Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sad Things

So. At the church Aaron and I attend, there was a couple who had a lot of problems getting pregnant - and we were all very excited when they announced they were due in Oct. As both our pregnancies progressed, we compared notes (they didn't find out the sex, they we trying for a homebirth - so pretty different!). Turns out she had a hemorrhage of some sort, and ended up finding they were having a baby boy. The last I saw her, she was a week over due and still on track for a home birth.

Then, we got an email from the pastor, and we find out that she 'lost' the baby. I don't know any details - but I was shocked! We never heard anymore details (and I'm not sure I want to anyway, not when I'm 34 weeks pregnant myself- no need to have new things to obsess over). They are having a service of loss and remembrance on Tuesday. My first instinct is to go - of course. But then, I got nervous. It isn't like we were best friends, just two pregnant ladies comparing symptoms and talking about baby gear. Would me showing up, visibly pregnant, be awful for her? And Aaron is nervous that me going would be, if not an issue for her, traumatic for me. I feel like I'll be OK - but this is the same woman who cries at each and every episode of Baby Story on TLC.

What would you do? I've got a babysitter lined up for Hulk (the service is at 7 PM). Aaron is willing to go alone to show our family's support.

14 comments:

Kristina said...

I would totally go. She needs support no matter what state you are in right now. If it were me and I were her, I would want you to go. Support is all she needs right now.

Look What A Bargain said...

Personally I dont think with your big tummy, a pregnancy friend, belongs there. You can call her.

Becky said...

wow, i'm almost in tears too and i dont' even know this woman, how horrible, i can't even imagine what i would of done if something like that happend to Nich, jus so sad.

ok i probably wouldn't go, being 'so' pregnant and all, i'm sure if she sees you it would be hard for her.

Deborah said...

I think I'd have Aaron go by himself. It'll still show family support, but if your friendship was totally based on the pregnancy, it would be hard to have you there.

Sara said...

I think there's really no right answer. I do think you need to somehow acknowledge how difficult it is either way. What tends to happen in situations like this is that no one says anything (and e.g., stays away but never acknowledges the difficulty or issue). She does need your support and thoughts...and it's a very real part of it that you have been sharing your pregnancies together. You are going to cross paths at some point...if it were me, depending on how close I was to her, I'd probably call directly and find some tactful way to give her the option of saying "please come" or "can I see you after the service?".

Megan said...

I'm not sure there is a right answer either...perhaps a call and a card? So sad...

HereWeGoAJen said...

Hmm, I think I would go. Just do your best to not flaunt your pregnancy. But from what I've read online, I think I would go. A lot of people say that it hurts worse to be avoided and ignored. My opinion is go, say sorry and that it really sucks, and offer to do something concrete, like bring them dinner next Tuesday (you know what I mean).

Jen said...

Oh no. That is so awful. Honestly I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes.

Cathy-Cate said...

That is so hard. And hard to know what to do.

I think that she would both appreciate the support and at the same time find it hard to be reminded of your mutual hopes by your belly. And you're not close enough that you HAVE to be there. I'd say a card and/or call (if you feel a call is appropriate with your level of communication); and possibly sending your husband with your expressions of support and condolence.

I personally think it would be pretty hard on you too, to go.

Wishing 4 One said...

That is so sad. I don't know what I' do though? My instinct would be like yours- to go, but then again maybe not? Sorry not much help here, maybe call her day after service and/or send a card? So sad man....

Jennifer said...

I wouldn't go with my preggo belly...let your husband go for you both. Best to send a note or make a phone call.

La La said...

Wow, that's a tough one. I don't know what I'd do. Good luck with whatever you decide though...that poor family. =(

Julie said...

What sad news. I think there is no right or wrong answer. Personally, I'd try to go but I'm not sure I'd be strong enough. I think the grieving mother would appreciate your going, but would also understand if you didn't. I think you should just see how you feel when the time comes.

Lucia said...

This is a really tough call, because it's hard to know what she would want. How well does your pastor know her? Could you ask him? Or, as several people have suggested, you could call her and try to get a sense of what would be easiest for her -- and for you.