Hello Second Trimester!

Today is the start of the second trimester. I'm 13 weeks today. Thirteen. Weeks.


One thing I've noticed in the past reading IF blogs, and certainly with NaComLeavMo - that being pregnant after infertility is a sensitive topic. We all know it's totally The Goal. And when someone is cycling, we click over on BPT day all excited to see if they are pregnant. And when they are, we are all like WOOT! But then, slowly, maybe we'll stop visiting. We get bitter when we see the u/s pictures. We cringe when they talk about car seats and what color the nursery will be. I know a lot of it is that we wish we were there. And we wish we weren't like that (the day I cried when I found out my sister in law was pregnant? I still wish that wasn't my first reaction).

I see some bloggers do that thing where in the 9th month of the pregnancy, they are still saying 'if I get to bring home a baby'. And that is sad to me. Sure, we've seen it happen - and it's horrible. But I'm going to admit, I am going to push forward and make plans and choose daycare and discuss doulas and knit little sweaters. Many may think it's too soon. But I went through this first trimester worried and constantly looking for problems. That isn't the way I go through my normal life - so why should I go through pregnancy this way? I want to be excited and have fun and ENJOY. And I know that I may lose some readers because that is too much or too 'in their face'. And I'm sorry. I still go to all my friends blogs who are cycling and cheer you on. Sometimes it's hard to type with so many body parts crossed as everyone gets closer to BPTs! But this blog is a telling of my fears, thoughts, and JOYS. After 3 years - I've finally gotten to the good point.

Here's to enjoying.

Freaking Awesome

I just got back from my OB appointment - and it was great. I was pretty nervous at first, I have to admit. I was fine all of the way until I was sitting in the room. Then I started feeling nervous. Usually Aaron has been with me - this is the first doc appointment in maybe a YEAR that he hasn't been there with me! The doc came in, and was very sweet - and talked to me quickly - and said we were going to try and get a heartbeat with the doppler. But - not to fear - if we couldn't hear with the doppler she would take me right over to u/s.

So I held my breath. And she quickly had me listen to my heartbeat. And then shifted a bit, and we heard the baby. I cried a little - and then laughed, which had the doppler make a horrible noise - and then the doc laughed.

Good times.

I've actually LOST a pound - which is shocking to me. We talked quickly about my weight concerns, and she made me feel much better. She even admitted to gaining 60 pounds with her first pregnancy. Oh - and I'm off the progesterone as of today! Hurrah!!!!!!

I scheduled my next appointment for next month, and then my big u/s at 18 weeks. That is on July 7th. I can't believe it is so soon! Of course, we aren't finding out the sex - but it'll be really neat to see the baby looking like a real baby. Only 6 weeks. Seems like time is flying now.

Happy Sigh

It's been a good long weekend. It started with working on Friday from the Berkshires at my father in laws house - it's a great house on a hill with windows overlooking trees. I would sit working on my new, super fast laptop listening to the birds. It was nice.

Saturday I went to the gym(!) and then got a massage. Heaven. I haven't gotten a massage since the beginning of my IVF cycle and I totally needed it. Then I came home to a bunch of yard work being finished up (hurrah for Aaron) and watched August Rush. What a good (albeit totally unbelievable) feel good movie. And yesterday, more of the same (but no massage, and watched Knocked Up as the movie). Today - we got up late, went to a bbq at a neighbors, and are just about to head out to dinner.

Could you ask for more in a long weekend? I think not.

Wends I'm off to my first 'real' ob/gyn. I think this is the first doc appointment that I'm not nervous for! Shocking.

Happy Anniversary to me!

Today, Aaron and I have been married 4 years! Crazy. We aren't super big on celebrating. Aaron gave me some cute cards this morning and took me out to breakfast - but we don't exchange presents. We are just happy to be together. Sometimes I think how crazy it is that I found someone that after 7 years, I still really enjoy sending time with! I couldn't imagine life any other way.

When we were eating breakfast this morning, I realized that next year at our anniversary, we'll have a little baby with us. How cool is that?

Edited to add: FLOWERS! He sent me a dozen roses at work. Big surprise! What a sweetie.

Where is my parade?

So. I'm pregnant. I really thought that once I got to this point, after 3 years of trying, I would be over the moon excited. Aaron and I would be running around the house jumping for joy that we were finally having a baby. I'd be knitting baby items by the boatload, and reading anything I could get my hands on about being pregnant, giving birth, and little babies. It's kind of like I kind of expected a parade. I envision myself on a float, holding my positive HPT with confetti flowing around me because everyone (including me) was SO excited that I was pregnant.

But I'm not. At first, I was guarded. I didn't want to open my heart up for the potential hurt if something went wrong. Now that we are starting to tell people, I guess it's just not happening like I expected. Aaron is so wrapped up in work, and the huge projects that we have going on in the house and coaching soccer that he is more stressed out than excited (I think.). My mom is super excited, but is obviously tempering her excitement with caution. Others I know are excited for me, but are just treating me like a normal pregnant lady. Which, honestly, I am. I don't know if I was expecting people to bow down before me and make offerings to my fertility? I'm a bit of a hormonal freak, I guess.

