In expectation of visit to New Doc

I went online and looked up New Doc - to see if there was any info on her. She has her own website, and it includes her email address! I have been composing a list of 'concerns' to bring when we talk to her... and yesterday figured... what the heck! And emailed it to her. The gist of the email was (after a brief intro):

***
At a high level, I went off the pill in April of 2005, had well timed intercourse for a year with no results. Went to my GP, who referred me to Dr. N. We had all the 'normal' tests, and everything came back normal. Did one cycle of clomid, then 2 clomid with IUIs. Had a rest cycle, during which I had a VERY painful HSG. I had a positive HPT on Oct 7, but found it was ectopic Oct 19th (I have listed my total history below, but I also assume that you have my charts).

I am very frustrated with how my case is being handled. Below are my concerns (can you tell I'm a tech geek - I like to list things out)
Concerns:
- I don't feel like my issues in Aug-Oct were really looked into. I feel like the HSG was just a checkmark on my medical record. He told me it was something to be done before we moved onto the injectables. He made no comment of what it meant that the procedure was so painful (isn't the pain diagnostic in itself? Couldn't it mean that the procedure itself cleared a partial blockage or opened up a full blockage to partial? )
- After the ectopic, I would have expected some sort of follow up on my tubes, which wasn't done. Isn't the fact that I got pregnant after the HSG make it a strong chance that I could have tubal factor IF? Isn't an HSG after an ectopic is simple logic--why haven't I had one yet?
- Current doc is always commenting on my weight. All my hormone levels have come back normal, and I work out once if not twice everyday (Bikram yoga 4 times a week, and walk approx 20 miles a week). He will comment that our fertility issues are NOT related to my weight, but brings it up in every conversation. This upsets me. Either it's an issue, or it isn't. I have been trying to healthfully lose weight since the ectopic, and have succeeded with losing 20 pounds. I am trying to lose more. I have listed my weight history in this email also, as I want you to understand that although I'm overweight, this isn't a new thing, and I'm also in good shape.
- Also on the topic is weight, Current Doc said my weight OUT LOUD in front of my husband. This was very embarrassing to me. Although Aaron doesn't care, it's a sensitive topic (isn't it for most woman!?).
- Current Doc has mislead us about the timing of when we can start IVF. He had us all geared up to start IVF in May. Then they forgot that Aaron needed another SA. We were pushed off to June. Then we got the denial. I would have to think that the 'rules' for insurance approval are very well documented (as a matter of fact, I was able to go online and see the rules myself after the first denial). If we had known in advance that we couldn't start IVF until October of this year, we would have had a much less stressful time this summer, worrying about getting tests done and expecting to be approved for IVF when there was no way that would happen until 12 months from the ectopic
***
I also included a high level history of my TTCing and my weight. I sent this at 4 PM yesterday - and she wrote me back the same day!!!! Here it is:

I have the picture. Please make sure I have your records before we meet. weight per se isn't so much of an issue. We do pay attention to body mass index-- a measurement of the relationship of your height and weight. Ideal BMIs are 18 to 28 from a health standpoint, but we don't see a difference in pregnancy rates until >40. HSGs are generally painful, and the pain isn't a reflection of your tubal status. If you had 2 open tubes, and had surgery or treatment for an ectopic on one tube, it's not absolutely indicated to take a look to see if that tube is still open. Any ectopic is presumed to indicate possible tubal disease, but 90% of the time your next pregnancy will be in the uterus..ie the tube or tubes remaining usually work fine. See you next week.

I'm already excited about the visit.

Mixed Emotions

Warning - totally off the hip post ahead.

Friday, when I got home, and I told Aaron about the whole 'denied by insurance' fiasco, it ended up in a meltdown on my part of epic proportions. The kind of meltdown that I have only had perhaps 5 times in my adult life - sobbing, screaming, hiccuping...gasping for breath - I'm guessing you other IFers know the one. Even as it was happening I was wishing I could stop. Wishing that I could be totally rational about this whole thing and realize that getting denied this time around only means another month until they can submit again, and I'm pretty much assured approval.

But, I wasn't rational. I find myself being SO resentful for that ectopic pregnancy that I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I was SO hopeful and excited when I got that BFP, as was Aaron. The devastation that it was ectopic was horrible. The false hope that it gave me that at least I could get pregnant on my own - pisses me off now. Aaron and I have been trying for another 6 months since it happened to no avail. AND - if it hadn't happened? I would have been happily moving along with injectables and IUIs, and actually, if those hadn't worked, I would have just been starting IVF at this point. But no. That damn ectopic pregnancy counts as a 'pregnancy' for insurance, and means I no longer qualify for an infertility diagnoses. It also had to happen on the one month I wasn't taking drugs - so can't even count as an ectopic during infertility treatment, which would have also allowed me to move onto IVF sooner.

