Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Fair

Hey gals - good advice on the trying not to plan. I'll give it my best shot - but I do need to give my work and Aaron some sort of outline so they know what to expect.

In other news, this weekend was the Bolton Fair. It's the next town over from us, and I entered a bunch of my knitting into the competition. Go look over at my knitting blog to see all the prizes!

When I was over knitting at my neighbors house (we get together and knit and drink every Wednesday night - it's fun!) I bought over some of the stuff I was thinking of entering, and asked if anyone was going. Tara and Colleen said they hadn't gone before and would love to - so we met up on Sunday and all went. I had thought that the husbands were going too, so brought Aaron. Well, turned out to be me, Aaron, Tara and her 9 month old son, and Colleen and her 6 month old son.


Truly, it was no big deal - because I hang out with these women often, and they are really fun. But Evan (Colleen's son) really wanted to be held, and of course, it's hard to hold a baby, push a stroller and eat fair food all at the same time - so we were passing Evan between Aaron and I all day. I love Even, so it was cool. And Aaron was really cute about the whole thing - pushing strollers and helping everyone out. I guess that since this is what I expect when I hang out with my neighbors, that I didn't even give it a second thought.

Aaron, as we were walking out, whispered in my ear - "next year, we'll have our own baby to be hauling around the fair."

I think that when guys socialize, it's rarely with a baby in the mix. So, for Aaron to spend a whole day with babies helped him realize what my crowd is like. I do still have a few non-mommy friends, but on my street? If I want to be social, almost 80% of the conversation is based around the cute things their baby did, or school bus dramas or lead paint recalls. I really enjoy hanging out! And these woman are all great - I just think that spending a day with babies at a fair had made Aaron realize why I want a baby so badly.

And why, sometimes it's hard to see babies. Everywhere. Except with me.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I made it through....

This weekend with my MIL visiting was totally fine. We share hobbies in common - so when she arrived while Aaron was coaching, we went out for lunch, and then to a few quilt stores. I even picked up a little Christmasy type project to do myself. Usually I don't do the cheesy seasonal quilt stuff - but this one is cute.

She did take me aside and do a bit of a lecture that when bad things happen to us, that we can't just hid away from family. I pretty much think that I can do whatever it is that I think will help me get through it! And of course, the whole time she was here, she was gushing over how cute Aaron's older brother's children are, and what dress my niece is wearing to the family wedding... blah blah blah. She has no clue that what she is saying is exactly why I'm avoiding her, but whatever. I don't have the energy to educate her, and it isn't like she lives right next door.

We had to push the IVF class off another week. Aaron's new boss is coming into town for ONLY this Thursday - so he has meetings with her all day. I, of course, have a meeting with a big-wig in my firm for lunch the next Thursday.... and they don't have the class on the holiday week, and we have to do the class before we start everything (which will be Oct 12th). So - I'm just going to suck it up and miss my facetime with the bigwig. What is more important, really? I can't believe this is all happening, FINALLY!

I did do the math, and looks like my ER may be the exact weekend I'm planning on going away (but I'm sure they try to time things so it's not over a weekend), and I'll be having my beta right before Thanksgiving (which we are spending at my MILs). So - everyone will pretty much know right away if it worked or not - because Thanksgiving is a huge drinking holiday in our family! No hiding until the 2nd trimester for me!

Wow - that was a pretty optimistic thing to say.... let's hope this optimism stays with me....

Friday, September 21, 2007

You gals....

Are just so sweet. I loved all the comments on my book tour questions and the birthday wishes! It really was a wonderful birthday - a bit more low key than I'm used to, but it's what I wanted this year.

I really just shot those answers off quickly as I was on my way to my massage - and I re-read them after I got all the positive comments. I think it's pretty interesting to me how optimistic I still am. Maybe it's because my diagnosis is unexplained infertility? I know that I have an 80% chance of getting pregnant on my own within 4 years... and hey - I've been trying for almost 3! My turn has to be soon, doesn't it??!??!?!

This weekend my mother in law is visiting - just for a quick overnight. Aaron is actually pretty excited about it - it's her first visit I think since we moved in (over 2 years ago) that didn't include another reason for her to be there (a wedding, Aaron's brother was here with his babies, or a birthday party for her brother in law that also lives in our town). He acts all tough about it - but the fact that his relationship with her is so much harder than with his father is hard on him. He, of course, is coaching a soccer game when she is slated to arrive, so I'll be entertaining her on my own for a few hours. I should make it.

Worry if there isn't a post by Tuesday.

