Thursday, January 31, 2008

I lied.

NOT starting Lupron on Thursday - my bloodwork came back yesterday. My body isn't ready for the Lupron, which makes sense to me. I usually ovulate on or around CD 18, so taking blood on CD 19 probably wasn't going to do it. I'll go back in on 2/5 and probably start lupron on the 6th.

Have I mentioned here that I was trying to eat more healthy? And also go to the gym more. I got off the work-out bandwagon once I started my last IVF cycle, and it was just so hard to start up again. I have been eating well (most of the time) but going to the gym has been hard. At most, I'm going 2 times a week. I get down on myself about it - and I just need to remember that 2 times (or even ONE) is better than nothing. But it's hard.

In other very random news, I had the most insane dream last night. When I was in college, I was on the swim team. I was a pretty good swimmer, but at times would get fed up with the coaching staff, whatever. You know how college kids are. So, in my dream last night, I went back to swim team after the summer - and the coach cut me from the team! Telling me that I hadn't kept in shape over the summer and that I had a poor attitude. All night, I would wake up and try to stop the dream, but it would just start up again when I fell asleep. In the dream, I would think how much easier my senior year would be without having to go to swim practice all the time - but then wishing I was still on the team. And would wake up hurt and anrgy about be cut. Weird, right?

Friday I'm off to my family's cabin to spend the weekend with my mom. It's her birthday, and I think it's best I get out of the house. Aaron will be starting de-construction soon on the living room. God save me.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Well! That wasn't what I expected.

I'm starting Lupron Thursday.

I expected that we would have to wait another month. Which I didn't want to do, but whatever. Waiting is what we are good at, no?

We get to the office, the doc looks at my file, and tells we what I already knew - that we were already approved for another cycle, that I'd be adding Menapor to my cocktail. I asked it they found any reason for the miscarriage in the tissue from the D&C (nope, all normal). Then, I told her my last period was on the 1/11. She looks at the calender and says - so - you want to start lupron this week? Aaron and I look at each other - yep!

I'm excited and hopeful. We also got to meet with the IVF social worker. She took an hour and a half, and really helped us talk through ours concerns and fears and hopes for this next cycle, and also things that the two of us need from each other. We try to talk to each other about that - but having a third party to facilitate was great.

That means ER and ET the last week in Feb. Woot!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Random Monday

I know that Wednesdays are set for random blog posts.... but I have a bunch of stuff to report from this weekend that I can't figure out any decent way to tie together. So - we'll go with a list.

1. The new office is done! And we moved in! We picked out a neat new rug, and moved in the desks and set everything up. It looks awesome. We even got the dogs a fancy new dog bed that they are in love with. No pictures, sorry. I think that deconstruction of the living room starts this upcoming weekend. I will thankfully be at my family's cabin spending time with my mom for her birthday.

2. I have my meeting with the doc tomorrow for my next cycle. I don't know what I feel about it yet. We are also going to meet with the social worker, which will be good for us, I think. I'll report back tomorrow.

3. I went in this morning to the orthodontist. I know, 32 years old and getting braces? Actually - it isn't for the first time. I did have them when I was a teenager, but they did the basics. My mom didn't have a lot of money, and couldn't afford to pay for them on her own, so she had to split the cost with my father. He would only pay for 'necessary' fixes. He deemed the big space between my 2 front teeth as a 'family' trait (he has a huge space too) and wouldn't pay for that to be fixed.

I hate the space. And since the space is so big, it causes a big bump in my gums - which, I admit, you wouldn't notice, but I DO. And that is what matters. I just wanted to see the cost. Well. As a grown-up, with insurance, it isn't that bad! So - in March, I'm getting braces on my top teeth. I hope it isn't too weird.

Ok - I think that's it for now. I'll let you all know how the meeting with the doc goes tomorrow.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

House News

Well - something I haven't talked about in a long time is our remodel of that 3 season porch. If you can believe it, it's almost done! We may be moving in this weekend! Aaron put in the hardwood floors over the Christmas break, and then he finished up the window frames and other finishing this past weekend... and I actually went and bought color for the walls yesterday.

