Thursday, May 5, 2011

Soon

I know I don't talk much about Nora here. Not because I don't think about her, or wonder what she would be like, or that I don't miss her... but because I'm a wimp. Every time I have some downtime to think about it, I become overwhelmingly sad that I lost a baby. Watching Jen navigate through her loss of Luke makes me proud of her. She is SO strong. She got jewelry with Luke's footprint and initial. She got a picture taken of his name in the sand. I want to do those things. I do. Aaron and I still want those tattoos we talked about months ago. But I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too painful, too raw. And sometimes I feel like I'm not honoring Nora enough because I can't do it.

But I'm somehow able to talk about her tree. And the idea that we would, each year, go out as a family and plant some flowers at the base of her tree would be the opening to talk about Nora to the kids. Let her name be in their vocabulary, and let them know that they had a sister, but she isn't here anymore. And that we miss her very much and still love her.

I'm thinking that within the next few weekends, we are going to plant those flowers. I know it's going to be hard. Cameron is of this age where he gets things. And repeats things over and over again. So I have this fear that he'll be walking around saying - I have a sister Nora. We miss her (or whatever) over and over and it will just kill me. But they need to know about her and I need to do this.

It'll be hard, but I will.

9 comments:

serenity said...

We all deal with grief in the best way we can. I think you're going to have to be gentle with yourself for many, many years, hon. Because you're dealing with Nora's loss as best as you can.

I think planting flowers under her tree is a wonderful way to honor her.

Hugs.

xoxo

kate said...

i don't comment much, but i read & for what it's worth-- i think you are amazing, & doing a beautiful job of honoring your daughter. ((hugs))

HereWeGoAJen said...

You are doing what is right for you. And you are all that matters.

Deborah said...

I'm sure that's going to be really hard. But I bet that once you do it the first time, it won't be so hard in the future. It'd be wonderful if your 2 other kids always grow up knowing about Nora and you don't ever have to "tell" them. But like the others said, you do what's right for you.

Michele said...

Some of us are more verbal... It's not bravery, just a difference. I second Jen: you have to do what is right for you and your family.

Sara said...

Grief. We all deal with it differently. And until you lose a child, you don't really know how it will affect you.

I read other people's blogs - people who have lost a child and then gone on to have subsequent children. Their children will see a picture of their angel sibling and kiss it, etc... My daughter doesn't do that with the picture I have of her brother. I wish she did- I talk about him and tell her about her brother. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing enough...

You are doing a great job. I think that planting flowers is a beautiful way to honor your Nora.

Heather said...

The kids will have more questions as they get older, and answering will make it easier for you to talk about Nora. Sometimes, the kids are the ones that help and teach us.

Tara said...

I think the tree and the planting of flowers under it is a beautiful and terrific way of honoring Nora.

Everyone does grief differently. You're not doing anything wrong by protecting your heart a little.

Carrie R said...

Bless you, Cece. Your comment on "Motherhood Uncensored" brought a tear to my eye, so I came here to read more from you, and had more tears when reading your profile. I lost a child at birth, and I agree, it is so hard to talk about, deal with, keep in our lives. We've since had another, who will be 4 when this current pregnancy delivers us our third. Thank you for sharing your stories. We plant flowers in a special garden too, and it always feels so good after. I look forward to hearing more about your life through this blog.