Warning - totally off the hip post ahead.
Friday, when I got home, and I told Aaron about the whole 'denied by insurance' fiasco, it ended up in a meltdown on my part of epic proportions. The kind of meltdown that I have only had perhaps 5 times in my adult life - sobbing, screaming, hiccuping...gasping for breath - I'm guessing you other IFers know the one. Even as it was happening I was wishing I could stop. Wishing that I could be totally rational about this whole thing and realize that getting denied this time around only means another month until they can submit again, and I'm pretty much assured approval.
But, I wasn't rational. I find myself being SO resentful for that ectopic pregnancy that I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I was SO hopeful and excited when I got that BFP, as was Aaron. The devastation that it was ectopic was horrible. The false hope that it gave me that at least I could get pregnant on my own - pisses me off now. Aaron and I have been trying for another 6 months since it happened to no avail. AND - if it hadn't happened? I would have been happily moving along with injectables and IUIs, and actually, if those hadn't worked, I would have just been starting IVF at this point. But no. That damn ectopic pregnancy counts as a 'pregnancy' for insurance, and means I no longer qualify for an infertility diagnoses. It also had to happen on the one month I wasn't taking drugs - so can't even count as an ectopic during infertility treatment, which would have also allowed me to move onto IVF sooner.
Instead, I'm sitting here after almost a whole year of no treatment. The fact that we can't submit insurance again until September means that I will need to get another HSG - which was VERY painful for me the first time. I know that it's impacting my relationship - as the stupid cycle of hope shows very obviously in my mood swings throughout the month (which are helped by the hormones, sigh). Sad from CD 26 - 3, levels out cd 4 - 10, gets excited 10 - 20, the nervous waiting and dread sets in on cd21.... I know I'm not telling you all anything new.
But then, at the same time, I'm thankful. I love my life, my husband, my job is decent, I've got great friends.... and I have more time to work on losing even more weight before we go to IVF. I have some time to work on learning some new technologies for work that will be good for my resume. My new friends on my block? They all started having kids around this time in my life. I know I'm not too old and I know I really haven't been trying all that long in the grand scheme of things (2 and a half years).
But staying rational is SO hard. I'm going to do my best to just have fun with these next two months. See if I can do the impossible and not think about IVF or insurance or anything like that until the end of September. Sure, I have a doctors appointment for a second opinion next week - but even if we decide to switch to her, it isn't like she can get my insurance switched any faster either.