Secrets

I'm going to admit, we've told a bunch of people I'm pregnant. Obviously, we've told the people that knew we were going through IVF. My mom. My brother. My father in law. Aaron has probably told EVERYONE he works with. I've told a few people at work - but all my friends (pretty much).

But we haven't told Aaron's mother, which means that his whole nosy, overly involved family isn't bugging me yet. I also haven't told my father and my stepmother - who will, I guarantee - really bug the crap out of me once they find out. I'm not showing (obviously) and I'm not so sick that I run from meetings at work to run to the bathroom. I feel like I have this little secret growing inside and I don't have to tell anyone that I don't want to.

Admittedly, I'm a bit nervous about the aftermath of our decision not to tell my MIL. This is a woman that called my SIL (who lives in Portland, OR - we are in Mass) and told her she didn't feel 'a part of this pregnancy' when she was pregnant with her first. So - I'm imagining major backlash when not only does she find out that we didn't tell her I was pregnant for months..... but that we didn't tell her we were back doing IVF!

For now, I choose to enjoy this little secret that Aaron and I are sharing - and the fun of talking about baby names and maternity leave and good things like that. Because all hell may break loose in a few weeks.

That was uneventful

I had my 8 week appointment. Mostly, we just sat in the nurse's office and went through checklists on my health and my family history. Which is pretty unexciting. And they drew blood. Whoo Hooo.

I don't go back until 5/28, and at that point I actually meet with a doc... I'll be 12 weeks 5 days then! Unbelievable. I'm really glad I decided to go see my fertility doc one last time (5/13) - I'll get a peek at the little guy and some reassurances. I know that things are going really well, and on the one hand, I know that people have been having babies for millions of years. And that there isn't a need for another u/s or a doc visit between now and next month - but it sure will make me feel good to see it again!

In other news, I'm going to finally start going to the gym/walking again. I didn't really do much during my IVF cycle - I was bike riding and swimming at the gym... but stopped after transfer. And then got this stupid cough/cold that won't stop, and have been SO TIRED I couldn't fathom hauling myself to the gym. I feel like now I need to get back in gear - I most certainly don't want or need to gain 60 pounds with this pregnancy!!!

Sick and Tired

I've had a cold since the day I got my BFP. Now I wonder if I'm still sick, or if they are pregnancy symptoms? I am coughing, but it's usually because I seem to have extra saliva. What is up with that? There is so much it takes me by surprise and chokes me! Last night, I went to bed at 9, and got up at 7:30 this morning and am still very tired. Aaron keeps on pointing out all my zits (this last point scores him zero points. Why yes Aaron, I did notice the large zit RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of my cheek. But thanks for pointing it out. Not.). I'm gassy. Very very very gassy - to the point it hurts. And I'm a little crazy. Aaron was cooking dinner and I was poking him and joking around with him, and it caused him to drop something. And he was rather sharp with me. Which normally would just have me saying 'WTF' and him saying sorry and us moving on. Instead it blew up into a full on 15 minute scream fest. I'm just so tired all the time, and my stomach hurts and I got fed up with it all. Good times.

But, I'm thankful that my body is going through all these changes. To me, it can mean only good things. Tomorrow I go to my OB/GYN tomorrow to meet with the nurse for my 8 week checkup. I'm a little nervous, to tell you the truth. And the thing I'm nervous about is so lame - that I have gained weight over the past months - with the 2 IVF cycles and all the time I've spent being sick/recovering and not working out. Old habits die hard, huh?

This past weekend was really nice. It was the first really relaxing weekend I've had in a while. I had (on purpose) scheduled myself to be super busy during the last 6 weeks - so I wouldn't be obsessing on the pregnancy test or the aftermath. But now, that I pretty much have nothing to do for next few weekends - I'm really looking forward to it!

8 Weeks and the best smoothie ever

Today I'm 8 weeks! Of course it started by having a very small bit of spotting - but my nurse reminded me after my u/s on Tuesday to expect spotting all of the way until Friday. And - it was MUCH less than the last time. So I mildly freaked out, and then calmed myself down.

I feel like I HAVE to share this super tasty smoothie with you:

2 cups of chocolate soy milk
2 frozen bananas (broken up into pieces)
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp coca
6 ice cubes

Blend it all together. YUM!

