Thursday, April 26, 2007


I was going to write this whole big long post about how there is just no way on God's Green Earth that I could ever follow the assvice to 'just relax'.

It isn't in my nature.

But I have a really bad head cold, and I just can't concentrate. And I can't bring myself to take decongestants as I think I ovulated yesterday, and we had pretty much prefect timing, and I don't want to mess anything up for this month.

Fuck you, infertility.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


So - even though I'm trying to pretend like we aren't TTCing until the IVF stuff (as I've stopped charting, didn't use OPKs, stopped going to acupuncture, stopped taking herbal remedies, and actually let my VIP membership to Fertility Friend expire) - Aaron and I have pretty much covered all of our bases for this month. I'm on CD 17... so... I'm assuming the 2ww has begun. The good thing about not charting is that it'll be harder (but not impossible, trust me) to obsess.


In my 'goal' news for this week, here is the report:
Walking: 3 days at 3 miles a shot
Swimming: Pool was closed this past week
Yoga: 5 times
Weight lost: 2.5

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The Goal.

Obviously, it's to get pregnant.

But as I've found out, I don't really have any control over that.

So - between now and ER date (which should be in the middle of July) I want to lose 15 pounds. That is about 3 months from now.... and it should be doable. Especially for someone like me, who easily has 50 pounds to lose.

I've often stressed myself out by doing such dumb things as googling 'High BMI and IVF success', or 'Impact of High BMI on Fertility' (don't do it, trust me). From everything that my doctor has said, my weight isn't the issue. I don't have PCOS and my blood work always comes back 'normal'. My blood pressure is low. Even with that knowledge, I always have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that it is my weight. But, as with most overweight people, it's a pretty big struggle to do anything about it. Last year, I gave myself a kick in the pants, and lost 25 pounds. But I stalled at that point.

Today, I'm declaring that I'm doing something about it. I'm already going to Bikram Yoga 4 times a week. I'm going to start closely following Weight Watchers, and add in either walking or swimming each day. And I'm going to report my progress here every Weds. I'm not going to post my actual weight - but I'll say how many days of yoga, how many days of walking/swimming, and pounds lost. I'll even start tomorrow, even though I didn't make this pledge to myself until Saturday.

Good times, good times.

Friday, April 20, 2007


My husband and I used to have motorcycles. We had always agreed that when I got pregnant, we would get rid of them. In September of last year, I got a BFP, and we sold mine right away (because yes, it was that awesome. The minute Aaron listed it - someone bought it). Aaron's didn't sell right away... and when we found the ectopic, I was hesitant to go though with it. Sure, we needed to money for other things. And yes - I'm hoping to get pregnant soon.

But selling that motorcycle made me feel 2 things.

First - I felt a pressure to get pregnant before the next motorcycle season arrived. Even though we had talked about it, and we were both ready to give up this hobby - I just felt like it me being pregnant was the only reason that we would get rid of them. I was nervous that he would be pissed off if the spring came and he saw all those motorcycles out there - and we sold his without a true reason. (This was another crazy Cece thought. We talked about it, and even though still no baby, our motorcycle riding days are over for now.).

Second - it's interesting to look back and see all of the decisions that we have made as a couple with the expectation that we would have a baby. The day we sold Aaron's motorcycle, his best friend called me all pissed off. He said that we were being ridiculous. That a baby shouldn't be your life, it should just be a part of your life. To some extent, I agree with that. But the motorcycles were just an obvious choice. The risk of death (or very serious injury) is very high when riding a motorcycle. And, with a baby comes changes in priorities. It's so interesting to me to look at the large life changing decisions that we have made without really saying out loud that it was because we were ready to add a baby into our lives. We got married when we were ready to start TTCing. We bought our house in a neighborhood that has a bunch of young families. The size of our house was built around the understanding that we wanted 2 children. We've even pushed off buying a new car because we know that we need a car with a 'way back' to accommodate both the dogs and the baby. I've stayed at a pretty stressful job because they have a great maternity policy here.

When I have my random freak-outs in which I wonder if I'm truly ready for a baby - all I need to do is to look at all of the changes that have happened over the past 3 years to get to where we are now. I am more ready than I ever thought I was.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


I got the following email from my father the other day:

We are planning our vacation and would like to include you. We can be in your area July 6-7-8, whichever day is best for you. Let us know so that we can plan.

