Tuesday, October 16, 2007

It's really happening, isn't it?

It's slowly sinking in that I'm actually getting ready to start my IVF cycle. The cycle that I've been waiting for almost a year for. I know that we all complain about how much the waiting sucks... but in hind site, I think I needed this time off.

Oct 19th, 2006 - my husband and I happily made our way to my 6 week ultrasound. I had already had a whole list of names in my head, already finished knitting a whole baby sweater.... and we found out it was ectopic. Not really what we were expecting, to say the least. I was devastated. I wanted to jump right back into TTCing. I raged at Aaron. I felt like I was 'broken'. I was desperately trying to 'relax'. I dropped 30 pounds thinking maybe it was my weight that was the issue.

Months passed. Still no sign of a pregnancy. We made the big decision to go to IVF in April. We got delayed. And rejected. And rejected. Somewhere in those months, I came to a weird sort of peace. I became my own advocate. I changed docs. I stopped working out 3 hours a day.

I was getting so spun up in the moment.... people giving me advice about what to do, what may help, my doctor talking about different thing for us to try..... I was out of control. This 'forced' TTC break (even though we were trying on our own) was probably the best thing that could have happened (shhh don't tell Aaron!). Now that we are FINALLY ready. Now that I FINALLY have my meds sitting in the frig... my plans made - I feel calm.

I obviously hope this works the very first time. I would love to bring home a baby in July. And I feel like I am in control this time around. Me. And that is the most important thing.

Not saying that the whole needle up my ho-ha doesn't make me nervous. Or that I'm looking forward to the weeks of shots. But I'm ready, and I'm in a good place. Now, let's hope I can stay here!


Baby Step said...

I am right here with you, every step of the way. I hope it works the first time for you too. :-)

Geohde said...

I hope that it works first 'shot' for you. :)

I am learning the hard way just how difficult it is to admit that throwing money at the problem does not = bring home baby.

It scares the shit out of me, quite frankly. Our best embryo(s) didn't work, and it's diminishing odds with every failed retrieval and transfer (athough they don't get truly depressing until after ER3).

Such is life.



mary ellen said...

I so hope that it works the first time for you guys too. Hugs.

Bean said...

Good luck, I too hope it works for you. I know exactly what you mean about the waiting being so hard, but sometime it is actually a good thing. We're in a self-imposed wait right now too and I'm surprisingly ok with it.

Good luck.

Pajnstl said...

Wishing you Good Luck!!

Deborah said...

We are starting our first cycle of IUI this week, and I wish I could have the healthy attitude you have. I hope it works for you!

Changing Expectations said...

I hope that this works for you.