Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Burned

It's all starting to hit now. The knowledge that I would be getting minimal sleep with a newborn is highlighted by the fact that I'm sleeping with one eye open. I know that I can't stay awake 24 hours a day, but it's still hard to sleep. And even if I do manage to close my eyes, about 50% of the time I'm reliving that night over and over. Which sucks.

I try to keep myself busy during the day, but that is getting hard too, because I'm so tired. My stepmother is here visiting, and she is helpful - but in her 70s and I'm not willing to let her drive and honestly don't even really trust her to watch Maggie while I sleep. It isn't that she isn't good with babies either - I pretty much only trust Aaron and his Aunt Mary (she is the one that stayed in the hospital with Maggie when she was in for observation). And in my heart, I know that is a little silly, but I'm not ready yet to just hand her over to anyone.

And Maggie is a hard baby to figure out. Hulk was so easy - he would cry when he was hungry, tired or needed a diaper change. Maggie cries to eat, then eats, and then seems perfectly fine, she burps, you try to lay her down? Shrieking. Louder than you can imagine. And comforting to a point to hear her use those lungs, but I wish I could comfort her! She isn't rearing back or any of the other classic signs of reflux - and does totally fine so long as she is close to me - like during the day, I can hold her and she sleeps fine. Or I got a swing that goes side to side - she loves that. But at night, we try the Amby Baby bed, and it seems like a failure. I'm tempted to just let her sleep in the swing all night - but that seems like a bad idea. She also doesn't take a pacifier yet - which I do think would be a big help. I let her sleep in bed with me this morning - but while SHE can sleep - I lay there with my eyes wide open making sure I don't roll anywhere near her. So that isn't a solution either.

So - with all that - we are pretty much getting sleep in 2 or 3 hour bits. She will generally need a bottle around 8, and it takes about an hour to get her done with a bottle, diaper change and then all it takes to settle her. Then she'll go for a 2 hour sleep, up at around 11 (which Aaron will wake up for), then I'll do the next one (usually around 3) and then she seems to wake up again at 6:15. But, because she is in the same room as us, even though we take turns with getting out of bed, her crying wakes up the other person. And we can't have someone sleep in the guest room, because we have my stepmother here. At Nina's yesterday, I found that she was up to 7 lbs 10 oz - so maybe as she gains more weight this will settle down? Cameron was never this little, so I think that was some of our success with him.

And thanks for all the words of support. I'm glad that most of you get what I am trying to portray. I try to stay strong, but it's hard. Well meaning people ask me how I'm doing, and then for whatever reason I feel like I'm being judged for either being not sad enough or too sad (depends on the day what my reaction is). Everyone wants to help - and at times I just want to be left alone- but at the same time - I dread being alone. My friends call to check up on me, and I don't want to answer the phone, but I know they need to hear my voice to be sure I'm OK. And some people just push and push and I lose it a little... and I feel like I need to apologize. And then I'm like 'Fuck it'. I'm sick of worrying about how other people feel. I'm trying to concentrate on me, Aaron and my children.

At church on Sunday some random woman I didn't know came up and asked me if I was pregnant again. I was holding Cameron. It was the day of remembrance for those who lost children - and I had stood up and lit a candle for Nora. So I turned to her and said - I gave birth to twins 14 days ago! Hoping to shut her down, assuming she hadn't been at that part of the service. Then she went on to ask if they knew what happened to my daughter. I walked away and she followed me - I turned and just said 'Please just leave me alone'. Seriously. WTF.

So. That is where I am. Now I'm going to try to order Christmas cards. The fun never ends.

22 comments:

Jen said...

Who would ask if you were pregnant again if they knew about the twins??? WTF is damn right!

I had a lot of problems with Jillian and sleep. She just would not sleep anywhere but on me. After a couple weeks and reading Happiest Baby on the Block, I found that should would sleep in the swing (with pacifier and swaddled) for 3-4 hour stretches. So I let her sleep there all night every night. We finally got her to transition from the swing to the crib at about 5 months old. She was also a shrieker, and it was often impossible to do anything about it. It wasn't reflux, just colic or gas. It finally tapered off around 10 weeks or so, but those first few months were rough.

Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

anonymouseandcheese said...

So glad you had a remembrance service like that at your church. You are allowed a free pass right now to behave however you need to in order to survive. Don't make any apologies.

Regarding Maggie's sleep. Do whatever you need to do to survive - not because you lost sweet Nora, but because you have a newborn. She is still so so new that I wouldn't worry about her developing bad habits (i.e. sleeping all night in teh swing) just yet. Even if she does, develop bad habits, you can correct them later.

I always said that the bit of a hassle that we had trying to get Baby Swiss to sleep in her crib for naps (as opposed to being held or being in her baby papasan) was more than worth the benefits we reaped early on of being able to have her go with the flow and/or getting to have lots of sweet cuddles with a newborn.

Hang in there. It may not always feel like it, but you'll make it.

Beautiful Mess said...

One step at a time. If that seems to be too daunting of a task, try one moment at a time. That's all the ass-vice I have, sorry. I wish I had something to say, but I don't. I have an enormous amount of love for you.
*HUGS*

Sara said...

