Monday, November 19, 2012

Get over it

People say that all the time - she should just 'get over it'. Usually it's for little things, like someone getting a wrong coffee order, but it's even bigger things, like a break up or a job loss or even the death of a loved one. I spent Saturday morning with a friend who, like me, has been through a lot in life, and is generally happy. I've been getting a lot of questions lately about Nora, so we talked about her. People want to know if I miss her (of course). Or do we know why she died (not really). Or do we talk to the kids about it (they know they had a sister Nora and she died). I answer the questions honestly, because I want people to understand and to know that Nora isn't a forbidden topic - but obviously some days are better than others.

But back to my friend and I. She mentioned that one phrase that drives her crazy is when people say 'When will they get over it'. And I totally agree with her. I'm NEVER going to get over the death of Nora (and the long list of other things that have happened in my life). But it is in the fabric of my life. I honestly think that Nora was here to teach us something, and she really did do that. We are closer, we know who our true friends are, and we really learned what is truly important. We lost something huge when we lost Nora, but we also gained something.

When I meet people that hold the anger from a wrong that has been done to them (abusive childhood, a cheating spouse, someone who stole money from them) all I can think is that they are giving their energy away. That the bad thing is getting all the energy - and that makes me sad. In my early twenties, I let my boyfriend use my credit card once. I didn't know it at the time, but when I broke up with him, I found that he had charged $18,000 on that card. At first I was VERY angry. I tried to get him to pay me back. I even went to small claims court (and for a small time, Judge Judy was in contact with me to put the case on air!). When it became obvious this guy wasn't going to pay me back, and I was getting more and more angry about it - wondering if he even cared about the position that he put me in.... I took a step back. I realized that this was a bad man. And I needed to be grateful that I walked away from the relationship only having lost $18,000 and nothing more. I learned to be less trusting (a sad lesson) and paid off the debt and moved on. I didn't want to waste anymore of my time being angry about something that I had no control over and wasn't going to get much resolution about.

My father always used to say 'If this is the worst thing that happens in your life, it's a pretty good life'. And that is true. Most things that we get so upset about? Some are awful, but the good always outweighs the bad. I try to focus on the good and happy things that happen in my life. I'm not getting OVER the bad, but weaving them in with the good and result is the fabric of a pretty great life.


Anonymous said...

I love this image of weaving the good AND the bad into the fabric of your life. So much energy can be spent on being angry, or scared, or sad, or trying not to feel any bad emotions at all. But the only way to live is to exist with the good AND the bad.

Thanks for this. Another reminder for me.


Deborah said...

Your attitude is so amazing! I'm sure it has helped you cope with Nora's death and other bad things that have happened in your life. It certainly is something to aim for. Thanks.

HereWeGoAJen said...


jhl said...

I love this post. And such a fitting metaphor, since you are a crafter. We can't make the ugly or sad pieces go away. They ARE us, and we ARE them. We learn how to inhabit them gracefully.

So kind of you to stop by and comment!