I've had this for breakfast the last 2 mornings and it is awesome. Awesome I tell you.

Cravings, much?

I went to the grocery store last night. This is a job a usually abhor. But we needed food - and sending Aaron with a list misses out on the things I only remember I need/want when I get there. Anyway. In the spirit of the comedian Jeff Foxworthy... You might be pregnant when:

A product called 'Pancakes and Sausage on a stick' not only sounds like a good idea, but you squeal a little when you find them.

Ha.

Surreal.

Yesterday's ultrasound was awesome. But do you think that the techs know what they are doing to you when they take FOREVER to tell you what they are seeing? Aaron could see the screen, I could not. I was looking at Aaron, and his eyes gave away what he was seeing. And then the tech said - it's hard to see - and turned the screen to me - I could TOTALLY see the little flicker of a heartbeat. I was so nervous. I knew that I just wasn't ready to deal with bad news. And thank god, I didn't.

Many have felt this way in the past, I know. But it seems a little bit crazy that I'm pregnant. I've honestly never thought past the whole 'get pregnant' part - so I have to admit the whole idea of making the baby come out just kind of entered my head last night. Yeah. I'm going to push that to the back of my mind again for a few months.

Let's just say that Aaron has a 25 inch head. God save me.

This whole thing is surreal. Seeing the changes my body is going through. Feeling nauseous almost all the time (but no throwing up, thank god). Thinking about when I'll need to buy maternity clothes. Picking my OB/GYN - and actually scheduling my first appointment (next Tuesday!!!!!).

I'm finally excited. And enjoying. And just really thankful that I'm at this point.

The Minor Holiday Baby

Conceived on St Patrick's Day
Pregnancy Test on April Fool's Day.
Heat beat of 153 seen on Earth Day!

Hurrah!

Back!

Well - got back from my vacation on Sunday morning at 5 AM (major plane delay... yuck) to a house full. My mother in law was visiting with my 4 year old niece and 2 year old nephew. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought is was going to be - they let me sleep in until 11 - and then we spent the rest of the day hanging out. Now I just need to deal with 'real world' reentry and all will be fine.

On the pregnancy front - all is well! I'm a bit shocked about that, honestly. I got to my knitting thing, only to find out that there was a high risk ob/gyn in my group, along with a douala - so I was in great hands the whole time. I didn't have any spotting - and the nausea has kicked in full force. But I seem to have it more in the afternoon than 'morning sickness' - but whatever. Makes me feel like something good is happening down there!

Tomorrow Aaron and I go in for my next u/s - today I'm 7 weeks, so I should absolutely see a heartbeat tomorrow. I feel pretty sure that all will be fine, but no matter what - I'll have a bit of stress until it's over with.

OK - I need to weed though hundreds of emails - I promise to report back after tomorrow's ultrasound!

Better

My nurse finally called back towards the end of the day yesterday - and she reminded me that I should have expected spotting after the u/s. I had kind of thought that was what was going on - but at the same time I was freaking out. I felt better after talking to her, but also much better now that it's stopped!

I hate that my first thought is that something is going wrong. In general, I'm a very happy, upbeat person. But with all the IF crap - I've become very protective of my sanity. I'm really not ready to be 100% excited about being pregnant... and I think I'm going to stay that way until I see the little heart beating away. And having been sick for the past week (I still don't have my voice back!) isn't really helping. I can't tell if different things that I am feeling are because I'm pregnant, or because I'm sick. Augh! Just get better already!

Today is my last day at work, and then I'm off for a week's vacation. I'm going to Orcas Island, and staying at the Rosario Resort. It is a beautiful place, and as an added benefit - pretty much totally off the grid. Barely any cell phone reception at all. I won't be bringing a laptop. Just spending the week with some women who also like to knit - and taking a few knitting classes. We are also going on a whale watch, and I'm sure I'll find some time to sneak in a spa treatment or two. Aaron is staying home - and that is the one part that sucks. I really like to be close to him, and now more than normal. He is the calming force in my life! But I'll be surrounded by some good friends - so I'm sure I'll be fine.

But - you all won't hear from me for a while! I should be back on line next Sunday, and then I'm going to start obsessing on my next u/s which is Tuesday, the 21st!

