Still Angry

Well, I'm still annoyed today about my doctors appointment, but now, just more annoyed at myself. I had a bunch of questions that I wanted to ask about IVF, and because I was upset - I didn't ask them. Grrr. So I have a call into the nurse to ask her. Mostly, I want to get my levels from the bloodwork, and find out if he was able to talk to the clinic about my weight.

In interest of full disclosure... I'll tell you about my last week's exercise and weight loss. I was down to 3 pounds lost for the week on Monday morning... and now I'm only down 1. Guess the food at the Memorial Day picnic had a lot of salt! I was able to walk 4 times, but only went to yoga once. The yoga studio was mostly closed this weekend - the only times they had classes was times that I couldn't make it. But, now I know I only have 4 pounds to lose between now and the end of June. I'm obviously going to try and lose it before I see the doc again, though - which will be in about 2 or 3 weeks.

Today, I'm on my way to my 10th year college reunion. One of my college roommates is meeting me at my house, and we are making a bit of a road trip out of it - staying in Western Mass for a couple of days (going to a book signing, museums, shopping) and then on Friday, making our way to Schenectady for the events of the weekend. I'm mostly going to see some girlfriends I haven't seen since my wedding - it should be a good time. But, now I'm worrying about what to wear and if people are going to notice the weight I've gained since college.... but in the end - I'm sure it will be more fun than anything.

Needless to say, you won't be hearing from me for a while! Maybe I'll blog on Sunday night... but I doubt it! Have a great rest of the week!

F#@K (update from appt with RE)

Well, went the the RE today. And cried. I always cry. I try so hard not to, but I always do. Sigh. Before I got there, I was pretty proud of myself - I'm at 4 pounds to go, and from what I remember when we met last, I needed to be to that goal weight by the end of June. And he said that my approval for the IVF at his clinic didn't go through because of my weight. That I needed to lose those 4 pounds... and I was like I KNOW! But I thought I had another month?!?!?!

And then the crying started. The good news is that he is going to call the insurance coordinator and explain everything today, and he is sure he can get them to approve us for a cycle starting end of June. But I was still tearing up at this point.

There was a lot of good news - my blood work came back, and my LH level was 3.2 - he said I may be 31 years old, but my ovaries are 24! And that I'll go through menopause in my late 50's at the earliest. And everything else on my blood work (and Aaron's) looked perfect. The current plan is this:

Continue to lose weight (and not cry about it so much)
CD 1 (should be June 3rd) - call and make an appointment for CD 12 to get some final exams done and meet with the nurse
CD21 (around June 25th) - start Lupron for ~ 10 days
After period starts, start the the IVF shots, for a ER date of around July 11th.

It's good to know the plan - and the further away I get from the appointment, the better I realize that the appointment really was. Aaron asked me if I wanted to change docs - because he really isn't the most sensitive when it comes to talking to me about my weight... but I trust him. And I really don't want to go through switching docs at this point.

Of course, maybe I'm already pregnant, and I just don't know! Wishful thinking - but I'm finding myself poking at my boobs - 'are they sore'? If I keep on poking, they damn well should be! AF is expected this weekend.. so not to much longer to wonder.

Celebrations

This week hit pretty much every kind of family gathering you could get - Friday night we had a close friend's 30th birthday, Saturday night a wedding, Sunday night another birthday, and last night our anniversary! And, even though I'm not charting or using OPKs.... I'm pretty sure I O'd either the day before or actually on my anniversary! Needless to say, we had some pretty excellent timing this month (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

But that got me thinking... we have had good timing pretty much EVERY month. For at least the last 18 months (I was just assuming that I O'd on CD14 when we first started TTCing). Tuesday, I go to the doc to get my protocol for IVF. But I keep hoping that we managed to do it 'naturally'. But afraid too - because I know that I would be excited, but also totally freaked out if we got a BFP - wondering if it was ectopic. This whole IVF thing is a little scary. I know that loads of people have gone through it...but the shots, the egg retrieval and transfer.... and the odds? I don't even think I asked my RE what the odds were for me (unexplained infertility). I guess I need to start making a list, as I slowly get more and more freaked out, waiting for the appointment on the 29th.

This little 'break' we have been on since April has actually been nice - but I need to move forward...take more action! Get pregnant!

It's Wednesday, so my weekly report is due. I'll admit, all that celebrating had an impact on my weight. But, yesterday I threw on a pair of pants that hasn't fit me well in years - and they looked great. So, the scale my not be cooperating, but my ass is!