It's hard to describe what we are doing, so I've done a (new) picture (for those over-observant people who noticed I didn't have doors for the dining room in the first picture. I also added the door to the outside from the kitchen!):

The 'new office' used to be the three season porch. We currently have our 'office' in the den. And the TV and where we mostly sit is in the living room. Our original plan was to move where we sit and the TV into the den - mostly because of a desire to actually get to use our fireplace. The den has nasty fake wood paneling that we were planning on ripping out and replacing with new wallboard. But, as the new office was finishing up and we started figuring out the layout of the den - we really couldn't figure out how to make it a usable room - especially with the size of TV Aaron wants to get, lol!

We made the decision to knock down that wall between the den and the living room, and make it all one nice big room. In some respects, we'll be losing the opportunity for a separate space for a 'play room' - but that space would have been the current living room - and I don't know that I would have wanted to turn that into a play room anyway.

I'm both excited and scared for this next step. Aaron assures me it won't take that long - but the new office took almost a year! I really don't want the whole downstairs of my house torn apart for months on end. We had a serious talk about it - and he promises it will be done before soccer season (he is a coach, and it's a major time suck for 6 weeks out of our lives each season - nothing else gets done during soccer season!). When it is done - it's going to look awesome.

This weekend I'll post pictures of the new room, and you can all look forward to more de-construction pictures in the weeks to come!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I didn't miss this.

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I couldn't fall asleep because I was thinking about the IVF cycle coming up. Which is annoying for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that the earliest I'm going to be starting any shots is the end of February.


I have a lot of questions that I will ask at my appointment next week - but I'm really wondering why things failed last cycle. The numbers were all doubling correctly... albeit low to start. Does that indicate anything? Or is it normal? And I'm wondering if I'm going to be one of those people who has miscarriage after miscarriage... and if I could even deal with that emotionally. Augh!

I haven't been hitting the gym as hard as I would like (2 times last week, and then credit for playing in the snow for 2 hours). I'm forcing myself to remember that 2 or three times a week is better than nothing.

But - eating better is really making me feel good. I often won't make big meals (like chili, lasagna or beef stew) because there is only 2 of us to eat it. If I do make something like that, I tend to force myself to eat it each day for lunch. By the third day, I'm forcing it down. Thinking ahead to the upcoming IVF cycle, and knowing how I won't want to cook, I've been making the larger meals and throwing the leftovers in the freezer. I realized that I wasn't doing this because it's something my mom does that used to drive me crazy (she would leave a list on the frig of all of the meals that were in the freezer. When I was a kid, I thought it was really anal. Now, I realize it's just good sense). I made my really yummy chili* Sunday night, and now there is a huge container in the freezer of it. I also made steel cut oatmeal in the crockpot on Sunday - and put it in little containers for breakfast all week. I just have to throw it in the microwave and I've got a great, healthy breakfast.

And baking my own bread - who knew how easy and fun that would be?! The recipe I'm using makes 3 loaves. We eat one pretty quickly - hot out of the oven (with lunch or dinner - whenever I finish), I leave one out for the week. I was nervous it would taste stale by the end of the week, but it doesn't. We don't really eat a lot of bread - so the loaf does last for the week, stored in a ziplock bag. And it's such a treat! I had some with lunch today, no butter needed, and it's just SO tasty. I'm impressed with myself, to tell you the truth.

