Friday, June 15, 2007

I lied.

I didn't really handle yesterday that well. I didn't even bring it up to Aaron. But I just started crying at yoga. Good thing I do Bikram yoga - you can't really differentiate between the tears and the sweat.

Basically, I'm under a huge amount of stress. Since I like to makes lists, here we go:

1. Work sucks. I manage a team of performance testers. No matter how hard we work and plan, we need the testing environment to be up to test. And there are 9 interdependent systems that all need to be working for that to occur. This week, I worked 90 hours trying to figure out a performance issue on the system that came down to someone switching one of our nic cards from full duplex to half.

I'm actually at the point where I want to quit. But I won't quit because of our good benefits and vacation, and the whole medical insurance with IVF. If I move within the company, I'm not sure how great that would be for my career - as I'd be leaving a position where I'm respected and manage 10 people. The other jobs that are open are for individual contributors.

2. We have just thrown down a buttload of money on getting a new driveway and garage floor. We need it, and we have the money... but stressful nonetheless.

3. This is my last cycle to get prego naturally before we do IVF. Aaron has a rash over 75% of his body. They don't know what caused it. He is on steroids right now, and I'm trying to be all 'sensitive and supporting'.... but we are approaching 'go' time. If I pressure him to have sex while he's all miserable and itchy.... how bitchy does that make me? I didn't even give him a kiss this morning because I was angry that he got a rash. I'll say it again -

I was angry because he has a rash, and it's interfering with MY plans.

Nice wife.

4. I'm nervous about starting IVF. I guess after reading point 3, that is pretty obvious. I was reading on someone's blog (sorry I thought I saved the link but I didn't) that she had a friend ask her if she was OK with moving onto IVF. No one has ever really asked me that question... well, maybe Aaron, but not in so many words. I'm really NOT ok with moving onto IVF. I really want us to get pregnant on our own. But, I'm not willing to deal with the stress that comes with timed sex and checking for ovulation and all that crap. Well, maybe I would... if I had a guarantee that it would work within x number of months - but no one gives that guarantee, do they (although there are a few articles) ?! I know that IVF isn't guaranteed either, but my RE feels confidant that we'll have success. And as scared and unwilling as I am to go through IVF, I'm much more scared of going through life without a child in it.


Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry that you are stressed. It sounds like you have a lot of good reasons to be. Hang in there.

Serenity said...

Oh hon. :(

Sounds like a drink with the girls from the BBISP is in order tomorrow night...


Samantha said...

I wish that there could be some guarantees in all of this. I think about that almost every day!

I guess we're all guaranteed to be stressed, right?

Christy said...

I'm sorry you are in such a stressful place right now, it certainly does stink. However, I'm glad you have a place to vent. Keep up your exercise, take some "me time" this weekend and try to squeese in a lavendar bubble bath. I hope you feel better soon.

Nearlydawn said...

I sure hope you are able to have some "me time" this weekend and get some of the frustration worked out.

A lavender bath sounds fab - go for it!

Geohde said...

Timed sex, cycle after failed cycle is damn stressful alright! I hear you on that one, chapter and verse.

Hang in there.

Ann said...

Yes, I, too, know what it's like to force the hubby to have sex when he's not feeling up to it. Or worse, when he's afraid of hurting me: I had hemorrhoids a few weeks ago, but I insisted that we have sex so we wouldn't miss a potential ovulation window. He was so nervous about hurting me that he couldn't perform. Poor guy.