Walking: 4 three mile walks (lots of rain and a hangover lessened my time to walk this week)
Yoga: 4 times. I totally didn't want to go yesterday, but forced myself. My back was hurting - and going to yoga actually made it feel better. Huh.
Weight: Gained 1.5 pounds - 7 pounds to go - but 8 pounds lost since the last doctor visit. I'm still hovering around that spot that I plateaued at last year.... I'm trying to eat less sodium to see if that makes an impact.

This wasn't really the best week I've had in terms of the weight loss, but if this was a few months ago - it would have been a heck of a lot worse. I was very careful about what I ate at each party... I honestly think the weight gain is from last night - a bit of water weight again. But we'll see as the week goes on. And swimming? I'm just going to admit that it's too late at night. I'll walk more on those days.

Anniversary!

Well, this year marks 3 years of marriage for Aaron and I!

Before I met Aaron, I'm sure lots of us have the same story, but I dated dirtbags. The best way to descibe it is that they would 'take advantange of my good nature'. One asshole even took my credit card and charged $20,000. Nice, huh? I'm still paying that off.

I was obviously somewhat despondent when all that happened. I had decided that I would just be on my own for the rest of my life. A couple of friends pushed me out into the dating world... and I went... mostly because I was lonely. I dated a few guys (jerks, but at least at this point I could recognize them!!). And then, I met Aaron.

For our first date, I picked a safe bet - going out for ice cream. He came and picked me up on his motorcycle (hot!!). I had started using my dog as a good 'man checker' and she ran right up to meet him when he walked up to the door. Good sign number one. We went out for ice cream, talked for hours... decided to go to the beach for a walk.... talked for another few hours.... drove home, and had the best first kiss ever.

Sigh.

And, 6 years later... we are married, we bought a house, we have another dog, and are trying to start a family. And I can't imagine doing this with anyone else.

I Am...

I'm been tagged twice for this meme - and I think I've just been thinking about it too much! So, here I go:

I am loved.
I am happy.
I am secure for the first time in my life.
I am an athlete.
I am a knitter.
I am a dog lover.
I am a pilot.
I am a motorcycle chick.
I am a woman with a 4 bedroom house in the suburbs waiting to fill it with children!!!! (ok, maybe not FILL. But 2 kids would be perfect)
I am SURE that we will have a baby soon.
I am already questioning the above statement.
I am running out of things to say....

LOL. That was kind of fun. Not much exciting going on here in the way of TTCing. I haven't heard from the doc on my blood draw - so I guess that is going to wait until the appointment on the 29th. It seems like time is flying! I'm excited to see what our plan is when I go. But for now, the weekly update:

Walking: 6 times, 5 three milers, 1 six miler
Swimming: none
Yoga: 4 times
Weight lost: 3 pounds, 9.5 total, 5.5 to go!

Swimming is hard for me to go to - it isn't until 8 PM - and often I'll get involved in something else once I get home and just end up not going. But I walk every day at lunch, and it's really great to get out in the fresh air for a bit in the middle of the day. Yesterday, it was about 85 degrees here, and yoga was BRUTAL! The instructor was saying 'If you can make it through this yoga class, you can make it through anything...' and by the end - I totally believed her. I felt like I was going to die during class, but after, I felt like a rock star.

I don't hate Mother's Day.

This weekend I had one of the best weekends that I have had in a while. I went to yoga on both Friday and Sunday, and a 6 mile walk on Saturday morning. My mother visited. We went out to lunch together. We organized my fiber studio. We worked on my garden. We had a blast.

To me, Mother's Day is still about my mom. She is one of the toughest women that I know. When she kicked my father out, I was 3. He left her with double mortgages, $200 a month in child support payments (that didn't even cover my health insurance), and a heck of a lot of debt. She scrimped and 'made do' and put me through private schools and college. She paid off all that debt, got back into nursing, maintained 2 houses, and never lost it.

I had a really fun childhood. I was on the swim team. We always had a dog. We had the cabin in the Berkshires, which, although not a luxury second home - what does a child know of that? We would go up every weekend in the summer and explore the woods, swim in the pond, go for walks. She taught me how to knit, cook, sew, use a chainsaw, fix plumbing, climb ladders.... you name it, that woman can do it. And she did it on her own.

She is my best friend, and I love her deeply.

So, even though I don't have children of my own, I enjoy Mother's Day. I had a few moments where I saw the 'new' mothers on my street enjoying mother's day and I admit I felt a pang. If IVF works in July, I'll be that mother next year. And although my trip to become a mother has been difficult, I have the most wonderful partner to parent with - something my mother never had. I felt lucky this weekend. Lucky to have a wonderful mom, and lucky to have a wonderful husband.

