Where I'm at.

It's nice to be reassured with all my bloodwork going up as expected. If I poke around the Internet (you knew I couldn't resist) I find that in an IVF cycle there is up to a 4% chance of an ectopic. Of those that are ectopic, only 6.5% have normally rising HCG levels. So - that is a pretty damn small percentage... which helps to reassure me....

But, like I said the other day, I knew I couldn't just relax once I got that good third beta. I need to see the little guy(s)! And that means another few days of waiting. Since Aaron will be out of town, I've lined up a friend to take me. She is a fellow IFer (who now has 2 beautiful children) and has been though it all. She is being really great and optimistic with me, but totally understands why I don't want to go alone, and is willing to stay in Boston with me if need be until Aaron (or my mother) can drive in to be with me. I really really really hope it doesn't happen.

The spotting has decreased a lot. The spotting went like this - Thanksgiving afternoon - red and more than what I would define as spotting (but definitely NOT full flow). That ended by Friday evening. Saturday - Weds, if there was any spotting, it was brown. Weds afternoon - Thursday, a bit more of the red, but not as heavy as the first time. And now, we are back to brown. I don't have any cramps associated with this, and like I've said before, my nurse assures me it normal.

Tonight is my first shot free evening! Aaron is working overnight tonight, so I plan on sitting and catching up with my DVR and relaxing. Think good thoughts for Monday, gals.

Sing it with me:

That's the way I like it.

HCG = 648.

Yeahhhhhh baby. No more blood work for me!

My first u/s is sometime next week. Early next week. When Aaron is out of town. I may need to recruit someone to come with me... as this is the same timeline last time where they found the ectopic.

But for now? Ridiculously happy. Finally.

In other good news....I'm allowed to stop my PIO shots tomorrow. As of last week, they started causing hard, red itchy spots. When I asked the nurse about it - she said that they usually have people stop the PIO and move to suppositories after the 3rd beta... so I'll do that!

So.

This is a strange place to be in. I so desperately want to be HAPPY! Jumping up and down! And I admit, I am happy. I'm so glad that things are looking great. But like so many IF bloggers have said before, I'm cautiously happy. The ability to be out of my mind excited died with that u/s over a year ago. When I was so excited to get pictures of my little bean... I already had plans how I was going to tell my mother... Christ, I was even looking at new cute rugs for the baby room. And then to be laying there on that table and not see it in my uterus. Devastating.

This time, I'm not doing any of that. I have figured out when my due date is (July 28th) but that is about it. I'm trying to protect myself from that horrible feeling I had when I was SO excited and then SO sad. I tell myself that I'll let myself be excited after my beta doubles. Well, now I'm saying I'll let myself relax when I see another good doubling on Weds. And then, lets take a wild guess, I'll be waiting until I get to that u/s and everything looks good.

Like I told Aaron the day before the first BPT, I'm terrified. I never want to have to go though that sort of pain again. I don't think my family is thinking about that - they are all excited - and then get this strange look on their face when I'm not jumping up and down too. And that sucks. I want to be excited. I want to be over the moon. I want to be like all the ladies on the July 2008 boards that have already picked out names and are rooting for a boy or a girl. Human baby is fine with me! Thanks!

On the up side, I'm having a bunch of symptoms. I'm SO thirsty there isn't enough water in the world to quench it. I'm tired. VERY VERY tired. And my boobs are still sore. All great things.

Wish I could truly enjoy it!

Keep up with the thoughts/prayers/finger crossing - it' working. This time we are rooting for 538 or greater. I'll update when I find out tomorrow afternoon.

HELL YEAH!

I needed my HCG to be 130.

It's 269!

Huuuuuuzzzaaaaaah!!!!

Damn I'm happy. My nurse is still holding out for another beta on Weds - but I'm allowing myself to be excited!

Feeling better...

Of course I won't feel 100% better until tomorrow, but the spotting has slowed WAY down. And It's mostly brown (hey, if it was TMI, you would have stopped reading this when I was wanting to take pictures of my nipples). Anyway - my symptoms aren't really major - most very enhanced smell (which brings on waves on not wanting to eat things), very cool dreams every night (last night I was a vampire on my college swim team), and I'm really thirsty all the time. Of course, I'm also only 4 weeks 6 days pregnant at this point, so I wouldn't expect anything major yet. How about I start stressing about that AFTER the good HCG tomorrow?

My HCG needs to be at 150 tomorrow - so lets all pray/wish/think good thoughts for that, OK?