* My Chili Recipe, for those interested:
1 pound of ground turkey (sometime I add this, sometimes I don't)
Fresh cilantro (I use the whole bunch you get a the grocery store - you can change this based on your love of cilantro. I LOVE it.)
1 can each black, kidney, and white kidney beans (or whatever beans you want - but 3 cans total beans)
1 24 oz can tomatoes
1 16 oz package frozen corn
1 red pepper chopped
ETA: Whoops forgot the onion! This is chopped too!
ground cumin (about a tablespoon)
chili powder (again, about a tablespoon - but Aaron doesn't like too spicy. If you like spicy, I would recommend taking out the chili powder and adding in one jalapeno pepper, chopped)
3 cloves garlic

I usually cut everything up and throw it in the crock pot on low for the whole day. I turn it on as I leave for work - so it ends up being between 9 - 10 hours. Some people would pre-cook the turkey, I don't. Also - if you were in a rush - you could easily saute the onion, garlic and red pepper and meat, then throw everything in a pot and it would be ready in about 30 minutes (you'd just need things to heat up).

Friday, January 18, 2008

More snow

Well, it's snowing again today! But, I am working. It's been a pretty laid back week after last week - so it's fine. Plus - I have Monday off! One of the awesome things about working at a bank is you get every single back holiday off. Growing up, I went to private schools - so this is a new treat for me.

I did go to my shrink on Weds. He asked why I was there, and 30 minutes later - he kind of shook his head. We talked for a bit, and he said mostly I just need someone to talk to that I'm not feeling like I'm going to give a headache (Aaron) or worry (my mother) or think I'm a basket case (my friends). I know that most of my worries are a little off (none of those people would think that I'm strange for venting to them) but I do get sick of only talking about bad stuff. It's just not the 'normal' me. Without asking, he was scheduling appointments for me through March - which I think will be great. I'll have him to talk to while I'm going through my next cycle. Which to Jo's question in my last post, no I don't have any embies on ice - I need to do a full fresh cycle. I'm going to see the doc on the 29th - I'll know more details then.

Aaron and I are having date night tonight! We have had such little time together in the past months to sit down and have a nice dinner together, that I kind of forced him into it. We are going to my favorite fancy restaurant, and I can't wait! His father is coming to visit this weekend, and I told Aaron to tell him not to come until Saturday. I love my father in law, but I want some alone time with my husband. They are planning on finishing up the new office this weekend - which is crazy exciting.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Me? Obsess? No way.

So. I got my period. And that means that I need to get it again, and then, 21 days after that, I start lupron. Get it AGAIN, and start stims. That puts my next ER and ET sometime mid-March. Due date in December. They are planning on adding menapur to my drug cocktail.... does anyone know what that does?

The good news is even I realize that 2 months is a ways off. So, I'm going to continue to eat healthy and exercise. Which, as usual, is making me feel great. I don't know why I let myself slip into eating crap and sitting on my butt - maybe because it is so easy? But I just feel so great this week, and I attribute a lot of it to getting back to being healthy. The rest is because Aaron is finally feeling better. That was taking a HUGE toll on me.

Yesterday, I ended up taking a snow day. We had a storm hit us that was much bigger than expected, and it caught me at home without my laptop. Normally, I would have just sucked it up and drove in... but I decided screw it and called my boss and declared it a snow day! I did dial into 2 meetings, but that was no big deal. Instead, I went sledding with some neighborhood kids! We had a blast! I totally forgot how much fun playing in the snow is. Then, I got home and shoveled the walks while Aaron used the snow blower. He wanted me to stop, but I was using it as my exercise for the day.

Guess I should actually get working now....

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Happy Sigh

I spent my weekend doing a few things that I have been meaning to do for a while, but haven't been able to motivate to do. I started off Friday night by leaving work and going straight to the gym. I did my jogging on the treadmill (which felt great) and then went and did my new ritual of spending more time in the hot tub/sauna/steam room/shower than I did actually working out. Nice.

I got home, and had a great dinner, and slept like champ.

Saturday, I began the HUGE task of organizing and cataloging 20 something years worth of yarn, knitting books, needles, craft tools, and fabric. It's somewhat insane how much stuff I have - but I was encouraged to find that I still like all of it - just need the time to use it! My friend Suzanne came over to help - so it was more like a fun day with a buddy rather than painful organizing.

Sunday - we finished the organizing (Suzanne slept over... grown up sleepover parties rock), and then I baked bread for the first time ever. The results?

