In expectation of visit to New Doc

I went online and looked up New Doc - to see if there was any info on her. She has her own website, and it includes her email address! I have been composing a list of 'concerns' to bring when we talk to her... and yesterday figured... what the heck! And emailed it to her. The gist of the email was (after a brief intro):

***
At a high level, I went off the pill in April of 2005, had well timed intercourse for a year with no results. Went to my GP, who referred me to Dr. N. We had all the 'normal' tests, and everything came back normal. Did one cycle of clomid, then 2 clomid with IUIs. Had a rest cycle, during which I had a VERY painful HSG. I had a positive HPT on Oct 7, but found it was ectopic Oct 19th (I have listed my total history below, but I also assume that you have my charts).

I am very frustrated with how my case is being handled. Below are my concerns (can you tell I'm a tech geek - I like to list things out)
Concerns:
- I don't feel like my issues in Aug-Oct were really looked into. I feel like the HSG was just a checkmark on my medical record. He told me it was something to be done before we moved onto the injectables. He made no comment of what it meant that the procedure was so painful (isn't the pain diagnostic in itself? Couldn't it mean that the procedure itself cleared a partial blockage or opened up a full blockage to partial? )
- After the ectopic, I would have expected some sort of follow up on my tubes, which wasn't done. Isn't the fact that I got pregnant after the HSG make it a strong chance that I could have tubal factor IF? Isn't an HSG after an ectopic is simple logic--why haven't I had one yet?
- Current doc is always commenting on my weight. All my hormone levels have come back normal, and I work out once if not twice everyday (Bikram yoga 4 times a week, and walk approx 20 miles a week). He will comment that our fertility issues are NOT related to my weight, but brings it up in every conversation. This upsets me. Either it's an issue, or it isn't. I have been trying to healthfully lose weight since the ectopic, and have succeeded with losing 20 pounds. I am trying to lose more. I have listed my weight history in this email also, as I want you to understand that although I'm overweight, this isn't a new thing, and I'm also in good shape.
- Also on the topic is weight, Current Doc said my weight OUT LOUD in front of my husband. This was very embarrassing to me. Although Aaron doesn't care, it's a sensitive topic (isn't it for most woman!?).
- Current Doc has mislead us about the timing of when we can start IVF. He had us all geared up to start IVF in May. Then they forgot that Aaron needed another SA. We were pushed off to June. Then we got the denial. I would have to think that the 'rules' for insurance approval are very well documented (as a matter of fact, I was able to go online and see the rules myself after the first denial). If we had known in advance that we couldn't start IVF until October of this year, we would have had a much less stressful time this summer, worrying about getting tests done and expecting to be approved for IVF when there was no way that would happen until 12 months from the ectopic
***
I also included a high level history of my TTCing and my weight. I sent this at 4 PM yesterday - and she wrote me back the same day!!!! Here it is:

I have the picture. Please make sure I have your records before we meet. weight per se isn't so much of an issue. We do pay attention to body mass index-- a measurement of the relationship of your height and weight. Ideal BMIs are 18 to 28 from a health standpoint, but we don't see a difference in pregnancy rates until >40. HSGs are generally painful, and the pain isn't a reflection of your tubal status. If you had 2 open tubes, and had surgery or treatment for an ectopic on one tube, it's not absolutely indicated to take a look to see if that tube is still open. Any ectopic is presumed to indicate possible tubal disease, but 90% of the time your next pregnancy will be in the uterus..ie the tube or tubes remaining usually work fine. See you next week.

I'm already excited about the visit.

Mixed Emotions

Warning - totally off the hip post ahead.

Friday, when I got home, and I told Aaron about the whole 'denied by insurance' fiasco, it ended up in a meltdown on my part of epic proportions. The kind of meltdown that I have only had perhaps 5 times in my adult life - sobbing, screaming, hiccuping...gasping for breath - I'm guessing you other IFers know the one. Even as it was happening I was wishing I could stop. Wishing that I could be totally rational about this whole thing and realize that getting denied this time around only means another month until they can submit again, and I'm pretty much assured approval.