I feel like I need to share my major meltdown on Tuesday night. Aaron and I were getting ready for bed, and I asked where the HPT was for the morning. And he said - I really wish you would just wait for the BPT tomorrow, like the doctor told you too. And I LOST IT. I was screaming and telling him that there was NO WAY I was going to Nantucket without having some idea of the results. That I didn't want to be crying like a crazy woman in his mother's house. And we ranted and raved at each other for a good hour. Fun, fun. I was even picking up the phone to call her and tell her we weren't coming, but I couldn't remember the phone number (and surprisingly) Aaron wouldn't tell it to me (which just made me MORE angry).

So, when the HPT was negative, and the BPT was positive, let's just say Aaron has a right to say "I told you so".

But - my MIL had about the exact reaction I expected. "You're pregnant? Better stop drinking coffee". WTF.

3 days to go.

So. I was feeling pretty great about everything on Friday. In disbelief, but excited. Even before you all started commenting with all your supportive info, I know of a bunch of people that had had low numbers and did great.

Thursday I started spotting and I haven't really stopped. Maybe it'll stop for a few hours, and it is definitely NOT full flow, and I'm not having major cramping. But I'm spotting. Which although I know is normal, is making me nervous.

I'm holding out on being excited until I here something great on Monday.

Blood Preg Test IS POSITIVE!!!

My HCG was 37!!!!!

OMG!!!

The nurse says it isn't exactly where they like, but as said that I did test 2 days early. I'll go back in on Monday for a retest. Think good thoughts for me.

Whooooooooooooooooooot!

hpt negative - mobile blogging- I'm ok - will post again after bpt

I'm losing my mind

Good times. Yesterday I was basically freaking out. I called Aaron on the phone and told him that I abso-fucking-lutly was testing this morning. That I couldn't take it any more. I needed to know. And he talked me down to waiting until Wednesday morning.

I know a bunch of you are all about HPTs and watching the HCG get out of your system and then watch to see if you start getting lines again.... well both Aaron and I know that I just can't handle that. It's been 30 months of TTC. Thirty. Fucking. Months. I've watched other bloggers get all excited about a line, and then have it end in a BFN or a chemical pregnancy... and I don't need that kind of heartache. I'm tired of disappointment, and honestly am having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that this is the first cycle of IVF, and that we have a great chance. And that we have more cycles to go.

But right now I'm tired. I'm pretty sure I lost a friend in this journey. I don't know how or why, but she hasn't called to really talk for weeks. I'm nervous about going to Nantucket for Thanksgiving with Aaron's family. He keeps on telling me that he'll call and cancel the trip... but do I want to be 'that girl'? The one that is such a wreak that she can't get pregnant that she starts canceling going to family events? Not yet, at least.

So, when Aaron was drawing up my PIO shot last night, I just started crying. I'm tired of this bullshit. I just want to get pregnant and MOVE ON. I wish I wasn't in this crazy world where for 2 weeks we are second guessing every single tiny thing that happens in our bodies. Normal people are a few days late with their period and think 'hey I should take a HPT'. And then they have to go out and actually BUY one because they don't have a freaking box of 5 from Costco. And, I cried for about 30 minutes... and poor Aaron just held me. I don't think he knows what to do anymore either.

Thank god I only have maybe 20 hours to go until I test. Then I can either be happy or sad and be done with it.

On the Fence

I've had to whole weekend to think about things (Well. Let's be real - one thing. Am. I. Pregnant.). And I have to say, I'm not 100% sure. I have symptoms, but not a huge amount... and those could be due to the progesterone (sore boobs, darker nipples), and others are kind of AF like (cramps, zits). The outlier is the potential implantation spotting on 7DPT. I still feel really positive. I must admit I was sorely tempted on Sunday to dig through all of Aaron's things to see where he hid the HPTs. I didn't.

I keep on comparing things to my ectopic pregnancy, because it's my only reference point. I have a note on my fertility friend chart about tender breasts at 12 and 13 DPO. And fatigue on 15 DPO. Today is only 12DPO for me right now. I'm thinking that some of the things I felt then may not be the same for a 'normal' pregnancy. We were on a 'rest' cycle, so I wasn't even thinking that I may be pregnant then, and wasn't obsessing properly.

I feel like I've made it this far, I can wait a few more days. We will go into my clinic first thing in the morning, so we are sure that they can get us the results that same day. And I will prepare myself for the worst. And, rational me (who may not be available to talk to after a negative test result) knows that I responded really well to the IVF treatment. That we have another cycle approved by insurance before March. That this cycle was a good learning experience for both me and the doctors.