Delicious. Recipe here for anyone who would like to try - it's really not that hard!

I did finally get my period on Friday. It was very light both Friday and Saturday, today I'm really crampy and a bit miserable. I was planning on going to the gym tonight, but instead, I'm going to allow myself to sit in front of the TV and knit for a bit. But - I'm glad my body is getting back to normal.

Friday, January 11, 2008


Yesterday was one of those annoying stressful days - the one where everything sneaks up on you? I had a few errands to run after work on my way to the gym... ended up at work later than expected, and needed to make more stops than I thought to get everything I needed. Annoying. Then, I got to the gym and realized I forgot my tee shirt! Thankfully they found an extra shirt and let me have it so I was able to meet with the trainer.

She was nice - but it's a timed session (since it's free) and we spent 30 minutes chitchatting - which I never would have done if I realized she was going to count it in my 30 minutes of time. So - I burned 60 of my 90 free minutes. I did get a good circuit of weight lifting to do - and now I'm that good kind of sore that you get after working out! I kind of like feeling that way.

Oh, and the Peapod delivery came yesterday - that is a pretty sweet way of getting groceries. Love it. And I signed up for a CSA food share at the Food Project. I feel like I have things pretty under control in the 'eating well area' now... which makes me happy. Of course, last night I asked Aaron to cook dinner, since I would be late at the gym, and he opted for Not Your Average Joe's take out. I got fish, but I was a bit annoyed that he couldn't have just cooked up the healthy stuff I had waiting. Maybe he was sick of all the whole wheat stuff and veggies I've been forcing on him. Whoops.

This weekend I'm having my buddy Suzanne visit, and she is going to help me clean up my craft room (again). Possibly maybe also my closet which is just a disaster area. But mostly we are going to hang out and talk. She always makes me feel good and is one of my oldest friends. I'm really looking forward to it!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

On a happier note...

Good things are finally happening! Aaron got to see the neurologist yesterday, and she gave him some more blood pressure medicine - but just for 15 days. She gave him some explanations for the pain is having, and lists of food and drinks to avoid. They don't think he has chronic high blood pressure, but it's a mixture of the pain and stress.

And since he's off all those ridiculous narcotics, we were able to talk last night. I got home, we cooked dinner together, and just talked about all the shit that is/has been happening... and it was like a weight was lifted. Aaron and I both acknowledge that we internalize things too much (he maybe more than I), and we'll work on it. Although for now, the focus is on getting his headache gone. It's still there, just not horrible anymore. It's so great to have my Aaron back.

In other good news, I got back to the gym yesterday. I'm back to doing the Couch to 5K podcast. The last time I stopped (right before the IVF cycle) I was on week 4 I think? I decided to start with week 1 again, and it felt great! I was nervous I was going to have shin splints or something, but it was fine. I spent maybe 25 minutes on the treadmill, and then more like an hour using the amenities - soaking in the hot tub, using the sauna, taking a nice hot shower - it felt great.

The final bit? I went to Trader Joe's yesterday and stocked up on 'good for us' food, and lots of it. My plan is to cook up a lot of brown rice and have frozen stuff available so that no matter what crap may come our way, I have good food for us to eat. I feel so much better when I eat well, but it's the first thing to go when our lives get hectic. So much easier to pick up take out than to have to hassle with grocery shopping, which I hate - and then cooking. I'm also probably going to sign up for Peapod...and in the spring do the CSA food share. That way, I can maybe avoid needing to go to the grocery store all together!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

A reason, finally

It's high blood pressure. Which is what I was thinking - but when I questioned the nurse on his reading on Friday (it was 160 over something) she said that was normal. Um, ok. Anyway - he finally got to see a neurologist today, and she figured it out, took him off the pain meds and put him on some blood pressure medicine. He looked better by the time his dad brought him home.