Instead, I'm sitting here after almost a whole year of no treatment. The fact that we can't submit insurance again until September means that I will need to get another HSG - which was VERY painful for me the first time. I know that it's impacting my relationship - as the stupid cycle of hope shows very obviously in my mood swings throughout the month (which are helped by the hormones, sigh). Sad from CD 26 - 3, levels out cd 4 - 10, gets excited 10 - 20, the nervous waiting and dread sets in on cd21.... I know I'm not telling you all anything new.

But then, at the same time, I'm thankful. I love my life, my husband, my job is decent, I've got great friends.... and I have more time to work on losing even more weight before we go to IVF. I have some time to work on learning some new technologies for work that will be good for my resume. My new friends on my block? They all started having kids around this time in my life. I know I'm not too old and I know I really haven't been trying all that long in the grand scheme of things (2 and a half years).

But staying rational is SO hard. I'm going to do my best to just have fun with these next two months. See if I can do the impossible and not think about IVF or insurance or anything like that until the end of September. Sure, I have a doctors appointment for a second opinion next week - but even if we decide to switch to her, it isn't like she can get my insurance switched any faster either.

Sigh.

Meltdown

OK - after a pretty major meltdown yesterday afternoon, I'm OK. I really didn't even need the meltdown part. Truly, this insurance crap only puts me back another month or two - as I should be totally fine for approval to start this in Oct.

But my frustration level is just so high at this point! Plus, I had an extremely stressful week at work last week, and I have my period, so my hormones are all crazy.

Good times. I'm up early to go to yoga, and then I'm visiting my pal Amanda for a bit as she sells her wares at a Folk Festival.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Denied.

Again.

Stupid Fucking insurance.

Like Sand through the hourglass...

So are the days of my life.

CD1.

Again.

For some reason, I'm not even a little bit upset with it. I did have a mini-ride on the 'hope train' this month... but last night I had my neighbors over for a little bit of knitting, and one brought her 5 month old son. I was holding him and playing with him... and then Aaron came home and was playing with him too - and no sadness. Just fun at playing with a little baby.

I wonder if I'm just at the point where I've moved on in my head to IVF? Or paying more attention to thinking about what I want to talk to Potential New Doc about on August 7th? It really feels like the months are just flying by... like the summer had just started, and now we are in August. The quicker the summer goes, the faster I get to October, when my insurance company will definitely approve our IVF. And, since I haven't been going to Dr N lately, I'm kind of forgetting my frustrations with him.

Dare I say, I'm learning patience? That can't be it. No freaking way.

Honestly.

So. I'm here at work, after almost a week off. I didn't take Monday off, but that was because we had our company outing in the afternoon - so it wasn't really work. Including being back at work - I'm back to my 'follow up' calls that I make - you know the type - checking up on this your ordered and haven't received, making vet appointments, and hell, following up on the damn IVF APPROVAL!??!?!

Right.

The insurance lady called me back a mere5 hours after I left my message (which is lightening fast for this office) and told me that the letter was faxed on July 5th. So it could take up to 3 weeks, maybe even 4 or 5. Um.... I was told you faxed it on June 29th? And now it's not a max of 3 weeks but FOUR OR FIVE!

GAH!

I know it has been said a million times, but it's the waiting with all this IVF shit that sucks the most. It was my understanding that the doc's protest letter was filed on the 29th... making today the day that I would hear (at the latest). But, no. Not only did the letter not get filed when I thought, but now the turn around time could be even longer!? If it's 5 weeks... I could actually still keep on track for starting Lupron in August. AF is due this upcoming Friday. CD 21 would be the 17th. So even if I find out on the 9th (that is 5 weeks), maybe, just maybe - I can finally get this freaking IVF show on the road.

Of course, I need to travel for work the entire week of the 13th. I thought that was a perfectly safe week to travel. And now, I may need to do put off the 'pre-IVF' appointment until that week because of the stupid insurance stuff.

Thank god I'm going for a second opinion on August 7th. I really getting fed up with this crap.

You wanna see my new car?

Here it is!

It's even doggie approved!

Holes in my house!

As promised, a few pictures of the work Aaron is doing on the house this week!

Off to do some more 'vacationing'....

Decision Made

A nice, new, Nissan Murano it is. I love it. I should be taking delivery on it this week. And we are doing it with all the bells and whistles - which is a big change from my current car. Yes, the Beetle has a great engine and suspension - but it's more sports car than luxury. This car has a nav system! And a back up camera! I can't even tell you how cool that is for me... now, when the dogs are circling the car as I back out of the garage I don't have to worry about running one over (a big fear of mine).

