Totally fine

So. This is the picture that daycare sent me yesterday:

Needless to say, Hulk likes daycare.

And I have to admit, I like working. I was nervous that while I was out -they would discover that they didn't really need me - my boss didn't get a temp for my job while I was gone. His theory was that everyone would take on 10% of my job, and it would all work out. More than one person said that it was more like 40% extra work. Ha! Definitely makes me feel good.

We got home last night, Aaron and I took the dogs and Hulk for a walk. Aaron fed him his bottle while I made dinner and our lunches for the next day. He passed out in his swing while Aaron and I ate dinner... and slept there for almost 2 hours. We woke him up for a bath and a bottle, and he slept for 9 hours!

I was so nervous for this whole thing, and now that it's finally happening, I know it will be totally fine. I got up with Hulk this morning, gave him his bottle and we snuggled and played in bed for about 45 minutes. He played on the bed while I got ready - and then I dropped him off - so far, seems like a doable routine.

I guess the best way to explain it is that when I'm home with him, I'm always on edge. Sure - he sleeps, but I always have one ear listening for him. When he is awake, I feel like I need to be right with him, playing or 'engaging' him. And you are always trying to schedule the day around when he needs a bottle or whatever. Add into the mix two hyper active boxers. When Hulk would sleep and I would try to get stuff done, they would be on my heels and tripping me up. When Hulk would be crying - they would be wrestling and running around the house. By the end of the day, I would just be totally DONE. Baby-tending is really hard work! Yesterday, I slayed all the dragons at the office, picked up Hulk, and had a really nice evening with him (even got to take the dogs for that little walk!). I'm thinking that working/day care is going to make me a better mom.

Thanks for all the nice words yesterday - it helped me get through the day.

I'm here

Well. I'm at work. I thought I was going to be totally fine dropping Hulk off at daycare... but when I arrived, there was a sign on the front door that said 'Welcome Hulk' and I started crying.

I really thought I was tougher than that.

Work is fine. I've been here for 2 hours, and no one is here! Banker's hours, I guess - lol. I'm probably going to leave at 3:30 to go gather up my little man.

Overwhelmed? PMS? Who the hell knows

To more I think about going back to work, the more I think about how hard it is to get things done around here now. And I started getting totally overwhelmed. Aaron is better that about 99% of the husbands I know... but still - inside the house, I do more. He volunteers to help, but I usually just say I'll do it - that it's 'no problem'. And it usually isn't. But for whatever reason, today it is. The fact that I cook dinner, and do the dishes. It actually isn't so much the WASHING of the dishes, but the putting away of the dishes. Or I grocery shop. Or I pick up for the cleaning ladies. Or, when he is sitting and feeding Hulk, and I'm sitting trying to do something else - I hear "Mom!? Burp cloth?" And I run over and get him one. Sigh. See how silly the things that that are pissing me off?

There are loads of other things that are pissing me off right now, but I know a lot of it is wrapped up in the stress of going back to work. The fact that I know a bunch of people quit when I was gone. And the joy of working in banking, where things are totally stressed out.

And. I'm guess that I will be getting AF soon.

Awesome.

Sad and maybe losing it.

So. Thursday I go back to work. I've known it was coming for a while - and honestly, I know it's the right thing for me. Definitely. Not just for the family's finances, but for me as a person. I'm vested in my job, the success of the projects, and the guys that work for me. I take pride in what we do, and I've been there for 8+ years (since the very beginning of the product I work on) and with that comes a level of understanding that many don't get.

But. And this is a BIG but. I freaking love being here with Hulk. I love getting up with him at night (even when I'm super tired) and cuddling with him while he drinks that night-time bottle. I love the huge smile I get when he wakes up at 7 and comes and plays in bed with me until we decide to move on with our day. I love talking with him as we go for walks and do chores. I love the little noises he makes (like his is doing right now) at he settles down to take a nap. I love the fact that people comment as they look at him that he follows my voice around the room. I love sticking him in the Moby wrap and holding him close.

