Yesterday was my 37th birthday. I'm not one to get all upset about getting older - as my father used to say, that's the goal, right?
For the past few years I've been too wrapped up in babies or toddlers or money has been to tight to really do much for my birthday. I used to throw big parties for myself, or at least get myself nice presents (I figure, why leave the present buying to other people? I know what I really want!). But this year, was different. We've got our finances a bit more under control, and I'm feeling a bit burned out lately. So I decided to take the day off work and schedule myself for a spa day.
Cam came into my room around 7 AM saying 'Happy Birthday, Mama!' and both kids proceeded to be super cute and helpful all morning. We got dressed, and I asked Maggie what we should do for my birthday, and she said "Eat cake and wear party hats!" And Cam said 'Open presents!' I explained that we would do that after dinner, but appeased them both with a trip to the donut store. Everyone got TWO donuts and then I happily left them at daycare.
I drove to my spa day, which consisted of 45 minutes reading in the jacuzzi/sauna, followed by facial, body scrub and a massage (4 hours of heaven). I left there feeling wonderful. I then went and got my favorite fast food (bean burrito from taco bell) and got the kids presents for my birthday. Which I know doesn't make any sense, but we call them unbirthday presents, and it gave us a lot of time to sit and have grown up appetizers at dinner time. Maggie got horse figurines and Cam got a super hero activity book.
Then, off to the mall for some clothes shopping (I'm very close to having a fall/winter wardrobe again - in a size smaller than I was last year, woot woot!). Got home just in time to meet my mom who came to have dinner with us and we got the kids from daycare. They are always SO excited to see her that it warms my heart. We got home, and then Aaron proceeded to cook me the most amazing dinner ever.
And now I'm back at work, back to the real world. Heavy sigh.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Friday Night Leftovers
- Last night a friend had us all over for dinner - an early birthday dinner. We get together often, and our kids are in a groove now where they hang out and play nicely. It was awesome. I didn't have to cook, the kids were happy, and we had nice grown up converstation.
- And this morning! While I was showering, the kids played so well - building a time machine together with blocks. The cuteness kills me.
- This morning I did a bit of freezer cooking. The website I love, onceamonthmom.com changed some of their content to be subscription access. I still think it's totally worth it. I think it's $72 a year ($63 if you join by the end of September). I made 10 dinners for $90 at the grocery store and it took me two hours in the kitchen. You really can't beat that.
- While cooking, I realized I haven't been in my vegtable drawers in my frig for a while. Yuck yuck yuck.
- This weekend we have fun stuff planned - a local fall festival, friends visiting, and a CSA potluck.
- I'm busy making Amazon wish lists and purging toys in preparation for the kids birthdays. I know it's 2 months away, but if I don't get it out there now, people tend to get the strangest things.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Lost my crafting mojo
I'm crafty. Always have been. Before the kids came, I would hammer out knitted items weekly. I knit all my own socks. I knit a huge amount of baby sweaters. I have made every quilt on every bed in my house and my mother's. I make fun little crafty things like hair bows and freezer paper tee-shirts.
But lately? I do nothing. I sit in my chair after I the kids to bed and I just veg out. I don't knit. I don't go upstairs and sew. I just sit.
And that's weird. I can't figure out what the issue is... but just not into it anymore. When I do knit - I make stupid mistakes - misreading the pattern or casting on wrong. It's frustrating. Because being crafty is one of the ways I define myself. I was searching through ravelry trying to find a fun little sweater to knit to kick start me, and it isn't working.
Sigh. Hoping this passes soon.
But lately? I do nothing. I sit in my chair after I the kids to bed and I just veg out. I don't knit. I don't go upstairs and sew. I just sit.
And that's weird. I can't figure out what the issue is... but just not into it anymore. When I do knit - I make stupid mistakes - misreading the pattern or casting on wrong. It's frustrating. Because being crafty is one of the ways I define myself. I was searching through ravelry trying to find a fun little sweater to knit to kick start me, and it isn't working.
Sigh. Hoping this passes soon.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Stuck
I grew up in a small family. Not small in that I didn't have a bunch of aunts and uncles and cousins. Small in the fact that we rarely, if ever got together with them. My maternal grandfather died when I was only 6. My father's parents died when he was young, and the rest of my father's family all lived far away. My mother and her family had a bit of a falling out when I was a child, so we rarely got together. Thanksgiving was always small. And I certainly didn't have close relationships with my relatives.
When I met Aaron's family - what a difference! The first Thanksgiving we had together, I think there were something like 28 people there. All close relatives. I was totally overwhelmed, but I thought wow! This is neat!
As time moved on, I've learned all the ins and outs of the family, and although they do a better job than my family in keeping in touch, I've learned that they aren't as close as they appeared that first thanksgiving. They do get together and have fun at gatherings, but it isn't this close knit group.
In 2009, there was a tough patch that Aaron and his brother's were going through related to Aaron's father. If anyone remembers, my FiL had a stroke before Cam was born. Aaron's brother, a normally abrasive guy, became more so as he navigated being my FiL's power of attorney. Which is understandable. And what's also understandable, in my mind, that he and Aaron butted heads over more than a few things during this time. They yelled at each other. Eventually, they needed to meet in person, and Aaron stated that he would prefer to not meet in our home, because he knew the conversation may become heated, and he wanted to be able to walk away if he needed.
