Friday, February 29, 2008

TGIF

Well, this has been quite a week, hasn't it? Actually talked to my SIL on the phone yesterday - she sounds really tired. And turns out they weren't 'trying' but weren't preventing. Sigh. The good news is that she got the same reaction from my MIL that I got when we told her I was pregnant - "Oh.". Which at least makes me realize that my MIL is a jerk to all the DILs equally!

I'm done with the BCPs, and go in for my baseline ultrasound this Monday. Aaron and his friend are spending the weekend getting the blueboard up in the living room - next step is plastering! I was so stressed out when they started this project that I'd be living in a construction zone from months on end - looks like Aaron really heard my concerns! And My plan of being out of the house during the weekends has helped what little sanity I've been able to hang onto these past few months.

And I apologize to any of my pregnant buddies that I may have offended last post - I just had to get that out. I'm happy for you! Trust me! I know you've all been in a dark place in this journey, and understand my need to let it out.

Just waiting for this workday to end so I can spend my weekend knitting.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Better today.

So, after a good cry - and thank god Aaron totally understood, I'm feeling better today. He was out when I found out - and when he got home, came right up to our bedroom and gave me a big hug. I hadn't cried yet - and I let it out. I'm not mad at her - I'm jealous. She already has a daughter from an 'oops' 6 years ago (with another man). Now that they are married - they really wanted to get pregnant soon, so the kids would be somewhat close in age. And, she is 35 years old. She had told me before that when Justin and her moved in together (last summer) that they were going to start trying right away. We never really talked about anything much on the baby making front, but I wouldn't wish what I'm going though on anyone. In the back of my mind, I'm happy for her.

But damn it. All the blogs that I started reading when we were all just beginning the IVF journey? So many of you are pregnant already. And stressing about staying pregnant. Some are even 35 weeks along and are still not accepting that they are bringing home a 'real' baby - and I just want to run over and take over your pregnancy for you! I could believe! I swear I could!

If I didn't have a miscarriage in December, I'd be well into my 2nd trimester now. Maybe even in maternity clothes. Instead, I'm gearing up to start my second round of stims on Monday.

I'm also upset because I really thought I was doing great. Having fun, keeping busy, being excited about this next cycle - and then I take this announcement SO hard. I really wish it didn't have to be this way. And that everything didn't have to be this hard. Thank god for Aaron and all the support and love he gives me or I would be seriously losing my shit right now.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

My SIL is pregnant

Like, 6 weeks. This is the one that got married just this past October. I want to cry. I really didn't expect that I would have this reaction.

Fuck.

I'm sure I'll be happy for her in a bit - but I guess this is my gut reaction. And I wish it wasn't.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The adventures of Z

So, one of my quilting friends made me a little buddy for this next IVF cycle:

If you can believe it, he is made from two pairs of mittens! Such a sweet gesture, and the coolest thing is that she didn't even know that the baby room already has curtains with jungle animals on it (I saw the fabric and couldn't resist)- and this little guy looks just like the zebra in the fabric.

Right now, he is guarding my dark chocolate covered marshmallows (such a brave little guy!)... but look for more adventures of Z in the weeks to come.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Going out with a bang.

So. On my first IVF cycle, I was so nervous about everything... I just spent the month before worrying. This time, I'm taking some friends advice and having some 'last hurrahs' before I get pregnant. Like having a few too many gin and tonics (maybe you noticed that from my last post). And going on weekends trips (just returned from a weekend in Freeport, ME!). And saying yes to an afternoon offer of a concert!

My theory is last time - my body was like 'What? I can't drink anymore? I can't get my heart rate over 120? No more sushi!?!? But you didn't waaaarn me!". It didn't have a good 'last hurrah'. So this time - I'm making sure that my body understands that we had a good amount of 'non-pregnant' fun, and it can settle into 9 months of 'pregnant fun'. Think it'll work?

I freaking hope so.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Posting after 4 rather potent gin amd tonics

It's snowing. We made snow angels

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I'm so freaking boring.

It's kind of weird to be blogging about IVF when really not all that much exciting is happening. Started up lupron again today, and now we continue on with that until my baseline stuff on March 3rd, a little over a week away. Woo. Hoo.

I do have some random things to talk about. First, I was listening to NPR the other day, and they were talking about this thing called GTD. I thought it was just another crazy high tech way to manange your life, which I never go for - but it's actually almost what I'm doing now, just smarter. I bought the book, and have read around on a few blogs, and it's a cool idea. Basically, you carry around a notepad, and whenever you get an idea, you just write it down. When you get back to your desk, you store the idea in a folder (he suggests having 43 folders, one for each day of the month, and other for each month). Supposedly, this allows you to clear you mind of the clutter, and help get thing done.

