So. Thursday I go back to work. I've known it was coming for a while - and honestly, I know it's the right thing for me. Definitely. Not just for the family's finances, but for me as a person. I'm vested in my job, the success of the projects, and the guys that work for me. I take pride in what we do, and I've been there for 8+ years (since the very beginning of the product I work on) and with that comes a level of understanding that many don't get.
But. And this is a BIG but. I freaking love being here with Hulk. I love getting up with him at night (even when I'm super tired) and cuddling with him while he drinks that night-time bottle. I love the huge smile I get when he wakes up at 7 and comes and plays in bed with me until we decide to move on with our day. I love talking with him as we go for walks and do chores. I love the little noises he makes (like his is doing right now) at he settles down to take a nap. I love the fact that people comment as they look at him that he follows my voice around the room. I love sticking him in the Moby wrap and holding him close.
Today I went to the mall to get some clothes, with limited success (found pants but no shirts. damnit). I came home, and made lunch - and in the process dropped and smashed a bowl with a yummy spinach salad in it. And yelled FUCK at the top of my lungs, and then lost it at the dogs (who are constantly plotting against me to achieve this exact thing. It has never worked before, and the sheer look of JOY that they maybe were getting a treat royally pissed me off. Add in the fact that when they found it was a salad, they turned there noses up and walked away really made me lose it). Normally, this wouldn't have set me off.
I guess I'm more conflicted than I thought. I'm a bit annoyed at little things - like last night when I wanted to go to bed at 8:30, my husband was like - you know, you aren't going to be able to do that when you go back to work. First of all - who the fuck cares? I'm NOT going back to work until Thursday! And second... whatever. It think he (and me to to tell the truth) is nervous for me to go back to work. Although technically we agreed my 'job' was to just take care of Hulk - once I got the hang of things - I've been making the dinners, cleaning up the kitchen, washing Hulk's clothes, putting them away, cleaning up the house for the cleaning ladies (I know, I know). And it isn't like Aaron hasn't been doing anything - he finished the laundry and deals with the snow and the garbage and does his totally fair share of the 'Baby Maintenance' as we like to call it (feeding, washing, changing). So - something is going to have to give... wonder if it's going to be my sanity?
Add into the fact that I thought that I'd do all this working out while I was on leave. Project 'Get my Body Back'. And I totally haven't been able to. I was doing well there for a while - going for walks and stuff - then we got the plague. Lately, I just haven't been going for walks during the day or pushing to go to the gym at the end of the day, when Aaron could be watching him. And now, I feel like I totally won't ever have time to go - is it even worth joining the gym again? I just don't know.
So. Here we go. Life is going to totally change again. And I'm freaking out a little bit.