I know I don't talk much about Nora here. Not because I don't think about her, or wonder what she would be like, or that I don't miss her... but because I'm a wimp. Every time I have some downtime to think about it, I become overwhelmingly sad that I lost a baby. Watching Jen navigate through her loss of Luke makes me proud of her. She is SO strong. She got jewelry with Luke's footprint and initial. She got a picture taken of his name in the sand. I want to do those things. I do. Aaron and I still want those tattoos we talked about months ago. But I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too painful, too raw. And sometimes I feel like I'm not honoring Nora enough because I can't do it.
But I'm somehow able to talk about her tree. And the idea that we would, each year, go out as a family and plant some flowers at the base of her tree would be the opening to talk about Nora to the kids. Let her name be in their vocabulary, and let them know that they had a sister, but she isn't here anymore. And that we miss her very much and still love her.
I'm thinking that within the next few weekends, we are going to plant those flowers. I know it's going to be hard. Cameron is of this age where he gets things. And repeats things over and over again. So I have this fear that he'll be walking around saying - I have a sister Nora. We miss her (or whatever) over and over and it will just kill me. But they need to know about her and I need to do this.
It'll be hard, but I will.