Good times. Yesterday I was basically freaking out. I called Aaron on the phone and told him that I abso-fucking-lutly was testing this morning. That I couldn't take it any more. I needed to know. And he talked me down to waiting until Wednesday morning.
I know a bunch of you are all about HPTs and watching the HCG get out of your system and then watch to see if you start getting lines again.... well both Aaron and I know that I just can't handle that. It's been 30 months of TTC. Thirty. Fucking. Months. I've watched other bloggers get all excited about a line, and then have it end in a BFN or a chemical pregnancy... and I don't need that kind of heartache. I'm tired of disappointment, and honestly am having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that this is the first cycle of IVF, and that we have a great chance. And that we have more cycles to go.
But right now I'm tired. I'm pretty sure I lost a friend in this journey. I don't know how or why, but she hasn't called to really talk for weeks. I'm nervous about going to Nantucket for Thanksgiving with Aaron's family. He keeps on telling me that he'll call and cancel the trip... but do I want to be 'that girl'? The one that is such a wreak that she can't get pregnant that she starts canceling going to family events? Not yet, at least.
So, when Aaron was drawing up my PIO shot last night, I just started crying. I'm tired of this bullshit. I just want to get pregnant and MOVE ON. I wish I wasn't in this crazy world where for 2 weeks we are second guessing every single tiny thing that happens in our bodies. Normal people are a few days late with their period and think 'hey I should take a HPT'. And then they have to go out and actually BUY one because they don't have a freaking box of 5 from Costco. And, I cried for about 30 minutes... and poor Aaron just held me. I don't think he knows what to do anymore either.
Thank god I only have maybe 20 hours to go until I test. Then I can either be happy or sad and be done with it.