But damn do I want this to be it. Aaron the Oracle (who correctly guessed the number of eggs they would retrieve AND the number that would fertilize) tells me that he thinks that I am pregnant with one, and it's a girl.

Guess I'll find out in 3 days! Well, not about the girl thing. Because we want it to be a surprise. Or the 'one' part. Because that will have to wait for the 6 week u/s. But at least the pregnancy thing!

Come and obsess with me...

I'm nervous that this is setting me up for a huge let down on Wednesday, but what the hell. Even though I've been though loads of BFNs, I think it's kind of a GOOD sign that I haven't completely given up on hope, right?

Here are my current symptoms:

• Yesterday, I had spotting. A very small amount (like 3 or 4 spots of pink, and then later in the day 2 brownish). At first I was like SHIT. And then I realized I was at 10 DPO. Could it be implantation spotting. I looked around the Internet, and why yes, yes it could.
• I have zits. Everywhere. Thankfully, not too much on my face, but on my belly! And my side (one ever right where my bra hits, ouch) and my shoulders.
• I'm having twinges in my breasts.... nothing major, but they are there.
• A small amount of cramping
• The area around my nipples is definitely darker.

Needless to say, my hopes are totally up. God save me.

Less than a week!

I get my BPT on Weds. No longer am I saying NEXT Wednesday, because it's less than a week from today. OMG. I'm not feeling any symptoms as of yet, but with my ectopic, I didn't have any symptoms until 12DPO, and really, nothing MAJOR until more like 18DPO. So, let's hope that is OK, and that my little embies are all snuggled in.

A few day ago, Baby Step nominated me for the Flame of Fortitude award:
You are receiving this honor because you have embodied perseverance in the face of difficulty and shared the journey of your experiences with others proving that a single voice can both be a light of support and a source or humor for those in the midst of their struggle. You are acknowledged here today for allowing others to share in your personal story and providing camaraderie through the power of your words.

I'm honored, of course. But like many others have said - I didn't do this by choice. I just do it. Aaron and I are meant to be parents. If we have to go through a little bit of hell to get there? So be it. And love popping in on everyone's blogs... seeing how they are doing, getting updates on their most recent treatments, being excited for our recent rash of BFPs (Serenity, Baby Duex, Mary Ellen) and following up with my buddies going through cycles right now (Baby Step, Geohde). I also know that I love the support you guys give to me. My friends out in the real world? It's an interesting mix of those who haven't even talked to me since my egg retrieval (which honestly, WTF?), others who have checked in to let me know that they are thinking of me, and then those that I call my cheerleaders. The one that are praying for me, and rooting for twins, and figuring out when my due date will be.... an interesting mix, to say the least.

All you here in blogland? I love it that you laugh at my desire to take before and after pictures of certain body parts. I love it that you totally understand the desire to do a pregnancy test when it just doesn't make any rational sense to do so. And, that you've all been here. In this shitty two week wait - so you are popping in - leaving comments to cheer me up.. and it works! I can only hope that I have been able to do the same for all of you.

Oh. And I handed over all my pee sticks to Aaron so I would stop being tempted. That isn't saying I don't have a $20 bill burning a hole in my pocket....

Things I wish I had

1. A 'before' picture of my nipples to compare to (I know this is weird. Whatever. I am weird). Right now I just keep asking Aaron if they look darker.
2. I wish I was temping so I could obsess properly on that front (although - do temps means anything with such a medicated cycle?).
3. To not have my pregnancy test to be over a holiday weekend. I wish it were on either the Monday before or after.
4. The exact percentage chance that I have of this working based on woman with my stats (32 years old, unexplained infertility, prior ectopic pregnancy).

Oh - and I went back to my FF chart and saw that I had breast tenderness on my chart with my ectopic pregnancy at 12 DPO - so I'll start obsessing about that towards the end of the week...

Good times.

Hi! It's me! Waiting!

Sigh. So. I'm in the shower today. I'm 5 days past my transfer. And I'm thinking in the shower how taking a HPT test would maybe be a good idea, you know, since I'm technically 8 DPO?!

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Trust me, I know that 'this way madness lies' so I won't do it. But it's pretty funny to listen to the little battle of wills in my head:

Crazy Self: Do it! It'll be a BFP and then you can continue to think positive!
Rational Self: No, no. It's a waste of a test.
Crazy Self: But didn't you feel that tiny twinge in your uterus last night? It's a SIGN!
Rational Self: Um, you can't possibly be feeling 'signs' this early. And, dumbass, you are on progesterone!

