Ah. This is going to be fun. But I've been thinking about this a lot as I prep for this cleanse... so here it is.
Growing up, my mother was totally and completely obsessed with food. And weight. Still is. I was weighed every Wednesday morning and she kept a calendar with both our weights on it. She weighed and measured every ounce we ate. I couldn't eat if I was hungry unless it was a mealtime. She put me on Weight Watchers at the age of 12. Since my parents were divorced, when I would spend time with my dad - I would eat 'normal' - and get dessert and stuff. I remember being so excited to have ice cream and popcorn WITH BUTTER!
I was a day student at a boarding school, so in high school things changed. I had breakfast, lunch and dinner at school. So I got to eat more 'normally' - especially given that I did three varsity sports - so was working out at least 2 hours a day. College, same thing. I graduated. Got a job where I was working 100 hours a week. No exercise - and a lot of take out food. I gained weight, and then got back into exercising and did weight watchers with a lot of success.
Then, I got into an awful relationship - boarding on abusive. I stopped eating because I felt awful. I weighed less than I did in high school. My Mom wouldn't stop telling me how great I looked, my friends were worried. I think I lost about 60 pounds in maybe 2 months? It was crazy.
I tried to maintain that weight loss for a while, and I just couldn't. I got back up to where I was in college, and stuck there for a long time. I worked out in a reasonable fashion (but for me, reasonable was still at least an hour a day). I met Aaron, and we started doing triathlons.... and no weight loss! It blew my mind that I was working out an insane amount and not a stick figure. So I went to a nutritionist who told me that the small amount of food I ate growing up programed my body to survive on a small amount of calories (which has served me well - I do great in long distance athletics). Also - she explained that I'm Big. I have a very large bone structure, so I'll never be a little person (also served me well - I've never broken a bone!). She compared it with asking a Great Dane to become a toy poodle. Just wasn't going to happen.
Then started the last 5 years of dealing with infertility, the ectopic, the m/c, my FIL's stroke, being pregnant for two years straight, Nora's death... I just couldn't deal with my weight issues and all that. And I've gained weight. I'm maybe 50 pounds more than I was when I got married? I'm uncomfortable in my skin. And in the past, I've never felt that way. And like I said last week, I'm finally ready to work on it.
So. Here I am on day 3 of eating pretty great. I'm having a smoothie of some sort for breakfast, and lunch and dinner involves only whole grains , vegatables and chicken/fish/legumes. I feel good. I'm not hungry. I've done things like this a few times, I was a vegetarian for a while when I was just out of college, I did South Beach when I was trying to lose weight for IF.... I always feel better eating better. But I can't stick with it. WHY?! I think that I'm a bit of an emotional eater (if you can believe it, if my mom and I had a really bad day - she would take me to Friendly's and we would have a big Reese's pieces sundae for dinner) - but I recognize it... and usually stop. There is a little voice in my head that tells me I SHOULD be able to eat an ice cream cone and not worry about gaining weight. Which I should... but I take it to a level where I'm wanting that ice cream cone every night. And something else I've noticed... I love feeling full. Having a nice, big plate of pasta with eggplant parm and garlic bread - send me to heaven right now.
But with kids comes a whole other level. I need to set a good example for them. I need to show them that eating healthy is fine... but also that having that ice cream cone as a treat on a weekend is fun too! And to be healthier and happier with my own body will help me enjoy their childhood too. I think I need to try and recognize that the food issues from my childhood really aren't helping the 'grown up' me, and try and make a new relationship with food. Not an easy task.