Well. Today was my first day on my own... mostly. Aaron left for work at 5 AM (yeah - he is crazy like that) after a pretty good night with Hulk. If you add it all up - I probably got about 5 hours sleep (in 1.5 hour stretches - but I'll take what I can get!). When we got up for his 6:30 feeding - my mother was up and ready to leave. I kind of thought she would stay until lunch - but she was totally ready to go. I convinced her to stay for a bit more, and snuck another hour of sleep, and she fed him while I showered. But then she was gone.
I don't know if the struggle is just that we aren't breast feeding yet - so I have to pump and then feed him (he is pretty much getting 90% of his food from breast milk! Just not from my breast.). And then, today, he was up wanting to eat about ever 1.5 hours - 2 hours, where his pattern before was every 3 hours. So I was trying to time the pumping so I could do it before he woke up hungry - and I didn't manage to hit that window ever. So I'd be pumping, he'd be crying.
I know it's only been 10 days - but I'm getting frustrated. The lactation lady came and told me to just do skin to skin if he wasn't accepting the breast - which he still isn't... so obviously she's seen this before and things work out - but I just wish one bit was easy, you know!? What if he never breast feeds? I'm happy that he is gaining weight well and getting mostly breast milk - but I thought this whole breast feeding thing would work out. And of course, I read two blogs today where they talk about how the whole breastfeeding experience was so wonderful and helped them bond.... not like I'm NOT bonding with this little guy - I really don't think it is possible to explain the amount of love I have for him already.... but I want to have the whole breast feeding thing too!
OK. Pity party is over. I'm sure that this will all work out - I just need to keep working at it! The visiting nurse came yesterday, and was also very encouraging. Hulk is up to 8 lbs 14 oz - so is gaining to 1 oz a day that the doctor wanted to see. I just don't have any experience with this - so I have no idea what to expect and what is good or bad. We'll get there.