Thursday, August 30, 2007

I did it.

I wrote my MIL an e-mail yesterday, just explaining what a frustrating summer this has been for me. With all the stupid insurance and doctor problems. And why that has limited our trips. And she called this morning, and we had a good talk. I know it's wimpy to start conversations like this over email, but that is what I did.

My FSIL is so much better at handling my MIL - she mostly just grins and bears it. So, I took a lesson from her, and just talked to her. It's funny how she has no idea that she treats us differently than others in the family. But I've kind of come to the realization that I just need to let it go. This morning, when I mentioned how much it sucks to just be always waiting? She says, even though she didn't have trouble getting pregnant, there was one time when she tried for 2 months to get pregnant, and it was like it was the end of the world for her. So she says she multiplies that, and she can totally understand how I am feeling.

Maybe she can. But I doubt it.

I grew up with such a small family. I never had to deal with drama like this. I hate it. Always needing to worry about visiting and updating everyone. The rules of what is done for birthday's and holidays. Keeping count of who visited who last and how many times someone has called someone else. Augh!

In other news, I'm starting the Couch to 5K running program with Aaron and my friend Amanda next week. I've never been a great runner - but I'm getting bored with walking. I'm loving the new spin classes at my new gym... and will be starting up with swim team again next week. So, I'm switching it up a little! Anyone else want to join me?

Monday, August 27, 2007

MILs and the weekend...

My mother in law is difficult. I know there are those of you who are lucky enough to have awesome mother in law's... but mine is a little off the wall. Used to be, she was fine on a one-on-one basis, but since Aaron and I have started TTCing (and I made the mistake of telling her we were) she has been yet another level of stress on an already stressful situation. When we first started, anytime she called, the first question she would ask is 'are you pregnant yet?'. And then when I told her we were going to an RE, she was this pool of totally wrong and annoying information. "Could it be that you are overweight", 'did you know that x did y and that got them pregnant?', 'you should wait 6 months anyway - to get in a better financial situation'. This all from a woman who had her children one right after another in her early 20's. Wendy (Aaron's sister in law) later told me that when she was pregnant, Adam got 'in trouble' for not allowing her to be a part of their pregnancy. Is she serious!?!?!


But, it was after my ectopic that it just became too much. She was all over Aaron (not me, thank god), telling him how sad it was that we lost our baby. Honestly, I didn't feel like I lost my baby. I felt like a lost my chance at a baby, but I only knew I was pregnant for 10 days... and it wouldn't have made it no matter what. She sent flowers. She wanted to know our next steps.

My next steps were making it through the next 24 hours. Being with my husband. Crying. Holing up in my house. That lasted for about 2 months (not the crying - but certainly the need to not leave). And then, when I finally ventured out? My 2 forays out into the real world? One involved a group of 20 woman in which 4 were visibly pregnant people and the other? I was accosted by a well-meaning IVF veteran telling me to 'just adopt'. So, back into my little cocoon! I spent time with my close buddies and my mother... not much else. In the meantime, Aaron's mother visited a few times - but without asking in advance - and both times I was on pre-planned trips. Not like I was intentionally avoiding her, but it did happen to work out.

The other thing with Aaron's mother is that she is brutal with her sons. Even though they are all happily married with lives of their own, she expects them to call her and pretty much tell her every little thing that is going on in their lives. Normally not a big deal, but if they don't tell? And she hears through the grapevine about something? She does this annoying thing where she calls and tries to pull it out. Doesn't directly ask about it, but gets on the phone and tries to pull it out. And since my family is nothing like this - I really can't handle talking to her on the phone, it's too much!

Now, Aaron and I are spending pretty much each weekend working on the house. And my MIL lives on Nantucket. Which, besides being insanely busy in the summer, costs at a minimum, about $250 to go to (parking, boat tickets, etc). We just don't have that kind of money to be throwing around especially when we are doing major work on our house. And - I'm usually the one to push for trips... if Aaron had his way, we would stay in our house and never leave! So - I decided that this summer, Aaron was in charge of scheduling our trip to Nantucket, and I'm not involved.