My standard words are always "Do whatever gets you the most sleep." For me, that meant Toby slept on me or glued to my torso in my bed for the first 9 months that he was home. You need sleep to function - and that's the primary issue. It may be in 3 hour chunks for a while - but you at least need that. All of the solutions you mention are fine - figure out which one gets you the most sleep and go with that. And the actual one may change in a few weeks ;)

And skip the worries about being socially sweet with strangers - yup, I agree - you get a free pass for the moment ;)

Kimberly said...

Still thinking of you all.

People can be really rude and awful, even (maybe especially) when they don't even stop to think that they are. No one has the right to judge you - feel how you need to feel, and do what you have to to take care of you and your family.

Big hugs.

Michele said...

Last year, we were pregnant at the Day of Remembrance Mass, where Nicholas and Sophia were remembered. Afterwards, a woman came up to us and said "Congratulations" and then went on to say that God was giving us a new baby because our twins died. I remembered being pissed but it got worse when I delivered Alex a week and a half later and that same woman said "Well, we dont know why God wants some women to remain childless." All I could think was "I'm not childless. My children died." I am so sorry you ran into someone so callous. Church should be sacred ground.

Sending big hugs.

Florrie said...

Hi, I just wanted to tell you that there was a recall last week on all Amby baby hammocks. We used one for our daughter when she was a newborn, and it was great, but now I'm not so sure. Anyway I know you are feeling even more stressed than the average new mama because of your loss, so you may want to put away the Amby for peace of mind. Prayers for you and your family.

calliope said...

beaming love to you, sweetie

amysue said...

You don't owe anyone anything-not explanations or comfort or news unless you feel like it. I never understand how insensitive people can be.

Take care.

Esther and Brian said...

Just wanted to send you hugs...your pain is imaginable and you have the right to feel and so whatever you feel like...no need to appologize for anything or answer stupid questions from stupid people. And yes, when you deliver twins, it takes a little time to get that tummy smaller! It sure does...anyways, just wanted to send you a hug...Esther

Katie said...

I do not want to cause you any alarm, but the Amby bed is being recalled due to an increase in infant suffocation. It is not even available for sale in the US at this point. Sometime in 2010, they should have a repair kit, but in the meantime, they are asking you NOT to use. I just couldn't handle the thought of something else happening to your family, no matter how rare. http://www.ambybaby.com/AmbyBabyRecall12.8.09.pdf

I am keeping all of you in my prayers. You will no doubt continue to encounter the weird and insensitive, but hopefully, the positive interactions with everyone else will far outweigh it.

Geohde said...

I can't believe that lady. SOme people take the cake...


g

knittingknirvana said...

With Maggie's sleeping issue--my son slept in his car seat for quite awhile. It worked great for all of us and my doctor even put her stamp of approval on it. He slept in the car seat in the bassinet in our room and then when he was about 6 weeks old we moved him in the car seat into his crib in his own bedroom. He took day time naps in his swing. He wouldn't sleep at all if he was flat unless he was in bed with us or physically on us. The doctor said it was probably a case of reflux that was so mild that we didn't even know it, but his physical positioning made a world of difference to him. My OB/GYN said that the first 3 months is about doing whatever it takes to keep everyone sleeping and fed--every other detail can get worked out after the first three months.

About people--you are free to do and say whatever you want and not worry about how the general public feels about it. And feel free to tell off that bitch at church. How awful! I only know you through your blog, but man do I wish I had been there so I could have gone up one side of her and down the other!!!!!! The nerve!!!!

Pat said...

My heart just goes out to you. No one can and they certainly shouldn't tell you what you should or should not be feeling. You feel how you feel.

Please do what you need to do for you and your family and don't worry about apologizing to your friends..if they love you they will forgive you anything.

And don't even consider strangers and stupid people. I have never understood why people say the things they do...even my sister-in-law who should have known better. I had a miscarriage after the birth of my first child. Unfortunately I miscarried while I was visiting my husband's family over Thanksgiving. I felt like I had no privacy to deal with my feelings so I mostly just clammed up and didn't say anything. My sister-in-law came up to me and said, "You don't seem too upset about losing your baby." I felt like slapping her. I still hurt 16 years later.

Hugs to you and yours.

weebug said...

things will settle down. sending virtual hugs and real prayers.

heather... said...

I ache for you because I see you going through everything I went through - there is so much pressure in grief and no one ever tells you that. You have a moment where you don't feel like your heart is breaking into bits, and then you suddenly feel guilty that someone might judge you. Even worse, you sometimes judge yourself. You're right, though - you really have to do what is right for you and your husband and children. And you have to give yourself permission to focus on the needs of you four, and not worry about what anyone else might need or think. It's almost impossible to do, I know from experience. But you have at least have to keep that in the back of your mind, you know?

I hurt for you Cece. I have an idea of how this feels for you since I also lost my daughter this year, but even with my own experience, I can't know exactly how it feels for you. I could write a novel to you in the comments here, but please know that there is another grieving mama out there thinking of you,and offering her support whenever you might need it.

Kandi Ann said...

