Shitty 3 month period: I fell in love with a bad man. I realized my mistake and left him. He stalked me and threatened to kill me. I lost 60 pounds. My mom wouldn't stop taking pictures of me. Got down to a size 12.
Move to Boston area: Got a new job, was working out regularly, did gain back about 50 pounds, but was doing triathlons. Even completed an Ironman. Was about a size 16 - 18.
Got Married: Now living the American Dream. Got good job, got married, bought a house....didn't get pregnant. Got sad. Stopped working out. Gained weight. Weighed more than I ever have. Up to a size 24!
Got ass in gear: I forced myself to go to the gym. This was really hard. I felt I was too fat. I felt that people would stare. It was the exact opposite. I started doing power yoga, and the people there were so supportive. And I started walking. I could barely make it a mile. My lower back hurt when I walked because I had spend so much time on my ass, my back muscles were THAT WEAK. I slowly walked more. And went to yoga more (at the most, 3 times a week). I felt great. I lost 25 pounds, I did the Breast Cancer Three day (and I walked every single one of those 60 miles), and felt wonderful again. Down to a size 22 (a loose 22 - the 24s were actually TIGHT before)
Last year: Had the ectopic. Gained back 10 pounds. Had doc tell me a needed to lose 20 pounds to get to do IVF. Ass gets kicked back in gear. Now, I'm down 33 pounds from when I started losing weight last April, and am wearing a loose size 20.
So - as you can see, it's been a lifetime struggle. I'm still the fat girl in the yoga class. And I don't care. I look this way, but I am strong. And I have been even bigger, have been very weak! Stepping into that yoga class for the first time 15 months ago was tough, I'll admit it. But I forced myself to do it, and it was one of the best things I've done for myself in a while. We are all at different point in our life and our fitness journey's. No one is judging you! (or if they are, they are assholes). If you go to the gym, and you don't like to see what you look like in workout clothes - don't look in the mirror! I don't have full length mirrors at my house for this exact reason. In yoga class, if the room has a mirror - stare at yourself in the eyes. That is what I do. It not only makes to stop obsessing about the flab on your belly, but helps in the balancing postures.
OK - I'm off my soapbox now. Here is my progress for the week:
Yoga: 4 times
Walked: 6 times (4 three mile walks, two 6.5 mile walks)
Weight: stayed the same (so still .5 pounds to go - but I wasn't as careful with my sodium this week - so I'm really happy I maintained 4 pound weight loss from last week!)
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I did go to yoga last night (I was admittedly nervous) and Dan didn't say anything, and the owner actually took class with us. I don't know what she said - but he was back to his 'old self' - still a task master, but not nasty. I was happy. And I had a GREAT class.
A bunch of you asked what I thought about yoga and how it helps with stress levels. I really like the 'hot' yogas - Baron Baptiste and Bikram. They are also the more vigorous types of yoga (power yoga - some people call them?). And also - I'm a 'type A' person - I really don't do well in the 'relax and breathe' type class. For me, being in a room with 50% humidity and 110 degrees and then doing difficult yoga postures is an awesome way for me to be forced to take my mind off of any other crap I have going on. Since I've to going to yoga (4 times a week, starting in March) I've lost 20 pounds and have seen a noticeable change in my body shape and stress level (well on the stress level part - not so much last week, but in general). Also - I have been sleeping really well. For a while there - I was staying up all night thinking about stupid stuff... now I'm so wiped out, I just fall asleep (and stay asleep) all night!
I think that there is a yoga out there for everyone. Maybe power yoga isn't for you - but try the other kinds also! And - when you are treating your body so well with exercise, it's hard to eat like crap (another benefit). My friends who have gone onto have babies say that the yoga breathing really helped them through labor too.
I appear to be slowly coming out of my funk. I have been noticing that I still have ECM - so I'm starting to stress that I pegged my O date wrong - but then I let it go. What am I going to do about it if I did? Aaron is in Las Vegas!!
