Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A moment of calm

Now that the Thanksgiving/Maggie birthday craziness is past - I have a few moments of calm before the weekend and Cameron's 2nd birthday on Sunday. I was worried for a bit that it was going to be a rough one - Nora died on the 4th. But, Aaron and I took some time to talk about it - and we both think we are going to be OK. I cried when I was carrying in Maggie's cake and singing Happy Birthday - because damn it - she should be sharing this day with her sister. And I have been thinking a lot about Nora lately.

We talked a little bit about what we should do. Should we do something for Nora on her birthday? But then it would cast a shadow on Maggie's day. What about on the 4th? We did get a candle during her naming ceremony during the memorial service, and I was thinking of maybe lighting that on the 4th. But, honestly, I just don't want have a 'memorial' day either. We are going to live our lives and celebrate our wonderful living children. We are going to stick with our plan to plant flowers near Nora's tree when it is beautiful and bursting with pink blooms in the spring. I don't need to set aside a special time to remember Nora. I can never forget her. She is in my heart and I hold her close always.

I felt like sometimes, people judge a little because I'm not doing things like lighting candles or having a little cake for Nora or something like that. I have lucked into a wonderful friend whose brother died when he was 8. She told me that her mother had a rough time getting past his death, but as a family they also didn't do any memorial things and she doesn't even remember when his birthday was. But her mom did talk about the fun times they had with him... he was never forgotten, but also, wasn't a constant topic of conversation. And that makes me feel better about how we are choosing to deal with Nora. As the kids get older, we will talk about Maggie's big sister, how she was with us for 5 days, and that we miss her... and then we will continue to celebrate our lives and the joy that all of our children have brought to it.

13 comments:

Heather said...

The memorial day doesn't work for me either. I think your plans sound perfect.

Janet said...

Totally agree. You don't need a memorial day. Every day you think about her. Do what works for you and don't worry about everyone else! Sending a big hug your way!

sukeyknits said...

For the record I like the way you guys are remembering Nora and don't forget it's all about what fits best for the folks involved and that it doesn't have to be set in stone but can evolve and change over time, and should. You know you're on the right track with such two beautiful and happy kids that smile and laugh so much, even when they're learning to share :)

Melanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melanie said...

What you choose to do as a family will always be what works for you. Never let someone else's ideas dictate what you need for yourself and your family. I wanted you to know that I thought about you this weekend and yesterday as our children turned one. I have hesitated to post comments, but wanted you to know that I think of you often.

Carrie27 said...

Why must people judge? It is your grief, not theirs. I think celebrating her every day is a great idea.

HereWeGoAJen said...

She's your Nora so whatever your choice for remembering her ought to be good enough for everyone else. I think you are making exactly the right call.

Tara said...

I think that you are doing a beautiful job of keeping her memory alive. To heck with anyone who feels differently, they can deal with it in their own way too.

Big hugs to you.

Kahla said...

I think your plan sounds perfect. I was an identical twin and when we were six weeks old my sister died from SIDS. I have known for as long as I can remember that I was a twin and she died, but it's not something we talk about every day. My mom said when I was younger I would do things like ask for two balloons when I got one and would let one go to heaven for Katie or just simple things like that (not that I remember). We have not forgotten her, but our family didn't focus on her. does that make sense? sending hugs your way.

Michele said...

You have to do what is best for you. For some people, like me, that is keeping constant reminders as I do of my living children, but for other people, that isn't the right thing for them. No one should judge you for how you handle it; God knows it isnt a situation anyone "knows" how to handle... We just do the best we can.

Do what is in your heart. That is the right thing for you :)

Nearlydawn said...

I like that you remembered Nora, but that you carried on with the celebration. You are right, she should have been there. I'm guessing the fact that she isn't will always make it a bittersweet day.

I'm on the same page with you... I haven't tried to memorialize the losses I've had. None of mine have measured against yours, but they are what I know.

Anna Claire said...

I'm a completely random stranger - I happened to read a response post you left over at free-range parenting, and I clicked over to your blog. I read this post about your girls' birthday and just wanted to tell you thanks for writing it. I had twin boys in May, and our younger son, Graham, died six days after he was born, of complications from prematurity (they were 12 weeks early). I'm already wondering about the birthday celebration for our son Will, and how much to include Graham in the day. I have met a few other moms who lost one twin and they make a huge deal about it often (which is absolutely fine)...but my husband and I have always felt uncomfortable "memorializing" Graham and don't want to cast a shadow over our son Will's birthday next year by doing so. Your post made me feel more "normal" about this - thank you.

Angeluna said...

My heart aches for you. But I think you are handling things very well. It is important that Maggie have a joyous birthday that is hers. You honor Nora every day in your heart and your thoughts.

I lost my grown son two years ago to leukemia. I think of him every minute of every day, but I've stopped talking about it. I don't honor him less because of that. Life just has to go on.