We saw my doula yesterday. She watched me pump. My milk is totally not in. What I thought was a HUGE stream is basically a little trickle. And when I said I was in 'discomfort' when I hadn't pumped for 6 hours... she said my boobs would have been rock hard and I would have KNOWN that my milk was in. That just isn't the case. I haven't pumped for nearly 30 hours, I've felt barely a twinge.
And all the pumping and waking up and stress over being on the pump when Aaron isn't here - worrying that Hulk will wake up and I'll have to try to comfort him with one hand while trying to hold the pump on with the other? I was actually told to pump every 1.5 hours when I was awake, and try to put him to breast 3 - 4 times a day. Surprisingly - I had trouble doing that - considering I was told to pump until nothing came out... so that would take about 20 - 25 minutes. After I finished pumping, 50% of the time Hulk would need to be fed - so I'd feed him the breast milk I'd pumped, and then try to get him on the breast - but he wouldn't calm down because he was so hungry... by the time I finished feeding him and settling him down - it was time to pump again. Oh - and when we were sleeping? I was told to wake him up every 3 hours to eat, and I should pump then. So Aaron had to wake up with me to feed him because I couldn't feed and pump at the same time. Both us us were miserable and the stress was pretty high.
It's a harsh reality to come to - but I'm not making enough milk for him. And my supply isn't increasing no matter what I've tried. I've pumped every hour. I've taken 18 supplement pills (9 of fenugreek and 9 of blessed thistle) a day. I've tried drinking a half a beer (that was a sacrifice, let me tell you). I've spent hundreds of dollars on lactation consultants and renting hospital grade pumps. I need to let breastfeeding go and just enjoy my baby.
What is cracking me up here is that when a Baby Story (the TV show on TLC) would come on that had a c-section, I would turn it off - because, you know, I would never have one. And when all the formula samples came in the mail, I left them in the garage, because OF COURSE I would breastfeed.
Surprisingly, letting it go was a huge weight off my chest. Sure, a little sad too - but I am concentrating on enjoying my little man, instead of stressing on something that unfortunately just isn't working. Of course, last night managed to be a really rough night - he just wouldn't settle down! But this is our first night of fussiness... so we are lucky. And I'm more lucky, because Aaron stayed up with him - and with the stopping of the pumping every 3 hours, I managed to sleep 5 hours in a row! I'm a new person today.
We picked up the crib today! Maybe we'll get it together and I can post pictures tomorrow.