Monday, July 30, 2007

Mixed Emotions

Warning - totally off the hip post ahead.

Friday, when I got home, and I told Aaron about the whole 'denied by insurance' fiasco, it ended up in a meltdown on my part of epic proportions. The kind of meltdown that I have only had perhaps 5 times in my adult life - sobbing, screaming, hiccuping...gasping for breath - I'm guessing you other IFers know the one. Even as it was happening I was wishing I could stop. Wishing that I could be totally rational about this whole thing and realize that getting denied this time around only means another month until they can submit again, and I'm pretty much assured approval.

But, I wasn't rational. I find myself being SO resentful for that ectopic pregnancy that I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I was SO hopeful and excited when I got that BFP, as was Aaron. The devastation that it was ectopic was horrible. The false hope that it gave me that at least I could get pregnant on my own - pisses me off now. Aaron and I have been trying for another 6 months since it happened to no avail. AND - if it hadn't happened? I would have been happily moving along with injectables and IUIs, and actually, if those hadn't worked, I would have just been starting IVF at this point. But no. That damn ectopic pregnancy counts as a 'pregnancy' for insurance, and means I no longer qualify for an infertility diagnoses. It also had to happen on the one month I wasn't taking drugs - so can't even count as an ectopic during infertility treatment, which would have also allowed me to move onto IVF sooner.

Instead, I'm sitting here after almost a whole year of no treatment. The fact that we can't submit insurance again until September means that I will need to get another HSG - which was VERY painful for me the first time. I know that it's impacting my relationship - as the stupid cycle of hope shows very obviously in my mood swings throughout the month (which are helped by the hormones, sigh). Sad from CD 26 - 3, levels out cd 4 - 10, gets excited 10 - 20, the nervous waiting and dread sets in on cd21.... I know I'm not telling you all anything new.

But then, at the same time, I'm thankful. I love my life, my husband, my job is decent, I've got great friends.... and I have more time to work on losing even more weight before we go to IVF. I have some time to work on learning some new technologies for work that will be good for my resume. My new friends on my block? They all started having kids around this time in my life. I know I'm not too old and I know I really haven't been trying all that long in the grand scheme of things (2 and a half years).

But staying rational is SO hard. I'm going to do my best to just have fun with these next two months. See if I can do the impossible and not think about IVF or insurance or anything like that until the end of September. Sure, I have a doctors appointment for a second opinion next week - but even if we decide to switch to her, it isn't like she can get my insurance switched any faster either.



chicklet said...

Assvice if I can? When my bitch RE said I couldn't do anything between the Clomid (April) and the IVF (september), I decided to kill May, June, July, and August with exercise and accupuncture. For May and June at least, it really helped the time go by faster to feel like I was doing other healthy things. It still sucked a lot, but helped to kill at least SOME time. Hang in there.

Samantha said...

I completely understand how you feel. There's just nothing more frustrating than thinking that you can get started on something, only to find out that you can't. It's tough, but important, to remind ourselves of the other good things we have going on in our lives, that waiting to get started doesn't mean that everything else in our lives has to be put on hold.

Yeah, this is definitely the kettle calling the pot black...

mamacate said...

I do know that meltdown. All too well. It's well-deserved, I think.

So first of all, it's none of my business, but seriously, seriously, you need a new doctor.

Second of all, I've been wondering about how your first HSG went. Was it shortly before the BFP/ectopic? Because if so, there's a strong chance that you may have tubal factor IF, which means that IVF is practically a slam dunk, and also means you shouldn't do IUI again. And your doc should have investigated this, plus HSG after an ectopic is simple logic--why haven't you had one yet if you're trying on your own? (BTW, make them give you drugs!) The risk of ectopic is a serious health risk, even if they don't care about wasting your time, and HSGs are not 100% accurate. And pain is diagnostic, though sometimes it means that the procedure itself cleared a partial blockage (or opened up a full blockage to partial, which I'm guessing is what happened to you). They should do a hysteroscopy and whatever the next step is to confirm or not tubal blockage. I don't know, you know, I'm not a doctor but I play one on the internet, and I didn't have this experience but more than one of my fellow travelers did at that time and I know they shouldn't just go forward with the risk of ectopic in place.

I really hope you change docs. This guy is jerking you around and you can do way better, and I do think that a new doc may well be able to change the insurance picture. I do think it will take a month or two to get started with a new clinic, but I really think it will be worth it.

Sorry for the rant, which by the way was brought to you by a sick day and some cold medicine. Sorry...

ultimatejourney said...

Insurance is so frustrating sometimes. I hate that they count pregnancies when they don't result in a live birth. I don't blame you at all for having a meltdown.

I second the motion for demanding drugs for the HSG. Local anesthetic is a lifesaver. Take a few tylenol before you go in, and you won't even feel it when they administer it.


karen said...

Insurance companies suck. There is just something wrong with a system that is built around denying people health care. Grr...

But I have to tell you, your ability to deal with all of this s*$t amazes me. I wish I had half of your strength.

Geohde said...

Ahhhhhhh CeCe,

You know how vicariously pissed off and upset I am on your behalf, right?