; )

In IVF news, AF is due today. She isn't here yet, but I feel the warning signs (all nice and bloated, zits, all that fun stuff). I called and got Aaron and I into our IVF 'class' (whatever that means? Mary Ellen? What is it?). That will be on Thursday morning next week from 8 AM - 11 Am! Geez. I'm bringing my knitting.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Barren Book Tour and it's my birthday!

This time around - I took part in the Barren Book Tour. We read Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman. I started reading this book without having any idea what it was about - and was kind of blown away at first. Emilia has a stepson, and just lost her daughter to SIDS. I was often conflicted while reading the book that she should be happy for what she has (a stepson!) but not being able to understand how she even got out of bed in the morning. The loss of a 3 month old baby? I can't even comprehend.

Here are the questions I chose to answer:

- Emilia has a difficult time relating to other women who have had losses in pregnancy, usually because she sees her situation as different and worse than those women who have had miscarriages. She is particularly hard on her friend Mindy. Do you feel like this attitude was justified on her part? Are mothers of SIDs victims much different and worse off than mothers of miscarriages? Or can we all belong to the same support group?

I totally agree with Emilia, but on the other end of the spectrum. I feel that I have had to deal with NOTHING (infertility and an ectopic pregnancy) compared to those who have had a miscarriage or SIDS. I really don't don't have any idea how I would carry on if my baby died of SIDS. I actually know someone who just recently lost their 3 month old son to SIDS, and I have watched how they are dealing with it - and it tears me apart.

- We all have had someone in our lives like William who innocently says the wrong thing more often then we would like. How has your infertility experience helped you respond better to those "innocent yet wrong" comments/questions?

I put on a smile, and joke about it. Until I started dealing with infertility myself, the fact that not everyone can have babies at the drop of a hat would never have even crossed my mind. And it's not like a broken leg or another obvious aliment that people automatically know that you are having trouble with. I'm not trying to educate the rest of the world about infertility - it's something that Aaron and I deal with together. I know there are bloggers that are all about educating people about what we are going through - honestly, I only have enough energy to deal with it myself - no matter teaching everyone else about it!

- Emilia tries to get the restaurant to begin carrying a pink cupcake for William, admitting, "He will be overcome by the bliss of a strawberry cupcake and he will forget the rage in his mother's face when she looked at me. I wish there was a cupcake that delicious. What will it take for me to forget, I wonder?" Is that level of distraction only capable by children? What do you use to distract yourself when you're trying to forget something painful?

I am always thinking of all the things in my life that are totally wonderful. I have a great husband, a wonderful family that loves me, a great group of friends, a good house in a welcoming neighborhood. I am healthily, generally happy, and loved. Although I go through major frustrations with all this waiting with the IVF crap- in the end? I'm happy. Having a baby isn't what I'm waiting for to make my life whole. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Aaron and I will have a baby together. It's just a matter of when.

Hey - today is my birthday! I'm taking the day off of work, meeting a girlfriend for lunch and Aaron is sending me for a hot rock massage. Not too shabby.

Friday, September 14, 2007


I got a call from my insurance coordinator this morning!


For 2 cycles of IVF, to be completed by March 2008.

I'm a little bit excited, if you can't tell. AF is due on the 21st... so I wonder when I'll really be starting? Off to call my nurse..

ETA: Ok. Just got off the phone with the nurse. My protocal is to start a low dose of Lupron on CD 21. So, look like things will get started mid-Oct with a ER and transfer in early Nov! omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Fireplace Excitement

I know I have been sharing pictures of the work that Aaron and his father have been doing on the house... but I don't think I've really explained the end goal. We currently are using the 'den' as our office. Aaron works from home 2 days a week, and I work from home once a week - so we really need a good place to work. But, this room is also the only room in the house with a fireplace. Directly adjacent to our current office is the room we are re-doing... turning a 3 season porch into a 'real' room. This new 'real' room will be the office, and the old office will now be a den/family room.

The den isn't a big room, but my initial excitement with this remodeling project comes from the fact I was envisioning myself sitting on a cold, wintery day and enjoying the crackle of a fire. But this fireplace was a hotly debated issue, as when we bought the house, we were told that we needed a new liner in the chimney. Since we never really tried to light a fire (hot rooms + several high end computers = big techie geek no-no), we didn't ever explore that option. But, now that the new office room is getting dangerously close to completion - I brought it up again. The initial quote from the guys was $2500 to fix it. We have spent so much on the room already, and still need to get new furniture, I had pretty much resolved myself to not having the fireplace this winter.

This morning, we had the fireplace guy come in and take a look.... and guess what! It's not as big a deal as we thought! We can have a working fireplace for a fraction of what we thought. I'm ridiculously excited about it.

