Thursday, September 9, 2010

Bah.

Today I saw my therapist (I used to call him my Crazy Doc - as in the Doc that keeps me from going Crazy - but Aaron said it sounds more like I'm saying that Doctor that is Crazy... so I stopped). Things are kind of piling up on me and it was good that I went. I actually almost canceled, but forgot to - and since I'm cheap (you have to pay for the session if you don't cancel within 24 hours) I went.

One of the things I've been struggling with is a way to commemorate Nora. At first, I thought the tree would be the right thing. Help bring closure (whatever the hell that means). Well, it didn't. Putting her ashes under that tree didn't make me feel any better. Add in the fact that the tree looks like it's dying, and I was stressing out. Fortunately, we had a tree guy come and look at it, and it is in fact still alive - just stressed. Which makes sense with all the heat we've had. He told us that a new tree can look rough for up to two years after you plant it. I feel better, but not all the way.

I have a necklace with a very small single diamond on it that I got when Cam was born. I love it and I never take it off. I was trying to think of something similar to do for the girls... and just never could come up with anything. I finally decided to get some earrings. I have 2 holes in my left ear (remnants of the '80's) so my idea was to have an earring with Nora's birthstone in that second hole. I would leave it in all the time. I decided to get two citrines (the girl's birthstone) and one blue zircon (Cam's birthstone). I would wear the girls in my left ear, and Cam's in the single hole on the right. I found some simple hoops on Etsy that I could keep in all the time. They arrived on Tuesday and I put them right in. The one that was for Nora? The citrine freaking cracked.

I know it's silly. It's just a tree and an earring. They don't REALLY represent Nora... but seriously. SERIOUSLY. Can I catch a break? My good friend told me that maybe it's a sign that Nora it meant to only live in my heart - but I just wanted something nice and small... and it seems like every effort fails. The Esty seller is sending me another stone, but it was just bugging me.

So - he helped me talk through those things, and also help me with the fact that I can't stop thinking about what our lives would be like now if Nora was still here. Because I can't stop thinking about that either. You ever think back on little decisions that changed your life drastically? Like what college you chose or what little thing you did that made you be able to meet your spouse? Well, if Nora hadn't died, my life would be drastically different. We wouldn't have the kids in daycare (where we now have lots of friends). Life would certainly be more hectic. I would have had to get a new car, and a load of other huge expenses. I'm sure I would be under massive pressures. But I'm not. I'm under different pressures, but life is good. The kids are good. Aaron and my relationship is good. And he said something that helped - you can think about what your life 'could have been' - but that isn't what it is. Your life is what it is, and you are doing the best you can with it. And he is right.

And something else struck me this week. While I was feeling crappy, Mel wrote a post on jealousy. This part really hit me: I’m not a fan of this idea that we need to be happy 100% of the time. We were given this enormous palette of emotions for a reason. I don’t think it’s our job to always try to realign towards happiness. I think it’s okay to remain for a while in sadness and explore it as long as we don’t allow ourselves to inadvertently board up all the exits out of the emotion.

She is right. Why do we always strive to be happy? Happiness is great, but you should feel sad sometimes. Or angry. Or jealous. So the fact that I'm sad about losing Nora every once in a while - that's good. Or jealous of new moms that have the luxury of complaining about the fact that they are having trouble breastfeeding (I get jealous often of mom's that didn't spend the first three months of their babies lives freaking out that they may die. Sigh). And that I'm feeling these emotions is good too. Not only good, but normal and healthy. And that is OK.

Bah. Sorry to dump all this out at you - but it's good for me to get it out, somehow.

11 comments:

Shari said...

I am glad you are able to vent a bit.

I am in no position to comment but I am sending you a virtual hug and hoping you feel a tiny bit better.

Heather said...

That's what us bloggy buddies are here for - we all need to vent out shit and get it out so it doesn't eat at us. You have let me vent LOTS of times.

I'm so sorry that it keeps getting messed up. I hope the tree guy is right and that your tree gets healthier looking and lasts forever.

serenity said...

Hey. Don't ever apologize for blogging what you're feeling. This is your space. If it helps to get it out, then write away.

Honestly, I'm having a hard time accepting lately that this is my life too, obviously for different reasons. But I keep going back and questioning a decision I made, career-wise, a LONG TIME AGO. And it makes me jealous of the people who are at that point right now, with their whole lives in front of them.

Anyway. Though it's definitely not even close to the same thing, I understand, a little anyway, where you're coming from.

Hard sometimes to reconcile the 'should have been' with the 'is right now.' And I totally agree that it's OKAY to feel crappy about it.

xoxo

HereWeGoAJen said...

It's not dumping it out on us, that is why we all read each other.

Delekatala said...

I have had some issues with commemorative stuff breaking and what not. I just think of a new thing to commemorate my Genevive. I remember it isn't the item, it is what is symbolizes. I just feel good to have something to show that she is not forgotten. I did get a tattoo recently with her footprint though, and that was a huge help for me. When I feel sad I can look at her little foot and it has really made me feel good. I also have a necklace with her birthstone and a little charm of her photo that I adore, and sometimes get sad when I am out and realize I forgot to put it on before I left. I would love something that would include her twin Lillian as well, I feel like sometimes I am not really a twin mom. But haven't found an idea that feels right, your earrings idea is fantastic! I wish I wore earrings.

Heather said...

Two years ago I made a bracelet for my boy - it had red flat stones with his birthdate in silver square beads. It broke this summer and I've felt naked without it, but as a non crafter I haven't gotten myself to the bead store to get it fixed. It's so sad to look at the loose beads in my jewelery box.

I've had a my share of bah moments lately as well. Now that baby girl is 8 months old and completely charging into her personality it is becoming more and more clear that I do not have any idea who my son is. He will forever be a tiny baby; a 3 month premature, 2.5 pound baby who I will never get to know. Was he funny, quiet, athletic? I have no idea. I really wish I could have known him. Some days I'm ok with this, and others are a litte more difficult. I guess that is just how it goes.

Heather said...

Meant to add - don't rush through this recent case of the 'bahs'; you entirely deserve to wallow in them a while. ;)

Annalien said...

Thinking of you!

Delenn said...

Thinking of you. Therapist is right--sometimes its okay to feel crappy--and to let it out. :-)

Negative Nelly said...

The rose tree we planted in memory of our baby we MC has had 2 fungus fits and aphids galore. I need to see my therapist. Thanks for reminding me - I haven't been since before I mc! Thanks for your post, lets me know I'm not alone.

Oh, and I think Crazy Doc fits perfect :)

Kristin said...

Here from Mel's roundup...our blogs are a place for venting and letting it all out. I hope this lifts a weight for a little while.