Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm losing my mind

Good times. Yesterday I was basically freaking out. I called Aaron on the phone and told him that I abso-fucking-lutly was testing this morning. That I couldn't take it any more. I needed to know. And he talked me down to waiting until Wednesday morning.

I know a bunch of you are all about HPTs and watching the HCG get out of your system and then watch to see if you start getting lines again.... well both Aaron and I know that I just can't handle that. It's been 30 months of TTC. Thirty. Fucking. Months. I've watched other bloggers get all excited about a line, and then have it end in a BFN or a chemical pregnancy... and I don't need that kind of heartache. I'm tired of disappointment, and honestly am having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that this is the first cycle of IVF, and that we have a great chance. And that we have more cycles to go.

But right now I'm tired. I'm pretty sure I lost a friend in this journey. I don't know how or why, but she hasn't called to really talk for weeks. I'm nervous about going to Nantucket for Thanksgiving with Aaron's family. He keeps on telling me that he'll call and cancel the trip... but do I want to be 'that girl'? The one that is such a wreak that she can't get pregnant that she starts canceling going to family events? Not yet, at least.

So, when Aaron was drawing up my PIO shot last night, I just started crying. I'm tired of this bullshit. I just want to get pregnant and MOVE ON. I wish I wasn't in this crazy world where for 2 weeks we are second guessing every single tiny thing that happens in our bodies. Normal people are a few days late with their period and think 'hey I should take a HPT'. And then they have to go out and actually BUY one because they don't have a freaking box of 5 from Costco. And, I cried for about 30 minutes... and poor Aaron just held me. I don't think he knows what to do anymore either.

Thank god I only have maybe 20 hours to go until I test. Then I can either be happy or sad and be done with it.

13 comments:

mary ellen said...

20 more hours...you'll make it. HPTs are addicting. And I found that my addiction worsened the longer I tried. So staying away from them as long as possible is really best if you can. I hope that you see 2 beautiful lines very soon!

Hugs!

Amanda said...

You are in my thoughts today. This journey is not fun or fair. It really bites. I'm sorry that you're on it.

Good luck with your wait until tomorrow and even better with your test!!!

(((hugs)))

jill said...

hi cece...
hang in there - i have been thinking about you every day. The not knowing and wondering is worse than whatever happens next. only 20 more hours? you can make it! go cece go cece! you are lucky to have such a sweet guy to be on this journey with (however much of a bummer the journey) - and you are a super strong , amazing woman!

Meghan said...

The wait to test is just unbearable at times. Here's to making it 20 hours.

Hope you at least felt better after the cry. A good one always helps me. (And I'm glad Aaron just held you instead of mentioning how hard it was for him ;) boys can learn, huh??

Crossing everything for 2 lines!

serenity said...

The last moment anticipation is really the worst, I know it is. I wanted to test so badly - but only if it was positive. I ended up chickening out and waiting to hear from my clinic.

You're almost there, hon. Almost there.

*hug* Thinking about you today.

Baby Deux? said...

Sheeeet, I don't even know where to start!

First of all, YIPPEE to YOU for making it without POAS! I think there should be some kind of infertility award for that feat because it is HUGE! I commend you for an excellent job done.

On your friend...she may just not know what to say. Hell, I sometimes don't know what to say and would rather keep my yapper shut than stick my foot in my mouth. Or she/he is just a crappy friend and this proved it. :o)

If going crazy for the next 20 hours get you through it, we are all hear to read your ramblings!!!!

Oh yeah, and once you get that BFP, wait until you have to wait for betas to double and your first u/s....JUST KIDDING! (I had to throw a little more humor in there.)

Geohde said...

Good luck Cece,

Thinking of you,

xx

J

Samantha said...

I'm sorry hon, those HPTs are tough to resist. At the end of the tww, time starts moving too frickin slow! I am really hoping for a strong beta for you, hugs to you and Aaron.

Morrisa said...

I know exactly what you mean about just wanting to move on. And, since you mentioned how many months you have been TTC I thought it would be "fun" to calculate how long we have been TTC. Let's just say it is pretty sad...Good luck with your test tomorrow!

Ruth said...

Thinking of you, Cece ...

mary ellen said...

Cece I need an update!!! I hope that all is well.

Baby Step said...

Oh Cece, can I tell you that I know EXACTLY how you feel? Please hang in there. I know that 20 hours seems like an eternity, but it really isn't....you can do it. Just one more "wake-up", right? I am sorry you lost a friend, I think I did too...my BFF from since kindergarten is the only one who hasn't called to check in on me, and she won't return my calls. It really hurts.

Baby Deux? said...

You are KILLING ME here!!!!