That is my usual theory. If things are bad, you just pretend that they are AWESOME, and eventually they are. So. Nora died. I wasn't really able to fake it so I looked like things are awesome, but at least passable for a long time. I then was able to feel happy, but with this nagging undercurrent of sad. Of loss. Of missing something.
I've been reliving that night over and over when I go to bed this past week - and when I saw my therapist yesterday, we talked about why that is. I guess I figured that eventually, I would be 'ok' with Nora's death. And I try. I tell myself that it was something we couldn't have prevented, and that Nora lives on in my heart.... but seriously, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I came to the realization that the undercurrent of sadness may NOT go away. It may lessen over time, but losing a baby isn't something that you just 'get over' or certainly forget about. That somehow kind of made the hurt lose it's edge. Maybe because I was hoping it would just go away. But now that I realize it's with me for the long haul, I'll just let it live there in my heart and let it remind me of that sweet baby I cuddled with for 5 days.