Today I went to the mall to get some clothes, with limited success (found pants but no shirts. damnit). I came home, and made lunch - and in the process dropped and smashed a bowl with a yummy spinach salad in it. And yelled FUCK at the top of my lungs, and then lost it at the dogs (who are constantly plotting against me to achieve this exact thing. It has never worked before, and the sheer look of JOY that they maybe were getting a treat royally pissed me off. Add in the fact that when they found it was a salad, they turned there noses up and walked away really made me lose it). Normally, this wouldn't have set me off.

I guess I'm more conflicted than I thought. I'm a bit annoyed at little things - like last night when I wanted to go to bed at 8:30, my husband was like - you know, you aren't going to be able to do that when you go back to work. First of all - who the fuck cares? I'm NOT going back to work until Thursday! And second... whatever. It think he (and me to to tell the truth) is nervous for me to go back to work. Although technically we agreed my 'job' was to just take care of Hulk - once I got the hang of things - I've been making the dinners, cleaning up the kitchen, washing Hulk's clothes, putting them away, cleaning up the house for the cleaning ladies (I know, I know). And it isn't like Aaron hasn't been doing anything - he finished the laundry and deals with the snow and the garbage and does his totally fair share of the 'Baby Maintenance' as we like to call it (feeding, washing, changing). So - something is going to have to give... wonder if it's going to be my sanity?

Add into the fact that I thought that I'd do all this working out while I was on leave. Project 'Get my Body Back'. And I totally haven't been able to. I was doing well there for a while - going for walks and stuff - then we got the plague. Lately, I just haven't been going for walks during the day or pushing to go to the gym at the end of the day, when Aaron could be watching him. And now, I feel like I totally won't ever have time to go - is it even worth joining the gym again? I just don't know.

So. Here we go. Life is going to totally change again. And I'm freaking out a little bit.

New Phase and a condensed TTC history for IComLeavWe

Wow. For the past week, Hulk has been sleeping 8 - 9+ hours a night. It's freaking awesome. What is NOT awesome is that he now is totally up in the morning, but not really sure what he wants. I swear, this is his thought process:

Hi! Hi! *smiles*
Wait. What is that thing (staring at the window)?
I don't WANT TO BE IN MY SWING ANYMORE.
CRY
Oh. Hi mom. *smiles*
Nice. I like being on Mom's shoulder (nuzzles in).
Wait! I don't want to be held. putmedownputmedonputmedown.
Phew. I really want to be put down. Laying on this play mat this is nice.
AUGH! I don't want to lay down!
NOOOOOOO not on the shoulder!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! All you do is torture me!!!!!
Yes. That is nice. Bumbo seats are fun, thanks.
Oh. I'm getting sleeping.... so sleepy.
NO! NO! NOT IN THE SWING!
HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME. (insert baby in sling)
*pause for 5 minutes of happy baby, sometimes maybe up to 15 minutes*
Mom. Mom. Mom. I'm hot. Take me out. OUT OUT OUT.
Wait. Yes. Yes, maybe the swing is ok.

Lather, rinse repeat. People who asked if I was sad about going back to work? Not so much right now, lol.

For those of you here from Icomleavwe - figured I'd give a quick condensed history of our TTC:
Spring 2005 - off the pill.
Spring 2006 - first visit to RE. Diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility. 3 cycles of clomid with IUI
Oct 06 - in between the clomid cycles and starting injectables, got pregnant. Turned out to be ectopic. Devestated.
Oct 06- Oct 07: Forced break because insurance now deems me fertile because of the ectopic pregnancy. Frustrating and annoying.
Sept 07 - change REs because mine is an asshole.
Nov 07, get pregnant on first IVF cycle, very low HCG, miscarriage in Dec.
March 08: Pregnant with Hulk after second IVF cycle!
Dec 08: Hulk enters the world.... life as we know it changes dramatically!

