Friday, May 11, 2007

Raining on my parade

After Aaron and I took our day off together, I came back to work on Thursday in a bit of a funk. Like many other IF bloggers, I sit at this job for the security that it brings. I've been here for 7 years, and gotten several promotions, and have my managers 'trained' well. They know what I'm going through, they know I do good work, and have allowed me as much time as I need to deal with IF treatments, the ectopic, etc (obviously not EXTRA days off, but never questioning what is going on). I get a good salary, I really understand what I'm doing, we get 4 weeks paid vacation PLUS 8 sick days... plus 3 months maternity leave.

On the flip side, I've gotten to the management level. I'm rarely learning new things, and due to cost cutting, even though my team has 10 people, only one is a full time employee - so my mentoring options are pretty low too. And - some of the policies of this place make me angry. But - I don't look for a new job because I'm still decently happy here and know that any other place I go to would be same $hit, different place. Plus - I refer you again to the great benefits.

With that great day off, I was dreading coming back here. I'm just not jumping out of bed to come in, you know what I mean? And it showed. random people even asked me if I was OK yesterday.

I woke up this morning, happy that it's Friday, and pretty excited for my mom to visit this weekend. I get on the scale, and I'm down another 1/2 pound (I know, I know, I shouldn't be weighing myself everyday). And my mood lightens. And then it dawns on me. I've been hovering around the weight that I plateaued at last fall. I had lost 25 pounds over 4 months, and my dedication to losing it had slowed. And then I had the ectopic. I was just not worried about my goals of losing weight and feeling better - I was in this hole of sadness that I tried to fill with rum drinks and chocolate.

So - I gained back 10 pounds. And then the doc wanted me to go through IVF. And needed me to lose 15 pounds to do so at his clinic (he says due to insurance reasons). I threw myself into the weight loss full force after that appointment... and 2 weeks ago, I hit that 10 pound loss mark - where my weight loss stopped last time. And then I got my period. And my weight went up 4 pounds! I understood that it was probably water weight - but inside - I was freaking out. What if I couldn't get past that number? I still have 8 pounds to go before the end of June!

Would they turn me away at my ER due to my weight? How horrible (and embarrassing) would that be?!?!?

With that 1/2 pound weight loss this morning, I'm past that point. I have 7.5 pounds to lose in the next 6 or 7 weeks. Doable. I know it.

But it still pisses me off that I get so upset over my weight.

Oh - and it's raining here. So no walk at lunch for me.


Ann said...

I'm so glad you were able to get past your sticking point for weight. It's not at all crazy for you to obsess about weight--it's the one thing in this whole process that you can sorta kinda control (as you can see from my post yesterday, I'm obsessed with control). When you thought you couldn't get past your "plateau" no matter what you did, you thought you'd lost control again over another aspect of your life.

I wish you all the luck in the world over the next month and a half as you continue to work on those last few pounds.

Samantha said...

Good for you to be losing the weight! It's really hard to keep up the motivation. Personally I think weighing yourself daily isn't really a bad thing - as long as you remember that your weight will flucuate within a few pounds. There's no way they'll turn you away at retrieval time!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Good for you on the weight loss. I can't imagine that they would turn you away for ER. Good luck my dear.