I think the biggest factor is that I'm just so tired. And that is my biggest complaint. And it makes me feel like a lame ass. Other friends of mine who are pregnant have all these stories of throwing up and constant nausea and 'round ligament pain'... I'm just tired. Mind numbingly tired. I go to work, come home, try to go for a walk, make dinner, and then stay up for an hour, tops. Go upstairs and fall asleep - only to wake up at 1 AM. And stay awake for a few hours. And then fall asleep again.

This level of tiredness is effecting everything. I forget to do things. I want to help Aaron work on the huge list of 'to-do's' that we have - but the second he says I don't have to, I jump on the offer and go inside and relax. It's making me hyper sensitive to anything people say. Which makes for a not so fun Cece.

You are supposed to get you energy back after the first trimester - lets hope that happens!

You like?

If you are a feed reader - you should click over and see my new digs! I had Cali give me a neat new header - and I love it. The first one didn't have a picture of Aaron on it. He made some comment about how that was 'wrong' and Cali put in the funny 'Bond, Aaron Bond' version. It cracks me up because Aaron didn't even wear a tux at our wedding - but he really likes his new cartoon self.

This weekend was good. I got to go to a big yarn sale and stock up. I haven't been knitting all that much because I've been SO tired. But there are a few cardigans that I want to make to wear in the fall - realizing that many of my favorite sweaters aren't going to make it over a big preggo belly.

I also went to the cabin and spent time with my mom. It actually was fun - because she was asking a lot about what I will need when the baby comes, and what my plans are, etc. Aaron and I haven't really gotten that far. We are still just excited about being pregnant (and of course, there is the shock of the child care costs... but we are OK on that now too). But - I did finally snap at her about weight issues. My friend Suzanne had come also, and we were 'voting' on what to have for dinner. And I was saying that I should get TWO votes because I'm technically TWO people. Mom walked into the room at that point, and said 'Augh. You aren't TWO people - and don't think you can eat like that'. I totally snapped at her - saying that WASN'T what I was referring to - and she needed to back off on the weight issues. She got quiet after that.

I hope this week flies by, as I'm really looking forward to the long weekend. Is it bad to be thinking of the weekend on Monday?

My Pants Won't Button.

This morning, I pulled out my old standby pants. The ones that have fit during 'fat' and 'thin' thanks to a little bit of elastic. My favorite work pants. And I couldn't button them (comfortably). And I started crying.

I'm thinking there are 3 things at work here. First, and most obviously - hormones! But second, is that I'm spending the weekend with my mom. I know she is going to be checking me out. She is constantly telling me that she only gained 15 pounds during her pregnancy with me - and that if I gain too much weight, I won't be able to have the natural childbirth that I want. My mom is totally weight obsessed. The fact that I am overweight is a HUGE disappointment to her. She is very proud of her slim figure. She is a nurse, and will often mention with disgust the 'fat' people who wouldn't need surgery if they just were thinner. So - I'm going to be totally in the spotlight when she sees me this weekend!

The final thing? I've often gone online to Cafe Press looking at the funny maternity tee shirts... but I guess I never realized I get to the point where I would actually NEED to buy maternity clothes! I went and bought this shirt for myself. I also got myself a few pairs of pants from Motherhood and a few tee shirts.

It's a whole new world I'm entering now.

Want to see my baby?

My measuring 'just right', heartbeat at 163, proof that I need to stop freaking out baby?
The picture is just a little blurry, but the message is the same - everything is looking great!

This and that

This weekend was fun. The weather was perfect, and Aaron gave me a bunch of cute Mother's Day cards. I have to admit to a pang of sadness(? maybe? Hard to describe the feeling) that it took us so long to get to this point, but I'm happy we are here. We spent the whole weekend together doing yard work and hanging out and in general just being together, alone. Which was really nice. Plus - my yard and gardens are all looking great, and Aaron made me a little fence to protect my flower gardens from my monster dogs that think pretty flowers are for digging up and running through.

The other big thing we did this weekend was to tell my MIL that we were pregnant. I was SO nervous about her reaction - but she was actually pretty great. She did do a large pause when she realized that if I was due on Dec 5th, that meant I was over 10 weeks pregnant - but recovered nicely. I know it sounds horrible - but it's always a hit of miss thing with her if she is going to be nice or mean.... I'm glad she went with nice. And then we spent the rest of the day telling other parts of Aaron's family - and everyone was really excited, so that was fun. After my U/S on Tuesday, I'm going to send my Dad and Stepmother a picture and tell them the news.

Speaking of the u/s - I'm ok. I'm more excited then nervous at this point. On Saturday, I kind of overdid it again, and was a nauseous, gassy mess for Saturday night and parts of Sunday. As much as that kind of sucked - it made me feel like everything is going well! I guess I'm damned if I do feel bad, and damned it I don't. Ha.

My u/s is tomorrow morning at 9:30 - but with the drive time and the fact that we need to see my doc afterwards - I wouldn't think I'd be able to post the picture until around noontime.... but I promise not to keep you all in suspense!

