I wish I could get past the hurt that Aaron's brother did by not coming to Nora's funeral. I can't. And the pain is just as raw today as it was 18 months ago. A Little Pregnant tweeted a post from The Spectrum this morning, and I want everyone I know to read it, and understand how important it is to show up.
Please read this.
The quote that hit me was this "You show up," my mother told me, a little lost in the memory. "It's awkward and uncomfortable but you just. show. up."
And of course, she is mentioning just how hard it to know what to do when someone dies. Do you show up? Bring food? Flowers? Hug? Not hug? Laugh? Cry? Because it's is awkward. But this is the time in life where you suck it up and go to the wake and be there and flounder and find what you can do to help in what is usually an awful time. And know that you are doing your best. Even if it's just walking over, mumbling 'I'm sorry' and giving a hug. It shows you care.
For me, it goes a step further. No matter what other bullshit is going on in your relationship with that person, if someone you love has a death in the family - you show up. You support them. You let them know, no matter what else may be going on in the background, that your love for them in that moment is more important than anything else right then.
We didn't get that from Aaron's brother. And it hurts deeply. It still saddens me. That something as tragic as our daughters death was made that much worse by something as easy to do as just showing up. He didn't have to be center stage and hold Aaron's hand during the memorial service, but if he was just THERE it would have made a huge difference. It would have shown he loved Aaron unconditionally. But he didn't.
Please please please, if you question what to do when someone dies, think of this post and just show up. It means more that you can even imagine.
12 comments:
Thank you for sharing that link. I was a reminder to me that we are all human & all need to be there for each othere no matter what! Thanks!
Too often we’re caught up in our little worlds and how we would handle a situation. Personally, with my wasp upbringing, I automatically retreat and do not look to friends when something bad happens to me. (Not saying this is healthy, but I’m an introvert). So it takes posts like this to realize the importance of being there and putting the decision in the hands of the grieved one to accept the support or not. This year I started a new job and soon after received a mass email announcing someone’s mother had died. At a 300+ company I had only crossed paths with the individual once - a brief 10 minute conversation. So what do you do. So easy to stay mum. I procrastinated but a few days later sent a brief two liner condolence email. My old self from 5 years probably wouldn’t have done that. But seeing the grieving process others take I’ve started realizing the importance of these little gestures. And sure enough, when he returned, he expressed his gratitude to me. Well worth the 20 minutes trying to figure out what to write.
Thanks for the link to that post. It is profound and I think EVERYONE should read it.
I'm sorry that you did not have the support from your brother-in-law at the time of Nora's death....so sad. I hope that someday you can let go of that and heal from that encounter.
I saw that on Twitter too and I thought it was excellent. And I wish everyone I knew had read it.
Thanks so much for sharing, I think I may pass it along too. You are so right, even if you do the wrong thing, it's better than doing nothing. I don't blame you for being hurt and I can't imagine how Aaron feels about it. I hope his brother realizes some day what his pride has done to his relationship with your family.
I wish I could send this post to everyone I know and tell them not only to read it but commit it to memory.
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That was the hardest part for me when we lost Connor. So many people we thought we could count on, who would be there for us, didn't show up. Their excuses were wide and varied... but many said that they didn't think it was "appropriate" for them to be there or that "it was too hard". I guess they forgot that we were saying goodbye to our son-- it doesn't get much harder than that. But in the end, I will say that it helped us to realize our true friends and who we could really count on.
well said, and so very true.
I finally read the link, and wow, is that perfectly written.
I definitely did NOT show up when the first of my friend's parents' died, and one friendship will never be the same. I went to the funerals, but I let the uncomfortableness control my actions for too long. It took the death of my son nearly 10 years later to really realize how shitty I was.
Thank you for your post. I so agree with you - and your mom and the author of the link you shared. When my Mom died last year I had one uncle (her brother) who didn't show up.... all kinds of excuses... and then he created some more problems in the family making it so that now he's not speaking to me or his other brother. It still hurts me too that he didn't show up....and that he can't get past his own BS now to be here for me - his sister's only child. Sometimes people are really disappointing.
Thank you for your post. I so agree with you - and your mom and the author of the link you shared. When my Mom died last year I had one uncle (her brother) who didn't show up.... all kinds of excuses... and then he created some more problems in the family making it so that now he's not speaking to me or his other brother. It still hurts me too that he didn't show up....and that he can't get past his own BS now to be here for me - his sister's only child. Sometimes people are really disappointing.
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