I already do the weekly 'to do' list, and it really helps me visualize what's coming up in the week ahead, from big work things, to going to the gym, planned meet up with friends, and even what is going to be for dinner each night. This is kind of taking it to the next level, and I'm interested to read to book to see what he suggests.

And - I did a rather spontaneous thing. A knitting pal asked me innocently enough if I was going up to SPA this weekend - it's basically a 'knit and spin in' - in which a bunch of people who like to do such things invade a hotel, and knit together. It's free, except for the cost of a hotel room (if you choose to stay overnight, which you don't have too). This one is pretty well organized, there are vendors and lots of people go each year. It's only a 2 hour drive from my house, and I just decided yesterday to go. I booked a room, and told my mom she was coming with me (she protested a little, as she needed to clean her house this weekend. I countered with the fact that I was paying for the room, and it was in Freeport, ME. Mom loves LLBean - so that clinched it). Aaron is going to be working on the living room all weekend - so the house is just going to be a big mess with a lot of loud construction going on. So - I'm escaping! Hope the forecasted snow doesn't mess with my plans!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

And we wait

I'll be starting lupron on Thursday... so my mini-wait is over in a bit. I don't know what is going on, but I'm totally tired, but can't sleep at night. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with stressing out about work, but I hate it when this happens. Tonight I'm totally taking some Tylenol PM.

This past weekend, I came to the realization that many of my hobbies, if you didn't know where I live and what I do for a living, would make some people think I was one of those people who want to live off the grid. Top hobby? Knitting. Second? Quilting. Since I've started trying to eat more healthy, I've been baking my own bread and made my first foray into pressure canning yesterday. Sometime this week, my new spinning wheel will arrive (you know, to spin my own yarn?). I've been lobbying for my own chickens for about a year now (I'm thinking I'm never going to sell Aaron on this, but I continue to try).

Would I really WANT to live off the grid? I don't know. I think it would be interesting - like the PBS show where people live like pioneers for months at a time? But I think that I'm more drawn to these hobbies because of the sense to satisfaction it gives. I knit, and in the end, I have a sweater (or blanket or socks or whatever). I spin, and it just is a total relaxation to watch the fiber turn into something. Baking bread, cooking from scratch? Such a great result (most of the time, there have been failures, trust me!) in the end. My job is in technology, where I'll work on something for months, the project will be over, and truthfully, not much tangible is there in the end.

But in all honesty I'm not sure I could give up high speed internet, netflix and cable TV. Or the opportunity to pop out to the store or going out to sushi. Or my peapod delivery! For a vacation, going to a cabin in the woods is perfect. As a total lifestyle, maybe when we retire, but I doubt it. In the meantime, I'll just make Aaron nervous that I'm preparing for the holocaust with my canned goods, yarn supply and home baked breads. I think it keeps him on his toes.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Details and thoughts....

So, after I posted my initial 'Delayed' information yesterday, I got a chance to talk to my nurse in more detail.

Feb 14th, start the pill
Feb 21st, start lupron
Feb 27th, last pill
March 3rd, go in for baseline, probably start stim meds that night
Assume week of March 10th for egg retrieval and embryo transfer

So - not to big of a delay. And yeah, you guys were right, I have every right to be upset - but with all the crisis at work and the other stuff going on, in the grand scheme of things, 2 weeks is only 2 weeks. I'll deal.

I've never messed with my cycle before like this, and I know plenty of others have, so I'll be fine. I just feel like anything that can go wrong will go wrong with me! Seriously. A flood? Water in the walls that pose a mold threat to the IVF lab? I was thinking that this could only happen to me. Well, me and all the other woman in my clinic! Ha.

Happy Valentines day to everyone! Aaron did the proper thing - sweet cards and yummy chocolate. I gave him the same... but got those personalized M&Ms - he thought they were great.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Delayed

In a weird twist, my cycle has been delayed. There was a flood at the hospital, and the walls of the IVF suite got wet. Obviously that is bad, and they are rebuilding the walls. Which will take two weeks. Thankfully, I'm not on stims yet, so they are going to put me on the pill for a few weeks, and I'll start up with the Lupron again. Now, instead of the ER at the end of Feb, it's the middle of March.

No biggie, right?

I'm a little upset, because I was totally ready to go - but I'd rather just wait and stay with all my same stuff (lab and embryologist) instead of the other option of moving to a different center for this cycle.

Just more waiting. And apparently, that is what I'm good at. NOT.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Less Annoying

Guess that Monday's just have to suck, huh?