We haven't been there in almost a year now... and also... Aaron has had to tell Betsy to stop asking about what we are doing for TTC. Her solution? She never calls me (of course, I don't call her either). This weekend was my future SIL's bridal shower. I went up and spent the weekend with her, and my MIL was there too. I was nervous at first, but my MIL barely said 2 words to me directly. I want to tell her, it isn't that I don't want to share things with her. But when I do share? She makes it bad. And uncomfortable. I talk to loads of people about our IVF plans. But when I want to talk about it. Pretty much all my friend let me broach the topic first. Because there are days when I've just had one too many pregnancy encounters, and it's just to hard. Or AF has just started. All of my friends respect this - and for whatever reason, my MIL doesn't get that.

What I really wanted to do was to sit her down, and tell her about my last 10 months. About how hard it hit me. About how badly I want a baby, and what we have had to go through over the past 10 months. The crappy doctors visit. My meltdown in the Home Depot parking lot. My planning to start IVF in May. And then June. Then July (which was one of the main reasons we didn't plan any trips this summer). And then the stupid insurance cancellation. And then doing it in August, after the doc's protest letter. And then the denial. And now the New Doc, and the plans for IVF in Oct.

If the opportunity presented itself, I probably would have done it. But she barely talked to me all weekend. I go back and forth on it. I feel like I need to protect my sanity, but I'm nervous that this is going to make a rift between Aaron and his mother that will take too much to repair. I assume a baby will fix it - but who knows when that will happen!?

Friday, August 24, 2007

Rockin' and Flowing Blogger

Well, I woke up this morning, hungover and with the arrival of AF. But, I also received this in my email from my good buddy Geohld!

That is a pretty good 'consolation' prize for yet another failed (albeit DIY) cycle.

I'd like to pass it onto the following bloggers:

Serenity. What a great gal - and - I'm not too ashamed to admit -one of the group of pregnant bloggers that don't turn me absolutely green with envy. She is going to be a Rockin' Mama!

MaryEllen! My local bud who gave me great RE advice

Mamacate - and she knows exactly why she rocks.

Chris - my buddy in Unexplained IF

And last, but not least, Melanie, who I'm sure has already gotten one of these, but I just love the way she has pulled our IF blogger world together as a community.

I called into my new RE's office to declare CD 1 and schedule my sonohysterogram. That will be on Sept 4th. Any one had one of those? Can you tell me what the deal is? Do I need Aaron to come with me?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

It's Thursday

And AF is not here as of 10:51 AM.

I would like to vent a bit about the similarity of PMS and early pregnancy signs and how it's all just not fair. I went on Wikipdia, and got the following list of PMS symptoms. The one with the stars next to it? Also a early pregnancy sign:

Weight gain from premenstrual water retention
Abdominal bloating
Breast tenderness *
Stress or Anxiety
Depression (mood)
Crying spells, Mood swings, Irritability, Anger
Appetite changes and Food craving *
Trouble falling asleep
Joint or muscle pain *
Fatigue *
Swelling of Breasts *
Trouble concentrating
Social withdrawal

I think that is all bullshit. So, for those of us who are watching every little sign? Could be PMS, could be pregnancy. AUGH!

Top it all off, I went to spin class this morning. The instructor is 6 months pregnant with twins.

My clinical opinion? My sore boobs are a PMS symptom - anger isn't on the list of early pregnancy symptoms.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

My boobs hurt

My period is due on Thursday.

Of this we shall speak no more.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Taking a ride on the hope train*...


For whatever reason, I'm totally hopeful that we are going to get a BFP this month. I had one of the strongest positive OPKs that I've ever had, and we had great timing. I figured out when implantation will occur (this weekend coming up)... when I'd be due (May).

Isn't it funny how some cycles I don't even think about it, others I'm sure it's not happening, and others I'm sure it will!? I wonder what triggers those different feelings?

Anyway, haven't been on the hope train since February (I was SO SURE that I was pregnant - I was even participating in birth boards on pregnancy dot org, loser that I am). AF is due on the 23rd... so the 2WW begins.

