Monday, January 7, 2008

Losing it

Warning: Freaking out, end of my rope, on the brink of losing it post.

Aaron continues to have headaches. They go away, but then he claims that they come back when he gets 'excited'. Which makes Rational Cece think that it is a blood pressure issue (which then gets me nervous that it's a larger health issue) - but Irrational Cece is ready to lose her shit because now whenever her husband wants some action he gets an extreme headache.

Yesterday, I just needed to leave the house. Aaron is NOT a good sick person.... sure he is being good and laying down and resting... but it's the other things that are driving me totally freaking insane. When he gets up to go walk to the bathroom or get a drink of water - he does this unstable 'shuffle'. And if you call if on the phone, he answers in this almost inaudible, pathetic whisper 'Hello'? AUGH!!!! I wouldn't be so frustrated if it seems to me that this was all real, but sometimes he is acting totally fine, and then he is being all dramatic. He'll be talking to me like a normal person, and the phone rings. He looks at the caller id, sees that it is his mother, and answers in a breathy 'Hello?' like she just woke him up.

I just want to shake him and say GET BETTER!

I'm at the end of my rope. I had the miscarriage and the D&C, and expected to spend the week of Christmas relaxing and recovering, but the house blew up and I got that wicked cold. And then my grandmother died and my husband gets this headache. I've had no time to mourn, and my workload at home has more than doubled, because I have to figure out everything that Aaron does and then DO it (or figure out if it can wait until he is better). And work is insane all of sudden.

WTF. Honestly. I just want to run away and scream and lose it. But then I think that maybe I'm being the worst wife ever and that Aaron is really in pain and I shouldn't be thinking like this... but then I think that I have been in the same level of pain or WORSE and I got a day or two to recover. Of course, I put that on myself. Aaron may need this time. But I need a break. I want Aaron to get better and I want to hold him and love him and make him feel better - and that would make ME feel better. But right now, I can't sit and talk to him about anything real, because he is either really short with me because his heads hurts, or a total space case because he took a pill.

It's been three weeks of hell and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Here endth the rant.


Frieda said...

Deep calming breaths. Most men are the worst patients. Deep calming breaths and maybe he will get better before you lose it. I'm sending you lost of good karma to get through one more bad thing. Frieda

Tracy said...

Sorry you're having such a rough stretch, and I hope things get better SOON.

I know this won't help, but maybe it will make you laugh a bit:

serenity said...


I'm not sure what it is about men, when they get sick, they're SUCH drama queens. Mine is the same.

Hang in there hon. I'm hoping it gets easier and you get a second to yourself. Thinking of you...


Samantha said...

My husband is the total drama queen when he gets sick too! You'd think he's the only person on the planet who's ever gotten sick so bad!

I'm sorry it all seems overwhelming right now. Take the deep breaths and try to tackle things one at a time.

Baby Step said...

What a nightmare, I am so sorry. I totally understand, totally. My husband acts exactly the same way, I had to laugh when you described the staggering around...that is exactly what my husband does. I know it isn't funny, and I hope Aaron gets better soon, but I totally feel for you.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry. Things sound awful. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I doubt I can. I hope things calm down soon. Maybe a hot shower will help oh so slightly? Solace, warmth and quiet sometimes helps me.