But, I wasn't rational. I find myself being SO resentful for that ectopic pregnancy that I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I was SO hopeful and excited when I got that BFP, as was Aaron. The devastation that it was ectopic was horrible. The false hope that it gave me that at least I could get pregnant on my own - pisses me off now. Aaron and I have been trying for another 6 months since it happened to no avail. AND - if it hadn't happened? I would have been happily moving along with injectables and IUIs, and actually, if those hadn't worked, I would have just been starting IVF at this point. But no. That damn ectopic pregnancy counts as a 'pregnancy' for insurance, and means I no longer qualify for an infertility diagnoses. It also had to happen on the one month I wasn't taking drugs - so can't even count as an ectopic during infertility treatment, which would have also allowed me to move onto IVF sooner.

Instead, I'm sitting here after almost a whole year of no treatment. The fact that we can't submit insurance again until September means that I will need to get another HSG - which was VERY painful for me the first time. I know that it's impacting my relationship - as the stupid cycle of hope shows very obviously in my mood swings throughout the month (which are helped by the hormones, sigh). Sad from CD 26 - 3, levels out cd 4 - 10, gets excited 10 - 20, the nervous waiting and dread sets in on cd21.... I know I'm not telling you all anything new.

But then, at the same time, I'm thankful. I love my life, my husband, my job is decent, I've got great friends.... and I have more time to work on losing even more weight before we go to IVF. I have some time to work on learning some new technologies for work that will be good for my resume. My new friends on my block? They all started having kids around this time in my life. I know I'm not too old and I know I really haven't been trying all that long in the grand scheme of things (2 and a half years).

But staying rational is SO hard. I'm going to do my best to just have fun with these next two months. See if I can do the impossible and not think about IVF or insurance or anything like that until the end of September. Sure, I have a doctors appointment for a second opinion next week - but even if we decide to switch to her, it isn't like she can get my insurance switched any faster either.

Sigh.

Meltdown

OK - after a pretty major meltdown yesterday afternoon, I'm OK. I really didn't even need the meltdown part. Truly, this insurance crap only puts me back another month or two - as I should be totally fine for approval to start this in Oct.

But my frustration level is just so high at this point! Plus, I had an extremely stressful week at work last week, and I have my period, so my hormones are all crazy.

Good times. I'm up early to go to yoga, and then I'm visiting my pal Amanda for a bit as she sells her wares at a Folk Festival.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Denied.

Again.

Stupid Fucking insurance.

Like Sand through the hourglass...

So are the days of my life.

CD1.

Again.

For some reason, I'm not even a little bit upset with it. I did have a mini-ride on the 'hope train' this month... but last night I had my neighbors over for a little bit of knitting, and one brought her 5 month old son. I was holding him and playing with him... and then Aaron came home and was playing with him too - and no sadness. Just fun at playing with a little baby.

I wonder if I'm just at the point where I've moved on in my head to IVF? Or paying more attention to thinking about what I want to talk to Potential New Doc about on August 7th? It really feels like the months are just flying by... like the summer had just started, and now we are in August. The quicker the summer goes, the faster I get to October, when my insurance company will definitely approve our IVF. And, since I haven't been going to Dr N lately, I'm kind of forgetting my frustrations with him.

Dare I say, I'm learning patience? That can't be it. No freaking way.

Honestly.

So. I'm here at work, after almost a week off. I didn't take Monday off, but that was because we had our company outing in the afternoon - so it wasn't really work. Including being back at work - I'm back to my 'follow up' calls that I make - you know the type - checking up on this your ordered and haven't received, making vet appointments, and hell, following up on the damn IVF APPROVAL!??!?!

Right.

The insurance lady called me back a mere5 hours after I left my message (which is lightening fast for this office) and told me that the letter was faxed on July 5th. So it could take up to 3 weeks, maybe even 4 or 5. Um.... I was told you faxed it on June 29th? And now it's not a max of 3 weeks but FOUR OR FIVE!

GAH!

I know it has been said a million times, but it's the waiting with all this IVF shit that sucks the most. It was my understanding that the doc's protest letter was filed on the 29th... making today the day that I would hear (at the latest). But, no. Not only did the letter not get filed when I thought, but now the turn around time could be even longer!? If it's 5 weeks... I could actually still keep on track for starting Lupron in August. AF is due this upcoming Friday. CD 21 would be the 17th. So even if I find out on the 9th (that is 5 weeks), maybe, just maybe - I can finally get this freaking IVF show on the road.

Of course, I need to travel for work the entire week of the 13th. I thought that was a perfectly safe week to travel. And now, I may need to do put off the 'pre-IVF' appointment until that week because of the stupid insurance stuff.

Thank god I'm going for a second opinion on August 7th. I really getting fed up with this crap.

You wanna see my new car?

Here it is!

It's even doggie approved!