List Day

I'm totally starting to get a 'flow' with this whole parenting thing. Since I'm on a roll with getting stuff done today, I'll throw my past week into bullet form:

• Valentine's Day! We went to an AWESOME dinner at Burton's Grill. Good martini's, awesome steak, and 3 hours together without Hulk. It's totally different to be eating without someone holding a baby.
• Day Care. I dropped off all the paper work for Hulk's first day at daycare... I'm still trying to figure out what I think of all that. On one hand - glad to have a job to go back to, but on the other hand - loving being with my little man.
• Dinner guests! 2 nights in a row, I cooked for other people! Before going through IVF, we used to be the 'dinner party people'. We would often throw dinner parties for 4 couples or more. Doing that again made me feel totally normal. And the fact that both dinner were totally tasty was a plus.
• Sleeping! The past 3 nights, Hulk has slept 8+ hours (last night, 9). I feel that I have regained about 20 IQ points with a full night's sleep.
• Shopping! Today, I went to the mall and got myself a few things that I've wanted for a while. I figured it was ok to get myself some 'going back to work' presents. I got a new wallet, some stuff from Lush, and a panini maker! Hurrah.
• Baking! I used to bake bread every once in a while, but I was afraid to even try with Hulk in the picture. I baked some awesome bread on Saturday, and today, I'm thinking of trying English Muffins. I've never made those before - so we'll see.
• The truck. Aaron is going to give the check and pick up the truck today. I'll be glad to have that drama OVER. Anyone want to buy a 2002 Max.ima?

I think that is everything for now - off to give those English Muffins a whirl.

Nesting?

WTF? I just spent all morning cleaning all our bed linens. Since I was upstairs, I went through all of Hulk's clothes. We are lucky enough to have friends that have given us AWESOME hand me downs (the coolest was right after he was born, a neighbor brought over newborn 'boy' stuff - I loved dressing him up in those little blue outfits! Not that I don't still love dressing him up....). I also have a huge amount of gifts now that we are hitting the 6 month size.

That's right. 6 month size at almost 11 weeks. Never call my boy petite!

But I went through all the drawers, pulled out everything. I took the stuff that didn't fit and sorted by 'to give away' and 'save'. I pulled out a bunch of gifts and good thing I did! Some were ready to be worn! And then I put them all back in the drawers with some semblance of order.

Hulk hung out in his crib... happily playing along - until the batteries in his mobile died. That was a massive crisis... heightened by the fact that the rechargeable batteries weren't recharged. Why is it that baby toys have all the batteries SCREWED into the back of the toy!?! I had to move the crib, find a screwdriver, put in the batteries, screw it BACK on... only to find out the damn batteries weren't charged. I ran downstairs, got normal batteries, unscrewed the back, put them in.... all the while Hulk is whimpering (thank god we didn't make it to meltdown) for me to get it going again. Then he fell asleep! In his crib! For almost an hour!!!!!

I then went and organized my bedroom a little. But seriously - this is more nesting that I did before Hulk arrived. Did anyone else go wacko before they went back to work!? I've only got a week left on my maternity leave.

Hurrah

So. This weekend I had loads of fun. BUT. I will wait to report on that for another day. Today, I would like to show my BEST VALENTINE'S PRESENT EVER.

The laundry is officially upstairs.

This is Aaron, realizing that although a small closet space was all we could fit if we wanted the laundry upstairs.... that the logistics of getting everything plugged in may be difficult.

We recruited our friend Suzanne, who is a size 0. Unfortunately, size zero people don't really have a lot going on in the upper arm strength department.... so even though she could fit in the small space, she couldn't get the leverage she needed to screw in the damn sheet metal screws:
But - in the end, my excitement today is doing laundry. Upstairs.*

* Which, since I'm at home all day isn't all that great, because I'm running up and down the stairs to do it. BUT. It will all be wonderful when I'm working, and can throw a load in at night before bed. At least I'm not running up and down the stairs with the laundry though!

