Monday, August 15, 2011

The Pain Olympics

I don't often go down this road. But spending a week with my mother brings it out. My mom is the type of woman who (at least it seems like) loves tragedy. On Weds, she found out that a friend of hers had died. So, while hanging out with us, she spent a lot of time on the phone with his wife asking how she was doing, finding out arrangements, and helping her notify other friends. All necessary things when someone dies. (I hate it that I know all this). Anyway - one of the people she called had a lot going on - his daughter has MS, his wife was in the hospital, and he cat needed to go into surgery. She got off the phone with him and said - this man is an angel! Going through all his has in his life, and taking the time to worry about Bob and making sure he goes to the funeral.

Yeah. What an angel. She NEVER said ANYTHING like that to me. I was dealing with my son's first birthday, the death of my daughter in my own house, a baby girl with awful acid reflux and a milk allergy, the death of my father, finding out I needed to dig a well (12K we didn't happen to have in our back pocket).... WHAT ABOUT ME! Seriously. And that is all after going through the 3 years previous in which I dealt with infertility, an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage and my FIL having a major stroke and now being totally incapacitated.

This has been a lifelong thing. I have done amazing things in my life. I've finished an ironman triathlon. I've swum 10 miles in the Boston harbor. I've swum Alcatraz. I was all American in college in swimming. My boat almost won nationals in crew in college (it was actually a photo finish - took 30 minutes to decide who won). I graduated with honors from college. I'm a VP at work. And she sends me a cut-out from the newspaper about this guy that swam Alcatraz... and the whole thing about how it was a life long goal of his. Her note? "Look at what a big deal this guy made about this!". How do I explain that it IS a big deal to swim Alcatraz. Jesus. She just assumes I can do it. Which in some strange way is good, I guess.

Never, ever, has my mother told me I am amazing. Never. And sometimes I just want to shake her and scream WHAT THE FUCK. But I also don't want to sit here and list out all the shit I've gone through and make her worry either. Because I am OK. My life is wonderful. But maybe, just once, she could realize that I'm a survivor. Just a little pat on the back. But I know I won't. And sometimes it pisses me off.

7 comments:

SS said...

I think you are amazing. I have 2 boys 19 months apart and I'm always amazed at how much you do as a mom, not even knowing all the accomplishments you listed in your post. I am training for a sprint triathlon right now, I can't imagine how people do ironman triathlons.

Sara said...

Yeah but you know what? You're kids are going to know they're all kinds of amazing and in all kinds of ways. Partly because you're going to know just how to tell them....

sorting through our own parenting sucks sometimes.

Brandy said...

I am so sorry. I know people like that too and I can't imagine it being someone who should be supportive. You truly are an amazing person who has done remarkable things. Hold your head up high and know that your children will most definitely see you for who you are, not the way she does.

Deborah said...

That sounds kind of like my mom. In college, I never showed her my report card, and she never asked. She just assumed I got A's, and she didn't need to look. But it would've been nice to hear she was proud of me sometimes.

As the others said, you ARE totally amazing! I know that's not the same as hearing it from your mom, but hopefully it's something.

BigP's Heather said...

Girl, I wish I lived closer because we so need to go out for a drink together!!! I, also, just spent a week with my mother and have a grocery list of complaints. (My sister walks on water...)

Angela said...

Oh my goodness do I know what you mean! It would be nice to be acknowledged just once. I have recently discovered that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder and while it does explain a LOT of things it also makes it painfully clear that she will never change and I will never get what I am looking for from her. I hope that things turn out differently for you and your mother and that she will see you for the amazing person that you are. And if not, your friends do!

HereWeGoAJen said...

Well, I think you are amazing. :) Remember how the dogs ate the mittens and you redid all of them? I thought that was superhero level amazing.