Two posts in one day

Such a rare occurance! Mostly I'm testing out a work around for my stupid formatting issues...

But I have forgotten to tell everyone that I've started going back to Bikram Yoga. Found a new studio very close to my house, and the people there are wonderful! And I love going. It's been almost 4 years since I went last.

Drummin'

The male half of the house is sick. Cameron has strep, and Aaron is whining about his throat hurting, so I think he has it too. Maggie and Mom? 100% A-OK. Let's hope it stays that way. I've had a rather stressful week - with the whole family drama making me feel like crap, and work sucking also.... I was really looking forward to bringing Cameron last night to see the Native American Drummers. I got the call from daycare at 4 that Cameron woke up from his nap hysterical and they couldn't calm him down. When we got there, he was pointing at his mouth saying 'Dis hurts, Mama!' (and can I say, it's pretty great when they can finally tell you WHAT the problem is). So to the doc we went. No fever, no ear infection, and the doc didn't even think he had strep, but did the test anyway. Of course, early in the morning, before school, I told Cam we were going on an 'adventure' and would see the drummers that night. So during this whole trip, he was saying 'Go Drummers? Now?'. And I was hoping and praying that he wasn't really sick, so we could still go. When they told me he had strep, he looked up and said - Now? Drummers? I called Aaron and told him that we were getting the meds, and going to the drummers. Aaron was totally against it - but the look of expectation on Cam's face? We had to go.

And it was SO worth it. The people there were so welcoming and friendly. The let Cam sit right in the circle and play. The older men were giving him big smiles and showing him how to play, and were so gentle and kind to a shy 2 year old. Cam couldn't stop talking about it on the way home - telling me that next time, 'Daddy come wid me!'.

Today, Aaron is home with Cam, and I guess all he is doing is playing on his drum.

Demotivated

Remember that very awesome quilt I made Aaron's grandmother? I don't know if I mentioned, but it took me hundreds of hours and hundreds of dollars to make? Someone was visiting my grandmother this weekend, and noticed that I forgot her kids. Yep. Completely forgot them. I felt awful when the phone call came in, but the worst part? The call didn't come from my grandmother or D, the woman whose children I forgot - but from the busy body other Aunt. And in the back round everyone was yelling about how much TROUBLE I was in. So now, something that I poured my heart and soul into will no longer be the awesome quilt.... but the quilt in which I forgot Della and Jake. Fuck. *

And work. The release we've been working on went live this weekend, and yet another unexplainable issue arose and we backed it out. I feel like the new projects that I work on are a crap shoot. Like all of the planning in the world doesn't seem to avoid issues. And that is completely demotivating. I just sat and watched the emails flying yesterday afternoon, and all I wanted to do was to run away. I used to be AWESOME at my job. I had the best team, people were copying my stuff and using it as examples for best practices.... I was excited about my job. But now, doing the exact same thing, using the same logic.... but the communication in my new applications is lacking - and MAJOR things aren't found out until we go live and they fail. Because, no. No one mentioned that they were changing all the SQL to dynamic. So we didn't test that. Or that an obscure application that interfaces with mine is increasing volume by 3 times. Nope. Didn't know that.

And instead of diving into the issue like I used to, and taking it personally and working through it... I just feel done. WTF. People don't seem to want to take ownership or care how anything impacts anyone else... and I want to be like that too. But I'll sit here and keep working through the issue and fixing the quilt because that's who I am... but I feel bad about it all. And that sucks.

ETA: To add insult to injury, the formating on this fucking post is all screwed up.


*The good news on the quilt situtation is that it's totally fixable.

I can't get this week figured out

Tuesday I thought it was Thursday.

Today I thought it was Friday.

I've been working like a crazy lady for the past 3 weeks and I need some time to recoup and recover. I thought that would come this week, but this project that I'm working on is somewhat like death by a 1000 paper cuts. It goes live on Saturday - fingers crossed that everything is OK in production and I can just be DONE. Well, until the next cycle of craziness starts.

I have been slowly introducing all my normal foods back in after the cleanse, and none are bad. I haven't done any super high fat stuff, but anything else - fine. And the frustrating thing is that I was consuming about 1000 calories a day on the cleanse, and am now eating about 1600, and over the past week, have gained about a pound back. I do still feel better eating well, but seem to be back to that place where I have to accept that I need to eat well to feel better, and not worry about the weight loss. Thanks to my messed up metabolism from when I was a kid, this is where I am. I need to either eat 1000 calories a day (which is nothing) or accept where I am. Be healthy at my size.