Mildly freaking out.

This morning I woke up to spotting. I was totally thrown for a loop. I called Aaron, and was in tears - and he more sounded frustrated than anything else. For me, it's more WTF. Seriously.

As the day has worn on, it's pretty much slowed down to nothing. I don't know what to make of it. I know all you gals will tell me it's normal, and after a transvag u/s yesterday, I know it could be expected.... but I was really enjoying a spot-free pregnancy. I wanted this time to be normal. Worry free. And now this.

I of course have a call into my nurse... but I've gone from feeling super positive to be a little down. I can only hope this is a one time, no big deal thing. Wait and see, as usual.

One baby, in the proper place!

Well - we saw all there was to see this morning - one yolk sac... nothing in the wrong place. It was way to early to see a heartbeat - so I go back on the 22nd for another u/s.

Phew.

I was nervous for a bit - because the first part (the non-vaginal u/s) she didn't say anything. And I didn't have a good view of the screen. And then she left the room to get the doc for the vaginal u/s. And took a long time. I started to get nervous! But then she came back in with the doc, and he was super nice. They assured me that they weren't expecting to see anything except a yolk sac (which they did) and just wanted to be sure the other embryo wasn't lurking in a bad place (which it wasn't).

One hurdle over!

Two more days...

I have my first u/s on Weds morning, 8:30 AM. I'm both excited, but also wishing it was a little later on. Just today, I'm 5 weeks - so I'm not sure that we'll see a heartbeat by Weds. But there is a chance we will... so I'll be in this weird limbo if they don't see one. Not knowing if it is a bad thing, or if it's too early. I guess I just won't think about it until then.

This weekend was decent - as decent as things can be when you are all sick! I had a fever Weds and Thursday... and was left with a cough that is really deep in my chest. And the drugs I'm actually allowed to take aren't very helpful. My brother visited from Florida - and in my head I had fun plans for us to at least go out to some fun places for dinner. My big excitement was walking from upstairs to downstairs without coughing up a lung. But - he and Aaron did paint a lot on the living room - my mother even helped. So, we are really close to being able to move back in! The room looks great! And it was great to just get to spend time with my brother - we rarely get time alone. So this was a nice change.

I'm leaving on my vacation on Sunday morning early - so I'm going to keep on relaxing and laying low this week - I need to get rid of this sickness so I can have fun....

Good news, bad news

My HCG is up to 507! 48 hour doubling would have been 394. So no more blood draws for me! Next Wednesday I'll probably be going in for my first u/s.

I may not sound super excited, and that's because yesterday I had a fever of 101.7... and continue to feel like crap today. The worst part is that I also have a cough that is brutal - a hard racking cough that hurts my chest. Of course, I didn't take any drugs until I got the sign off from my nurse... and the things I'm allowed to take (Robitussin - cough only, Benadryl - not the kind with antihistamines, and Tylenol for the fever.). I've been in bed since 4 PM yesterday - only getting out to have Aaron drive me in for the blood work.

Heavy Sigh.

Well.

I'm feeling pretty great about everything. Sunday night, I was so tired I could barely function. I got pretty excited - thinking that fatigue was an early pregnancy sign. But then I woke up on Monday, and was coughing - so I was wondering if the tiredness was due to being sick, and not being pregnant. I was also feeling cramps in my lower abdomen - but there is an illness going around my workplace that starts with a cold, and then moves onto stomach issues.

When I got up on Tuesday morning, I was still pretty sure I was pregnant. But now I had the doubts that instead of being pregnant, I was just getting the flu. I laid in bed for a bit before I got up. I got in the car, and even stopped for breakfast. Guess I was unconsciously slowing down the news - worrying that it wasn't what I expected.

Then my nurse called a little after noon with the news - and I've been excited ever since. But it's like a muted excitement. I've been to this point 2 times before. You all know I'm holding out until my first ultrasound and to see that heartbeat!

All your great comments with support and excitement had me in tears yesterday. I love our community.

I AM PREGNANT!

My HCG came back at 197!!!!!

Hurrah!!!!!!

I have my bloodwork redone on Thursday - but I'm SO excited! So. Excited.

I'm sure the fact that all you gals were pulling for me helped. Thanks so much.