I'm in Chicago for work - and I'm actually having a lot of fun! It's nice here in the summer. Off to meet my guys for dinner....

*this may brand me as a total dork, but I totally love the show 'So You Think You Can Dance' - and the hope train comment stems from the 'Hot Tamale Train'.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

New gym and more house holes!

Well.... what is there to say on the baby making front? Not much - although I did get a positive OPK yesterday - which is always good news. I'm off to Chicago for all of next week for work - so the timing was nice. We keep trying - we did get it to work once on our own... I sure would like to avoid IVF. Although New Doc is pretty sure that I have some sort of tubal issue, so I guess our chances aren't super high. Doesn't stop us from hoping and trying, though.

Since that news isn't really all that exciting, I thought I'd show you some stuff that Aaron did on the house this weekend! You all know how I like to show the shocking 'big hole in wall picture':

Aaron does this hard work with a nice big smile:
And this morning? A nice new wall, two new windows, and a wall air conditioner:
It's all coming together!

I also made a big decision this week - I quit my Y and the bikram yoga place, and joined the fancy 'club' in my area. I enjoy Bikram, but it's a little extreme, and a 40 minute drive from our house. And the Y, I only joined for access to the pool. This new, fancy club has yoga classes, spin classes, a nice big workout area, and my master's swim team practices there. Plus - it's only a 10 minute drive from my house. AND. The pool is in a bubble - so during the summer? It's an outside pool. I'm loving it. I was there for 2 hours both yesterday and today. I think it's a good choice.

Alright - off to enjoy the last bit of my weekend.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

My new RE?

Sorry I took so long to update you all on my second opinion! Work has been busy this week. All in all, I liked her a lot better. She didn't really tell us anything new - but for whatever reason, made me feel more comfortable. My old doc? His office was set up with his desk and computer facing the wall - so he would often have his back turned to us when we were talking to him to check his computer - New Doc? Looking at us straight in the eye the whole time. As she was paging through all my records - she was explaining what she was looking for and what it meant. Old Doc would just say that everything 'looked good'.

Edited to add: And also - I forgot to tell you all - she asked who my OB/GYN was. I don't really have one - I was going to my PA for my yearly checkups - which included Paps. She said - well, you will get pregnant! And you'll need a doc for that! There is something else my Old Doc had never even brought up. So, I'm asking the gals in my neighborhood who they use, and will set up a check up with that doc soon too.

I'm 99% sure that we will be switching to this new doc. Changing doctors will mean a pretty significant change in the travel time to appointments, so Aaron and I still need to talk about it. Aaron has already sent a fax to get his records sent over, and my mind is basically made up - but we are a team, and like to make the official decision together. It isn't like we are in a rush to decide - I need to get a sonohysterogram to check out my uterus (for insurance). That can't happen until my next cycle (which should start around August 23rd. And then they would submit for insurance in September. So - I'm thinking October or November at the earliest to get going again on all the IVF stuff.

But it seems like a fresh start, you know?

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Late Update

I just realized that with all my bitching lately, I haven't been keeping you all up to date on my 'general health' progress. I've actually just broken through a bit of a plateau. I don't know if it really counts as such, as it was self imposed. Once I hit my 'goal' and adding in the realization that IVF wasn't a near future thing, I let my guard down. I was still working out regularly (walking and yoga) but I was letting myself eat more treats than I had been in the past few months. No weight gained, but none lost either.

As of the past couple weeks, I'm back on the bandwagon. I've dropped a few more pounds, and am dangerously close to what I weighed at my wedding. I'm definitely fitting into all the cute outfits I bought for my honeymoon, which is a bonus. It's like getting a whole new wardrobe!

It's all of a sudden really summer here - hot and sticky out. It's really tempting to stay inside in front of the air conditioner. Instead, I'm still going out every day for walks, unless it raining. Last night, it was 93 degrees, and I still went for a 6 mile walk! I was pretty pound of myself, actually.