That is my usual theory. If things are bad, you just pretend that they are AWESOME, and eventually they are. So. Nora died. I wasn't really able to fake it so I looked like things are awesome, but at least passable for a long time. I then was able to feel happy, but with this nagging undercurrent of sad. Of loss. Of missing something.
I've been reliving that night over and over when I go to bed this past week - and when I saw my therapist yesterday, we talked about why that is. I guess I figured that eventually, I would be 'ok' with Nora's death. And I try. I tell myself that it was something we couldn't have prevented, and that Nora lives on in my heart.... but seriously, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I came to the realization that the undercurrent of sadness may NOT go away. It may lessen over time, but losing a baby isn't something that you just 'get over' or certainly forget about. That somehow kind of made the hurt lose it's edge. Maybe because I was hoping it would just go away. But now that I realize it's with me for the long haul, I'll just let it live there in my heart and let it remind me of that sweet baby I cuddled with for 5 days.
4 comments:
~hugs~. You are right, it's not something you'll ever get over. It will just get easier to deal with over time. I'm sure the sting will always be there when you think of your dear Nora. She'll never be forgotten. A billion internet hugs again.
*totally*. My grief is different entirely (I didn't lose Toby, it was just a traumatic arrival with a very preemie boy and resulting issues) - but the loss parts of it? They do lesson in intensity, but you're stuck with those parts from here on out - it's a part of you now. The good news is that honestly - it also becomes a strength. It sounds trite but it's been entirely true in my case.
One of my friends who lost her daughter posted about this just the other day. She said that the grief doesn't get any easier, but you get better at dealing with it.
My mom, who lost my brother at 14, describes it as scabbing over, less raw, but that you need to know that there will be times when those scabs come off, and the pain will come back.
((((HUGS))))
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