So, I'm going to work at that. I do plan on quiting my gym and trying out a new, local Bikram yoga studio. I was going all the time before Cam was born, and I liked it a lot. I'm just not really a gym person. I'd rather swim or walk or do yoga. We'll see how it goes.

Some sadness, and I wish I was my kids.

Jen had a miscarriage this weekend. She was 16.5 weeks, so it really doesn't seem fair that it's called a miscarriage. When she posted that she didn't hear a heartbeat on her Doppler, my heart sank a little. It's a strange thing, but I feel like in losing Nora, I've taken away the chance of bad things happening to people I know. Like I've already taken the hit. And I can already hear the things people will say to her, meaning well, but awful at the same time. And my heart just breaks for her. She's a strong woman with a wonderful circle of friends, and I can tell you - that means a hell of a lot. So, Jenn, I'm thinking of you and sending you love as much as I can.

But, in thinking of what Jen was dealing with this weekend, I was reflecting on what WE did, and realized that this weekend was a whirlwind of awesome stuff for the gang:

• Cam's best bud from school came for a playdate Saturday morning


• After nap, we went and got Cam a football. Like the Big Kids who play outside on our street


• Sunday at church, there were Native American drummers. Every time they finished a drum song Cam would clap wildly (no one else was clapping - they were being respectful at music in church) and when our minister got up to talk, he said loudly MORE DRUMS! NO TALK!


• Needless to say, the Chief was in love with him, and invited us to come hear them practice on a Wednesday night.


• Right after church, we went to our Aunt and Uncle's house, where both kids get treated like movie stars.


• Lunch involved pizza.


• After nap, Sue-ANNE was there to play with everyone!


• Cam got a late birthday present. It was a stomp rocket. Enough said.


• And we got a bag of hand me down's that included a shirt with a monkey wearing a fireman hat. This was found with much excitement, and he is wearing it today.

In not so great news, Maggie is getting two more molars in and is M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. Which of course means that she will makes the rest of us feel her pain until they break through.

My cleanse is over and I've officially lost 10 pounds. I'm slowly introducing foods back in and finding what makes me feel good/bad. I had a bagel for breakfast on Saturday, and I felt very bad. But I had a turkey sandwich on Sunday for lunch, and felt fine. So I'm thinking that I need to eat carbs/gluten with a protein. Which makes sense. Tonight, I'm hopefully adding in soy - on SUSHI. Yum yum.

3 years ago today...

A little embryo was transferred and turned into my lucky charm:


And now we've got our other piece of sunshine:


Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Random Monday

We had such a busy weekend, I need to bullet point it.

• Have you heard of kidtoons? They are small child friendly movies at real movie theaters. Aaron took Cam on Sunday and he had a BLAST.


• Maggie had her very first playdate with a kid her age without Cam around. She loved it.


• Aaron's mother was visiting - and it was great. The kids loved her, we enjoyed having her. Nice change from a few years ago.


• We also went to a friends house who has 3 'big boys' (8, 11 and 13 years old) and Cam LOVED it there. They brought out their old train tracks and they had a blast playing.


• I fed the kids meatballs last night and they ate them. Shocking.


• Maggie and I spent time with her godmother while Cam watched the movie, and she walked into her house like she owned the place. It was great. I love it when she is comfortable with someone I want her to love.


• I got my fingernails shallaced. It's supposed to last 3 weeks. I feel fancy with painted nails. Love it.

For itiswhatitis


• On day 14 of my official cleanse, day 21 of no sugar, wheat, eggs, milk, red meat, alcohol or sugar. I feel great and have lost 10 pounds. One more week to go and then I start reintroducing foods. I'm totally starting with sushi. And vodka.


• Abby, my older dog, is getting surgery on her ear and gums on Weds. I'm pretending not to freak out about it, but I am.

Phew.

This week is really the first week that I've been totally SLAMMED at work since I went back. I was online last night until 10 - but members of my team were up until 3 AM. And wow - it's different. My work is usually like this, waxes and wanes with the different software releases we do - but I'm out of practice! And, in testament to how awesome Aaron is, he noticed. And wrote me a nice note yesterday while I was at work telling me that he knows things are stressful for me at work - and to remember that he is here for me and he is capable of doing stuff too.

Because I've been the person that goes to the grocery store on the way home because I'm always out on time. And I make dinner, because I'm home first. And I push through laundry when I'm working from home because I have the time. And now, I'm back to being a 'normal' working mom - loads of things to do, and not enough time to do it. But thankfully - I've got an awesome partner and we'll get it all sorted out.