In the middle of all this, Nora died. Aaron's mother asked if there was anything she should do, I remember stating, I know it would mean a lot to Aaron if you could get his older brother to come to the service. She assured me she would do that.
He didn't show up. He claimed that Aaron told him he wasn't welcome in our home. Which was not the case. And I have trouble with the idea that if you yell at a brother, you can't be forgiven (and I know that Aaron did apologize for yelling). Isn't that what family is for, sometimes!? To let it out?! And what is more frustrating that dealing with your 60 year old father's estate?
As the days, weeks and months moved on, we didn't get a lot of support from Aaron's family. The death of our child was treated as though it never happened. Most people came and gave us hugs at the service. After the service, there were only 2 people in that family that kept checking in on us. Making sure we were OK. And Aaron's older brother? To this day hasn't spoken to us or met Maggie.
In two weeks, Aaron's cousin is getting married 2 hours from where we live. We decided that if his big brother chose to attend the wedding, we wouldn't go. Still, to this day, when I think of Adam, it feels like kick in the gut. That a brother was willing to act in the manner, and show no love to a sibling in one of the worst days of his life, it's still shocking to me. It hurts me. And seeing him also reminds me of the days I sat, alone, in my living room, with my two best friends making sure I was OK. Not a family member. Friends. People that I haven't known my whole life. People that I only have ties through friendship. And it hurts still. I will not put myself at a place where I will feel bad.
Just writing this post makes my chest hurt.
More than a few people have told us to 'be the bigger person' and talk to him. Forgive him and move on. And sometimes I think that maybe I should. But then, I feel the hurt again. It's deep. It's painful. And the loss of a child is something I hope no one I know has to experience, but until you do, trust me, you have no idea what you are asking. And I'm pretty sure that Adam's older brother has no concept of the hurt he has caused. I am thankful that he lives all the way across the county, so issues like this rarely come up.... but it's sad nonetheless.
Anyway. I've been stuck. The mother of the bride (who is one of the few people who stuck with us after Nora's death) in this wedding asked me to knit her a shrug. Which is a very easy thing to knit, and I should be done with it already. But every time I sit to knit it, I think about all the reasons I'm not going to the wedding, and it makes me so sad and angry and all that crap wrapped into one. Today I came up with the great idea to pay a friend to finish it up for me. It's like this huge weight has been lifted off my chest.
But I hate feeling stuck. And that is how I feel in this situation. No way out.
When I met Aaron's family - what a difference! The first Thanksgiving we had together, I think there were something like 28 people there. All close relatives. I was totally overwhelmed, but I thought wow! This is neat!
As time moved on, I've learned all the ins and outs of the family, and although they do a better job than my family in keeping in touch, I've learned that they aren't as close as they appeared that first thanksgiving. They do get together and have fun at gatherings, but it isn't this close knit group.
In 2009, there was a tough patch that Aaron and his brother's were going through related to Aaron's father. If anyone remembers, my FiL had a stroke before Cam was born. Aaron's brother, a normally abrasive guy, became more so as he navigated being my FiL's power of attorney. Which is understandable. And what's also understandable, in my mind, that he and Aaron butted heads over more than a few things during this time. They yelled at each other. Eventually, they needed to meet in person, and Aaron stated that he would prefer to not meet in our home, because he knew the conversation may become heated, and he wanted to be able to walk away if he needed.
In the middle of all this, Nora died. Aaron's mother asked if there was anything she should do, I remember stating, I know it would mean a lot to Aaron if you could get his older brother to come to the service. She assured me she would do that.
He didn't show up. He claimed that Aaron told him he wasn't welcome in our home. Which was not the case. And I have trouble with the idea that if you yell at a brother, you can't be forgiven (and I know that Aaron did apologize for yelling). Isn't that what family is for, sometimes!? To let it out?! And what is more frustrating that dealing with your 60 year old father's estate?
As the days, weeks and months moved on, we didn't get a lot of support from Aaron's family. The death of our child was treated as though it never happened. Most people came and gave us hugs at the service. After the service, there were only 2 people in that family that kept checking in on us. Making sure we were OK. And Aaron's older brother? To this day hasn't spoken to us or met Maggie.
In two weeks, Aaron's cousin is getting married 2 hours from where we live. We decided that if his big brother chose to attend the wedding, we wouldn't go. Still, to this day, when I think of Adam, it feels like kick in the gut. That a brother was willing to act in the manner, and show no love to a sibling in one of the worst days of his life, it's still shocking to me. It hurts me. And seeing him also reminds me of the days I sat, alone, in my living room, with my two best friends making sure I was OK. Not a family member. Friends. People that I haven't known my whole life. People that I only have ties through friendship. And it hurts still. I will not put myself at a place where I will feel bad.
Just writing this post makes my chest hurt.
