Thursday, December 24, 2009


Finally, I'm alone in the house with Maggie. Cam is in daycare, all visitors are DONE (until tomorrow when my mom comes for the day - but no more overnight visitors. Ever.). I spent the morning doing some grocery shopping, gave Maggie a bottle, and she is currently sleeping - not on me. Which is another big step. I cleaned up the kitchen, did some toy culling in anticipation of the huge haul of toys Hulk is getting (We bought him a train set. That is it. You can't IMAGINE the amount of toys this kid will be opening tomorrow). I even wrapped presents and there is stuff in Aaron's stocking! So - we are ready for Christmas. We are even having some family members over tonight for cocktails. A small degree of normalcy. It feels good.

It's been rough, this past week. I spent a large amount of Monday afternoon crying. Maggie still is a bit challenging - but now I think I have her somewhat figured out. Monday we went to the baby friendly movie (Avatar! Awesome!) and when we got in the car to go home, she just started crying and wouldn't stop. I pulled over and was in the back seat trying to calm her down, and I just LOST it. Nothing I was doing was helping, and I was almost out of gas and just so tired and facing 4 more days with my mother in law visiting (we asked her to stay somewhere else so Aaron didn't need to sleep on the couch, and she said that she NEEDED to stay here. AUGH). And it all cascaded to me just being super sad about the huge combination of everything. To top it off, the two of us finally stopped crying, and I was driving home, and I answered the phone and just started bawling to a massage therapist that I barely know... I had called to set up an appointment and the poor woman just called back. Of course, the first words out of her mouth were 'How are you' (if no one every asks me that again I will be very thankful). I started to say - good. But seriously? I'm NOT good. I'm sad. And angry. And miserable. But you can never answer with that, can you? Anyway, I felt like such a freak. But it had to happen at some point, right?

But - back to Maggie. I've been giving her Gripe water with each bottle, and she's been loads better. It's either colic or gas (or are those the same things?). And I've gotten accustomed to her crying, which is just at such a fevered pitch compared to Hulk's that I was SURE something was wrong. Now I know it's just her way. I've taken to calling her the Great and All Powerful Maggie (like the Great and All Powerful Oz?) because once that screaming starts, all adults in the room mobilize to do her bidding.

I'm starting to get angry about the whole situation, which I'm told is a good thing. I'm angry this had to happen to us. I'm god damned sick on being on the very shitty end of the statistics (unexplained infertility, FIL having a stroke at 60, SIDS - all such a low likelihood of happening and ALL happening to us within a year). I'm sick of people asking how I am... or telling me their awful stories of how they lost a child. Surprisingly it doesn't help AT all to hear another super sad story of another family that lost child. I'm also sick of angels. They've been coming into our house in all forms - ornaments, cards, freaking statues.... with some sort of sentiment that says - to help you remember Nora. Like I'm going to forget her! WTF!!! A friend told me the other day that her sister lost a daughter at a very young age, and she had enough angels to decorate a whole Christmas tree the next year. Augh! That isn't going to happen here. I should warn everyone - the next angel to enter this house may end up lodged in the givers rear end. Even though I fully understand that they mean well. That's another hard thing. I know that everyone means well, but sometimes I just want to SCREAM when people look at me with their sad faces or ask how I'm doing or whatever. I don't... because I know they mean well. But damn, it would feel good to just lose it on someone.

Deep Sigh. I'm happy that we are somewhat on our own now. I'm thankful that we still have help pouring in through friends that are bringing us dinner, because on Monday, if someone hadn't brought us something, we would have just sat on the couch and cried and not eaten. And I've already lost at least 40 if not 50 pounds, and I only gained 20 with the pregnancy. Someone actually commented on how great I looked the other day - and bitchy me said 'Well, at least I look good.'

OK - I hear the All Powerful stirring in the other room. Better go do her bidding. She is really starting to fill out - up to 8 lbs 5 ozs on Tuesday! Go Maggie go!


Esther and Brian said...

I will not even pretend to understand how you are and how you are feeling. I am just sending you a big hug, if you will accept!

I wanted to ask you about possible trying GentleEase formula for Maggie? My Eric was very similar, just cried and cried for a very long time, did not sleep well. He did have reflux, not a horrible case but he still had it. Medication helped (prevacid). But also giving him Enfamil's GentleEase really helped. It's still the "same" formula as regular Enfamil but the proteins are more broken down and often times it helps those little tummies. If you are using Similar, I believe that they may have somthing similar, too...