Off to leave a bunch of comments.... and thanks to everyone who left me comments yesterday!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Second thing was that I confronted the owner of my yoga studio. The past few weeks, I've felt that my instructor had been 'nasty' and it kind of came to a head on Thursday morning. I was having trouble concentrating (um, EDD and I had already worked 80 hours that week!?!), and therefore trouble balancing. I was also tired. Being in 110 degree heat was making me feel a little nauseous... so I was coming out of poses and needing water.... mostly just moving around more than usual. And he snapped at me - "lay down or just stand there! You are messing us up." By 'us' he meant himself and the one other person in class. It was a 6 AM class, for christ's sake. I started crying - which no one could tell, since the sweat and the tears looked the same - but honestly. Yoga making me cry!?! WTF. I asked around and other people were feeling the same way - so I just called the owner of the studio and told her how I feel. She said she would give Dan the feedback - I just hope she doesn't use my name, and I have this backfire on me. But I guess it was stressing me out more than I knew.
I'm now in the 2WW. Aaron is gone on business for the week. I have plans to hang out with girlfriends both tonight and Weds night... which will be nice. AF is due around the 29th... so I'll probably start lupron on the 20th or so. It's getting closer! Now, if only I could here from the insurance lady to be sure we were a go for that plan.....
Sunday, June 17, 2007
This morning I woke up tired and cranky. And Aaron and I managed to fight a little over dumb stuff because he is miserable with this stupid rash that won't go away. I can't get out of this stupid funk.
Have I mentioned that I'm ovulating? And Aaron is going away for the whole week on Monday?
Augh. Stupid IF. Stupid hormones. Stupid rash. Stupid job.
I've decided to stay home all day - didn't even go for a walk or to yoga. Just sitting in my recliner, watching TV and knitting. Oh, and being cranky.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Basically, I'm under a huge amount of stress. Since I like to makes lists, here we go:
1. Work sucks. I manage a team of performance testers. No matter how hard we work and plan, we need the testing environment to be up to test. And there are 9 interdependent systems that all need to be working for that to occur. This week, I worked 90 hours trying to figure out a performance issue on the system that came down to someone switching one of our nic cards from full duplex to half.
I'm actually at the point where I want to quit. But I won't quit because of our good benefits and vacation, and the whole medical insurance with IVF. If I move within the company, I'm not sure how great that would be for my career - as I'd be leaving a position where I'm respected and manage 10 people. The other jobs that are open are for individual contributors.
2. We have just thrown down a buttload of money on getting a new driveway and garage floor. We need it, and we have the money... but stressful nonetheless.
3. This is my last cycle to get prego naturally before we do IVF. Aaron has a rash over 75% of his body. They don't know what caused it. He is on steroids right now, and I'm trying to be all 'sensitive and supporting'.... but we are approaching 'go' time. If I pressure him to have sex while he's all miserable and itchy.... how bitchy does that make me? I didn't even give him a kiss this morning because I was angry that he got a rash. I'll say it again -
I was angry because he has a rash, and it's interfering with MY plans.
4. I'm nervous about starting IVF. I guess after reading point 3, that is pretty obvious. I was reading on someone's blog (sorry I thought I saved the link but I didn't) that she had a friend ask her if she was OK with moving onto IVF. No one has ever really asked me that question... well, maybe Aaron, but not in so many words. I'm really NOT ok with moving onto IVF. I really want us to get pregnant on our own. But, I'm not willing to deal with the stress that comes with timed sex and checking for ovulation and all that crap. Well, maybe I would... if I had a guarantee that it would work within x number of months - but no one gives that guarantee, do they (although there are a few articles) ?! I know that IVF isn't guaranteed either, but my RE feels confidant that we'll have success. And as scared and unwilling as I am to go through IVF, I'm much more scared of going through life without a child in it.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
But shit happens.