This morning I woke up to find that I had gotten my period, so I'll be going in for a baseline u/s and bloodwork tomorrow (when we are expecting a snowstorm, but seriously, would I expect any less?). I go downstairs to check my email, and my brother has written telling me that he is 'working' on the plane ticket - will be coming to visit on March 8th. Not holding my breath... but at least he's making an effort... which is a change from his usual 'it's all about me' attitude.

And since you asked so nicely, I'll dish on the annoying woman at work (in vague terms, but you'll get the point). I work in technology. And for a group that is a strange combination of technology groups (I lead performance testing, another group builds hardware infrastructure, another is the environment management team, and yet another is project management). Anyway, one of my largest issues that I have been dealing with for over 3 years, for whatever reason, this woman in a totally different group than I - decided that SHE was going to solve. Without telling me, asking my opinion (and I have strong, well thought out opinions on this), went behind my back to the person who was in charge of my group 6 years ago... and asked if something that I had said was 'not possible' was in fact possible.

Honestly, anything is possible. But the time that is would take isn't worth it. If it was, trust me, I would have done it. This issue has been the bane of my existence for the past 3 years.

Anyway, I'm on a phone call, and this woman says 'I contacted John Doe (the guy who was in charge of my group 6 years ago) and he says that he used to do that thing that you said can't be done. I set up a meeting with you, John Doe, me and our manager to talk about this. Just to give you a heads up'. I can't even explain how angry I was! Just to give me a heads up. Angry Cece. She never contacted me, asked me why I say it can't be done, just brings it up in a meeting with many other people on the phone, basically calling me out. I told her I was offended by her calling this meeting without consulting me, and hung up the phone.

I did call our manager, and told him what happened and what I did (hoping that it wasn't a 'CLM' career limiting move). He was surprised that she did all this without contacting me or asking my opinion. So - I feel better today about it, and am crafting an email with my different ideas on the subject.

Wish me luck as I start stims tomorrow.... I hope that I don't get even more cranky than I am now!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Things that annoy me.

1. I haven't gotten my period yet. It was due on Friday, and I know that Lupron can delay it a bit... but come on!

2.My brother. I bought him a plane ticket to come visit my mother and I. He has been going through a rough patch in his life/finances/marriage - so as a birthday present to both of them (Mom's b-day was 2/5, his is 2/23), I got this ticket. Thought it would be a nice thing, have him come up here and spend some time with us, removed from his situation. The weekend he told me he could come turns into a 'father/daughter' dance at his kids school, so now he has to change it. AFTER I've already bought the ticket. And there is no way I'm paying for that - so I put him in charge of it. It's been a week, and he has done nothing. That is going to be $300 down the drain, I'm guessing.

3. Remember how I said I wasn't going to see my mother in law this cycle? Guess who is coming next weekend. I'll give you one guess. Yep. My MIL. The good news is that she is staying at her sister's - which is in our town. And she only is expecting to have dinner with us. But - we will have the expected visit to 'judge' the house. Which I'm sure will manage to upset me.

4. This horrible woman at work. Trust me, you don't want me to go into it now, but SHE SUCKS.

5. Speaking of work, this is the third week of my boss being away - and I've had to deal with a large amount of crap in his absence.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. Guess I'm going loopy on Lupron.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

It happened again.

I went to spend the day with my friend, and I came to this:

That is the view of my living room from the front door, and here is the view from my desk in our new office:
Oh. My. God. Guess we are really starting this project, huh?

Friday, February 8, 2008

Meh.

So. I'm on day 4 of Lupron... and I'm noticing a marked difference in the way I'm dealing with this cycle than my first IVF cycle. I feel like last time I was already all obsessed with the shots and figuring out when my retrieval would be... not this time. I'm not freaked out.

I wonder if it has to do with the pledge I made to Aaron to not go on pregnancy.org. While all the woman there are really great, they kind of obsess about everything, and therefore have ME obsessing about everything. I am glad that I went there as a resource early on, but now, I really don't need the added stress. Dare I say it? Aaron was right.

Also - since last cycle was my very first cycle, I was pretty scared about everything. How I would react to the shots, the whole ER process, and what to expect.... this time? I know it really isn't all that bad (at least for me). I didn't have a horrible reaction to the drugs, the people in the IVF suite were so nice, and the procedures were really not that big a deal.

This time, I know what I need to ask for support. In a twist of good timing for us (but sad for him) Aaron's best friend broke up with his girlfriend, so will be staying with us for a while. So - we'll have him as a built in support system for little things like cooking food and taking care of the dogs on procedure days. Everyone at work is really supportive. And, this time I know what I need to ask for from my friends and family (mostly to keep me distracted!!!!).

Oh. And this time? We aren't telling my MIL, nor are we visiting her or anything. I think that Thanksgiving visit was about the worst idea I'd ever had.

