Friday, May 7, 2010

Please make it stop

Maggie slept all night on Weds night. From 7 PM to 5 Am. Aaron and I were awake from 1 AM forward. Neither talking to the other, because to admit that we were awake would be admitting defeat in some sort of way. I laid there pretending to be asleep so I wouldn't have to be the one to go check on her in case there was something wrong.


And Aaron admitted later that he had the very same issue. I know that people are going to comment that they had that same feeling the first time their baby slept through the night, but I'm going to say it the nicest way I can - you didn't. You really don't know the deep, dark sinking feeling that your baby, who has never slept more that 7 hours - has not made a peep for 10 hours and what that may mean.

I hate it. I hate that the further I get from Nora's death, that I sometimes feel worse. I know it's two steps forwards and one back, but I hate this. I had to take benadryl last night just to fall asleep, because I'm freaking out. We are doing pretty well now, but if something else were to happen? Seriously? I know that I wouldn't make it. I just wouldn't. No one is that strong. And I really want to NOT be that person. The one who goes through life waiting for the other shoe to fall - because really, it already has, right? After infertility, an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage and then the loss of our baby - it seems like enough for a lifetime. But what if it isn't.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

This weekend we are going to Nantucket to see Aaron's mom for Mother's Day - and since I'm in the mood to divulge deep, dark secrets... I've finally come to acknowledge that I'm not going to get to enjoy Mother's day until our parents are gone. My mom is pissed that I'm not going to see her (when we haven't seen Aaron's mom on Mother's day since we've met) and I'm 100% sure that there will be drama this weekend, as that is the way Aaron's family rolls. And I am stressing out over mother's day gifts and cards not sent and all that shit and I'm just tired and annoyed and guess I need to just let it out, huh?


Carrie27 said...

I hate that holidays have to turn into these big ordeals where you can't please everyone.

Yes, many of us have had fears while our babies sleep, but the fear you must have is definitely uncomparable. Hugs.

Heather said...

I wanted so bad to be on this "side" for a Mother's Day and now - I just completely hate the entire holiday. Like you said, guilt and drama...

I hope the nights get better and you find some peace.

Anonymous said...

I hate this, too.
I have held my dead baby. I have held a child who wasn't breathing. My husband and I still obsessively check that our living child – he's almost 2 - is still, well, living.
Yet my SIL, when my little guy was a baby, would insist that she had checked on her two (effortlessly produced) daughters the same way.
Umm, no. No you didn't because you were not thinking every.single.time that this was the end, the moment you knew would come.
The only thing that helped was having our little guy in a crib at the foot of our bed for a year. I recommend it.

Jennifer said...

about Mother's Day - OMG - same here. I am almost dreading the day because I want it to be about ME and my child and not always about my mom and MIL. I mean, theya re great women who have raised great kids, if I do say so myself - but when does it become about ME and celebrating MY motherhood?

Anonymous said...

To anonymous, I dont think your SIL is entirely lying. I haven't lost a child but I fear beyond all the means that something will happen to my daughter and I get up every half an hour to check on her. And to Cece, I actually do feel like you, I feel like something will happen to her. I think that even parents that haven't lost a child may be able to feel like you do. I don't sleep at nights and she has never slept longer then 6 hours at once but I can't sleep and I keep checking on her all night long, even more then you do, it seems. I can't let go. I have never stayed in the bed when I had an opportunity to go check on her. And the older she gets, the worse my feeling is getting (and it shouldn't) Hang in there, you're not alone...

serenity said...

I'm not a fan of Mother's Day either, for the similar reasons. Because what we do to "celebrate" the day is the LAST thing I WANT to do. But it's family, and they've been mothers longer than me, and it's an excuse to get together.

And to being freaked out about Maggie sleeping through the night? I can't imagine NOT feeling that panic after going through what you have. And I won't even pretend to understand the depth of it, either.


Becky said...

Ok confession time, when my son, 9months old, sleeps through the night, like last night, 7:30pm to 6am, i feel guilty that i slept too and didnt' wake up at his normal 3:00 diaper change/feeding. We were both exhausted last night, after swim lessons, and he went to bed almost an hour late. I feel like i should of woken up and check on him!!! I've been feeling this all morning, so your post today reallly hit home. I also can not fall asleep with out checking on him, and of course making sure he is breathing. I will never know what you are going through, but i can offer you some kind words, 'your an awesome strong woman'. Your husband and kids are very, very, lucky to have you in there lives!! Happy Mother day "Hugs" all the way from florida!!!!!
p.s. your dogs are lucky too, can't forget the boxers!

Heather said...

We had a stillborn. A very different situation, but still the death paranoia seemed to last for a year. I could have cared less if our parents or siblings died (terrible, but at the time very true), but I was sure that either my husband or older daughter would die. I would plan the funerals in my head. It was awful.

And yes, after looking forward to celebrating Mother's Day for so many years, it turns out much of it is a big pain in the ass. But then that's all of life, isn't it? Maybe I just need to expect everything to be a pain in the ass, so I can be pleasantly suprised when things go smoothly.

Teri said...

Hi CeCe,
I have told all of my kids that they should do what makes them happy. That when they have kids, they should stay home with them on holidays and the grandparents can come to them. You can't make everyone happy and you shouldn't try. I say, if someone is going to be pissed off, piss them all off, send cards and stay home and let the day be special for you.

I do understand completely about being afraid. I wouldn't begin to offer advice about that. I just hope that it gets better.

emily said...


edie & ella said...

.....and add to all that no sleep and girl you must be just spent!!!

You are totally right that those of us who have not gone through what you have could not possibly have the same fears. It must be so hard to not just pick up and camp out next to her crib on the floor.

Have fun this weekend drama and all ... you are a fantastic mom and deserve a fantastic Mothers Day.

Thanks for keeping us updated!!!

Ruby Girl said...

That's family for should have just been sick like I was and still am and couldn't go anywhere, and with my boys to far away to visit me, well lucky I was sick. So I guess I can't say I didn't enjoy it as I didn't have it. As for the other feelings I guess that may never go away, it is how you get to deal with it I guess, and having said that, I don't deal with feelings like that, maybe no-one does. Enjoy what you have, as hard as that may seem sometimes as our feelings can and do run our lives. A big hug to you now and whenever you are feeling....well the way you only know how you feel about things. I hope you get what I am saying.