When I read this, I had the same sinking feeling that I get whenever I find that my father is visiting. My father and I do not share the same outlook on life, is the best way to put it. We don't agree on politics, religion, treatment of other human beings, management styles.... you name it, we don't agree on it. My parents were separated when I was very young - so I spent most of my 'growing up time' with my mother, and it shows. When he visits, he basically sits down in front of my TV (and mutes all the
commercials! Can I tell you how annoying that is!?!?) and asks when the next meal will be served. He is 75 diabetic, overweight, is hard of hearing and can barely walk.

But, when he visits, Aaron and I put on our 'happy faces' and make it through. Because that is the kind of person I am. Many people, after hearing stories of some of the things my father has done to me (or others), have asked why I even bother trying to maintain a relationship with him. Although at times I wonder that myself - I don't have the energy to deal with it currently.

Then it hit me. This visit is going to fall right in the timeframe when I'll be doing the shots for IVF. Shit.

Still, I write back:

Hi Dad - What is your plan when you visit? Just staying over in the evening as you drive by? Those dates sound good to me - but let me double check with Aaron. I know there is a wedding shower for Aaron's brother's fiance somewhere in that month... but we'll make it work.

To which he promptly replies:

Actually, we have never been guilty of visiting you on a "drive-by basis. We limit the time we spend with you because of your busy schedules. Our trips to New England have always been to see you. We sometimes try to tie some other purpose with the trip, hopefully a purpose that is tax deductible.At any rate; we will be able to give you a date soon. It will be a week-end of course, probably part of the 6-7-8 of July.

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh! The King of Guilt strikes! At this point, I'm completely annoyed. He has told me in the past that he was planning on a NE road trip to visit my stepmother's family, and then, when driving from CT to a vacation on PE Island, would stop by our house! And - honestly - I was all excited that maybe he would just be coming for a day... that would make things so much more bearable. So - I then wrote back:

I wasn't implying that you ever do a 'drive by'. You message said 'We can be in your area July 6-7-8, whichever day is best for you' - and I took that to mean that you would be here for the day.
That whole weekend is free for us.... so - whatever you decide, we'll be here.

I have no idea the impact that whatever protocol my doc put me on will have on my emotions - but I do know that Clomid kicked my ass. I was crying daily. Assuming things stay 'normal' for me in the next few months, I'll be starting BCPs around the middle of June - so we can hope and pray that I'm not a freaking hormonal basketcase when my father is visiting. Because maybe this is the day I take him up on his numerous threats to 'disown' me.* And, I always dread his visits. Which gets me all keyed up about everything before the man even arrives. *sigh*

*The threat which just makes me laugh, as the man is in debt to his eyeballs. It isn't like he's sitting on millions for me to inherit. I'll probably be paying for his burial.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Hope Hurts

So, I was sitting at work, and one of buddies walks by and asks if I want to go out for lunch. I pause, as I have serious weight to lose in the next few months, and going out to eat is hard. Then he mentions that his wife and 6 month old daughter will be joining us. And I think - Oh! Baby! But in the end, turn him down in favor of my 'oh so yummy' Lean Pocket freezer lunch.

But it made me think... in general, I classify myself as a pretty happy, upbeat, optimistic person. I approached motherhood and the process of TTC with excitement. When things didn't go as planned, and we needed to start going to doctors, I would calculate out 9 months from the IUI and think cheerfully about what season the would be, and what handknitted items my little babe would wear. I even started knitting many cute little baby things to have ready. At this point, I would happily talk to anyone about baby-making - I would consider their advice (eating pineapple in the 2WW, charting my temps, going to hypnotherapy and acupuncture). I knew that we were having some more trouble conceiving than most, but it didn't worry me.

Then we had the ectopic. I will freely admit, I went a bit crazy at this point. At first, just the blow from being SO happy to being SO sad was more than I had ever experienced before (and trust me, my life hasn't been all peaches and cream). And then, thanks to lingering HCG levels, I bet - I went totally insane. I thought if only the bathroom that the baby would be using (you know, like 2 years or more from when it was born) would be 'redone' I'd get pregnant again (and proceeded to rip all of the wallpaper off the walls). I become convinced that Aaron was regretting ever marrying me, because I couldn't make babies. Or if I DID actually make one - it was in the exact wrong place. And I proceeded to have a complete meltdown in a Home Depot parking lot (where we had gone to get supplies to fix up the bathroom I had ruined)... and all I have to say is thank god for Aaron. The look of total love and concern in his face made me realize that we were in this together, and for the long haul (as sucky as that haul may be).

