Thursday, July 8, 2010

This isn't supposed to be my life

Since coming back from Nantucket, something has been nagging at me. Aaron and I joked after we found out I was pregnant with twins, that we wouldn't have to worry about visiting family for a while, because how could we? No car was big enough to accommodate 3 kids and three adults (at least no car that anyone in our family owns) and just the sheer logistics of traveling with 3 kids under the age of two seemed insane.

When I was on Nantucket with my two wonderful children, popping around from place, enjoying the beach, watching the fireworks... I realized - This isn't supposed to be my life. I'm supposed to have another baby. Things should be harder. Things should be different. Sure, maybe we would have figured it all out and would have been on Nantucket just as we were last weekend, but it would be different.

Or is this life I have now what I AM supposed to be living? How does that all work? Is our life destined to be what it it, or could I have changed it somehow? Rational Cece knows that there is nothing I did to cause Nora's death (although every once in a while I worry about what I did when I was pregnant... did I not eat right? Should I have had more milk/protein/whatever would have made Nora's heart work 'right'!?!?).

So the past few nights, I find myself thinking about my little family. It's perfect, to tell you the truth. Cam is a super happy, well adjusted toddler, learning new words every day and just in general a wonderful guy to be around. Maggie is really a perfect child. She is happy when she is awake, and sleeps beautifully through the night. For someone with 2 small children, our life is wonderful and predictable. I am woken up each morning at 7 Am by Maggie giggling and playing with her feet... I get both kids dressed and out the door and to daycare by 8. I go to work, hit the gym, and am home to enjoy my kids until they go to bed at 7. We then have grown up time until we go to bed around 10.

Nothing to complain about whatsoever.

Except that someone is missing. And it still hurts.

8 comments:

HereWeGoAJen said...

It's so terribly unfair. Because she'll always be missing. She is supposed to be here. Even though I never met her, I still feel her loss every day.

noswimmers said...

**hugs**

S said...

I'm so sorry. Please know that Nora is not forgotten. Each time I visit your blog I remember her and your loss. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Awe, I'm sorry. It seems so unfair. You've been through so much...and while she is not with you in spirit, she is your angel baby looking out over all of you.

Amanda at MyLifeMyWorld

La La said...

I never know what to say when I read these things. My heart aches for you. ((hugs))

Heather said...

Isn't it strange, to be so happy when things 'should' be so different? I LOVE my life with my 6 year old and 6 month old girls. Yet, there should have been a 2.5 year old boy too; a boy I wish I could know. But if he was here then we wouldn't have the 6 month old, and life would be so very different, and I just don't know what to make of all of that.

I do know I don't believe things happen for a reason. There is no reason for babies to die. None.

I also know that my son's short life makes me love the girls, hug them, and laugh with them more. In a way, life is more sweet because of him. Even if I still miss him terribly.

Michele said...

I often think about what would have been or should have been... mingled with what is. It will always hurt, I think.
Hugs... Many hugs...

Anonymous said...

I cry for you... I'm so sorry... I can feel the hurt from here...