Raining on my parade

After Aaron and I took our day off together, I came back to work on Thursday in a bit of a funk. Like many other IF bloggers, I sit at this job for the security that it brings. I've been here for 7 years, and gotten several promotions, and have my managers 'trained' well. They know what I'm going through, they know I do good work, and have allowed me as much time as I need to deal with IF treatments, the ectopic, etc (obviously not EXTRA days off, but never questioning what is going on). I get a good salary, I really understand what I'm doing, we get 4 weeks paid vacation PLUS 8 sick days... plus 3 months maternity leave.

On the flip side, I've gotten to the management level. I'm rarely learning new things, and due to cost cutting, even though my team has 10 people, only one is a full time employee - so my mentoring options are pretty low too. And - some of the policies of this place make me angry. But - I don't look for a new job because I'm still decently happy here and know that any other place I go to would be same $hit, different place. Plus - I refer you again to the great benefits.

With that great day off, I was dreading coming back here. I'm just not jumping out of bed to come in, you know what I mean? And it showed. random people even asked me if I was OK yesterday.

I woke up this morning, happy that it's Friday, and pretty excited for my mom to visit this weekend. I get on the scale, and I'm down another 1/2 pound (I know, I know, I shouldn't be weighing myself everyday). And my mood lightens. And then it dawns on me. I've been hovering around the weight that I plateaued at last fall. I had lost 25 pounds over 4 months, and my dedication to losing it had slowed. And then I had the ectopic. I was just not worried about my goals of losing weight and feeling better - I was in this hole of sadness that I tried to fill with rum drinks and chocolate.

So - I gained back 10 pounds. And then the doc wanted me to go through IVF. And needed me to lose 15 pounds to do so at his clinic (he says due to insurance reasons). I threw myself into the weight loss full force after that appointment... and 2 weeks ago, I hit that 10 pound loss mark - where my weight loss stopped last time. And then I got my period. And my weight went up 4 pounds! I understood that it was probably water weight - but inside - I was freaking out. What if I couldn't get past that number? I still have 8 pounds to go before the end of June!

Would they turn me away at my ER due to my weight? How horrible (and embarrassing) would that be?!?!?

With that 1/2 pound weight loss this morning, I'm past that point. I have 7.5 pounds to lose in the next 6 or 7 weeks. Doable. I know it.

But it still pisses me off that I get so upset over my weight.

Oh - and it's raining here. So no walk at lunch for me.

Weekly update

Today is Wednesday - and Aaron and I are playing hooky! Yippeeeeee! We are off to breakfast in a minute - but wanted to keep to my pledge of updating on my exercise and weight loss goals each week.

Swimming: 1 time
Walking: 6 times, 5 three mile walks, one 6 miles
Yoga: 4 times
Weight: stayed the same (yep - lost the rest of the period weight yesterday, thank god).

That means I worked out 11 times last week. I did something twice a day 4 days! I'm pretty impressed with myself. I wish I went swimming 2 times and took away one walk.

Stuck

This morning I went in for my CD 3 bloodwork, and per usual, I had to get stuck 3 times. Pisses me off! I always get the 'crappy' blood person, and then they bring in the 'expert' (who always manages to get my vein with no issues on the first try). She suggested I just ask for her to begin with, as she put it, 'Because I've been through so much'.

I don't really feel like I've been though all that much. Sure. It's been 2 years of TTCing. And the ectopic. But the more you talk to people, the more you realize that a huge percentage of people have gone through the same thing! Sure - I know there are people in blog land, but even in real life, I know 4 people that have gone through treatments - 2 good friends, and another 2 people that live on my street. Funny, you feel alone, and then you start talking... and you totally aren't.

Back to the CD3 stuff - I'm wondering if I'll get the results before I go to the RE on the 29th? Guess I'll just wait and find out. Everything was totally normal last time, so I'm not worried about it.

And, good news on the weight gain... looks like it was just water weight. I'm back down 2.5 pounds this morning. Hopefully, once AF finishes up, I will have lost some more weight this week. But - it is interesting to know that I gain almost 5 pounds during my period! Note to self: no stepping on the scale during AF.

CD 2...

Well, AF came on Sunday morning. Not too much fanfare or upset, to tell the truth. I'm more focused on getting ready for IVF than stressing out over my monthly failures.

Did I just write MY monthly failures? Like I could do something about it? Sigh. Last month was just like most of the others - we had great timing - but it didn't work out. I wonder if there is a breaking point. Where you more expect for your period to come, rather than hoping it won't? At least this month I didn't have the charts to go over obsessively, and she was a day early, instead of 4 days LATE like last month!