I'm not sitting here crying all day. Of course I wish I was already on the other side of this battle. But - we have a 'battle plan' and a path forward. And we are in a better place financially and physically this year than we were last. I just have to keep on focusing on the good - otherwise I think I would have sunk into a deep hole of depression.
Work continues to be brutal. I just walked out last night for a 6 mile walk. I hadn't been away from my computer (except to eat, go to the bathroom and sleep) since Monday. I needed to get some fresh air. It helped. And then this morning, I went to yoga for the first time since Saturday - and I felt like crap. I'm just so tired, and my shoulders are super tight from the stress. I'm glad I went, though.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
It's weekly update day, and I have a huge update! For the past two weeks, I've been very careful about my sodium intake, and it's made a big impact:
Weight loss: 4 pounds! 14.5 pound total, 1/2 pound to go.
Walking: 7 times, 6 three mile walks, one 6 mile walk
Yoga: 2 times (stupid work)
I'm feeling great, and am really hopefully that our DIY cycle will work. No signs on the OPKs yet, though.
Monday, June 11, 2007
The bad was that I had to work almost all day on Saturday.
I'm starting the OPKs today... I'll keep you all posted. Because I know you care.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
But I'm torn. If I push, and we DO get pregnant... we have increased odds of another ectopic. Our RE has mentioned that after one ectopic, your chances of another go from 1% to 15%. What if we succeed, only to find out it's ectopic... besides the heartbreak that would cause, it would mean ANOTHER 3 months to wait before we started up again.
Aaron and I had already discussed this, as after the ectopic, we decided to try naturally for 4 months. We decided that 85% chance of success was good. But now that we know we will be doing IVF in a month (or so) is the risk worth it? On the other hand, how awesome would it be to avoid going through IVF all together?
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Um. No. He had his SA this morning.
The test that is hanging everything up. The reason I was in tears 3 days ago!? And he laughed and said it sure is interesting the way my brain works. Anyway - he just called - everything is done, and now I guess we just wait to see how everything pans out. Who knows, there may be some sort of insurance miracle, and we will be doing IVF this month.
Time for my weekly update:
Yoga: 3 times! This is pretty good, considering I was out of town for 5 days. I was brave and went to a different studio. It was fun, and felt good to be keeping up with my exercise even while traveling.
Walking: Two 3 mile 'official' walks. We did a LOT of walking on the trip - both around Northamption and around college.
Weight lost: 2 pounds! 10.5 pounds total, 4.5 pounds to go. Actually, when I went to the docs last week, turns out that my scale is only 6 pounds light, not 8 as I had thought - so technically only 2.5 pounds to go... but I'd really like to not be teetering on the edge of where I need to be. Plus - once I get to this first goal, I still have another 20 pounds I'd love to lose.
All in all, good progress. I went to the outlet malls on my mini-vacation, and bought 2 new pairs of pants which are 2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing back in Dec. I also am wearing a shirt today that I hadn't been able to button a year ago. I really feel like I'm making great progress. As the time passes from the realization that we may not be doing IVF this month, I realize that, although annoying, it makes the weight loss pressure a little less. Which is one less thing for me to worry about - and trust me - I have plenty of other worries to fill up that space.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Yesterday, I left work and went to yoga. That helped, and I felt a little bit better after yesterday's drama. When I got in the car, I had a couple of messages. One from work and the other from Aaron. He had gotten home, and the whole house was covered in vomit and poop - one of our dogs had obviously been violently ill all day. Everywhere.
While the two of us dug out from under the mountain of poop, we talked about his conversation with the nurse. She basically told him the same thing that she told me... but he was able to digest it better. Yes. The doc should have told us to get that test sooner. No, we most likely would NOT be able to be approved for this cycle. Being a few hours away from my initial shock, I started to handle this in the way I deal with issues at work. I asked Aaron if there was anything we could do about the doc not ordering the test sooner. He said no. And there is no way we can rush the insurance or the test.... so we need to acknowledge that mistakes were made and move on.