Sigh. So, to keep myself busy, I've been knitting. A lot. In the past week I've almost finished 2 sweaters - one for my 4 year old niece for Christmas, and another for one of the little embryos that is hopefully nestling itself in for the long haul. It's a good way to help pass the time. I've been relaxing since Thursday - I was very good with the whole chair rest thing.... and then this weekend my only big outing was to the yarn store (supplies!). And today I have off work.

9 more sleeps until we test.

Blog Cross Pollination!

OK, this a little late (we got confused with the whole date thing), but without further ado, my post for blog cross-pollination! Take a guess who it really is in the comments, and find my real post for the day (AFTER you guess) here.

Good Times

If all my embryo's were frozen at day 2 and are then thawed the day before an FET I assume that would make them 3 day embryo's at transfer? Either way whether I am 14DPO or 15DPO I am out. Today's test was snow white. I didn't feel pregnant and it was the result I was expecting. I did it more for the sake of David who is hanging out for Monday's blood test results. I prefer to test beforehand so I can prepare myself for that phone call and already have a plan to discuss for the next cycle.

After making what we were told were 11 beautiful looking embryos I really thought that we would be pregnant by the end of this year. That it would be a Christmas I could finally enjoy. We now have one last attempt before our clinic closes down for the holidays and we are forced to have a break. If my Dr. isn't open to changes for 2008 I am going to be looking for a new FS. I am going to push for a x2 transfer for my last 2007 attempt and in the new year I am going to give these hormone replacement therapy cycles the flick in exchange for a Clomid/FET.

I guess I will be back with an update after Mondays meltdown :D

My Lucky Penny

So, this whole 2WW after the transfer is going to be pretty brutal, huh? Yesterday, I had the afterglow of the transfer (2 perfect embies! Hurrah!). Today, I'm googling 'IVF success rates with 8 cells and 9 cells'. I've been in the 2WW after treatment before - but it's been over a year! I'm out of practice.

The one thing that I have going for me this cycle that I didn't have in my last medicated cycles (well, besides the whole IVF thing) is that I have a lucky penny. When I was a little girl, anytime I found a penny, I would throw it in my right shoe - my mom told me that would bring me luck. Later, I amended that to pennies that were found 'heads' up - a boyfriend told me that picking up one that was 'tails' up was bad luck.

On Monday, which was day 7 on stims, the day after I found I wasn't responding as my doc would have liked, I was walking to my car after work, and there it was. Right in the middle of the walkway - where everyone else in my office building must walk to get to their cars. A heads up penny. I picked it up and threw it in my right shoe.

I had it with me in the room for my subsequently better u/s, and then stuck it in my bra for the egg retrieval. Yesterday, when Aaron and I were undressing for the transfer, I was pulling the penny out of my shoe and stuffing it in my bra. He caught what I was doing out of the corner of my eye, and questioned what I was doing. I told him the penny story. He asked if he could hold the penny for me in his right shoe during the transfer (PS - don't you love it how he doesn't think I'm insane?).

There it is. The secret weapon in my arsenal. Forget about the 13 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized, And the 2 perfect embryos put back in. It's that lucky penny that is going to work the magic for us.

Only 13 more sleeps until my BPT.

Perfect.

Everything went perfectly. Meet Hulk and Princess*

The one on the left is a nine cell, and the right is 8. I actually had the head of embryology in the room for my transfer - and she really likes the 8 cell one.... I happen to think they are both pretty great. The whole transfer procedure was great - we were joking around and talking about our dogs... I think that bodes well.

Please stick around, little guys! I love you already!

The reason we transferred 2 is that unfortunately, the two others that they were considering for freezing have too many 'bubbles' which doesn't give good results in the thawing process. So - 2 good ones are in! And that is perfect to me!

* God save me, but Aaron keeps on teasing me that he wants to name our son Hulk. As in the Bruce Banner, as in GO GREEN?! Sigh. We've taken to calling them Hulk and Princess (since Aaron is really pulling for twins - and he has vetoed Hulkette)

Transfer Scheduled

Looks like we are doing a Day 3 transfer. I'm scheduled at 12:30 tomorrow!

