- Drinking too much coffee. I haven't slept a full night in over two years. If I need caffeine to make it through the day, who cares?
- Going to the gym. Sure, I like to go. And yes, I spend $28 a month on a membership. But if I only can mange to go once a week? That is fine!
- My flabby belly. Giving birth to 3 babies in less than a year will do that. I wasn't thin before, so I need to get over it that I'm not thin now.
- Drinking alcohol. I can have a drink every night if I want! I wasn't drinking at all because I somehow decided that I shouldn't 'need' a drink to calm down. Well, guess what!? If a glass of wine or a gin and tonic helps calm me down at the end of the day (a day that involves a toddler that seems to only whine, a 5 month old that cries a lot, two needy dogs and working full time), so be it. It isn't like I'm getting wasted every night*
- A clean house. HA HA HA. I have this delusion that I can keep my house nice and clean. And tidy. HAHAHA.
- Worrying about Maggie and her sleep. And her eating. And when she'll start sitting up. I'm just going to let this go. Sure, I want her to sleep all night. But guess what? She is my last baby, and this too shall pass. If we have to stumble into her room every night and fed her a bottle to get her back to bed, so be it (thankfully Aaron agrees and we have been rotating nights). With Hulk I was so much more laid back, and I really want to be in that same place with her. I need to figure out how to get there.
- Worrying about Maggie when she IS sleeping. Last night, she kept pulling her little tag blanket over her face. And freaking me out. Even though I KNEW it was fine. I finally let myself go in and take it off her face (When I got back to bed, I watched her on the video monitor, and she rolled a bit, did a deep sigh, and pulled it BACK OVER HER FACE. She is out to get me.) She is big enough and strong enough that she is rolling onto her belly at night - so in my heart of hearts I know a little blanket isn't going to do anything.... but that is the place I'm in.
And I'm a bit angry about the mental place I'm in. I hate it that our culture has made it so I AM worrying about the above things. That too much caffeine or alcohol or not enough exercise or what your children eat or drink and if they sleep or don't are all some sort of reflection on you. Like I would be a better person if I only drank water, was a size 6, had a house that looked like it belonged in a magazine, a baby that slept through the night, a toddler that calmly used baby sign language to communicate and ate all his dinner every night. It's total bullshit and I wish I could let it all go. So that is what I'm trying. Because really. Too much caffeine? One drink a night? Not going to the gym every day?! Letting Hulk go to bed after a dinner of peaches and crackers? Jesus. Some people wish that this was what they were stressing out about.
* I have to say, I was watching the morning news and they were doing a big report on stay at home moms that drink during the day. I laughed out loud when I watched that. Because I can totally see it. Throw some vodka in your water bottle and the fact that your toddler WILL NOT STOP WHINING doesn't seem all that bad. Ha!