In cycling news, my Managed Care lady called me this morning - she has submitted my paperwork! She talked to the guy that will be reviewing my case, and he is going to put a 'rush' on it. omg omg omg omg omg omg.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Decision to not obsess

Due to certain signs that we all know so well, I'm pretty sure I'm either ovulating or damn close. The part that we can control? Taken care of for this month. Will my ovaries and tubes cooperate? That is yet to be seen. Based on historical evidence, I'm going to guess it's a no, but as usual, hope is in the house... so for the next 2 weeks I'll be obsessively checking for signs.

Ever since New Doc mentioned that she was having the insurance coordinator submit for this month...I've started to somewhat stalk her. I called once, and listened to her message which indicated she was on vacation until Sept 10th. It said if it was an urgent IVF matter, I could call her colleague. I huge up, thinking to myself that it wasn't really 'urgent'. A few days past. I now had managed to convince myself that it is urgent, as the last time I has talk to her, she still didn't have Aaron's SA in my file. I should just call her colleague to see if they got that.

So I called. And she was really nice, but wasn't familiar with my case (what the heck did I expect!?!?!?). But looked into things, and gave me a new fax number I could have them resend the SA info to - just in case. Which I did. And then I was tempted to call to see if she got it. Which I thankfully didn't.

This morning, I picked up the phone to call my 'real' insurance coordinator (you know, since it's her first day back into the office, and I'm sure she won't be too busy, asshole that I am). I left her a voicemail telling her that I was trying not to be a stalker - but I wanted to double check that she had everything she needed to submit for IVF.

After I got off the phone, I realized that I'm being a bit of a freak, and am now making the conscious decision that I can't keep obsessing about this stuff! I was at peace only a week ago to wait until Dec for IVF. And now that I have this little sliver of hope that is will be sooner, I start twisting myself up in knots waiting to hear if it will be?

Must. Stop. Obsessing.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Fancy Gym

I know I've talked about it a little bit, but I've joined a 'fancy gym'. One with 2 pools, tennis courts, and 3 workout studios. I've only belonged to a fancy gym once before - and I can tell you the big difference is in the spin classes, the locker rooms, and the clientele. I'm a fan of spin classes - I like the loud pounding music and getting to do group exercise on a bike. In the cheap gyms - the spin rooms are usually tiny tiny and the bikes are rickety. At my new fancy gym?! Huge room with 30 brand new bikes. And the locker rooms in the cheap gyms are very basic... usually clean, but basic. In my new gym - they supply shower soap and hair products, and even have hairdryers. It's pretty sweet.

But my favorite part is the crazy rich people at my new gym. At 'normal' gyms, you do get a mix of people, but in general, they are middle class - wearing normal workout clothes, just there to do their thing. At my new 'fancy' gym? At the last few classes I have taken - there have been some pretty funny 'crazy rich lady sightings'. I totally wish I had my cell phone camera with me to get you gals pictures! (Although don't know how I would pull that off - try to take pictures with out them noticing?) Anyway - Saturday morning I went to spin class at 8 AM - and it was cold out. Two women came into class wearing, I shit you not, cashmere cardigans. They wore them throughout class... sweating in them like you and I would sweat in a sweatshirt. And this morning? A woman came in (for the 5:45 AM class, when it was still dark outside, into a dark workout room) wearing her super fancy sunglasses. She didn't remove them for the whole class.

I'm totally loving my new high class workouts...and my high class entertainment.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Good mood

I have to admit - I was totally resigned to not doing IVF until December. What with all the crappy insurance stuff and my feelings about the Old Doc still lingering, I just wasn't optimistic. For whatever reason, now I am.

Want a little peak into my IVF daydreaming? Here is how I think it'll play out. Right now I'm on CD 14. I think the doc was telling me that I would do lupron on CD 21... but even if I didn't, I think I would still have to wait to start everything until next cycle. Best case, I think the insurance will take 2 weeks to come back with an answer, and let's assume they don't submit until the 10th. So - an answer by the 24th. AF is due on the 28th. If she doesn't have me do Lupron.... I guess I could be doing the retrieval in the middle of October! Lupron (if I'm doing it?) to start on the 18thish.... and then next AF due on the 25th. Retrieval on Nov 8th?

For someone who has basically been waiting since April to get started on all this IVF crap - only a month until we do it seems impossibly close.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

My Perfect Uterus

I had my hysteroscopy today. It wasn't very painful at all! I was pleasantly surprised. And New Doc and the nurse were funny -saying I had a perfect uterus. Even gave me a print out! Wanna see?

The nurse said that is was so perfect, it was vain, and didn't want to get all ugly by getting pregnant. She made me laugh with that one.

The other surprise? New Doc is submitting for insurance this month! I should find out in a few weeks if we are on for an October cycle.