Thursday, June 28, 2012

Collateral Damage

IF for me, it's a far way off. Over 7 years have passed since I first started dealing with IF. 4 years since my last cycle. During those years of IF, I have a lot of stories, a lot of breakdowns, a lot of drama. But yesterday, one of the sources of a bit of drama showed up in a totally unexpected place.

Here is the back story: It was about 3 weeks after my ectopic pregnancy. I was a HUGE wreck. My quilting friends and I go away every fall to a girls weekend. Aaron FORCED me to go (I didn't want to be seperated from him AT ALL). At first, I was having a blast. Then I started to get more and more sad - and one of the reasons was that there was a woman (well meaning, of course) who had already gone through many years of IVF, had all the heartbreak, joined RESOLVE and had just adopted a baby. She was over the moon about this baby. Showing me pictures, telling everyone stories. Which, at first, I was totally into. But, I wasn't in the best mental state. And she kept telling me to just not do IVF. To focus on adoption. That IVF was a waste of time. Over and over and over.

My friends watched me go from my normal self to wanting to go home and pulling away from the group as the weekend continued. I started doubting that IVF would ever work for me, that I'd never have my 'own' baby, getting more and more nervous about the whole idea of assisted reproduction (I had my ectopic naturally - so hadn't yet done anything stronger than clomid). I was at the point of leaving the weekend because this woman just wouldn't stop talking about RESOLVE and adoption and how awful IVF was.... when finally my girl friends cornered her at the fabric store and told her to LAY OFF. And she did. Looking back it's easy to see how she just wanted to help. And that she was crazy excited about her newborn. That certainly isn't how I saw it at the time.

As a coping mechanism, even though she is in my circle of acquaintances. I’ve been very careful to not cross paths with her. Not that she was mean or anything, but my only memory of her was that she made me feel bad.

Guess who is on this new swim team I've joined? And guess who is a perfectly wonderful person to talk to and share stories with? I didn't even recognize her (everyone looks weird with bathing caps and goggles on). But after practice, we were chit-chatting and we finally realized who each other was. At first, I got a tightness in my belly - but then it came to me. This poor woman was collateral damage to my issues. I was such a hormonal mess after that ectopic (it took almost 2 months for my HCG to get back to zero). And looking back, she was just enthusiastic about her success in adoption and wanting to spare me the pain she dealt with in IVF (which, although mine wasn't as bad - I knew after Cam was born that I wasn't willing to go through it again). So, I've got a friendly face to hang out with at swim team! And she has a 3 year old and invited us to hang out with her at the pool.

And life moves on. Funny, that.


BrandiH said...

Funny how circumstances can change everything. Glad you are able to be friends now!

HereWeGoAJen said...

I'm glad it worked out. :)

Deborah said...

I'm glad you were able to see that she meant well, and that you're able to be friends now. I've read so many blogs whose authors are so offended by people who clearly meant well, like this woman did. There is something very healing, I think, about it coming full circle and now just being 2 moms who can hang out.

Cece said...

That is exactly how I feel.