Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sad and maybe losing it.

So. Thursday I go back to work. I've known it was coming for a while - and honestly, I know it's the right thing for me. Definitely. Not just for the family's finances, but for me as a person. I'm vested in my job, the success of the projects, and the guys that work for me. I take pride in what we do, and I've been there for 8+ years (since the very beginning of the product I work on) and with that comes a level of understanding that many don't get.

But. And this is a BIG but. I freaking love being here with Hulk. I love getting up with him at night (even when I'm super tired) and cuddling with him while he drinks that night-time bottle. I love the huge smile I get when he wakes up at 7 and comes and plays in bed with me until we decide to move on with our day. I love talking with him as we go for walks and do chores. I love the little noises he makes (like his is doing right now) at he settles down to take a nap. I love the fact that people comment as they look at him that he follows my voice around the room. I love sticking him in the Moby wrap and holding him close.

Today I went to the mall to get some clothes, with limited success (found pants but no shirts. damnit). I came home, and made lunch - and in the process dropped and smashed a bowl with a yummy spinach salad in it. And yelled FUCK at the top of my lungs, and then lost it at the dogs (who are constantly plotting against me to achieve this exact thing. It has never worked before, and the sheer look of JOY that they maybe were getting a treat royally pissed me off. Add in the fact that when they found it was a salad, they turned there noses up and walked away really made me lose it). Normally, this wouldn't have set me off.

I guess I'm more conflicted than I thought. I'm a bit annoyed at little things - like last night when I wanted to go to bed at 8:30, my husband was like - you know, you aren't going to be able to do that when you go back to work. First of all - who the fuck cares? I'm NOT going back to work until Thursday! And second... whatever. It think he (and me to to tell the truth) is nervous for me to go back to work. Although technically we agreed my 'job' was to just take care of Hulk - once I got the hang of things - I've been making the dinners, cleaning up the kitchen, washing Hulk's clothes, putting them away, cleaning up the house for the cleaning ladies (I know, I know). And it isn't like Aaron hasn't been doing anything - he finished the laundry and deals with the snow and the garbage and does his totally fair share of the 'Baby Maintenance' as we like to call it (feeding, washing, changing). So - something is going to have to give... wonder if it's going to be my sanity?

Add into the fact that I thought that I'd do all this working out while I was on leave. Project 'Get my Body Back'. And I totally haven't been able to. I was doing well there for a while - going for walks and stuff - then we got the plague. Lately, I just haven't been going for walks during the day or pushing to go to the gym at the end of the day, when Aaron could be watching him. And now, I feel like I totally won't ever have time to go - is it even worth joining the gym again? I just don't know.

So. Here we go. Life is going to totally change again. And I'm freaking out a little bit.

13 comments:

Deborah said...

Oh, Cece, this is so hard. For weeks before I returned from leave, I cried every time I thought about it, and I cried every day my first week back at work. I've been back now for 8 weeks, though, and I'm pretty happy. I love my job, and I love coming home to my little boy. I can see that he's happy with all his childcare providers, and it's okay. Yes, it's tiring, but it does get easier. So I feel for you. Good luck, and I'll be thinking about you.

Jen said...

In general, going back to work has not been too hard. And I'm saying this with a move to a new house under my belt. But I've got a great child care situation and a great job. I think you have those things too, and so it won't end up being too bad.

That said, I simply don't have the free time that I used to in the evenings. I get home, make dinner, feed Jillian, bathe Jillian, put Jillian to bed, get ready for the next day and crash. Jeramy does help some, the working assumption seems to be that if I'm home, I am on baby duty.

awakeintheworld said...

That sounds really hard. Try not to make it harder by beating yourself up about working out. Good luck.
(Thanks for stopping by my blog.) :)

Michelle said...

Its ok to freak out. You are entitled to a little freak out. Good luck with going back to work. I know it is going to be hard but hang in there!

K @ ourboxofrain said...

I'm freaking out too. So I have no advice, but much sympathy. I hope it's easier -- in all respects -- than we both imagine.

Chelle said...

I totaly dread that day. I still have 5 weeks of leave left and the thought that that is all I have breaks my heart. I'm sure going back to work is going to be really tough the first couple of weeks, but I am sure it will get a bit easier as time goes on. It is so hard to think about giving your little guy over to someone else during the day, especially after you've become so accustomed to being with him nearly 24/7 since he was born. I will be thinking about you and wishing you all the best.

nancy said...

I just wanted to say you don't stop being a good mom when you go back to work. You still get lots of those things, just on a different schedule.

Beautiful Mess said...

You'll figure it all out and all will be fine. You're an amazing mom and an amazing woman. Have you're freak out, because if you don't let yourself freak out just a little bit, you'll go insane. Sending you hugs!

emily said...

Oh Cece! It IS hard, and you think about things you have never thought of before. I found it difficult having a new baby, and I didn't even have the stress of going back to work. Like another comment said, you just don't have the quantity of free time you did pre-Hulk. I wish I could come help you!

As for the working out part... my husband (unknowingly) put a HUGE amount of pressure on me about "baby fat" after natalie's birth and I felt horrible. I wasn't really a work-out kind of person before (except the forced kind in the military) and i didn't turn into one after natalie was born. I flippantly told him that it took me 9 months to gain the weight, it will take at least 9 to take it off. Well how many times have those words come back to bite me? He still makes fun of me for that (he always leaves out the "at least" part though!). But I know you will work out when you get the chance, and you make it count. It will take some time, so don't feel bad about it.

Just think how much easier it will be when you take your little one to kindergarten for the first time! or pre-k as it may be... and picture me in september when i'm the only mom standing at the window in tears because my 4 year old is, sniff, sniff, at school!! and natalie is saying, moooooom, go home now! you're embarassing me!

Rachel said...

I really hope the transition is smoother than you are expecting. There was a period when I thought my sanity might be the loser, but instead we just tossed out cleanliness (we are back to writing messages to each other in the dust on the shelves ...) and good dinners. It's not the best compromise (I could imagine many alternate scenarios where my husband took care of both of those issues, but those are just sleep-deprived daydreams), but it works. And I'm sure you'll find your compromise for these first few months.

BrandiH2007 said...

Oh I feel so bad for you. I know that the only part of motherhood I'm dreading is going back to work. I've tried to come up with a way for me to stay home, but it just hasn't worked out yet and I don't know what to do. I know things will work out for both of us, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

((HUGS))

Seriously? - Erin said...

I see this coming in the future for me. I actually am not that vested in my work, I dislike what I do and they recently laid off the only people in my department I liked. I am due in 9 days and already dread going back. If it weren't for financial reasons this would be the perfect time to switch jobs.

I hope you find peace within as I am sure being conflicted about this isn't easy.

Jennifer said...

I know exactly how you're feeling about the return to work. My transition was easier than I thought it would be. I felt also confident in the 2 people who would caring for Julian while I was at the office (mom for 2 days, nanny for 2 days, me working from home 1 day) - this confidence was a big help! We worked out our "back to work" schedule before I went back and had a few "practice" days the week before. This also was a huge help...it wasn't so shocking my 1st day back, since I practiced my new routine the prior week. Don't get me wrong...I so totally miss my little guy. I have pictures plastered all over my office, computer and blackberry. I talk to his photos all the time and check in on him throughout the day. HOWEVER, being back at work has helped me get a piece of myself back. I feel more like myself again...but enhanced my the fact that I'm mother to a beautiful baby boy, who I come home to every evening!!!