Tomorrow I'll be going in for my CD 3 bloodwork that I need to start with the IVF testing. And I'll keep on working out and eating right... and trying to lose weight to get ready for my RE appointment on the 29th. One thing I'm a bit upset about today... I've been weighing myself each morning for the past 3 weeks. I've seen a nice steady weight loss - but the day I got my period, I went up 3 pounds from the day before, and another pound this morning! WTF! I'm really really hoping it's just water retention and not me honestly putting that weight back on! Augh!

That's what happens...

When you work all day Sunday! When I wrote yesterday's post, I was SO SURE that it was Wednesday. Sigh.

So, last week I was talking about stress a little. Let me give you my 'acceptance of my stress' story:

After Aaron and I had been TTCing for a year, I went to my yearly check-up. I have always struggled with my weight, but after moving out the to suburbs and quiting triathlons (that's right - 3 years ago I completed an Ironman triathlon!!) I gained about 50 pounds. I knew that I had, but I couldn't bring myself to get on a scale. Obviously, when I went to that checkup, they just expected me to step on the scale.

And I starting crying. Not too badly - I could cover it up - until my super nice physician's assistant came in and asked the innocent question 'How are you?" and I just started crying. I told her how I have gained all this weight, and I couldn't keep up with 4 hours a day of working out along with my job and my house and everything else just to keep my weight steady. And that we had gone off the pill a year ago, and I still wasn't pregnant and I was freaking out.

Pretty much all in one breath.

She really is a wonderful doc, as she had me calmed down after spending about 45 minutes with her. She sent me to a nutritionist and a shrink. And sent me for bloodwork to start the process of figuring out if anything was 'wrong' with me. And gave me a referral to an RE.

OK - finally to the point of the story! Phew. So - I go to the shrink, and he asks me why I'm here - and I say - because I really need to learn how to relax. I'm all stressed about becoming pregnant, and everyone says I need to relax. And he kind of chuckled, and asked - what do I do to relax? And I listed out knitting, quilting, going for walks, maybe a massage or two... and then he asked about my stress level. And I explained that I managed a group of 12 men in a technology role, and I had gotten 2 promotions in the past two years. So - work was pretty stressful, moving into those new roles so quickly - along with my very aggressive work schedule.

And he asked me what I thought relaxing was. And - really? I picture a relaxed person sitting in a chair, reading a book. Or laying on the beach. Things I HATE to do. If I'm sitting, I'm knitting. I need to be doing SOMETHING. And he said - you are the kind of person that doesn't like to relax! And that is OK. Your way of living has done you well. You are successful, healthy (this was after all the bloodwork came back - everything fine and low cholesterol, low blood pressure), you are happy (except for the whole weight/infertility freak out at the doctors office).... you do what you enjoy. That is what you consider 'relaxing'. And screw those who think differently.

So. I thrive on the high stress of work. And, to be honest, even if we could afford for me to quit to 'lower my stress level' (I actually know people who have done this)... I bet I would totally lose it in a few weeks. I have taken 3 weeks off of work once to recover from knee surgery... and I think I was MORE stressed out not being at work! I thrive on my 'hobbies' - on making thing with my hands... of sometime purposely stressing myself out by making deadlines for knitted items or quilts. I love it! And that's OK.

I will admit, though, that these last few weeks at work have been more stressful than usual. I've been working 80+ hours and dealing with the stress of a production slowdown. It's not fun - and I would rather be back to my 40 hour normal stress level weeks. Maybe next week.

Life is Good

This morning, I called my RE. He had asked me to call him at the beginning of May to remind him to start my insurance paperwork for IVF. And, also make an appointment for the end of May so we can start planning my protocol. May 29 we will do that.

It's starting to seem real!

Yesterday, I had a really shitty day at work. So shitty, in fact, that I logged off the computer at 3 PM, and decided to go for a walk. I thought I would just go walk to my post office (3.5 miles away), and send a package that had been waiting for me to send for about a week. And, as upset as I was, once I got out in that beautiful weather, finally being able to breathe through my nose (! for the first time in a week!), I was smiling. I feel like I'm back in control of my personal life (not my work life, but that is a whole other post). I'm losing weight, I'm working out (just a year ago I couldn't have even considered going for a 7 mile walk on a whim), we are renovating big parts of our house....

Life is good.

Maybe it's the mental break I'm taking from charting, temping, OPKs, acupuncture.... maybe it's the good feelings I'm getting from working out more.... or maybe it just that spring is finally here in New England. But I feel good for the first time in a while, and it's pretty nice.

It's Wednesday, so here are the stats from last week:
Walking: 4 times (3 three milers, 1 seven mile walk)
Swimming: won't swim with a cold (gross)
Yoga: also won't yoga with a cold (again, gross)
Weight: Lost another 3.5 pounds. 9 pounds away from goal

I'm starting back with yoga tonight, and tomorrow to swimming.