I was able to to talk to my nurse last night, and she said that my blood pregnancy test was schedule for the 23rd - and was that going to work for me? I asked if it would be ok to push it to Weds morning - so I would know one way or the other before Thanksgiving. She said that would be fine. And if (hopefully!!!!) it's positive, they usually like you to come in 2 days later for a retest... but said I could just wait until Monday (the 26th).

I'm still a little in denial that I'm finally going through all this! I feel really calm and totally not freaked out. Of course, I don't have the little guys back in me yet. Maybe tomorrow will be totally different. Who knows.

I find out tomorrow how many they will transfer - I think I'll take Mary Ellen's advice and not let them do more than 2! My plan for the next few day is to just hang out and relax. My clinic suggested 'chair' rest for 2 days, so I'll work from home on Friday, and take it nice and easy on the weekend. I even have Monday off work (Veteran's Day) so that gives them a good 5 days to get nice and comfortable.

And the final little bit of good news? My first PIO shot last night was no biggie at all. Didn't feel the needle, didn't have pain after, no bruise or bump this morning. Perhaps this is a benefit to an 'ample' behind?

Fert report...

Ok - so after waiting ALL DAY - I finally called the IVF fellow on call.

8 fertilized! Which is 62% fert rate.... which sounds great to me. Tomorrow I find out when they'll do the transfer.

Today is my favorite kind of day

It's cold, blustery and raining. I absolutely love days when I can hear the rain hitting the roof. Just something about the sound of rain that I love. Ever hear the expression 'right as rain'?.

I'm working from home today. I was thinking that I would go in, but the extra hour of sleep I get when I don't have to look pretty/commute was really needed! I was somewhat nervous for yesterday's ER, but more for the surgery part and less for the actual fear of not getting any eggs. I knew I had at least 9, and I was totally happy with that number. I was more nervous of having the same reaction as I did after my ACL surgery - where I threw up for 3 hours after I woke up. And that didn't happen! Hurrah!

I'm at peace with the cycle. My hopes are WAY up that it will work - but I'm also encouraged that we got a decent number of eggs, and soon enough, we'll know how many fertilized. The only sticky part of this whole deal is that my blood pregnancy test is schedule for Thanksgiving. Guess we'll just see how that goes! We are planning on visiting Aaron's family for Thanksgiving - and they live on an island! So - either my clinic will draw blood for me on Thanksgiving day, or I'm going to have to wait a heck of a lot longer than I want to get my results!

I promise to update when I get my fert report.

13 Retrieved!

And I feel like a rock star. It really wasn't a big deal at all.

Thank god. Now, let's hope those 13 eggs turn in to 13 embryos!

Trigger and ER!

I'm for sure triggering tonight. This mornings blood work and u/s showed 9 follies and an E2 at 1300.

Yippppeeeeee!!!!

ER is on Monday morning at 9 Am.

I plan to spend the rest of the weekend relaxing. So excited!

Got my ER date!

My blood work and u/s came back, my estradiol is up to 803, and I have 5 measurable follies - this biggest is 18 X 14, and then the next is 17 X 14. I also have a bunch of little ones that the nurse thinks will catch up by then.

I do 2 more nights of the follistim (tonight and Friday) and then go in Saturday for another u/s and blood work. The nurse seemed pretty sure I'd be triggering on Saturday night for Monday morning retrieval!

OMG! This is really happening!!!!!

Halloween?

Hope everyone had a great Halloween. In my neighborhood - it's usually a bit of a show. We live on a 'horseshoe' so lots of people from the town will drive their kids over, drop them on one end of the street and wait for them on other. I know a lot of IFers hate Halloween, since it's such a kid-centric holiday, but we always have a blast. We sit in our front yard, with a fire pit blazing, and eat ribs from the grill and smores. Yum.

I went in this morning for another round of blood work and u/s - and just like last time, I'll update when I find out this afternoon. The u/s tech can't really tell me what she sees, but she did say that she'd see me tomorrow - which I can only assume means that I have some large follies! I'm hoping that the other ones are catching up. Although 4 is the minimum for an IVF cycle, and I know I have at least 4, I'd like to have extra, you know?!

Even though I don't really know anything, I'm guessing that my ER will be this weekend....

In other TMI news.... my nether regions have been rather dry lately. I had heard from Geohde to expect this, but since it didn't happen on the Clomid, I wasn't expecting it to happen on the follistim. Well, it happened. And it's weird and uncomfortable, to say the least. But today? I'm seeing fertile CM, and therefore nervous that I'm going to ovulate on my own. They check for that stuff right? Or should I talk to my nurse about it when she calls?