Finally, I'm alone in the house with Maggie. Cam is in daycare, all visitors are DONE (until tomorrow when my mom comes for the day - but no more overnight visitors. Ever.). I spent the morning doing some grocery shopping, gave Maggie a bottle, and she is currently sleeping - not on me. Which is another big step. I cleaned up the kitchen, did some toy culling in anticipation of the huge haul of toys Hulk is getting (We bought him a train set. That is it. You can't IMAGINE the amount of toys this kid will be opening tomorrow). I even wrapped presents and there is stuff in Aaron's stocking! So - we are ready for Christmas. We are even having some family members over tonight for cocktails. A small degree of normalcy. It feels good.
It's been rough, this past week. I spent a large amount of Monday afternoon crying. Maggie still is a bit challenging - but now I think I have her somewhat figured out. Monday we went to the baby friendly movie (Avatar! Awesome!) and when we got in the car to go home, she just started crying and wouldn't stop. I pulled over and was in the back seat trying to calm her down, and I just LOST it. Nothing I was doing was helping, and I was almost out of gas and just so tired and facing 4 more days with my mother in law visiting (we asked her to stay somewhere else so Aaron didn't need to sleep on the couch, and she said that she NEEDED to stay here. AUGH). And it all cascaded to me just being super sad about the huge combination of everything. To top it off, the two of us finally stopped crying, and I was driving home, and I answered the phone and just started bawling to a massage therapist that I barely know... I had called to set up an appointment and the poor woman just called back. Of course, the first words out of her mouth were 'How are you' (if no one every asks me that again I will be very thankful). I started to say - good. But seriously? I'm NOT good. I'm sad. And angry. And miserable. But you can never answer with that, can you? Anyway, I felt like such a freak. But it had to happen at some point, right?
But - back to Maggie. I've been giving her Gripe water with each bottle, and she's been loads better. It's either colic or gas (or are those the same things?). And I've gotten accustomed to her crying, which is just at such a fevered pitch compared to Hulk's that I was SURE something was wrong. Now I know it's just her way. I've taken to calling her the Great and All Powerful Maggie (like the Great and All Powerful Oz?) because once that screaming starts, all adults in the room mobilize to do her bidding.
I'm starting to get angry about the whole situation, which I'm told is a good thing. I'm angry this had to happen to us. I'm god damned sick on being on the very shitty end of the statistics (unexplained infertility, FIL having a stroke at 60, SIDS - all such a low likelihood of happening and ALL happening to us within a year). I'm sick of people asking how I am... or telling me their awful stories of how they lost a child. Surprisingly it doesn't help AT all to hear another super sad story of another family that lost child. I'm also sick of angels. They've been coming into our house in all forms - ornaments, cards, freaking statues.... with some sort of sentiment that says - to help you remember Nora. Like I'm going to forget her! WTF!!! A friend told me the other day that her sister lost a daughter at a very young age, and she had enough angels to decorate a whole Christmas tree the next year. Augh! That isn't going to happen here. I should warn everyone - the next angel to enter this house may end up lodged in the givers rear end. Even though I fully understand that they mean well. That's another hard thing. I know that everyone means well, but sometimes I just want to SCREAM when people look at me with their sad faces or ask how I'm doing or whatever. I don't... because I know they mean well. But damn, it would feel good to just lose it on someone.
Deep Sigh. I'm happy that we are somewhat on our own now. I'm thankful that we still have help pouring in through friends that are bringing us dinner, because on Monday, if someone hadn't brought us something, we would have just sat on the couch and cried and not eaten. And I've already lost at least 40 if not 50 pounds, and I only gained 20 with the pregnancy. Someone actually commented on how great I looked the other day - and bitchy me said 'Well, at least I look good.'
OK - I hear the All Powerful stirring in the other room. Better go do her bidding. She is really starting to fill out - up to 8 lbs 5 ozs on Tuesday! Go Maggie go!