In other, non-IF news (because I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THE INSURANCE COMPANY) today is the only day I'm working this week! Aaron and I usually take a week off ever summer to putz around the house and make some progress on house projects. And we do have a bunch of big projects underway right now. One involves renting a bobcat and moving 16 yards of topsoil around the yard, and the other involves making large holes in the outer walls of the house. Maybe I'll even show some pictures of the works in progress. Aaron's father is visiting to help with the work, so I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be too involved in the manual labor. I have my own list of things to do. Go to yoga in the middle of the day. Organize my craft room (yet again). Do some knitting. Do some baking. Basically, do things that I don't usually get to do!

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I'm in the 2WW (totally forgot to use the OPKs this month, so I'm just looking at 'signs'). Keep your fingers crossed that by some miracle my DIY cycle works! Barring that, let's hope that on Friday, I get good news from my insurance company.

Vehicles

You know, I never really realized how your family status really dictates the vehicle you drive until we started planning to have a family. I think I've mentioned this before, but Aaron and I used to have motorcycles. I always said that the minute I got pregnant that I would sell mine. Which I did. And then I was no longer pregnant. And Aaron also ended up selling his.

Now we have 2 cars - a sedan type car and a New Beetle. The new beetle is my car, and I love it very much - I have the souped up version (turbo, sports suspension, 6 speed manual blah blah blah). It's a 2 door car. It is obviously the car that we would sell/trade in when we get the new, family car - but you know - I really thought we would be getting the family car when the family consisted of more than 4 legged children.

2 years ago, it didn't even seem like an issue to think about - my car was only 3 years old, no need for a new one, and hey - I would be pregnant soon. But, as we have been waiting longer and longer for me to get pregnant, the car is getting older. And we have finally come to that decision point in car ownership - the point where you either need to trade in for a new car, or admit that you are going to keep the car until you run it into the ground. Obviously, we won't be doing the later (well, I GUESS we could be, if I never get pregnant). But sooner or later, I will have a baby. And that baby will not want to be trapped in a car seat in the back seat with two slobbering dogs.

So - it is with mixed emotion that I have started looking for a new car. I had always pictured this day as one where I'd be all big and pregnant, with Aaron holding my hand as we look around at the 'family' vehicles.... checking the safety features and seeing that the car seat fit right. Instead, I'll be going this weekend and trading in my fun little 2 door because it makes sense. I feel like it's weird to have this expectation and visualization of what it would be like to buy my next car.... but then again... I guess it isn't.

On the other hand, I put my motorcycle up for sale before I actually knew I was pregnant. So maybe making this decision to buy our new 'family' car will trigger a shift in the cosmos and I'll get pregnant (intrauterine this time, please)?

Another DIY cycle, and update

I finally got the nurse to call me back from my REs office. It actually wasn't my 'normal' nurse, as mine is on vacation - and I really liked her better. I explained my problem. That I started my cycle on 6/29. The plan was to start me on Lupron on CD 21. That the doc submitted his protest to the insurance decision on 6/29. And that it would take 2 - 3 weeks to get an answer. And, that Dr. N wouldn't start me on Lupron unless we had been preventing. Therefore, at this point, we need to decide to prevent or not prevent.

Aaron is all for not preventing. We aren't going on the pill, since my cycles are so regular, so I'll let you all guess why he isn't a fan of our method of preventing. Men.

I'm on the fence. Do I want to wait another month, if, by some miracle, I get approved in 2 weeks and not 3? But, if I wait another month, it gives us another shot at conceiving on our own and avoiding the whole IVF thing.... and, it assures me that I can go with my future SIL on her bachlorette trip to Disney on Aug. 10th.

We talked about it over dinner, and we'll just start everything next month. I should get AF on the 27th, start lupron on the 17th... with an ER in Sept. If it all works, maybe I'll get a BFP for my birthday on Sept 18th!

For my weight loss and exercise goals, I have reached the weight that I need to be according to my doc minus 2 pounds (for a total of 15 pounds lost since April, 33 pounds lost since April of 2006!). I actually took last week off from yoga, as I went up to the cabin - and there isn't a store within a 40 minute drive, no matter a yoga studio! I did go for a bunch of walks, and ate well, so that was good. And, went to yoga last night for the first time in a week... ouch. Now that I have another month and a half before all this IVF stuff starts, I'm going to work on losing at least another 5 pounds. I've also pledged to walk 300 miles between now and Sept 30th. It sounds like a lot - but is totally doable if I continue walking every day at lunch.

Survived!