More than a few people have told us to 'be the bigger person' and talk to him. Forgive him and move on. And sometimes I think that maybe I should. But then, I feel the hurt again. It's deep. It's painful. And the loss of a child is something I hope no one I know has to experience, but until you do, trust me, you have no idea what you are asking. And I'm pretty sure that Adam's older brother has no concept of the hurt he has caused. I am thankful that he lives all the way across the county, so issues like this rarely come up.... but it's sad nonetheless.
Anyway. I've been stuck. The mother of the bride (who is one of the few people who stuck with us after Nora's death) in this wedding asked me to knit her a shrug. Which is a very easy thing to knit, and I should be done with it already. But every time I sit to knit it, I think about all the reasons I'm not going to the wedding, and it makes me so sad and angry and all that crap wrapped into one. Today I came up with the great idea to pay a friend to finish it up for me. It's like this huge weight has been lifted off my chest.
But I hate feeling stuck. And that is how I feel in this situation. No way out.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Things and Stuff
I know I haven't been posting a lot lately, but I'm tired. My life is such that usually, everything isn't busy at once. But this last month, my weekends have been stuffed with activities, work has been busy for both Aaron and I (which is very rare, we somehow manage to trade off having busy times at work), I've been dealing with my Mom's move and parenting has also been a challenge.
And I know that is is life. This is what is always happening. There are people that have much crazier and busier lives than I have - for instance, my commute (when I got into the office, which is only 2 times a week) is 20 minutes. I have a cleaning lady to help with the housework. My kids are in daycare and my husband is helpful.
But I really want to go somewhere and just sit. Sit and do nothing. Have someone delivery me chocolate, stinky cheese and the occasional cocktail.
Since that isn't happening anytime soon, my plan tonight is to take the kids into Boston to hang out with a friend who is in town, take her to the Museum of Science, and then Aaron will pick up the kids, and we will go out for dinner at the North End. And I scheduled a spa day for myself on my birthday, so I have that to look forward to!
And I know that is is life. This is what is always happening. There are people that have much crazier and busier lives than I have - for instance, my commute (when I got into the office, which is only 2 times a week) is 20 minutes. I have a cleaning lady to help with the housework. My kids are in daycare and my husband is helpful.
But I really want to go somewhere and just sit. Sit and do nothing. Have someone delivery me chocolate, stinky cheese and the occasional cocktail.
Since that isn't happening anytime soon, my plan tonight is to take the kids into Boston to hang out with a friend who is in town, take her to the Museum of Science, and then Aaron will pick up the kids, and we will go out for dinner at the North End. And I scheduled a spa day for myself on my birthday, so I have that to look forward to!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Halloween
Because I know you guys are already figuring it out - what are your Halloween plans? Cam and Maggie have been pretty consistent in asking to be an orange dinosaur and a purple butterfly. A friend of mine has a son who is also obsessed with orange and made an awesome orange dragon costume. It's a little big for cam, but I can make it work. And a butterfly? What is easier than that!!?!? I found these wings, and then I'll throw on black pants and a shirt, maybe a tutu, and she is good.
And, worst case, the other ideas they've been throwing around are super heroes, and we already have capes and super hero attire galore here. I'm done.
And everyone else? Let's hear it!
And, worst case, the other ideas they've been throwing around are super heroes, and we already have capes and super hero attire galore here. I'm done.
And everyone else? Let's hear it!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Unwinding
The past few weeks have been busy. Both Aaron and I have been busy with work, lots of kids birthday parties and events - and swimming has been over for a bit. I also have a bit of a family drama brewing over our decision to not go to a family wedding, and some deadline knitting to complete for the mother of the bride in that wedding.
Any time I have some space to take a breath, my mom is calling all excited or distraught over moving. I was glad when she had 2 months to go until her closing, but now I think it's given her a lot of time to obsess.
Anyway. I'm stressed out. Aaron is stressed out. I want a break - but what does that even mean? Aaron barely has any vacation left, and if I go alone, it would have Aaron home alone with the kids and me, alone. Not really what I want. What I really want is a vacation at one of those family places like Tyler Place. I hang out with Aaron, someone else entertains the kids.... it's all good. But that isn't really in the budget right now.
So I'm trying (again) to find balance. Do some sort of exercise until swimming starts up again, take deep breaths, do a spa day on my birthday (Sept 18th! Presents welcome!). Easy things. Small things. Maybe that will get this everlasting headache to go away (4 days and counting).
Any time I have some space to take a breath, my mom is calling all excited or distraught over moving. I was glad when she had 2 months to go until her closing, but now I think it's given her a lot of time to obsess.
Anyway. I'm stressed out. Aaron is stressed out. I want a break - but what does that even mean? Aaron barely has any vacation left, and if I go alone, it would have Aaron home alone with the kids and me, alone. Not really what I want. What I really want is a vacation at one of those family places like Tyler Place. I hang out with Aaron, someone else entertains the kids.... it's all good. But that isn't really in the budget right now.
So I'm trying (again) to find balance. Do some sort of exercise until swimming starts up again, take deep breaths, do a spa day on my birthday (Sept 18th! Presents welcome!). Easy things. Small things. Maybe that will get this everlasting headache to go away (4 days and counting).
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