Maggie slept all night on Weds night. From 7 PM to 5 Am. Aaron and I were awake from 1 AM forward. Neither talking to the other, because to admit that we were awake would be admitting defeat in some sort of way. I laid there pretending to be asleep so I wouldn't have to be the one to go check on her in case there was something wrong.
And Aaron admitted later that he had the very same issue. I know that people are going to comment that they had that same feeling the first time their baby slept through the night, but I'm going to say it the nicest way I can - you didn't. You really don't know the deep, dark sinking feeling that your baby, who has never slept more that 7 hours - has not made a peep for 10 hours and what that may mean.
I hate it. I hate that the further I get from Nora's death, that I sometimes feel worse. I know it's two steps forwards and one back, but I hate this. I had to take benadryl last night just to fall asleep, because I'm freaking out. We are doing pretty well now, but if something else were to happen? Seriously? I know that I wouldn't make it. I just wouldn't. No one is that strong. And I really want to NOT be that person. The one who goes through life waiting for the other shoe to fall - because really, it already has, right? After infertility, an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage and then the loss of our baby - it seems like enough for a lifetime. But what if it isn't.
And that's all I'm going to say about that.
This weekend we are going to Nantucket to see Aaron's mom for Mother's Day - and since I'm in the mood to divulge deep, dark secrets... I've finally come to acknowledge that I'm not going to get to enjoy Mother's day until our parents are gone. My mom is pissed that I'm not going to see her (when we haven't seen Aaron's mom on Mother's day since we've met) and I'm 100% sure that there will be drama this weekend, as that is the way Aaron's family rolls. And I am stressing out over mother's day gifts and cards not sent and all that shit and I'm just tired and annoyed and guess I need to just let it out, huh?