It's all starting to hit now. The knowledge that I would be getting minimal sleep with a newborn is highlighted by the fact that I'm sleeping with one eye open. I know that I can't stay awake 24 hours a day, but it's still hard to sleep. And even if I do manage to close my eyes, about 50% of the time I'm reliving that night over and over. Which sucks.
I try to keep myself busy during the day, but that is getting hard too, because I'm so tired. My stepmother is here visiting, and she is helpful - but in her 70s and I'm not willing to let her drive and honestly don't even really trust her to watch Maggie while I sleep. It isn't that she isn't good with babies either - I pretty much only trust Aaron and his Aunt Mary (she is the one that stayed in the hospital with Maggie when she was in for observation). And in my heart, I know that is a little silly, but I'm not ready yet to just hand her over to anyone.
And Maggie is a hard baby to figure out. Hulk was so easy - he would cry when he was hungry, tired or needed a diaper change. Maggie cries to eat, then eats, and then seems perfectly fine, she burps, you try to lay her down? Shrieking. Louder than you can imagine. And comforting to a point to hear her use those lungs, but I wish I could comfort her! She isn't rearing back or any of the other classic signs of reflux - and does totally fine so long as she is close to me - like during the day, I can hold her and she sleeps fine. Or I got a swing that goes side to side - she loves that. But at night, we try the Amby Baby bed, and it seems like a failure. I'm tempted to just let her sleep in the swing all night - but that seems like a bad idea. She also doesn't take a pacifier yet - which I do think would be a big help. I let her sleep in bed with me this morning - but while SHE can sleep - I lay there with my eyes wide open making sure I don't roll anywhere near her. So that isn't a solution either.
So - with all that - we are pretty much getting sleep in 2 or 3 hour bits. She will generally need a bottle around 8, and it takes about an hour to get her done with a bottle, diaper change and then all it takes to settle her. Then she'll go for a 2 hour sleep, up at around 11 (which Aaron will wake up for), then I'll do the next one (usually around 3) and then she seems to wake up again at 6:15. But, because she is in the same room as us, even though we take turns with getting out of bed, her crying wakes up the other person. And we can't have someone sleep in the guest room, because we have my stepmother here. At Nina's yesterday, I found that she was up to 7 lbs 10 oz - so maybe as she gains more weight this will settle down? Cameron was never this little, so I think that was some of our success with him.
And thanks for all the words of support. I'm glad that most of you get what I am trying to portray. I try to stay strong, but it's hard. Well meaning people ask me how I'm doing, and then for whatever reason I feel like I'm being judged for either being not sad enough or too sad (depends on the day what my reaction is). Everyone wants to help - and at times I just want to be left alone- but at the same time - I dread being alone. My friends call to check up on me, and I don't want to answer the phone, but I know they need to hear my voice to be sure I'm OK. And some people just push and push and I lose it a little... and I feel like I need to apologize. And then I'm like 'Fuck it'. I'm sick of worrying about how other people feel. I'm trying to concentrate on me, Aaron and my children.
At church on Sunday some random woman I didn't know came up and asked me if I was pregnant again. I was holding Cameron. It was the day of remembrance for those who lost children - and I had stood up and lit a candle for Nora. So I turned to her and said - I gave birth to twins 14 days ago! Hoping to shut her down, assuming she hadn't been at that part of the service. Then she went on to ask if they knew what happened to my daughter. I walked away and she followed me - I turned and just said 'Please just leave me alone'. Seriously. WTF.
So. That is where I am. Now I'm going to try to order Christmas cards. The fun never ends.