Annoying things and good things

Last night, Hulk was super fussy for Grandma. I walked to my Aunt's house from ours (3.5 miles). It took a good hour to get there, and he was totally fine. While I was there, he was also fine... maybe a bit fussy, but no more than usual. I arrived at around 5 - changed his diaper around 5:30. We left at 7, and he was sleeping. When we picked him up, they said he didn't sleep for more than 30 minutes - which is weird because he usually takes a nice long nap in the evening. They also said that he woke up covered in sweat. They thought he was having a reaction to the shots that morning. I think that was part of it - but they also were holding him all wrapped up in a blanket in a pretty warm room (that always makes him sweat) and when we got home? He had a five pound pee diaper. I was annoyed - because they obviously hadn't changed him - and wouldn't you be pissed if you hadn't had a new diaper for 4 hours!? Jesus.

They did go out and get him baby Tylenol, which I think was a good thing. His little arm is certainly sore today after those shots. Aaron and I gave him a dose last night before bed and he slept a good 7 hours. I gave him another dose this morning, and he seems much less upset. I'll be taking Jen's advice, and giving him a dose BEFORE his 4 month shots for sure.

The good thing from yesterday? I went out and got the Baby Aveeno lotion for his dry skin (the doc said that the Johnson and Johnson's one actually drys out little baby's skin) and overnight he face is visibly less dry! It's awesome!

Not So Wordless Wednesday

Today was Hulk's 2 month checkup. This is the first one that Aaron didn't come with me, and of course the one where he got shots. I understand that there are people that had a bunch of different theories on getting immunized - my opinion is that there are some scary diseases out there, and the shots are important. I plan on following the schedule as recommended by my doc.

This was also the first time that I met my actual doctor - and she is great. I caught her up on the stuff we went through for breastfeeding, and she was very supportive. She asked how he was eating (about 6 ozs ever 3 - 4 hours) and sleeping (5 - 7 hours a night in a row) and she said it was all looking great! He weighed in at 14 lbs, 10 oz (90th percentile for weight) and 24 3/4 inches long (89th percentile for height). She said he was big - but doing great for his own curve. He's pretty much been in the 90th percentile since he was born.

I tried to time things so he would need a bottle for the shots, hoping that would help keep him calm... and it looked like maybe it would work. Until he actually got he first shot. He little face screwed up into a bright red ball of fury! He was PISSED. It took me about 10 minutes to calm him down... and he's been sleeping ever since.

Aaron's mom is in town, and is going to watch him for us while we go out for a few hours tonight. She is super excited about it, and I can only hope that he isn't super cranky thanks to the shots. The weather here is beautiful, so I'm planning taking a walk with Hulk this afternoon too.

Quiet Day

Today was a day of getting back to normal. This past week has been totally crazy. The three large drama's in our families are as follows:

1. Aaron's older brother is the POA for his father. The truck that Aaron drives is technically his father's truck - but all along it was intended to be Aaron's truck. So much so, that his father went out and bought another exact same truck for himself. His brother decided to give Aaron and I 4 days notice as to whether we would buy it for $16,000. Right. Like we have 16k just sitting around. We offered 8K (which is all we really can pay, and to the point that we were never planning on NEEDING to buy a truck - hence the reason we bought my super fancy car last summer). His brother said that wasn't a fair price. So he drove it to the dealership in CT (3.5 hours away) where my FIL bought it to see what they would offer. The offer from the dealership? $10,000.

Of course - his brother is being an ass, and actually LEFT the damn truck in CT. Obviously Aaron and I are willing to buy it for 10K - that is much more reasonable. But now, his brother says he needs to see if the lawyer will allow him to sell is for 6K under blue book. AUGH! Assuming we CAN buy it, and his brother is reasonable on the whole selling of the truck (like how we need to give over the money) we will buy it - and then need to freaking drive to 7 hours round trip to get a truck that lived at our house for the last 18 months.

2. My brother. I'm now the freaking referee between my mother and my brother. Mom isn't talking to him. And he feels like mom is pushing him away. (Which I think is somewhat justified because he thinks it is totally acceptable to think that mom should sell her cabin to get him out of the debt he's put himself in. And also expects him to co-sign a car loan for him). They just need to each other but instead talk to me.