Do something about it instead of lamenting about what 'should have happened'.
So, as we finished cleaning up the mess, Aaron turned to me and said - why don't we just go out and have ice cream for dinner. And I smiled and just got into the car. It was 9 PM, I hadn't eaten since 11 AM, and I had pretty much to worst day I have had since the ectopic. A sundae for dinner sounded perfect.
The new plan (barring some miracle of insurance approval) is probably going to be that we just start this all next month. Start lupron in the middle of July, with ER end of July, early August. And pray that the first time is a charm. Last time I got pregnant was that exact same month - here's hoping!!!
Went we went to the doc last week, he gave us our whole plan (starting lupron on day 21, ER sometime week of July 9th, I thought), and said that Aaron needed to get his SA, and I needed to setup a 'pre-op' ivf appointment after I got AF. He was pretty 'breezy' about the whole thing - made no mention about the fact that I may not get approved for this month - it's been my feeling since we started on this IVF track that we wouldn't have problem getting approved, as the insurance was pretty much dictating that instead of doing more IUI's we absolutely need to move over to IVF because of the risks involved in IUI and ectopic pregnancies.
So, today I called my doc's office to set up the appointment. And asked that the nurse call me back - just to be sure I was scheduling it on the right CD (or if that even matters?) She calls me back, and says I shouldn't set up the pre IVF stuff until we get approved... and we can't get approved until Aaron's SA comes back. But when Aaron called to get an appointment for the SA, the docs office says that the earliest we can schedule is on 6/6. She transfers me to the insurance lady - who also says she can't guarantee that I will get approved in time - that it may take up to a month to get everything, and she can't even submit it until Aaron does the SA.
We have been told since the ectopic that we needed to do IVF. This was in DECEMBER OF LAST YEAR. NO ONE EVER TOLD US HE NEEDED THAT SA! Obviously, Aaron would have gone in and got the tests months ago if he needed to. I am so fed up and annoyed right now. It is sounding like we won't even get to start this cycle. It has honestly taken me a full 6 months to get ready to start all this freaking IVF crap - and now because of a damn test that no one told us about I'm going to have to wait one maybe two more months!?!!?!?!
I called Aaron in complete tears, and he is calling the nurse to try and get a better idea of it all. WTF!!!
As a watch these different combinations, I wonder what kind of mom I'm going to be? Can I even handle a baby? I think I've been waiting so long, and thinking about being a mom for so long, that it's now an abstract sort of thing. Is it better to just get thrown into motherhood and marriage headlong? Or is has my wait for motherhood gone on too long? I'm finally in that place where many want to wait to get into before having a baby (good career, student loans paid off, low debt, nice house) - would it have been better to have to have made sacrifices for the baby? Will I be able to deal with sleepless nights? Or a little person who seems to only know how to say NO? Or will I be patient enough to sit and play with my little one?
I assume that once I have my own baby in my arms, all will be fine - but this is just another doubt that starts creeping in after all the waiting. After all this waiting - will I even be a good mother?!
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Yes - it is THAT sweet. And even cuter on an actual baby head - which I had the opportunity to do several times this weekend. Turns out that pretty much every one who shows up at these events is married, successful and has kids. 2 out of three ain't bad?!
I wasn't that excited to go to school - although I did manage to see my thesis prof - which was fun. Mostly, I was there to hang out with my old 'gang'. It is great to have a group of friends that you can see every few years, and just pick up right where you left off. And, since AF showed up, I joined in on the drinking games we started playing 'for old times sake'. Ha. But, unlike college - 2 beers and I was done!
We got a letter in the mail from my insurance coordinator - saying that my insurance approval is just waiting on a new SA from Aaron. He is going in for that on Weds AM. After that gets approved, I go in for our pre-op appointment. And now that I actually have AF, I know the date that I start lupron is June 25th. Things are starting......