Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The good life

Last week was very stressful for a whole list of reasons. And it led up to a weekend that was also stressful but in a different way.

The twins list that I'm on asked if I could reach out to a mom that lost one of her twins at 24 weeks. She carried the both twins (can you imagine?!) full term and was having troubles with the loss (understandably). So all week, it was in the back of my mind - what would I say? I decided that I would just listen, and let her drive the conversation.

With a pretty busy week at my new job (which I'm enjoying, thank god) comes it's own challenges. The job I was working 4 years ago was with this same group. I was heavily pregnant with the twins, and then was out of the office for 5 months, and then put on another project. So most of these people remember me as the lady pregnant with twins. So at least daily last week, people would be asking - hey! How are your twins? They must be big now! Which after the first time, I realized I would have done the exact same thing. But damn. 6 times last week I had to tell someone that Nora died.

Anyway, this woman was wonderful. We connected on a lot of levels, and both felt for each other. It's great to find someone that you can honestly talk to about infant loss - because (and thank god this is the case) there aren't many people that it happens to and I've found that many people go different roads with their grief. In my life, I take the bad parts, and realize that they are surrounded by wonderful parts - and realize that life is the whole package. I try not to let myself be sucked into the anger/sadness/hopelessness that comes with losing a child - but when I feel that way, I acknowledge it and let it happen. To a point. I don't want my life to focus only on the bad. And some people do that. And other people will say 'It was god's will', or 'The Lord works in mysterious ways' or 'She is in a better place'.

The best place for my baby is with me. No questions asked.

And this other mom felt this same way. So we talked, we hugged, we talked more, cried and hugged. We agreed that we needed to get together on a regular basis because it was good for BOTH of us. And a question for you guys - she has a struggle I didn't have to worry about. Her son was 4 when this all happened. He expected a brother AND a sister, and is really focusing on that. Its hard for the mom to hear him say several times a day that he misses his sister and pop (this poor woman lost her own father 3 weeks after the babies birth). I didn't know what to say, as Cam really was to young to have any idea what happened when Nora died. Any advice there? Jen maybe?

After they left, I went to deliver dinner to a woman at our church that is sick and dying from cancer. I always sign up when the call goes out for food, because of all the wonderful people that helped me after Nora. It didn't register who it was until I dropped it off. This is a woman MY age. With 3 children (teenagers). I'm sure the shock registered on my face, because she looked SO sick.

That night, when I went to bed, I hugged Aaron extra tight. Sure, we've been through a lot. But now? Now we are blessed. I've got great friends, a happy home life and everyone is healthy. We are together in this crazy mess of life, and I wouldn't choose to do it any other way.


HereWeGoAJen said...

Nope, sorry. Elizabeth was still too young to get it when Luke died so we never really explained it to her. We will see this year on his birthday. I suspect this is the first year it will really sink in.

I'm glad you found a good connection. Those are so valuable.

Heather said...

My oldest was 3.5 when our son was stillborn. Out if everyone, she was the easiest person to deal with. Her questions were innocent and honest, and the shortest and most truthful answers was all she needed.