10 Weeks

Things are starting to feel real and sink in - and that is cool. Since last weekend, I've been feeling really good. As in, no nausea, not super tired, pretty much have the gas/lack of poop under control. I've been taking nice long walks with my friend and/or the dogs. And that was making me really nervous. Aren't I supposed to feel like crap? So I've been quietly counting down the days until my next ultrasound, and praying that everything is OK.

But then more people at work have been finding out (mostly because we all went out for drinks after work and I wasn't drinking - which was a SHOCK to some - lol). And people were asking me how I was feeling, and I said - 'Honestly? Great!' And told how that was kind of making me nervous. And two woman chimed in that they felt totally great their first trimester also - one said she barely even noticed she was pregnant. Then I started asking around, and sure - lots of people feel morning sickness, but others don't! Ha! Or they didn't with the first pregnancy and they did with the second or vice-versa. Ha!

Like I've said before - I have no reason to be worried. No spotting, no cramping... and we saw that beautiful heartbeat at 7 weeks 4 days. Now I'm just excited (and a little nervous) to go see my little one on Tuesday!

Oh - and Aaron and I went to see Iron Man last night - awesome movie - I totally recommend it.

Nothing Super Exciting.

Well, maybe one exciting thing - I think the fancy ($42 is my co-pay! WTF!) prenatal I'm taking is working wonders. My symptoms are greatly reduced - the 'stool softeners' and the B12 (I think?) have really eliminated the major issues I was having - constipation and mild nausea. I have chosen to decide that is the reason that I'm feeling so good - and not that something isn't going right because I have less symptoms. Positive thinking.

Yet grateful for the ultrasound I have scheduled for this coming Tuesday.

I'm also less exhausted - but I'm being careful not to do silly things that tire me out - and have been trying to go for a walk each day - which seems to make a big difference.

The one thing that has been occupying my thoughts lately is childcare. I'm definitely going back to work after maternity leave. But there are so many options - have someone come into my house, in-home daycare, or the big child care centers. I see the pros and cons for each - I'm just not sure yet what is best for US. I do know that where ever we do go, that it needs to be close to my house. We have a child care center in my office building, but about once a week I work from home - and it's a 30 minute drive to my office building. Plus - I would like Aaron to have to option of picking up and dropping off if needed - and my office building is in the exact opposite direction than how he drives to work.

I know this all seems early to be thinking of this - but I've been warned by other mothers that waiting lists on some of the 'better' places is ridiculous.

Hermiting

I know, it isn't a word. But sometimes, I like to stay in my house, watching TV, eating junk food and not answering the phone. And that is exactly what I did all weekend. I call it 'hermiting'.

Aaron announced last week that he needed to go on a business trip the beginning of this week. And that one of his friends needed his help apartment hunting. So, he was thinking of leaving late Saturday morning, not to return until Tuesday night. At first I was thinking I'd be lonely.... and then I realized I haven't been ALONE in months. This was all part of my 'not obsess over the IVF cycle and the pregnancy test results' plan - but I either was going on a trip or having someone visit every single weekend since the beginning of March.

So I spent the weekend catching up on my DVR, knitting, eating junk food, and a bit of worrying. Which is something I swore I wouldn't do - but I am. Can this whole pregnancy thing be true? There has been no spotting, but this weekend I also really didn't have any symptoms. Of course, I woke up this morning with a decent nausea feeling (which I'm guess is a direct results of the garbage food I was eating). I'll be happy when I get another peek at the baby on the 13th.

Another thing that is making me feel a bit of stress is that one of my friends on my street is pregnant too. Due 10 days before me. When I see her, we compare symptoms and appointments and joke about maternity leave (since we'll be on it together)... my heart is no longer guarded against something going wrong. I've thrown myself headlong into dreaming of my baby, and how great this all is.... it's starting to freak me out how positive I'm being!

9 Weeks!

Today I hit 9 weeks! That is pretty cool. I'm also feeling a lot better - I've finally learned how to manage a lot of symptoms I've been having, which is nice. The mild nausea I was having is easy fixed by not eating junk food and eating smaller meals (der). The constipation is slowly being resolved by my new prenatal with stool softeners (hurrah), more liquids and homemade bran muffins. And I've learned not to overtire myself.

On Saturday - I was out all day, watching Aaron's soccer team play, helping a friend move, and then go out to dinner. Sunday I got up earlish, drove with a friend to a yarn sale (about a 1.5 hour drive one way) walked all around town there, and then drove home. From 4 PM until I went to sleep I was nauseous, exhausted and miserable.

Lessons learned.

If you go read the comments from my last post - you gals (and Aaron! You got my husband to comment on my blog!) were all so right. I understand it is our business what and when we tell people - but my MIL just makes me nervous. She is a gossiper, and I know it's going to be a big conversation on how we didn't tell people right away.... how we've been going through some tough times with the whole TTC thing.... blah blah blah....Poor Cece.... Poor Aaron. I hate knowing the buzz that will surround the announcement. But I'll get over it!

Huzzah for 9 weeks!