When he called me to tell me that the only way the neurologist could see him today was at the ER (she was on call), I was in the middle of an extremely shitty work day. If I left, things would have fallen apart worse then they already were. And I knew that we were in for a day of just sitting there. He went at 11, and didn't get seen until 5. I basically was sitting on mute on conference call crying. Definitely hit the end of my rope. I called Aaron's dad - who only lives about an hour away - and he came to my rescue. He let me have some semblance of order in my life. Aaron told me he was fine there on his won... but I would have been sitting at work worried all day that he was sitting all alone, in pain and scared in the ER. And you can tell in Aaron's face tonight that he is relieved that there is an actual reason for the headaches. But don't get me started on my opinion on how his whole case was handled! His BP was 180 over something the first time we came in, and then 160 the second time... doesn't that raise a red flag? Guess not - give him pain meds and send him home. Grrrrr.

Dealing with the high blood pressure is an issue for another day. Well, that is a lie. It's 1:40 in the morning, and I'm down here typing because I can't sleep because I'm now worried about Aaron's diet and exercise. Heavy Sigh.

The one good thing that came out of today is that after my mini-breakdown at work, my nurse called. She asked me how things were going, and I just started crying again. She got me calmed down, and then transferred me to IVF social worker. What an awesome woman. We talked for about 30 minutes. She let me cry and vent and talk... and obviously that was something I really needed to do. And she gave me the number for someone in my town for Aaron and I to see before the next cycle (and to help deal with this one). She says I haven't had time to grieve - and my first answer was - but it all happened so long ago! And she reminded me that it was less than 3 weeks ago that the shit hit the fan.

Guess time DOESN'T fly when everything is going wrong? Talking to her made me feel better, and honestly, crying felt good. I have wanted to cry this past week, but didn't want to stress Aaron out, or my mother (who is definitely going through her own stuff with her mom dying)... so I've been being 'strong'. Felt good to give that up for at least a little while, you know?

I think I'm going to go try and sleep now....

Monday, January 7, 2008

Losing it

Warning: Freaking out, end of my rope, on the brink of losing it post.

Aaron continues to have headaches. They go away, but then he claims that they come back when he gets 'excited'. Which makes Rational Cece think that it is a blood pressure issue (which then gets me nervous that it's a larger health issue) - but Irrational Cece is ready to lose her shit because now whenever her husband wants some action he gets an extreme headache.

Yesterday, I just needed to leave the house. Aaron is NOT a good sick person.... sure he is being good and laying down and resting... but it's the other things that are driving me totally freaking insane. When he gets up to go walk to the bathroom or get a drink of water - he does this unstable 'shuffle'. And if you call if on the phone, he answers in this almost inaudible, pathetic whisper 'Hello'? AUGH!!!! I wouldn't be so frustrated if it seems to me that this was all real, but sometimes he is acting totally fine, and then he is being all dramatic. He'll be talking to me like a normal person, and the phone rings. He looks at the caller id, sees that it is his mother, and answers in a breathy 'Hello?' like she just woke him up.

I just want to shake him and say GET BETTER!

I'm at the end of my rope. I had the miscarriage and the D&C, and expected to spend the week of Christmas relaxing and recovering, but the house blew up and I got that wicked cold. And then my grandmother died and my husband gets this headache. I've had no time to mourn, and my workload at home has more than doubled, because I have to figure out everything that Aaron does and then DO it (or figure out if it can wait until he is better). And work is insane all of sudden.

WTF. Honestly. I just want to run away and scream and lose it. But then I think that maybe I'm being the worst wife ever and that Aaron is really in pain and I shouldn't be thinking like this... but then I think that I have been in the same level of pain or WORSE and I got a day or two to recover. Of course, I put that on myself. Aaron may need this time. But I need a break. I want Aaron to get better and I want to hold him and love him and make him feel better - and that would make ME feel better. But right now, I can't sit and talk to him about anything real, because he is either really short with me because his heads hurts, or a total space case because he took a pill.

It's been three weeks of hell and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Here endth the rant.