Just wanted to see if that might help Maggie feel better...

Esther and Brian said...

Ok, sorry for all the misspelled words! I do how to spell, just not today!

Kate said...

i have been reading but not commenting, bc i don't want to intrude... but i wanted to suggest trying a formula for fussy babies-- we used similac's & it worked WONDERS. i think the problem we had was gas, but wahtever it was, switching formulas helped. i hear enfamil's is also good. i have a cousin whose baby had colic & she swore by it & gripe water.

i'm so glad maggie is doing so well, she sounds like she runs the house already :)

Sara said...

You know - I'd be more worried if you were not feeling some of the range of things you're feeling. I so get that on the angel thing - it's different, but when Toby was born so early, I got freaking sick of folks going on about what a "miracle" he was. Luckily there wasn't some tangible icon of miracles so no one sent us any - but that's kinda funny about having the resources for a tree full of angels. I suggest some sort of twisted outdoor tree for them ;) Compounding the issue on your end - angle ornaments etc. are in plentiful supply this time of year.

In all seriousness - eesh re the houseguests - IMO this is really a time that should be all about YOUR needs not those of extended family members in terms of hotels etc.

It's entirely unfair that all of this has happened to you - and while it may sound trite, I wish you better things come 2010.

hang in there - there are a lot of folks rooting for you grin. Merry merry - and have a blessed holiday.

HereWeGoAJen said...

Well, anger sounds about right to me. I am very angry about what has happened to your family.

Thinking about you guys.

sarah said...

My mother, who lost a child at an older age can still get angry when people say "I don't know how you went on."
Her resopnse is "What else could I do, asshole!"
I so hear you on the angels. And the image of it lodged in a butt crack made me laugh out loud.

Carrie27 said...

A screamer? I had one for months. Ended up, he was silent refluxing and had eczema. He outgrew the reflux by a year and only has flair ups of the other. I hope you can find what makes Maggie happy.

Oh, and I would let you totally unload on me to help in any way I can.

heather... said...

I broke all the angels one day. The first one was an accident, and the others? Well, I SAID they were accidents. At first, I felt guilty afterward. But then I realized that people sent them to make me feel better, and breaking them felt GREAT.

Being around other parents that lost kids was hard for me for the same reason you said - which is why group therapy DID NOT WORK for me. Just wait - once you've been in the angry phase for a week, people will start whispering about how you should go to therapy. Because, you know, being told to talk to a shrink TOTALLY won't make you more angry.

Geohde said...

Okay, I don't think I sent something with an angel on it, i really hope I didn't, because I'd hate to get an email askign I insert one up my OWN arse.

You are doing great in a really shitty situation,



Molly said...

I have to admit I also wouldn't know what to say and what to do. Would you mind perhaps writting a post what you would like people to do and say? Like you said, they always mean well but sometimes they do more harm then good, and if you help with a post they will know what to do

emily said...

Cece I must agree with you on:
1--no more visitors. yay!
2--screaming babies really get to me too, it's torture.
3--"at least I look good" is an excellent (and quite funny, in a dark and twisty way) response. I have said "I know" more than once. not what people expect.

Merry Christmas to you!

Sara said...

Well, I hate that I know where you are coming from but I do. I totally understand. It sucks.

I think that anything you feel is normal. Totally normal. Whether you are sad or pissed or depressed or whatever - normal.

People grieve differently. It took me a long time to realize that people just didn't know what to say to me.

I think of you often and I am just so sorry that this has happened to you.

Jen said...

I think gas and colic are essentially the same thing, and I never found a good solution with Jillian other then bearing through it. We did play with formula quite a bit and she was on Gentleease for a while and then later Soy. Even now she drinks Lactaid instead of regular milk.

And hey if you feel bitchy or sad or out of control let it slide. I'd say that you get to feel however you feel at this point in time.

MyLifeMyWorld & Growing Families said...

Let the anger out, it's all a part of the healing. You have a right to be angry, it's a lot you've been through.

Wendy said...

Haven't you heard how the angel got on top of the Christmas Tree? Santa was having a REALLY bad day when there was a knock at the door. When he answered it, Santa found a very little angel holding a huge fir tree. The angel asked "Santa, where would you like me to stick this?"