Am I a bitter infertile? I don't like to think so - as I hate to even classify myself as 'infertile'. Bitter - possibly. As a matter of fact, I think those people on the pregnancy and infertility boards can take there 'baby dust' and shove it.

I think my friend Cate described it best - I'm at the point where hope hurts.

I want to allow myself in the 2 ww to get excited about the possibility of a BFP. I want to look for 'symptoms' and carefully watch my temps and line up the HPTs to test on 10 DPO. But after 24 months of failure, I have trouble rallying the excitement. I want to knit some more baby items, but into my mind there is the little nagging thought - what will I do with this stuff if we never get pregnant?

I want to get excited for this new IVF adventure. But I'm scared also. I'm nervous I won't be able to lose the weight and the doc will cancel everything. I read all of the stories of the people with unexplained infertilty that nothing works for (and manage to push out the stories of those that get pregnant with twins on their first round). Aaron and I have decided to not share this journey with any family - because his mother is BRUTAL about needing to know everything that is going on with EVERYTHING, and honestly, I can't take it. I'll talk about it when I want to talk about it (which is often), but there are times when I just can't.

And there are times when I just can't go to lunch with a friend and his beautiful 6 month old baby. Because hope hurts.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Here we go.....

So. I have told so many people about my fertility frustrations, and I now have so many people routing for us to get pregnant - I decided that I should blog about it! I already blog about my knitting obsession, figured this would be a good outlet for my 'baby making' obsession.

First - let me explain the title of the blog. I've always just assumed that I would have NO problem making babies. My mom had 2 children, my father had 6 (!). And, as one college boyfriend described me, I have child bearing hips. Most would take offense - but seriously - I come from what some describe as 'peasant stock'! And when people asked me what I wanted to do when I 'grew up' - the answer I would give would be 'business women', but in my head, I would always think 'Mom'.

Let me get everyone caught up on where Aaron and I have been so far in our baby making journey. As with everyone else, I just assumed that when we went off birth control, we'd get pregnant right away. Aaron and I got married in 2004, and wanted to wait a year until we started trying. At that point, I was 29 and Aaron was 31. Plenty of time for babies! It took some convincing, but we went off the pill (after being on it since I was 16) in April 2005. As the first few months passed I figured that the pill was just getting out of my system. After the first 6 months, I then was blaming my weight (I am about 50 pounds overweight). I went to my doctor after trying for a full year on our own, and it was determined that all of my hormone levels were fine, Aaron was fine, and that our infertility was unexplained.

I was both relieved and annoyed. I ovulate. Aaron has more than enough swimmers. Shouldn't this all just work!?! But, with the doctors advice, we moved onto Clomid with IUIs. We did 3 cycles like that in June, July and August of 2006 - all without getting pregnant. In September, we had decided to pull out the big guns and move onto injectables. I just needed to wait for my next period.

Which didn't come. I was PREGNANT! For 10 days, I was blissfully excited. We went in for the 6 week u/s, and discovered that it was ectopic. What a crushing blow. They gave me methotrexate, which is a drug that helps dissolve the pregnancy (and hopefully avoids have the ectopic rupture a tube), and thankfully, for me, it worked. But, it meant much emotional stress and 3 months off of TTC. At a followup visit with Dr. N, he said that we should move straight to IVF. Insurance wouldn't cover IUIs for me after the ectopic, and we now had a 15% chance for an ectopic with any future natural pregnancy.

It took some time for both Aaron and I to come to terms with moving to IVF. We really didn't think we would need to come this far - and it still amazes me that I am having this much trouble getting pregnant. But - at this point, after two years of monthly disappointments.... I'm willing to go through it. We met with the RE today, and we are working towards a July ER and transfer date. We pushed it off for a few reasons - we still need to get insurance approved (and we have been told that takes about a month), I need to get some bloodwork processed, and the doctor would like me to lose some more weight (I've already lost 20 pounds since last year this time).

I think this blog will be a great outlet for me to vent about both losing weight and going through my fertility process!