Tuesday, November 27, 2007

So.

This is a strange place to be in. I so desperately want to be HAPPY! Jumping up and down! And I admit, I am happy. I'm so glad that things are looking great. But like so many IF bloggers have said before, I'm cautiously happy. The ability to be out of my mind excited died with that u/s over a year ago. When I was so excited to get pictures of my little bean... I already had plans how I was going to tell my mother... Christ, I was even looking at new cute rugs for the baby room. And then to be laying there on that table and not see it in my uterus. Devastating.

This time, I'm not doing any of that. I have figured out when my due date is (July 28th) but that is about it. I'm trying to protect myself from that horrible feeling I had when I was SO excited and then SO sad. I tell myself that I'll let myself be excited after my beta doubles. Well, now I'm saying I'll let myself relax when I see another good doubling on Weds. And then, lets take a wild guess, I'll be waiting until I get to that u/s and everything looks good.

Like I told Aaron the day before the first BPT, I'm terrified. I never want to have to go though that sort of pain again. I don't think my family is thinking about that - they are all excited - and then get this strange look on their face when I'm not jumping up and down too. And that sucks. I want to be excited. I want to be over the moon. I want to be like all the ladies on the July 2008 boards that have already picked out names and are rooting for a boy or a girl. Human baby is fine with me! Thanks!

On the up side, I'm having a bunch of symptoms. I'm SO thirsty there isn't enough water in the world to quench it. I'm tired. VERY VERY tired. And my boobs are still sore. All great things.

Wish I could truly enjoy it!

Keep up with the thoughts/prayers/finger crossing - it' working. This time we are rooting for 538 or greater. I'll update when I find out tomorrow afternoon.

9 comments:

mary ellen said...

It's hard to get excited when you know what can happen. I hope that tomorrow brings another great number!

Baby Deux? said...

You know I am praying for another good number because we have to be due date buddies. (I have become selfish is this terrifing journey!)

I actually allowed myself to venture into Babies R Us this weekend....

Samantha said...

It is hard to know how to feel when so many things are still unknown. I will continue to hope for you.

Elizabeth said...

The goalposts keep moving, don't they? Right here and right now, though, I am happy for you :-)

Baby Step said...

Focusing on the magic number - Two, Four, Six, Five Hundred and Thirty Eight...Who do we appreciate! Gooooo Cece!

The Town Criers said...

Symptoms are good :-)

YAY!!!

I'm sending good thoughts for another strong number.

orodemniades said...

I'm rootin' for ya.

Geohde said...

Cece, I understand your reserve in letting go with complete excitement this early, it's quite sensible of you.

Hoping for a beta that allows you to paint the nursery, soon,

xx

J

Meghan said...

Totally get your hesitations. And I hate that IF has taken this from us too.