Friday, January 4, 2008


My headache is over, for now. It's a 'virtual' headache. I got my blood drawn this morning, and my HCG was negative. I go in on Tuesday to talk to the doc about my next cycle - but the nurse was saying that I should get a period soon, and then with my NEXT period, we would start lupron on day 21. So - end of Feb sometime. Which I'm glad of. It was all I could do to force myself to drive the 45 minutes to the clinic this morning (it's 45 minutes AWAY from my office, so in order to get to work on time, I need to leave my house by 6). I'm just not ready to deal with that daily early wake up call and drive that I'll have to do once we start cycling again.


I didn't blog about this before, but on New Years Eve, at 3:30 in the morning (well, I guess that is New Years Day, but whatever). I took Aaron into the ER with the worst headache he'd ever had. That came onto him right after we had a quickie. At 7:30 in the evening. Nice, huh? First - the poor man really hasn't had much sex in the past 3 months, he gets a headache from it, and then I, being the loving wife that I am tell him that 'He had better not ruin my New Years Eve'. I was SO determined to have fun that night. And I just couldn't believe that his headache was THAT bad. We did have a great time. He made it to the party, toughed it out until 12:30, and then went home. When I stumbled in at 3:30 he still had the headache and was crying. I've seen him cry one other time in our relationship - and it was because I was crying.

I drove him to the ER (kind of a bonehead move on my part considering the drinking I had been doing and nursing a major guilt complex considering I forced him to suck it up earlier in the evening). They gave him morphine, did a cat scan and did a spinal tap. They were nervous about bleeding in his brain, considering how quickly the headache came on, what we were doing at the time, and how severe it was. Everything looked fine so they sent him home. He continues to have the headache until today.

Anyway - he's been on his ass for the past 3 days because he is supposed to be taking vicodin every 6 hours and it totally knocks him out. But at least his head seemed to not hurt anymore (well, until the pain meds wore off). But, at noon, he headache was back full force, and 2 pills did nothing. His doctor told him to wait until Monday to see if the headache would go away on it's own. Aaron said he can't go another 2 hours feeling this way, let alone 2 days. So back to the ER we go. They have pumped him up with more drugs, and this doc tells us that a side effect of the spinal tap is a severe headache.

Why didn't they tell us this before? So, I hope and pray that the problem is a side effect of the spinal tap, and by Monday, he'll be totally fine.

Personally, I think this is a good thing. Aaron does not know how to relax. Forget about the ridiculous amount of stress and bad things that have happening the past 2 weeks, in general, he can't just sit and watch TV or sleep in. He has to be doing work on the house. Or working. Or coaching his soccer team. I'm sure that this is not something life threatening. And it does feel good to be taking care of him for a change. And, now that he is taking percocet, he will basically be on forced rest all weekend.

After that Aaron will be better (can it just happen if I will it to? I know it doesn't work for baby making, but maybe this?) - I'm praying to anything that will listen for the rest of 2008 to be better!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I resolve

1. To stay as upbeat and positive as I had been in 2007. I know there were some negative thoughts in there, but for the most part, I was pretty happy and positive.

2. To get both Aaron and I eating more healthfully. I'm the grocery shopper and the weekday cook. Just eating better at dinner 5 days a week is a big step for us. We were doing great up until the IVF cycle. Then I was too wasted on the hormones and the stress to deal with the shopping and cooking. This time, I'll stock up in the freezer good meals in advance to help out. Eating out 3 times a week (or more!) is bad news!

3. Go to the personal trainer and get 2 two different workouts. I'm great when I'm not restricted... but the minute the doc tells me I need to do less - I just don't work out. And that isn't necessary. I can work on the treadmill and do other things - which I really want to do for this next cycle.

4. To figure out whatever it is for me that helps me relax. I think it's knitting and working out.... but since I usually do all that - and many would tell me I'm NOT relaxed.... perhaps it's more.

5. Protect myself. I will not, no matter what guilt trip I may get, put myself in a position with anyone that will make me feel bad. Be it my father, my MIL, or even a well meaning friend. If I don't feel happy or comfortable in a setting, I'm not going there.

Bring it on, 2008!