I will say that I'm also not super excited, but I'm guessing that is because I'm trying to protect myself. I'm not really sure how I'm going to react to any outcome at this point. Nothing to do but wait and see.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I'm all hardcore and shit.

I did my shot this morning. It was totally no big deal whatsoever. I took a deep breath, pinched my belly, and stuck it in. Didn't even feel it. Phew.

I also realized that our 85 pound dog is on meds (which Aaron was giving), and spent another 10 minutes wrestling with him and jamming 3 pills down his throat. Last night, I tried the 'trick the doggie' idea - stuffing the pills in pieces of cheese... unfortunately the monster figured me out and would manage to eat the cheese, but no pill.

Samantha tagged me for the 6 things meme, so here I go:

1) Link to the person who tagged you (I did above).
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I never make my bed
2. I love days when it rains.
3. I HATE hate hate hate listening to voicemail.
4. I also HATE grocery shopping.
5. I love getting real mail. Like snail mail. But I myself don't send Christmas cards. I'm more about the random 'Thinking of You' card or birthday card.
6. I really want a fish tank. But I don't want to deal with taking care of it, so I don't have one. But in the past, I've had 2 fish that have lived for a really long time. The frist was my goldfish Charlie. I won him at a fair, he lived in a mason jar for a while, and slowly made his way up in life to a ten gallon tank. He was big enough to fry up for lunch and not be hungry afterwards. He didn't die (and I didn't fry him up!) - I let him go in someone's Koi pond - and at that point, I'd had him for 6 years. And more recently, my Beta fish, Mercury. He lived for 2 years!

I tag Baby Step, Morrisa, and Bside-Kenya!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Fire it up!

Went in this morning for bloodwork, and came back good - so the Lupron starts tomorrow. Aaron is out of town, so I'm going to have to do my shot all by myself! The only other time I did one was in the nurses office about 5 months ago... give me strength. And what does it say about me that the nurse is now 'praying' for me? I think it a good thing - but the fact that she said she was thinking of me a lot lately makes me wonder. I'm sure she has dozens of people going through cycles each month... and she's thinking about me? Nice that she said it though.

The weekend was pretty wonderful. Thankfully, driving in the ice storm wasn't that bad, and mom also arrived without any issues. For pictures and such - you can go look over at my knitting blog. Sometimes I go to 'relax' with my mom , and she is a totally annoying twitch. This time, she was great, and I even got to win (one game) of Rummy 500.

Here's hoping this is the cycle.

Friday, February 1, 2008

TGIF

This has been one long week! I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I'm a bit nervous, as I'm bringing a pal with me to the cabin, and I feel like I've spent the last few days warning her about different things that my mom does/will do. It was pretty much just my mom and I growing up - I did see my dad on some weekends, but when I think about growing up - it was the two of us. And she has been single for so long (over 30 years now!) that she definitely has her quirks. For me, I don't even notice. But for others? I worry. She eats about 1200 calories a day. And when I say 'about' I mean plus or minus 25 calories. There are absolutely NO snacks in her house. She LOVES to play cards. And she never sits still. So - when I go for the weekend, I know to bring my own snacks (which, if you put out - my mom will gladly share) and that we will be up until all hours of the night (or until mom wins, lol) playing cards.

I tried to warn my buddy about all this - and she still seems excited to go - so, I think it'll be a fun weekend. I'll hopefully get a bunch of knitting done also.

Looks like I got a few workout buddies! I will start nagging you! I will give you one tip. If I really don't really like working out, maybe I'm too tired or whatever, I'll force myself to at least do something for 10 minutes. If, at the end of those ten minutes, I still don't want to work out - I let myself go home. I've only actually gone home once. And the next day, woke up with a fever - so I was right to stop! The only big problem with that theory is the actually GETTING to the gym. Sometimes even that is hard to get to do. Anyway - I've been taking allergy medicine in preparation for this trip, and it's wiping me out. At the end of my workday, all I wanted to do was to go home. I forced myself to drive to the gym instead of home. When I got there, I decided to would just do weights - no running. I even put my bathing suit on under my workout clothes so I could get right into the hot tub after I lifted. Well, I finished lifting and felt great! Decided to do my running (again, I'm doing the Couch to 5K program - just finished up week 3 of 8) and felt great. So, from not wanting to go to the gym at all, I ended up working out for over an hour - and finished up with a nice soak in the hot tub.

Some of my motivation is that I know they will tell me that I can't raise my heart rate over 120 or go in the hot tub once we start the IVF cycle, and running cranks my heart rate right to 150. So, I'll be walking, swimming and doing gentle yoga. I'm SURE I won't be able to lift. I'm going to keep doing my running and lifting until I start stims.

Now, just to make it through today so I can go enjoy my weekend.