Today is cleaning lady day - which is the time every two weeks that I pick up, straighten up and organize more than other days - because the neater everything is, the cleaner they get things. And oh... how I love a clean house (especially when I'm not the one cleaning it. Plus, my mother in law is visiting and I get a little edgy about things when she is here. I'm sure you all know what that is like, lol.

I need sun.

It's been a long winter here. So much snow! We are FINALLY starting to thaw, but as of this morning, we still had about 12 inches for snow in our front yard. Gloriously, it's melting today - but of course that is because it's raining. Need. Sun. Now.

On a whim, I started sorting through Cam's summer clothes. They are all 2T, and he is solidly in 3T now. And we all know how I love finding good deals and hand me downs. My local twins list is having a big tag sale in April, so I figured that a lot of people on the list had been searching thought their stuff in preparation for the sale. So I posted that I was looking for 3T summer stuff, and hit the jackpot. I got loads of shirts and short for less than $1 a piece.

Then, I found a website with cheap plain tee shirts, and I'm planning on doing some applique, freezer paper stencils, and maybe even a tie-dye party. The two other shirts I embellished for Cam were such a success, I'm definitely doing more.

And then, Rugged Bear, a local children's clothing shop, is going out of business... so I was looking at Keene's for Cam for the summer too.

And I found swim lessons at the local lake for Cam to take, and hopefully his best buddy will join him (along with Maggie, of course).

So, if the sun isn't going to shine, I'll just dream about it. And plan for it.

When you least expect it.

Sunday, Aaron and I were at church. We go pretty much every Sunday. It's part of out routine. We get up, go out to breakfast, go to church and hang out at coffee hour, catching up with people while the kids run around like crazy people. I like church. I grew up going to an Episcopal church and I think it was a great thing - gave me a different world view than what I got during the week at school, and I think that is where I learned the Golden Rule. I've gone to church on and off as an adult, and when we settled in our house, I decided to start attending this Unitarian Universalist Church in the center of town.

It's a great group of people, we've made some real friends there, and I enjoy the community. When I was pregnant with the twins, another member was also pregnant. She had a hard time getting pregnant too, and we would talk about things. We weren't close, but 'pregnancy buddies'. I even think I posted here when she lost her baby. It was about 2 months before the twins were born... and they almost lost the mother too. It was SO awful at the time.

And then, we lost Nora.

So, when we see each other at coffee hour (which isn't often because they go to a different service) we nod and kind of share a look like 'are you ok?'. But this past Sunday, her wife stood up and told their story for stewardship Sunday - talking about how this church has been a place that has supported them through their best times (their wedding) and the worst (the death of their son). The minute she stepped up, I knew what she was going to talk about, and I just sobbed. It was awful.

And that is what the pain has changed to. It's been over a year. I still think of Nora everyday, but not in a sad way, usually. It's changed from a sharp pain stabbing my heart to a dull ache. Every once in a while, though, it get whacked with it - full on. I just sob. And it can be something obvious - like someone telling a very similar story, or something like listening to Christmas carols or watching my niece ice skate - totally random stuff. I'm guessing that's a normal thing - but when it happens it really knocks the wind out of my sails.

Follow up to the food. And a bit of fun.

I'm on Day 2 of the real cleanse, and continue to feel great and not hungry at all. Which makes me wonder why the heck I was eating so much to begin with. And I DID feel hungry before. I guess just the wrong things? Although last night I made one of the 'soups' (if your definition of soup is raw vegetables spun up in the blender, so it's somewhat crunchy and DISGUSTING) and I couldn't eat/drink it. It made me gag it was so nasty. And my buddy made a different recipe to similar results. Nasty nasty nasty. So, I may have 21 days of smoothies. But whatever - I feel good and have lost 4 pounds already.

And I was SO afraid to get on that scale. I don't know why. Weighing yourself should just be information, not a judgement. But it always is for me. The good news is that when I weighed myself that first time, I wasn't as heavy as I thought I'd be. I guess fat does weigh less than muscle.

Saturday, I did a little girls night with a couple of my friends. The night started off with a cheap massage at the mall - who knew? It was a little strange, because you could hear all the mall noise and everything, but it felt SO wonderful! And then some appetizers for dinner - and rounded out with seeing the King's Speech. I haven't gone out like that in ages, and I realized that I still feel a little guilty for leaving Aaron with the kids for that whole week while I went to my dad's funeral. Which is silly. I needed a little downtime, and it was perfect.