Hi Cece, I am here from Michele's. I have a special place in my heart for twins, both my sets are angel babies. Before the internet and knowing what to do for IC and all. The pain surfaces over 20 yrs later. I Pray for the baby loss Mama's God is guiding me to. It used to be, I would blog hop because I chose after finding out about having aspergers (though recently tested again and they are saying HFA so who knows) and such I had a full hysto so as not to pass on my bad genes, and then promptly wanted a baby, maybe I knew it was safe to want one so blog reading about others kiddos was my only option. I hurt daily, physically and mentally but yet I can and am happy a lot too. No one is the same, no one should dictate how you feel and I know my Angel Babies don't want their Mama sad (though sometimes I can't help it)and my Daughter and Grandson need me in the here and now too.

So many things I want to share and don't know where to start. First, One baby loss Mama I ran across I believe without a doubt saved my Grandson (adopted daughter)by telling her story. We decided when T passed away that attachment parenting was the way we were going, we lost this little mans older brother to the system (bad system here)not a year before and our nerves are still raw. We can be laughing one minute, happy, and then one of us says, its so unfair Trevor isn't with us. The reason I believe that T saved Tj is, Tj face planted in our pleather (twice beleive it or not, yes with us right there)leathery couch but we were on pins and needles after T passed that someone was watching Tj constantly so when he face planted in the couch I freaked, ran to him and then something made me stop for a second to see if he would right himself, he was over 4 mos and for maybe 10 seconds he didn't even move and he didn't even try to breath. I screamed and yolked him up (I know what you mean about the reflex thing!) and he started breathing again. He is almost a year and I told my daughter the other day, that one year mark feel so important but yet other things out there are bad, though he still co sleeps as both of us are "sensitive sleepers with him", he is a loving child and I still think we deprive him some ways because of the loss's we suffered. Yeah we enjoy life but I guess not with abandon like before.

I think of all of us baby loss Mama's a lot, especially when I watched The Christmas Visitor the other day. After their son died in the army? they stopped life, stopped celebrating Christmas and their daughter was forgotten in the pain of the loss. And its hard, so very hard IRL not to let the grief suck you in and forget to enjoy what you have. I know I will see my Angel babies again and I hope they are ok with the fact I want to finally stay here and enjoy my new (3 yrs ish) family. Tonight was a huge milestone. My daughter and I got Matching Tattoo's of Eeyore and were adding each others names when these heal.

I love the picture of your family. Trevor, our lost little man's Birthday is Dec 4, and I know Cams is the 5th and ??? I don't know if that is what keeps me coming back, because your on my mind and I don't forget to Pray for you. I am drawn to your family and I will continue Praying for you. I hope you avoid all the insensitive people and are able to forget how horrible she was. Hugs and Prayers, xoxo, Kandi

serenity said...

The others are right. You are in survival mode right now. Regarding Maggie's sleep: let her sleep wherever she sleeps best right now - if it's the swing? Use it. I have two friends who had their kids sleep in the swing the first 8-10 weeks and BOTH had no sleep issues later on.

And you? Sleep whenever you can, however well you can.

I wish I could give you assvice over the myriad emotions you're going through right now. All I can say is just let yourself feel whatever it is you feel. You don't owe anyone anything, and you've got to do whatever it takes to survive.

Hang in there, sweetie. Thinking of you always.

xxx

Meghan said...

Sending you so much love through the keyboard.

As for Maggies sleep, I'm with everyone else who says take it however you can get it right now. Even the baby books say don't worry about bad habits until 3-4 months. Getting some sleep is the only way you can take care of yourself, Maggie, and hulk.

And I have no words for that bitch in church...

La La said...

I am so sorry that on top of everything else you have to deal with stupid people too. WTF is right!

I wanted to suggest that you might want to look into getting an Angelcare Monitor? I use them on my LO's and it helps me relax a bit at night and not feel so much like you have to always have "one eye open". Its hard to trust anything 100% and as a parent (particularly after experiencing a loss) you never will...but it does help.

((hugs))

sarah said...

I wanted to let you know about the recall of teh amby baby's, but luckily someone else already did.
I just had a m/c, and it isnt' the same as losing a newborn, but the confusion I feel about how to help myself, and how to let others help me is so simlar to what you describe. it is just such a clusterf**k of feelings. I think of you daily.

MyLifeMyWorld & Growing Families said...

Ah yes, sleep deprivation seems to be the #1 issues with newborns, I do hope you can find some routine and situation where everyone can get some sleep. How about one sleeps on the couch, switch every other night? I don't know, it finally got to the point that my daughter just slept with us, I was going delirious.

As for your grief, you'll have good days and not so good days, continue to reach out to those around you and those not involved, shrug them off and take what they say with a grain of salt. They are ingnorant and often rude, some deliberately others just because they are ignorant.

I was just wondering, and not sure if I missed it, what happened to Nora? You may not be ready to talk about the story, but I think it might help me/us to understand a bit better. No pressure, when your ready, if ever. And if I'm being too forward, you can just tell me to MYOB. It certainly is not meant to offend.

Anyway, sending my prayers for healing, for you to feel God in your lives, and for Him to walk through this with you.

Hugs