3. Aaron's mother. She got fired from the family business (where she got her health insurance). While we were visiting (they live right next to each other) - we would walk over to show off Hulk... and at first - she said we should invite them over for drinks. The next day - we got reamed out for hanging out with them because of how awful they treated her. It's like she realized there wasn't enough drama - so she had to make some up. Augh!!!

So today - I just did a bunch of 'me' stuff. Stayed in bed until 10 (I was up at 4 and 7 to feed my little man, but he went back to sleep after each feeding - he is also pretty wiped out!). Then we ran errands.. and I came home and cleaned the frig and made a crockpot chicken stew. And when Aaron get home - I'm off to the gym. Better go get changed!

Annoyed

Sorry I have been MIA! I was trying to come up with a thoughtful post for Hulk's 2 month birthday - but I just couldn't. Last week just had a lot going on. We have 3 major family drama's at the current time.... and I'm finding it's a bit too much for me to deal with. I'm trying to not care, but I do. Sigh. It's more annoying that people can't just get over themselves, if you know what I mean.

Hulk is pretty much back to perfect health. We are starting to have more normal poopy diapers (who knew you could get so happy about normal poop? Gross). We drove down to CT to see my mother for her birthday on Thursday, and then the next day - took the ferry to Nantucket to see Aaron's mom. Hulk did great on his first overnight! But you can tell that he is totally over-tired today. There was a lot of 'pass Hulk' played with the family, and I think the poor guy just wants to be left alone.

Last night, we made a HUGE step, and moved his bed out of our room and into his. And he was a champ - sleeping for 6 hours without a peep. After he had a bottle, he went back to bed until his normal wake-up of 7 AM. I woke up a few times at night trying to listen for his breathing over the monitor... and I couldn't hear it. It took a lot of willpower not to walk into his room and check. The only thing that stopped be is the fact that the floor is super creaky in his room, and totally didn't want to wake him up.

Well, off to dinner with some girlfriends! More interesting post tomorrow, I promise.

It had to happen

I was planning on writing and telling you all about this awesome thing I found in a nearby town. Every Monday, a local movie theater has baby friendly movies! Not movies FOR the babies. Movies for the MOMS. There are babies crying all over, and no one cares! We are watching a MOVIE. They vote on it each week, and then that movies' matinee on Monday is filled with moms with little babies. No toddlers... just tiny little ones. I got to see the Curious Case of Benjamin Button!

During the movie, Hulk produced a rather substantial poopy diaper. It was his 3rd of the day, too. But I didn't think anything of it. There was minimal pooping yesterday, so I figured he was maybe catching up. He was really fussy, so I fed him more of his bottle, and got him packed in the car seat. MUCH more fussing (very unlike him). I thought he was just tired. Got him to the car...and he spit up a little. So I started to wipe it up - and Jesus. It was like he was the girl in the exorcist! Who knew he could throw up with such volume and distance!* I was worried, but thought, hey... I'll call the doc, see what they say.

After being on hold for 15 god damn minutes, then losing the call, and then AGAIN being on hold for another 10 freaking minutes... I get through to the nurse. Who freaks me out by saying that they really worry about little ones that projectile vomit. And, it a stellar moment of parenting, I start crying. I know I couldn't really have prevented him from getting it - but he obviously caught it from me, and I felt awful. I did rally. The nurse called back - and said that if he threw up 2 more times, to call back. And to get some pedialyte on hand just in case we needed it. (I'm still unsure of what I would DO with the pedialyte.... why wouldn't he just drink formula?).

Thankfully, he hasn't thrown up again. And he's had 2 six ounce bottles since the throwing up occurred. He did have another round of diarrhea, but just the one time. I hope this isn't going to get any worse - but he had to get sick eventually, right?

*On a sidenote - another great thing about being the last in my circle to have a baby. I knew to have a total change of clothes for Hulk with me, and a towel in the car. I was able to remove his vomit covered clothes and the Bundle Me from the car seat, soak everything up with the towel and change him, so he didn't have to ride home wet and sitting in puke. Colleen - if you read this - something good DID come of that day Evan threw up on your trip to Northampton!