The weekend with my father wasn't too bad. I think I have found the best combination to handle his visits - a full afternoon of whale watching, and the game Rummy-O. We made meals that he enjoyed (ribs on the grill one night, lobster the next) and didn't let him do the normal thing of plunking himself down in front of the TV. When he started to head over towards the TV - I would ask if he wanted to play rummy-o - and he would head over there and we would play for a bit.

He couldn't make it through the whole weekend without offending me, of course. A quick background on my father is that he has been married 5 times, and has 5 children. He only talks to me and my half-brother Steve. I think from that you can get an idea of how great this man is with maintaining relationships. My mother kicked him out of the house when I was 2, and we had limited contact throughout my childhood. My teenage years had a constant threat of of 'if you do 'x' (dye your hair a funny color, get a tattoo, do drugs) I will disown you'. Needless to say, we weren't close. And we didn't really get closer as I've gotten older. This weekend, he had a bunch of nice gems, but the kicker was when he said, "I feel like I have 1 and a half kids. Steve has only turned out 'OK', and the rest, I wish they would lose my phone number".

Nice.

He has already 'disowned' me once. For forgetting my stepmother's birthday. We didn't speak for 6 months. Some rather nasty words were exchanged. One of the things said during that 'episode' was that my father, being that he spent over a million dollars on my education and supported me in my childhood years, deserved a phone call at least once a week and on all major holidays. I, of course, ran to the calculator and figured out exactly how much money the man spent on me (which wasn't even a 10th of the amount he said) and started thinking.

Because a parent spends money raising you, is there a rule to what they DESERVE back in return? When I have children, will I give them things with expectations from them in return? I feel that your decision to have children comes with a few basic requirements on the parents part - you are expected to fed, clothe, house, and educate your child. Of course, they also expect some encouragement, trust and love - and a decent start in life... but the first 4 are the basics. All children should get those (and of course, there are those that don't even get that, but we don't need to go there). My mother raised me to be a strong, educated, independent woman. We are close. I know she loves me unconditionally. (oh, and I call her 2 or 3 times a week).

My father judges me. He has made it abundantly clear that if a do certain things, he will not love me anymore. Not just not TALK to me, but not love me. I believe it! He has done it with 3 of his children already. It used to really upset me that he would give ultimatums like this... but as I've gotten older, I just don't listen. I'm to the point that it may be better if I don't talk to him anymore. And I know that even if he does 'disown' me, I will still love him. He is my father. But like my mother says, I may have to love him, but I don't have to like him!

To avoid conflict, I do tend to call him about once a week to get 'credit' and on 'major holidays'. But - it is a joke between Aaron and I as to what constitutes a holiday - does Veteran's Day count? And as his birthday or my stepmother's birthday roll around, we joke if I feel like getting disowned this year or not... sick, I know.

Sleepless...

I have this very cool song running through my head 'I got the will to drive myself sleepless, sleepless' (by Soul Coughing).

Not much sleep occurred last night. I've figured out that my mother's misery it rooted in my brother's financial issues - or more specifically - how his money issues effect her. Turns out, she loaned him a big chunk of change, and since he's going through all this bankruptcy stuff, he isn't paying her back (but he can still buy a car and take trips to Key West). And now she needs to work 2 more years before she retires because of it. I'm pissed. And she doesn't want me to talk to him about it (and she isn't talking about it either). That she is being taken advantage of really is weighing on me.

In addition, my father and step mother are visiting this weekend. I don't get along with either of them... but they don't know it. My dad is a HUGE liar - making up crazy stories about how he invented this and knows this famous person and always telling us how smart he is BLAH BLAH BLAH. And my step mother believes him. There is so much more to the story... but let's leave it at that. He arrives this afternoon at 2:30 and leaves Sunday morning. God save me.

I heard from the doctors office - usually when there is a doctor's protest for insurance - it takes longer to hear back. More like 2 - 3 weeks. So. There is a slim chance I'll find out in time and will be able to start lupron on the 20th... but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Back!

I'm back from my mini vacation - and it really was nice. I watched 8 movies (!), did a bunch of knitting, went for nice walks in the woods, hung out with my mother... all that jazz.

But, my mother is sad. And that makes me sad. She is pretty much on the verge of crying all the time. I can't really do anything about it! She is lonely. She worries about my brother (who is having marital issues and going through bankruptcy). She misses her dog that died last year. She wants me to get pregnant - but not in the bad 'why don't I have a grandchild yet', but in the 'I know how badly you want this' sort of way. Her sadness makes it hard to spend time with her. But I want to spend time with her - because I know she likes it, and it makes her happy. It's hard.

I'm on CD 5. In order for me to be able to have my August IVF, I need to be approved within the next week, so I can have my pre-IVF appointment, and start the Lupron on the 19th. I just put a call into the doctors office to see what the status of his 'protest' is... but it had better be moving along!